Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

Lala

It was amazing how much more exciting weekends were now that I knew I’d be spending them with Holden. The end of the work week couldn’t come fast enough.

Friday night after I got home, I took a long shower before going over to his apartment. As the water poured down on me, I felt on top of the world, growing more excited by the minute about our weekend plans, even if I had no clue what they were.

All refreshed and ready for whatever the night would bring—hopefully amazing sex—I went next door to Holden’s place.

When he opened the door, he looked amazingly hot in his gray beanie and a plain burgundy tee. My nipples hardened at the mere sight of him. But my horny haze was interrupted when I looked into his eyes and sensed that something wasn’t right.

“What’s going on, Holden? You look kind of down,” I said.

He sighed. “Yeah, we need to talk. Something’s come up.”

Oh no.My stomach sank as a number of worst-case scenarios flooded my mind. Are we done? “Okay…” I gulped.

“So…our manager called a little bit ago to let me know she booked us a bunch of new gigs.”

I blinked. “That’s good, right?”

He frowned. “They’re all out on the west coast, Lala.”

It took a few seconds to set in. He didn’t say west side. He said west coast. He’s leaving? “Oh…” A feeling of dread filled me. “Did you know this was a possibility?”

He nodded. “I knew she was working on getting us booked out there at some point, but she’d made it seem like it wasn’t going to happen for a while. Now she’s telling us she’s lined up several stops from Oregon all the way down through southern California. Apparently, she met a booking manager out there who made it all come together.”

I took a deep breath. “When is this all happening?”

Holden’s jaw flexed. “We’re supposed to fly out there sometime next week.”

What?“Wow. Next week.” I rubbed my nauseous stomach. “How long will you be gone?”

“At least two weeks. That’s what’s lined up as of now. But it could be longer.”

Two weeks wasn’t that long, but somehow I knew it would feel like forever.

Holden must have sensed my inner panic as I stood there speechless.

“You know what? Come here,” he said as he brought me into his arms. “I hadn’t even hugged you yet before I sprung this on you.” He breathed into my neck. “If this amazing thing wasn’t happening between us, I would be happy about leaving, but everything’s different now. I want nothing but to soak up every minute with you while you’re in New York.”

When Holden let me go, I gazed at the streetlights outside his window for a moment, unable to meet his eyes. “How is it even possible for your manager to spring something like this on you with so little notice?”

Holden scratched his chin. “Well, that’s the thing about the music business. You’re sort of expected to drop everything and take opportunities when they come. I’m fortunate that the guys and I have an understanding about that in terms of my job around here. They know the music comes first.”

Right. The music comes first. Don’t forget that, Lala. “What about the other band members?” I asked. “They have day jobs they can just drop?”

“They all do jobs similar to mine, and they have deals with their bosses. If an opportunity comes up, the music takes priority. Obviously, with all that I handle around here, we’ll have to hire a temporary service to do the maintenance, which we have in our budget. The guys have always known this could happen and I would need to be gone. So we’ve planned for it.”

I was sure I’d be the only one not okay with him leaving. But it wasn’t because I didn’t want him to have the opportunity. I wanted all the success in the world for him. I just didn’t want to be apart when things were just starting between us.

I stared back out the window in a daze.

Holden placed his hand gently on my chin and brought my face up to meet his eyes. “Talk to me, Lala.”

“Well, obviously I’m completely bummed about this, but I would never in a million years try to stand in your way. It is what it is, and I’m so proud of you, Holden.” I reached up and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

“Thank you, sweetheart. It’s a pretty big deal, since there are a lot of music execs out there. The goal is to try to get a few of them to our shows.”

“Yeah. That makes sense.” My gaze drifted to the ground.

Holden again lifted my chin to meet his eyes. “The last thing I want to do right now is leave. The thought of it is killing me.”

I ran my hand along his stubble. “It’s only two weeks, right? And I’ll still be here when you get back.”

“Two weeks will feel like two fucking years. We both know it.”

I exhaled. “Any person in your life has to expect this kind of thing. I would never want to hinder your musical aspirations or tie you down.”

“Well, you can always tie me down in a literal sense. We haven’t tried that one yet,” he joked, forcing a smile. “And if this is really upsetting you, I want you to be honest with me, even if I still have to go. I want to know what you’re thinking right now.”

I sighed. “It’s only upsetting because I won’t get to be with you. But just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m not also incredibly happy that you have this opportunity.”

He took me in his arms and scooped me up off the ground, spinning me around as he groaned. Wrapping his hands around my ass, he said, “How about this? We have a week together before I have to leave.” He put me down. “Let’s just vow to make it the best fucking week ever—not let anything stand in the way of fully enjoying each other.”

“Okay.” I grinned, trying my best to hide my feeling of impending doom.

I had not seen this coming, but I should have. That’s the thing. This news was a slap in the face from reality about what being a musician’s girl was like. Maybe it was better that I experienced this now rather than later. I needed to understand what I was getting my heart into.

***

That evening, Holden made his best efforts to take my mind off of his leaving. He took me out to a nice Italian restaurant called Vincente’s Trattoria that I had been wanting to try. I vowed to relax and enjoy my time with him—especially now that I knew how precious that time was.

Under the dim lights, with distant Italian music playing, I had just about managed to forget the bad stuff when our beautiful waitress appeared.

Rather than greeting us in a normal fashion, the attractive brunette simply looked toward Holden and said, “Oh.”

It didn’t take me long to figure out what was going on.

“I didn’t know you worked here,” he finally said.

“Well, I just started a few weeks ago.” She turned to me. “Uh, hi, I’m Sasha...a friend of Holden’s.”

A friend. Sure.

Seeming flustered, she shook her head. “Anyway, what can I get you guys to drink?”

The table fell silent for a few seconds before Holden said, “I’ll take a glass of cabernet.” He turned to me. “Lala?”

I swallowed. “I’ll have a glass of chardonnay.”

Sasha cleared her throat. “I’ll be right back with those.”

After she walked away, I placed my cloth napkin on my lap. “Well, I would ask who that was, but I’m fairly certain I can put two and two together.”

Holden’s eyes seared into mine. “I didn’t know she worked here. I wouldn’t have taken you here if I did.”

“Why?” I shrugged, trying not to lose my cool. “I mean, what’s the difference? I’ve seen girls at your shows who you used to hook up with. It seems we can’t go anywhere in this city without running into them.” I snorted.

While I know bitterness and jealousy didn’t look good on me, my feelings were impossible to hide. I’d already been struggling with the news that he was going on the road for two weeks. This just added fuel to the fire.

Holden reached for my hand. “I’m fucking sorry.”

Feeling my emotions spiral, I blurted, “Exactly how many women have you slept with?”

His eyes widened.

I couldn’t help it. I’d always been curious.

“I have no problem talking about this, Lala. You know I’m an open person. But the topic upsets you, so I’m curious as to why you’d want to go there right now, when you’re already upset enough as it is?”

My heart hammered against my chest. “Well…I might have this ridiculous number in my head, and maybe it’s not even as bad as I think it is.”

Holden’s face turned a little red. I’d officially made him uncomfortable. That wasn’t my intention. I knew I’d gone too far, but there seemed to be no turning back now.

“The truth is… I don’t know exactly how many women I’ve slept with,” he said after a moment. “I never counted. I was always safe, but there have been…lots. I won’t lie to you.”

“Hundreds?” I asked, as my curiosity continued to get the best of me.

He didn’t say anything.

Oh my God. Thousands?

“Not hundreds plural,” he answered. “But…dozens maybe, if I had to guess.” He exhaled and shook his head. “I never cared about being judged for any of that before. But I do care about your opinion of me.” His face held a serious expression. “I hate that my past keeps coming back to haunt me. But I was who I was. And I hope you know that despite that, nothing has mattered to me as much as being with you right now.”

My chest tightened. I was a horrible human for having shamed him. I suddenly snapped out of my jealous haze enough to see it. “God, I’m sorry, Holden. I’m actually really upset at myself right now for how I’ve handled this conversation.”

“You had every right to ask me that question. I get it, sweetheart. I really do. I couldn’t even handle the thought of you with Warren, let alone if the waiter who came to our table was someone you had been with on top of that. I understand how jealousy feels. I’m just sorry you’ve had to experience this feeling multiple times because of my history. That’s on me.”

“You owe me no apologies, Holden.”

When Sasha came back with our drinks, I vowed to calm down. I tried to accept the fact that she was beautiful. I tried to accept the fact that she had slept with Holden, and I did my best to move on and treat her like I would treat any waitress—not someone who had fucked my boyfriend.

Is he my boyfriend?

At one point, after she’d dropped off our entrees, Holden said, “I appreciate you trying to pretend you’re not upset. But Lala, when your neck turns red, that’s always a dead giveaway. That’s telling me you’re still affected.”

Damn.“It’s not so much that I’m still upset about her,” I admitted. “It’s just that my feelings for you are getting stronger, and I’m sensitized right now to every little thing since you’re leaving. I know it’s not a huge amount of time, but it’s a reminder of what life might be like if we were together.” I took a long sip of my wine. “Just something I’d have to get used to.”

He swallowed uncomfortably, and I knew he understood what I was getting at, even if I hadn’t said it: I still doubted whether he could ever be the type of man who settles down.

***

For the next week, Holden and I made every effort to spend each night together and not focus on the fact that he was leaving. We had dinner together every evening after I came home from work, and lots of sex.

But the night before he had to leave for his trip, reality set in hard. The one thing we hadn’t done this week was sleep over at each other’s apartments, because I always had to get up early, and I knew if we spent the whole night together, neither of us would get any rest. But tonight was different.

We were just finishing cleaning up after dinner when Holden wrapped his arms around me from behind.

“I know you need to get up early in the morning, but I really need to spend the night in your bed tonight,” he said.

I turned to face him. “You read my mind. Of course. I don’t need sleep tonight. I just need you.”

“You’re all I need lately…period.” Holden lifted me and carried me to my bedroom, kissing me passionately. As he began to undress me, I raked my fingers through his thick hair, eventually lowering my hands to pull off his shirt. It felt like I couldn’t have him inside of me fast enough.

Once we were naked, we fell lazily onto the bed. Holden locked my hands over my head before entering me in one swift movement. I let out an unintelligible sound of pleasure.

“I don’t want to leave you,” he muttered against my mouth as he slowly fucked me.

I relished every powerful thrust, unsure if this would be the last time we’d have sex for two weeks.

Our bodies rocked together in sync as Holden looked deeply into my eyes and never once moved his gaze away from me. That had to be the sexiest thing he’d ever done—so simple yet so intense.

Jesus. It terrified me how hard I was falling for this man.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispered as he moved in and out. “I’m gonna miss you…” Thrust… “So…” Thrust… “Fucking…” Thrust… “Much.” Thrust.

That undid my resolve. “Come inside me, Holden,” I panted.

His eyes rolled back as he groaned, and I felt the heat from him seep into me as he covered my neck and chest with kisses.

We’d had sex in many ways over the past several days, but this time was special. It felt different, and I didn’t dare mention that to him. Because then I’d have to admit the reason: it felt like he was making love to me, more than just having sex. I didn’t want to scare him away.

After Holden got up to get a towel, he returned to bed, wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me close. We never did have sex again that night. And despite the worries still swirling around in my head, I managed to fall asleep peacefully in his arms.

***

The following morning, I was no longer able to hide my sadness. Holden was set to take a car to the airport about an hour after I left for work. We had to say goodbye now since I was already late.

We stared at each other blankly as we chugged down our coffee.

He shook his head. “I have no desire to leave you. Please tell me we’re going to talk every night and you’re not going to worry about anything when it comes to me. I give you my word that I won’t do anything stupid.” He sighed. “Yes, I was who I was back then. But right now? I’m not him, Lala. I don’t want you stressing while I’m gone.”

My stomach hurt even more knowing he’d felt he had to give me that assurance. That was my fault because of how insecure I’d acted recently. “I trust you, Holden. As much as I sometimes get jealous, please know that it has nothing to do with a lack of trust.”

He took my hands in his. “I want you to call me anytime you feel like you need me—doesn’t matter if you think I’m in the middle of something.” Holden opened his backpack and took out a sheet of paper. “Also, I’ve printed out a detailed itinerary of every place we’ll be and when, along with the contact info in case you can’t reach me on my cell for some reason.” He handed it to me.

This was adorable. I suspected he’d never printed out an itinerary for anyone else in his entire life.

“The guys all know you’re leaving this morning, right?”

He nodded. “They’ve hired a maintenance service to cover for me.” He opened his arms. “Come here. I need to hold you one last time before I leave.”

After leaning my head against his chest for several minutes, I looked up at him.

Holden placed one last firm kiss on my lips. “I already miss you so damn much, and I haven’t even left yet.”

“I feel exactly the same.” I looked over at the clock. “Shit, I have to go.”

“Okay,” he murmured.

I gave my gorgeous maybe-boyfriend one final-final kiss on the lips, took one last look at his beautiful face, and walked out of my apartment, feeling empty and worried for the future, despite all of Holden’s assurances.