Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

Lala

The smile fell from my face as I read the name flashing on my cell phone.

Warren.

I’d assumed it would be Holden, since we’d been dirty texting back and forth all morning. I debated not answering, but I had so much guilt after breaking things off a week and a half ago and then running straight to another man’s bed. It felt like the very least I could do was act like an adult and communicate.

So I swiped. “Hey, Warren.”

“Hi, Laney.” He was quiet for a few seconds. “Is this okay? I mean, am I allowed to call?”

My heart squeezed. “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. This is new territory for me, and I’m not sure what to do.”

“Well, I’m sorry if I made you feel like it wasn’t okay to call. How are you?”

He went silent again. “Maybe we can talk about work or something. I don’t want to start out on a negative note.”

“Of course. Yeah, sure. How are things at work?”

“Pretty good. I’ve been working a lot, keeping myself busy, and this week I’ve made some solid progress on the immune cells I’ve been engineering, the ones from healthy donors that I’m using to target the blood-cancer cells in stage-two and -three patients.”

“Oh, wow. Congratulations. Tell me more about it.”

For the next twenty minutes, Warren explained how he was using Gamma T cells to promote cancer progression by inhibiting antitumor responses. Our conversation almost started to feel normal, like maybe we could be friendly without it being weird, until we came to a lull and he cleared his throat.

“How much time, Laney? Is it a week, a month, a year?”

I wasn’t sure what we were talking about, considering ten seconds ago we’d been discussing the fact that his latest research might move to a human clinical trial at some point. “How much time for what?”

“You’d said you needed time apart, to live as a single woman. But I don’t know what that means. Is it just a few weeks, or do you need longer?”

My gut twisted. “I don’t know, Warren. I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive, but I’m very confused, and I thought it was unfair of me to keep things moving down the same path when I wasn’t ready to go where we were ultimately heading.”

“I know I haven’t been a great partner. I work too much and haven’t been attentive enough. I took what we had for granted.”

I shook my head. “No, Warren, it’s not your fault at all. I meant it when I said you didn’t do anything wrong. This is entirely about me. You were always a very good boyfriend.”

His voice strained. “I should’ve moved to New York with you. I could’ve taken a leave of absence and showed you that you and your work meant more to me than staying here.”

“Warren, no. What happened between us is not your fault. If you would have offered to come to New York, I wouldn’t have let you. Your work is very important, and our relationship should have been able to weather a few months apart while I was here. Where we are today doesn’t have anything to do with New York, really. I think sometimes we get on a path and keep following it without giving the destination any real thought. We fall into a nice routine and keep going. Being here just made me stop and question a lot about myself.”

“I loved our routine, and I know where we were heading is exactly where I want to be, Laney. I’d marry you tomorrow, if that would make you happy.”

That was a kick in the gut. But that’s what I deserved. I’d committed to him and told him I felt the same, and then pulled the rug out from under him with no warning. “I’m sorry, Warren. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just take the time you need and come back to me. I’ll be waiting. You’re not wearing my ring anymore, but that doesn’t mean my heart isn’t with you. I’ll be loyal to you, my love.”

Oh God.I put my hand on my stomach, feeling a little queasy. I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t.

Eventually, Warren broke the silence. “I’ll let you go,” he said.

“Thank you for calling, Warren. I hope things continue to go well at work.”

“Bye, Laney.”

I lowered my phone and was just about to swipe to end the call when I heard Warren yell. “Wait! Laney!”

I raised the phone back to my ear. “Yes?”

“You’d tell me if there was another man, right? Is there someone else?”

Caught completely off guard, I panicked. “No. No, Warren, there isn’t anyone else.”

***

“Hey, stranger.” Billie smiled.

I’d been staring straight ahead as I walked past the tattoo shop and hadn’t noticed her walking out the door, only a few feet away.

I blinked. “Oh. Hey, Billie.”

“I wasn’t sure if you saw me. You looked lost in thought.”

I attempted a smile. “Just tired.”

Billie wiggled her eyebrows. “I heard you aren’t getting much sleep these days.” She laughed. “Sorry, the guys can’t keep a secret. But I probably should’ve waited until you told me about you and Holden getting together before I started cracking jokes.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. I’ve been meaning to come down to tell you.”

She squinted at me. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.”

Billie put her hands on her hips. “I will kick that boy’s ass if he’s upset you already.”

I laughed halfheartedly. “Holden hasn’t done anything wrong. I swear.”

“Then what’s going on with you? I can tell something is off by your smile. Your mouth is moving, but the rest of your face isn’t getting in on the action. You’re usually a full-face smiler.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled. “Warren called today.”

“Oh boy.” She rubbed her pregnant belly. “I can’t have anything to drink, but it sounds like this conversation needs wine for at least one of us. There’s a new café two blocks over that serves alcohol and dessert. What do you say we go get you a drink and this little guy, or girl, a brownie ice cream sundae?”

“That sounds perfect. Except I think I might need wine and dessert.”

She hooked her arm with mine. “Now you’re speaking my language.”

Fifteen minutes later, we had three desserts on the table, and I’d already downed almost a full glass of wine.

“So is your ex giving you a hard time?” She shoveled a heaping spoon of brownie with vanilla ice cream into her mouth.

I shook my head. “Warren’s been really amazing about everything. I just have so much guilt over jumping into bed with Holden. I went straight from breaking up with my fiancé to Holden’s apartment.”

“Can’t say I’m surprised, though. You two have been playing the cat-and-mouse game for a long time. There must’ve been a lot of pent-up frustration.”

I nodded. “We’ve spent a lot of time working that out the last few days.”

Billie smiled. “I’ll bet.”

I looked down into my wine. “We’ve had an amazing time together. And I definitely have feelings for Holden. But I also still have feelings for Warren. I might not be engaged anymore, yet a part of me feels like I’m cheating on him.”

“Well, our feelings aren’t like light switches. We can’t just turn them on and off. Ideally, it would have been nice if you had some time between one relationship and the other. Even when you’re the one who ends a relationship, you still need time to heal from it. But you and Holden…” Billie scooped more brownie and ice cream and spoke with her mouth full. “I don’t think anything could have stopped you. You’ve been on a collision course since that dance you shared at my wedding. It was impossible not to notice the way you were looking at each other.”

I guzzled the rest of the wine in my glass. “I can’t stop thinking about what would’ve happened if I hadn’t come to New York. What if I hadn’t realized I needed to see what else is out there until after I said I do? Would I have cheated on my husband?”

Billie shook her head. “Don’t play the what-if game. No good can come of it. Look forward, not back.”

Our waitress stopped at our table. “Another wine?”

“That would be great, thanks.”

After she walked away, Billie pointed her spoon at me. “You just said you needed to see what else is out there. Is that true? Or is it only Holden you’re interested in seeing?”

“You know, for my entire life, I’ve been the type of person who could tell you where I planned to be in five or ten years. I knew in middle school what I wanted to study in college, and when I finished college, I had my sights set on getting my own research study. A few months ago, I thought I saw my future with Warren. But right now, I can’t seem to see farther than today and tomorrow, and those days I want to spend with Holden.”

“Sometimes we need to live in the moment.”

Billie and I sat at that café talking for more than two hours. During that short time, I knocked back four glasses of wine. They didn’t hit me until I stood, but then I wobbled. And my pregnant friend wound up walking me home, when I should’ve been the one walking her.

I hugged her in front of the building. “Thank you so much for listening to me.”

“Anytime, my friend.” She smiled. “You look better.”

“I actually feel a lot better.” I leaned into her but forgot to whisper. “Alcohol makes me horny, so I think I’m going to stop by Holden’s.”

A man who had to be in his seventies stopped on the street. “I live at 210 West Street, apartment 3B, if Holden isn’t available.”

Billie and I cracked up. She yelled to me over her shoulder as I walked toward the door to the building. “Go get ’em, tiger.”

Upstairs, Holden answered the door wearing a pair of low-hanging sweatpants and no shirt. He had a set of drumsticks in one hand, headphones around his neck, and his skin glistened.

“Oh my God.” I hiccupped and covered my mouth. “You look so freaking hot.”

He flashed a crooked smile. “Are you drunk?”

“I think I might be.” I grinned and leaned forward. “And I’m also really horny.”

He grabbed my hand and yanked me into his apartment. I yelped, but loved every moment of it.

“I can’t wait to fuck you drunk.”

I giggled. “And here I was worried you might refuse me because you were too much of a gentleman to have sex with a drunk girl.”

“My dick was in your ass in the back of a van not too long ago, sweetheart. I think gentleman, when it comes to fucking you, is long gone.”

“You’re a pig.” I snort-laughed.

“Damn right. And you’re knocking on my door anyway.” Holden scooped me off my feet and into his arms.

While he strode toward the bedroom, cradling me, I licked a line up his chest. “Yum. Salty. I wasn’t sure if it was sweat or water from a shower.”

“I’ve been playing the drums for an hour. What were you doing?”

“Drinking with Billie.”

“Seems like you drank hers and yours.”

I smiled. “Maybe. But I needed it.”

“Bad day?”

“Warren called and told me he was going to be loyal to me. Then he asked me if there was someone else.”

Holden froze two steps into the bedroom. “What did you tell him?”

“I told him there wasn’t.”

He set me down on my feet. Too tipsy to notice that the mood in the room had changed, I kept going in horny Lala land. Dropping to my knees, I reached for the waistband of Holden’s sweats. But he caught my hand and moved it away.

“What are you doing?” I said, still oblivious and flirting. “I want you in my mouth.”

Holden put his hands under my armpits and hoisted me back up. “You’re too drunk.”

“But you just said—”

“I’m going to go get you Motrin and water.”

Before I could argue, he was halfway down the hall on his way to the kitchen. I was too drunk to fully understand that I’d upset him. After a few minutes, I realized I was also too drunk to remain upright. So I sat down on the edge of the bed and let myself fall back. A few more minutes went by, and he still hadn’t come back, so I yawned and shut my eyes. And that was the last thing I remembered happening when I woke up at six thirty the next morning.

Propping myself up on my elbows, I was momentarily confused about where I was. Holden’s apartment and mine looked a lot alike. But the big pile of drums in the corner of the bedroom helped me figure it out. Though Holden wasn’t in the bed next to me. I rubbed sleep from my eyes and went in search of him.

“Hey.”

I found him sitting in the dark at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee. Wrapping my arms around him from behind, I kissed his neck. “What are you doing out here?”

“Thinking.”

“About what?”

He turned and caught my eyes. “Why you didn’t tell Warren you were with someone else.”

Oh shit.A needle on a record scratched to a halt. Last night was a bit fuzzy, but I must’ve shared the conversation Warren and I had on the phone.

I sighed and sat down in the seat across from Holden. “I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to hurt him. I just ended our engagement a few days ago, and everything happened so fast between us.”

He nodded, staring down at his coffee mug. “So you’d rather hurt me than him…”

“No, no, it’s not like that, Holden. Really it’s not. It’s just… He caught me off guard with that question, and I didn’t have time to think things through. He’d sounded upset when he called, and I don’t like to hurt people, especially ones who have always been kind to me. I absolutely wasn’t thinking that the answer I gave to avoid upsetting him would hurt you. I don’t want to hurt either of you.”

Holden lifted his eyes to meet mine. “Is that all he wanted? To know if you were seeing anyone else?”

I shook my head. “He wanted to know how long I needed. I guess when I ended things, I told him I needed time for myself.”

He frowned. “So things between you two aren’t over for good? They’re just…what? On hold? You’re on a break of some kind? And I’m just the fuckboy you needed to get out of your system before you married the good guy?”

“No, Holden. It’s not like that.”

“Tell me what it is like, then. What am I to you?”

“I care about you. You know that. I’ve had a crush on you as far back as I can remember.”

“Are you still in love with Warren?”

All of these questions made my head feel like it might explode. I’d broken things off with Warren and jumped into bed with Holden and not taken the time to figure out what I was doing. Yet I didn’t want to lie. That would only make things more complicated.

“I don’t know what my feelings are, Holden. I have a lot to sort out.”

He pushed back from the table, the legs of his chair scraping along the tile, and stood. “It seems like the only thing you do know is that you want to fuck me.” He thumbed toward the hall that led to his bedroom. “Should I go jerk off so I’m ready for you when you’re in the mood?”

“Holden…”

He dragged a hand through his hair. “On second thought, I’m going to go shower. The lady in 408 needs her pipes snaked. It seems that’s all I’m good for these days.”

***

Later that night, I was still feeling down when I climbed out onto the fire escape with a glass of wine. I hadn’t heard from Holden all day, and I couldn’t say I blamed him for being upset. No one likes to feel like they aren’t important enough to mention. Over the course of the day today, I’d thought a lot about why I’d lied to Warren. And it had nothing to do with Holden. I was embarrassed about my own actions, how I couldn’t wait twenty-four hours after breaking off my engagement before jumping into bed with another man. I had no self-control when it came to Holden Catalano. And while I’d been selfishly enjoying the perks of that lack of self-control, I hadn’t stopped to think about the consequences giving in came with.

Lost in thought about how I could’ve handled things better, I was a few sips into my wine when Holden opened his window. He climbed out and took a seat at the edge closest to where I sat.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi.”

He looked down, shaking his head. “I’m sorry about how I acted this morning.”

“I’m sorry, too. I swear to God, Holden, lying to Warren had nothing to do with you. I wasn’t trying to hide you. I just didn’t want to hurt him. And if I’m honest, I’m a little ashamed about my lack of self-control. I jumped you the minute I got back to New York after breaking things off with my fiancé. I didn’t stop to think that not having my emotions sorted out could hurt other people.” I sniffled back tears. “I just acted on impulse.”

Holden reached through the bars of our fire escapes and cupped my cheek. “Don’t cry, sweetheart.” He smiled. “Your lack of self-control is the best thing to happen to me in a very long time.”

I covered his hand on my cheek with my own. “I hope you can accept my apology.”

“Only if you can accept mine. I get that you need some time, and I shouldn’t have tried to force you to put a label on whatever is going on between us. You were upfront about what you wanted from the beginning. Let’s just have some fun.”

My shoulders relaxed for the first time today. “Really? Do you mean that?”

“I do.” He held up a finger. “In fact, I bought you a little apology gift aimed at just that—having fun. I’ll be right back.”

Holden climbed into his apartment and came out a minute later carrying a red box with a big white bow tied around it. He slipped it through the bars of our adjoining fire escapes with a smile.

“This will make us both forget our little disagreement this morning.”

The box was unmarked. I shook it. “Is it liquor? Because I think the glass of wine I’m drinking is more than enough after my evening with Billie last night.”

“Open it and find out.”

“Okay!” I felt like a kid on Christmas morning as I ripped the bow open and pulled the lid off the box. The inside was lined with velvet and contained two items, one of which I recognized. I smiled and covered my mouth.

“Oh my God. You bought me a vibrator?”

“It’s from your list. I believe it was number six: playing with toys together. By the way, I didn’t realize all we have to do is write down what we want and our wishes come true. Santa’s definitely going to be getting an eyeful from me this year...”

I laughed. “You’re so crazy. But what’s this other thing?”

“We each got a toy. That one is for me.” He dug his cell from his pocket and held it up. “It syncs up with a phone. I’ve already connected mine. We insert that part inside of you, and I can make it vibrate, pulse, or rumble from anywhere in the world.”

My eyes widened. “Rumble?”

He grinned. “You want to go try it, don’t you?”

I covered my smile with my hand.

“I’ll take that smile as a yes,” he said. “Now go get naked. I want you spread-eagled on the bed before I get next door so we can consummate my apology.”