Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28

Lala

Almost a week later, I stood in my bedroom and looked around for the tape to make another box. The mess reminded me of the day I’d moved in, when the bottoms of all my boxes had busted because I’d used nearly decade-old tape. Holden had made me laugh about it, not gotten annoyed like Warren or my dad would have. That was one of the things I loved about Holden—he didn’t sweat the small stuff. Car broke down in the middle of nowhere? It’s an adventure, not a reason to complain. Forget the music in the middle of a song? Turn the moment into a drum solo and flash an irresistible smile to the crowd. He had an uncanny ability to go with the flow and believed that when we did, we all ended up where we were supposed to be.

That thought made me sad. Because he seemed to be applying the same easy-come, easy-go logic to us. But was that the way relationships were supposed to be? Weren’t we supposed to fight for the things that mattered most to us? That’s how I’d always believed things were supposed to work. Though if I was right, what did that say about how much I meant to Holden? I didn’t matter enough.

A tear trickled down my face as I grabbed another sweater and folded it before placing it into a cardboard box. I hated that I was doing this. I wasn’t ready to leave New York yet. But Holden had been so distant since our call last week when he’d told me I should go back to Philly, and I wasn’t about to stay where I wasn’t wanted.

After I packed the last of my clothes from the closet, I decided to take a break and treat myself to a glass of wine. Mid-pour, there was a knock at my door. I figured it was one of the guys coming to check on me, since I’d mentioned to Owen earlier that I was leaving Sunday. But when I opened the door, my heart stopped at the sight of the beautiful man standing on the other side.

“Holden? What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t back until tomorrow night?”

“We finished a little sooner than expected, so I was able to jump on a flight after we wrapped last night.”

He glanced over my shoulder, and the smile on his face wilted. “What are you doing?”

I turned and looked at all the boxes. “I started to pack.”

Holden seemed surprised, though I wasn’t sure why since he’d been the one to tell me to go back home.

I opened the door wider and stepped to the side. “Come on in.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down. “I need to shower and unpack. I just wanted to let you know I was back.”

“Oh…okay.”

He lifted his eyes, but they didn’t meet mine. “I’ll see you around later?”

It felt like I’d been run over by a bulldozer. “Yeah, sure.”

No kiss. No hug. Nothing.

A few weeks ago, we would’ve both been naked within ten seconds of him knocking.

Tears stung my eyes as I shut the door. I’d been secretly hoping Holden would see me packing up to leave and it would scare him into fight-or-flight mode. Sadly, it had, only he didn’t choose the option I’d hoped. Holden had run away as fast as he could.

Somehow I managed to not burst into full-blown tears. Over the next two hours, I didn’t hear a peep from Holden. I went back and forth about how to handle things, debating whether I should just pack up my car and go now, without any goodbye or warning, or if I should march next door and tell him my feelings had grown and I needed him to fight for me to stay. In the end, I wound up doing something I wasn’t proud of, something that would probably make me feel even more like shit if it didn’t work. I resorted to sex.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Holden opened his door, and his eyes dropped right to my cleavage. He certainly couldn’t have missed it with the push-up bra and low-cut cropped top I’d changed into.

Desperate times. Desperate measures.

I twirled a piece of my hair as I spoke. “Hey. Do you think you can help me with a few of my boxes? I packed a couple of them a little too heavy, and I want to stack them up at the door. I’m afraid the bottoms will fall out if they’re not carried right.”

“Sure.” His eyes stole another peek at my cleavage before he pulled his door closed and followed me into my apartment. In the living room, he looked around with his hands on his hips. “Which ones do you want stacked?”

“The ones in the bedroom.”

He swallowed and frowned. “Oh.”

The lackluster response hurt my heart, but I did my best to pretend it didn’t harm my self-esteem. Walking to the bedroom, I exaggerated the sway of my hips knowing Holden had a weak spot for my tight yoga pants. Inside, I even pretended to rummage through a box on the floor without bending at the knees. My ass was impossible to miss. I caught Holden looking a few times, but he just seemed sad rather than turned on. When there was nothing left for me to pretend I needed help with, I still refused to give up.

“Thank you for the help,” I said. “How about a glass of wine?” Holden looked reluctant, so I pulled out the big guns to make sure he wouldn’t say no. “I can fill you in on my mom’s health, and I want to hear about how your recording went out in California.”

He nodded, but didn’t look happy. “Sure.”

Over the next hour, we had a nice conversation and caught up, but it felt like I was talking to Owen or Colby. Holden sat on the chair diagonal to the couch and made no attempt to touch me. This was the least physical connection I’d ever felt while near him. We’d had more of a spark when I was fifteen and sitting on the roof of my parents’ house with my brother sleeping ten feet away. And I got the feeling he couldn’t wait to get the hell out of my apartment. So I made one last-ditch attempt at kindling something by reaching over my head and doing a big, fake stretch. Holden’s eyes zoned in on my exposed midriff, but then he frowned and rubbed his hands on his jeans.

“It’s late. I should get going.”

Well, that move backfired.

After he was gone, it felt like I had a lump stuck in my throat. I guess the positive side was that it clogged up all the tears that were threatening. The way I’d acted had left me desperate and sad, and at two o’clock in the morning, I was still staring up at the ceiling in the dark, searching for answers I didn’t have. So I ripped the covers off and sat up, reaching for my phone. There was only one way to get answers, and that was by going straight to the source. Without giving myself a chance to change my mind, I shot off a text to Holden, even though it was the middle of the night.

Lala: Hey. Are you up?

He answered quickly.

Holden: Yeah. I think the time change and sleeping on the redeye screwed me up. What’s your excuse?

Lala: Will you meet me on the fire escape in a few minutes?

The dots started moving around, then stopped, and then finally began again.

Holden: Sure.

I grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses before opening the window and climbing out. Holden was already seated on the adjoining fire escape.

“Hey,” I whispered.

“You should be sleeping,” he said.

“There’s too much on my mind, and I need to talk, Holden.”

Our eyes caught, and he nodded.

There was so much I wanted to say, but my thoughts were all jumbled. So I took a few minutes to compose myself as I poured us each a glass of wine and passed one through the bars to Holden.

“Thanks,” he said.

I nodded and took a deep breath. “Why didn’t you kiss me tonight, Holden? We haven’t seen each other in a week.”

He looked down. “I didn’t want to crowd you. You have so much on your plate right now.”

“But I wanted to be crowded by you. I think I made that pretty obvious.”

Our eyes met and for a second or two, I saw the familiar spark in his gaze. But then he turned away. “Sex will just make it harder. I don’t want you to be sad or feel bad when you leave New York. Your happiness means more to me than my own.” He paused for a second. “Over the last week, I’ve been thinking a lot about Ryan. I promised him I’d always look out for you, and that’s what I’m trying to do. I don’t want to say or do anything that makes things more difficult for you. That’s one of the reasons talking was so hard when we were inside your apartment before. I don’t want to screw up.”

“Just be yourself, Holden. You can’t screw up when your intentions are good.”

He scoffed. “Didn’t you ever hear that saying, the road to hell is paved with good intentions? That’s me, Lala. I am the road to hell.”

We were both quiet again. Eventually, he chugged his entire glass of wine.

“How did seeing Warren make you feel when you were back home?”

I frowned. “It was sad. He cried and told me he still loved me. And before he left, he gave me an open-ended plane ticket to go out to California, so I can visit him if I ever want to. It’s hard to see someone you care about hurting.”

Holden nodded. “Do you think it was a mistake that we got together? I basically wormed my way between you two and broke you up.”

I shook my head. “You didn’t worm your way into anything. I wanted what happened between us as much as you did, maybe more. I’ll always love Warren in some way. He was very good to me and a big part of my life for a long time, but being with you made me realize something important was missing.” The moment had become really sad and heavy, so I tried to lighten the mood. “You know, like good sex, for one.”

Holden nodded. “At least I’m good for something.”

“I’m teasing, Holden. Yes, sex with you has been great, but it was more than that.”

“Yeah…”

This time it was me who chugged my wine. I’d been meandering around with small questions because I was afraid to ask the big one. But I needed to know.

“What will happen between us once I’m back in Philly?”

Holden shook his head. “I don’t know. Why don’t we just play it by ear?”

It felt like my insides were being torn up, yet I forced a smile. “Okay. That sounds good.”

A minute later, Holden thumbed toward his apartment. “I’m wiped from traveling. I should probably get some sleep.”

“Oh. Yeah. Of course.”

I hated to end this conversation, yet I climbed to my feet when Holden did and opened my window. “Goodnight. I hope you get some sleep.”

“You, too. Goodnight, sweetheart.”

Halfway through the window, I panicked and froze. “Wait! Holden?”

He paused with one leg already inside. “Yeah?”

“I’m going to leave on Sunday. Do you think we can spend tomorrow night together, since it will be my last night here?”

“I’d like that.”

“Me, too.”

Miraculously, I managed to keep it together as I climbed back inside and brushed my teeth. But as I crawled into bed and pulled up the covers, all of my emotions hit me at once. And I started to cry.

And cry.

And cry.