Chapter 27

CHAPTER 27

Holden

The ride to the airport was a blur. My thoughts raced so fast that it felt like it took two minutes to get here.

We were waiting at the gate to board our plane when Monroe plopped into the seat next to me. “Hey, man. You alright?”

“Yeah,” I muttered, staring out at what looked like our plane.

He handed me a donut hole out of the greasy bag he was holding. “This trip is supposed to be a good thing, you know. Why the fuck do you look so down right now?”

I popped it into my mouth. “No offense, but you wouldn’t understand.”

In all the years I’d known Monroe, he hadn’t been in a single relationship. I doubted he would do anything except chastise my ass if he knew the truth about what was bothering me.

“This business is a lot easier without girlfriends. You know that, right?”

I guess he wasn’t that clueless as to what was on my mind. My eyes darted over to him. “Thanks for the insight. I do know that, yes.”

“Out of all of us, I thought you’d be the last one to fall into that trap.”

“It’s not a trap if you want to be in it.” I sank into my chair and crossed my arms.

“This is the worst timing for you, Catalano. Everything is finally starting to happen for us. It would be one thing if you could have your cake and eat it, too—if you know what I’m saying. But what you’re doing—trying to be true to this chick when we very well could be hitting the road again very soon—is not gonna be sustainable. You’ll end up slipping with some groupie, and then you’ll feel like shit. It’s better to just end things before that has a chance to happen.”

I wanted to cuss him out for his assumption, but settled on a simple truth. “I would never cheat on her.”

He chewed. “Look, I’ve met her, obviously. She’s a good girl—smart. Not someone who’s gonna put up with our lifestyle anyway. So just put her out of her misery.”

His trite opinion of Lala irked me. She was a hell of a lot more than just “smart” and a “good girl.”

“What happened with her anyway?” he asked as if he truly cared, when I knew damn well he didn’t.

I wasn’t going to waste my energy venting to someone who would never understand. Monroe was a friend, but he was the wrong person for this conversation.

Our talk was interrupted when my phone rang.

Lala.I stood up, walking a few feet away, and answered. “Hey.”

“Hi. Are you all checked in yet?” she asked.

“Yup. Just waiting at the gate until we have to board. What’s up? You on the road?”

“No, I was just about to leave, but then I noticed something and had to call you first.” She paused. “Did you happen to read an email on my laptop that referred to a relocation to Philly?”

I cleared my throat. “I did.”

“I was afraid of that. You were acting strange this morning, and then I saw it opened on my computer after you left.” She sighed. “Holden, that wasn’t my idea. Dr. Reston noticed that I’d seemed off lately. When she found out about my mother’s health, she took it upon herself to look into a relocation option for me. It wasn’t something I asked for.”

Dragging a hand through my hair, I said, “Why didn’t you mention this to me?”

“It was barely an afterthought. I had no idea her offer was going to come to fruition.”

“I’m not gonna be the asshole who tries to convince you to stay in New York if what you need is to be closer to your mother right now, Laney.”

I’d called her Laney again. I’d done that at the restaurant the other night, too. It hadn’t been intentional. Apparently, it just came out when I was pissed.

“I feel like you still think this is something I instigated,” she said.

“I didn’t say that. But think about it. You leaving New York is inevitable anyway, right? I mean, if you haven’t been acting like yourself at work and people are noticing… Maybe you need a change.”

Maybe she did need to go back to Philly now in order for us to know whether this would work. “The sooner we get to what the true normal will be for us, the better, I think.”

Her voice cracked. “You mean me back in Philly all alone and you on the road?”

I looked around at the people passing me by. “Look where I am, sweetheart—at an airport instead of accompanying you home. Prioritizing the band and my music career. It’s unfair of me to try to get you to stay in New York when, for all I know, I could get called away again like this.”

She went silent.

“I’m sorry I didn’t admit I saw the email before I left,” I finally said. “I did jump to conclusions. But ultimately, I wanted you to be the one to tell me about it. It’s all good now.”

“All good?” she laughed angrily. “Why doesn’t it feel good?”

I closed my eyes and blew out a breath of frustration. All I wanted was to get the hell out of this airport and go back home to her.

“I could’ve handled it if you’d just told me, Lala. You didn’t need to hide it.”

“I wasn’t intentionally hiding it…”

“Whatever you decide to do,” I told her, “staying in New York or going back to Philly early, the choice won’t change what’s meant to happen with us, sweetheart.”

“It sounds like you’re encouraging me to leave, though.”

Maybe subconsciously I was pushing her to go, not because I wanted to lose her, but because the sooner she left, the sooner I could know whether we stood a chance in the long term. With Lala in New York, it felt like we were in a temporary fantasy. It wasn’t our eventual reality.

I could hear her breathing heavily. I didn’t want to upset her when she was about to get on the road. What if she got into an accident? I’d never be able to forgive myself.

“Look, Lala… Don’t stress, okay? The answer of whether or not to move back early will come to you, maybe based on how your mom’s doing when you see her. But don’t base it on me… It won’t impact our…”

I hesitated. Relationship? I wanted to believe that was what we had versus a temporary thing, but time would tell.

I continued, “Be careful driving. Enjoy the visit with your parents, and try not to worry about anything else.” I exhaled. “Promise me you won’t get on the road if you’re upset.”

“Do you believe that I wasn’t intentionally hiding this from you?”

“I do, Lala. Okay?”

Her voice was barely a whisper. “Okay.”

***

I could finally breathe.

From the moment we’d landed in L.A., we’d been locked away in that dark studio, working on the demo through the entire freaking night. I hadn’t had a moment to think straight.

Being busy had been a good thing, though, because it kept me from ruminating about Lala. I felt bad for the attitude I’d given her during our phone call at the airport yesterday. In fact, I’d pretty much thought of nothing else for the first half of the flight over here before I started writing some lyrics to stop myself from totally drowning in my thoughts.

There was no part of me that wanted us to be apart sooner than we had to. Rather than opening up about that like I should’ve, though, I’d acted like her leaving didn’t matter to me. Like maybe she didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t sure whether I was trying to protect her from me or myself from her at this point.

But I’d gone long enough—more than twenty-four hours—without hearing her voice. That needed to end now.

Palm trees blew in the breeze as I stepped outside the building, feeling like I’d just emerged from a black hole into daylight. Leaning against the wall of the recording studio, I could see the Hollywood sign in the distance as I took out my phone to dial her.

“Hey…” she said when she picked up. “How did everything go?”

“We just wrapped up. I’m wiped, but we got some good stuff down.”

“I’m so glad, Holden.”

I could hear silverware clanking in the background. I knew it was close to dinner time on the east coast.

I sat down on the ground. “Are you in the middle of eating?”

“Yeah, no biggie, though. I’m so happy everything went well.”

“If I had to miss being with you this weekend, it better damn well have been productive and not a waste. I worked my ass off to make sure of that.” Looking up at the sun, I sighed, “I fucking miss you. I’m sorry I was a dick the last time we spoke.”

“It’s okay. You were upset. I’m sorry to have caused it.”

“Lala, listen. I’m…” I was about to explain why I didn’t want her to move back to Philly early when I heard a certain voice in the background. A male voice. And it wasn’t her dad, either.

I narrowed my eyes as my heart pumped faster. “Who’s there right now?”

“Hang on,” she said. There was some rustling, and then she came back on the line. “I needed to step away from the table.”

I tugged on my hair and snapped, “Why?”

“That was Warren you heard,” Lala whispered. “I didn’t want to talk about him in front of his face.”

Sucking in a breath, I seethed. “What is he doing there?”

“He stopped by the house to say goodbye before he has to leave for California this week. It turned out they needed him there sooner than originally planned. I didn’t want him to stay for dinner, but my parents insisted.” When I stayed silent, she asked, “Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad? You wouldn’t care if I was having dinner tonight with one of my exes while I was out here, right?”

That was a cheap shot, but I couldn’t help myself.

“Point taken. I’m sorry if I upset you. I seem to be doing that a lot as of late.”

Listening for a moment to the sounds of traffic coming from Mulholland Drive, I took a long, slow breath to calm myself. “No, sweetheart.” I rubbed my tired eyes. “I’m the sorry one. It was bad enough that I was incapable of being there for you this weekend, but him being there in my place is a bitter pill to swallow. You can’t help it if he stopped by unannounced, though.”

“I didn’t have the heart to tell him to leave. This is probably the last time I’ll see him—possibly forever, for all I know.”

I doubt that.“Don’t think he’s not hoping you’ll try to change his mind about leaving. That’s why he’s there, Lala.”

I stopped myself from saying anything else about that. I was making this about Warren, when deep down, he wasn’t the problem. The problem was me. It would’ve been impossible to feel insecure about Warren, if I were secure in my ability to be the right man for Lala. He was with her and her family right now, and I was sitting outside a recording studio in L.A. while one of my bandmates got blown by some random girl in a car parked diagonally across from me.

The sooner we knew whether this could work between Lala and me, the better.

“I think you should take them up on the offer to work from Philly,” I blurted.

“You’re just saying that right now because you’re pissed Warren is here. I get it. But don’t give me advice when you’re angry.”

“While I’m not happy he’s there, that’s not why I said it. If things are meant to work out between us, the distance between Philly and New York shouldn’t matter.”

I could hear her mother’s voice in the background. “Why are you in here, Laney? Is everything okay? I just put out dessert.”

“Yeah. I’ll be right there, Mom. Everything’s fine.”

Just dandy.

“I have to go,” she said.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “Alright.”

“Will you call me later?” she asked.

“I’ll try.”

Lala hung up without saying anything else. I couldn’t blame her. I’ll try? I’d acted like a prick again—and I immediately hated myself for it.

After at least five minutes of staring into space, I finally stood up.

“Hey, Holden,” I heard someone call.

I turned around to find a curvy blonde in six-inch heels walking toward me. She was one of a few women who’d hung around for much of our session. I didn’t exactly know who was who, since several random people kept popping up behind the glass while we were recording. She could’ve been with the label, or just someone connected to the studio we were renting.

“Hi,” I said.

She gave me a once-over. “Man, do you know how to work a pair of sticks. You were amazing in there.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that.”

“You guys play off of each other so damn well. Great work ethic, too. No one complained when you had to do several takes. Even when it was the tech’s fault. That’s a rarity.”

“Well, we don’t have a lot of time out here. So we want to make sure the demo is as good as it can be.”

“Hopefully it’s only the beginning. Something tells me this won’t be your last visit.”

I wanted to ask her who the hell she was, but didn’t want to insult her in case she was someone important.

“I’d love to get to know you guys better while you’re in L.A. Does the band have plans tonight?”

I was just about to tell her I wasn’t sure when Dylan appeared out of nowhere.

He practically flew over and skidded into place in front of me. “We don’t, actually. We’re all yours.”

“Awesome.” She chuckled. “Carrie and I will send a car to your hotel to pick you guys up.” She raised a brow. “Say eight?”

“Perfect.” Dylan beamed.

She turned to me and smiled. “Catch you later, Holden.”

I waited for her to disappear from sight before turning to Dylan. “What the fuck was that all about? Who is she?”

His eyes gaped. “You don’t know?”

“I know she was hanging out watching us for a while, but no, I have no clue who she is.” I shrugged.

“She didn’t introduce herself to you by name because you’re supposed to already know who she is, fuckface.” He smacked me lightly on the head. “That’s Alana Styles. She’s the head of A and R at Seal Records. She could single-handedly decide if we get this deal.”

My jaw dropped. “Oh shit. Okay. I had no idea.”

“You’d better do whatever the fuck she wants tonight, and I mean it.”

My body went rigid. “Are you suggesting that I’m supposed to fuck her?”

“Whatever you need to do to seal the deal—no pun intended.”

I pushed him. “Get the fuck out of here.”

He stumbled a little, and his expression turned dead serious. “Holden, listen. I overheard her gushing about you to the other woman, Carrie, who works in PR. Alana kept saying how talented you are. We need you to do whatever she wants.”

“Who’s getting whatever they want?” Monroe asked. He’d finally emerged from the car he’d been sitting in with some chick.

“Alana Styles,” Dylan said. “And Holden here is going to be the one to give it to her.”

“Niiice.” Monroe laughed. “I saw her walk over. What did she say?”

Apparently, I was the only one who had no damn clue who Alana was.

“She’s sending a car to pick us up at the hotel at eight,” Dylan announced.

Monroe’s mouth spread into a huge smile as he high-fived Dylan. “Fuck, yeah.”

“What are the chances I can play sick and skip out?” I asked.

Both their heads turned toward me at the same time.

“Well, you could,” Monroe said. “But then I’d have to staple your balls to the bed while you sleep tonight.”

I hung my head. “Dude, I really don’t think this woman wants me. She’s a big deal and was nothing but professional in there. Besides, even if it came to that, I wouldn’t be sleeping with her. But to be safe, maybe I shouldn’t go.”

Dylan glared at me. “The old Holden would have come through for us tonight.”

“Well, you have me freaked now. I get this is important, but I’m not about to prostitute myself for you, dickhead,” I spat.

The sad thing was, he was right. If this had been before Lala? I wouldn’t have had to think twice about sleeping with someone to further my career, if that’s what it took. Seal the deal. I was a little ashamed to admit that to myself.

“Look, you guys figure out what to tell her about me. But as of now, I’m officially sick.” I walked away before they could say anything else.

Realizing I’d left my jacket in the studio, I headed back inside. One of the techs was still lingering.

“Are you closing up shop?” I asked.

He swiveled in his chair. “Nah. I have someone else booked in about an hour. Just chilling until then.”

An idea came to me. “You mind if I tool around in there? I’ve got a song I wanted to try out a cappella.”

He grinned. “You sing?”

Fair question, since he’d only seen me on the drums.

“Occasionally, I dabble. Wrote some lyrics on the plane out here, and I’ve got this melody in my head to go with them. Curious as to how it sounds.”

He hit some buttons and pointed to the booth. “Head on in.”

I situated myself in front of the mic and pulled up the lyrics I’d written on my phone.

Can you meet me tonight?

On the rooftop under the moonlight.

I have a secret and can only pray,

When I say it, you don’t run away.

I’ve tried so hard not to cross the line.

Tried not to wish you were mine.

But I’m telling you as a friend,

Loving me is a dead end.

La…La…La…La

This is my warning.

Will you look at me the same in the morning?

La…La…La…La

Tell me you’ll stay.

Even if I warn you to walk away.

Now I’m going out on a limb,

Admitting you’d be safer with him.

But even if that’s true,

He won’t love you like I do.

I won’t take offense.

I know we don’t make sense.

The truth cuts like a knife.

But you’ll still be the love of my life.

La…La…La…La

This is my warning.

Will you look at me the same in the morning?

La…La…La…La

Tell me you’ll stay.

Even if I warn you to walk away.

La…La…La…La

I love you. I love you. I love you.