Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

Holden

A week later, the fog of jealousy had barely lifted.

Sure, I felt like shit for what I’d pulled at the club last weekend. It was immature and selfish. But every word out of my mouth had been true. And every reaction from her proved how she felt. I still had no right to act like a jealous dick, though. Warren showing up had caught me off guard and brought to the surface just how strong my feelings were.

Once again this week, I’d had to remind myself to take a step back. Luckily, I’d successfully avoided running into Lala since that horrible night, because if I’d done or said anything else stupid and gotten her into some kind of trouble with him, I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself. Even so, at this point, I stood a very good chance of losing Lala as a friend forever.

I desperately needed to get out of my damn apartment before I lost my mind. Thankfully, this afternoon was poker with the guys. It was Brayden’s turn to host.

When I showed up to his apartment, I’d apparently done a crappy job of hiding how I was feeling.

“You look down. What’s going on?” Brayden said as he stepped aside for me to enter.

“Nothing,” I muttered, heading straight for his kitchen to grab a beer.

I then took a seat at the table, where Owen and Colby were already situated. The usual pizza boxes were stacked off to the side. The smell of pepperoni made my stomach growl.

Everyone had been busy lately, so it had been a while since the guys and I had caught up, just the four of us.

Colby dealt the cards. “So what’s new with everyone?”

“I’ll go first,” Owen said, grabbing a cigar and lighting it. “I currently have a client looking for a building to house his, wait for it…” He paused. “Private sex club.”

“Well, damn.” I laughed.

“I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement in regard to the exact nature of the establishment. So keep this among us. But this is certainly a new one.”

“What type of space fits that criteria?” Brayden asked.

“There are apparently certain necessities, like enough private rooms and a certain ceiling height for sex swings in the common area.”

Brayden bent his head back. “And I thought I was going to be the one with the most interesting story to tell tonight.”

“Why? What’s up?” Colby asked.

Brayden spoke as he arranged his cards. “So…I went on a date with this girl last night who I met on Tinder, and apparently she didn’t trust me, so she brought her friend as a buffer. The entire time, all I could think of was how beautiful and funny her friend was. I wished I was on a date with her.”

“Well, that’s awkward.” I laughed.

“Yeah, tell me about it. I got a vibe from her friend, too—you know, that the feeling was mutual.”

“That’s a tough spot to be in,” Colby said. “What can you do in that situation?”

“Pretty much nothing.” Brayden shrugged.

“Do you know the friend’s full name?” I asked.

“Only her first name, Julia. But what would it have mattered if I had her last name?”

“You could look her up online after some time passed. Slide into her DMs,” I said.

“Yeah, well, so much for that.” Brayden chugged his beer.

I scratched my chin. “What if you reach out to the girl you were on a date with after some time has passed and ask for her friend’s name?”

He arched a brow. “You don’t think that’s tacky?”

I lit one of the cigars I found on the counter behind me and blew smoke out. “Who the fuck cares? It’s not like you’re dating her.”

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.” Brayden sighed. “Anyway, what’s new with you, Colby?”

“Well…” Colby flashed a big, goofy grin. “I happen to be holding in my pocket the very first photos of Baby Lennon.”

“No way.” I reached my hand out. “Hand them over!”

Colby took out a few ultrasound pics. “As you guys know, Billie doesn’t want to find out the gender. It was really difficult for me not to ask the ultrasound tech about it. But I promised, so I didn’t. Plus, Billie said it’s too early to tell.” He placed them on the table. “I’ve been trying to figure it out by looking at the photos. Any guesses?”

Brayden pointed to a certain spot. “That’s a total dick! It’s huge.”

Colby chuckled. “See, that’s what I thought at first, but Billie says it could be the umbilical cord. I don’t know what these things normally look like. I never saw Saylor’s images. But that does look like a penis to me.”

“It’s a pretty sizable one.” I winked. “Must take after his uncle Holden.”

Owen blew out some smoke. “I’m gonna laugh when it turns out to be a girl because that’s so obviously not a penis. It’s an arm.”

The guys and I went back and forth, debating the sex of Colby and Billie’s baby. I was thrilled that they’d passed right by me in the rotation of updates about what was going on in our lives. Because if I’d told them the truth about what happened at the club with Lala, it wouldn’t have gone well.

But I jinxed myself, because as soon as Colby returned the photos to his shirt pocket, he looked over at me.

“Holden, what’s going on with you?”

I fidgeted in my seat. There was a lot on my mind that I wanted to unleash, stuff I really did want my friends’ take on. I just didn’t want to get shit for even asking. But in a split-second decision, I did it anyway. “How the hell do you know if you’re in love with someone?”

All three of their heads turned in my direction at the same time, but no one said anything. They looked at each other, then back at me. You could’ve heard a pin drop.

Colby leaned in. “Why are you asking that?”

I rolled my eyes. “Take a wild guess.”

“Well, I know where my mind is going,” Owen chimed in.

I put my head in my hands. “I don’t even know if it’s love I’m feeling. All I know is that every single time I’m around her, I make a goddamn fool of myself. I can’t seem to make the right decisions…or think about anything else.” I lifted my cards and arranged them mindlessly. “I’m all messed up.”

“Is this about her fiancé being in town?” Brayden asked. “Is that what pushed you over the edge?”

“Partly.” I lifted my chin. “You knew he was here?”

He nodded. “I ran into them in the hallway last weekend. Lala seemed really on edge.”

My stomach sank. “That was probably because of me,” I confessed. “I sort of put her in a weird position last Saturday night.”

I gave in and told the guys what had happened at my show at The Villager. Needless to say, they weren’t happy with me.

Brayden leaned back in his seat and shook his head. “Dude, that was so wrong.”

“I know it was wrong. I should be doing better, but I don’t know how to stop. I know I’m wrong for her. But it doesn’t change how I feel.” I tugged on my hair. “Look, just pretend I didn’t say anything…”

Colby held out his palm. “No, no. You asked a question. I think we should all do our best to answer it.”

Owen shrugged. “Don’t look at me. I’ve never been in love. I can’t even find a woman I can stand spending more than a few hours with.”

“Same here, dude.” Brayden smirked. “Well, except for freaking Julia last night, but that doesn’t really count.” Brayden turned to Colby. “Looks like you’re the one who’s going to have to answer the question.”

“Okay, don’t mind if I do.” Colby cleared his throat. “Obviously, there are many things you can feel about someone when you’re in love. But the thing that sticks out to me is that when you truly love someone, you’re willing to give your life for them. That person means more to you than anything—including yourself.”

Looking down at the table, I knew I would jump in front of a train for Lala, if that meant saving her. There was no doubt in my mind that I would die for her. I thought that a little bit much to announce at this poker table, though. But I guessed I probably was in love with her. Unfortunately, being in love still didn’t make me the best choice. You can prove your love by letting someone go just as easily as you would by staying in their life and potentially ruining it.

“Thanks for the input,” I muttered.

“That’s it?” Colby’s eyes widened. “You’re not going to say anything else?”

“Nope.” I fiddled with my cards. “I need to keep my thoughts to myself. I’ve had diarrhea of the mouth enough. I don’t need you guys busting my balls. I shouldn’t have even asked the damn question. But I’ve felt like I’m going out of my mind since Warren showed up.”

“God, this brings new meaning to the phrase lost in La-la Land,” Owen chided. “That’s exactly where your head has been lately.”

“Yeah. No shit.” I laughed along with the other guys.

Thankfully, they got off my back for a while as we started our game, and the cards kept us relatively focused until Colby ended up winning.

When we took a break, I went into the kitchen. Colby followed.

He lowered his voice. “Hey, man, I just wanted to talk to you one on one for a bit.”

“There’s nothing more to say.”

“What you said you did last weekend, how you acted out at the club, it reminded me of the time I made a fool of myself when Billie was on that date—before she and I officially got together. Remember that night? You saw her at the restaurant with the guy and texted me photos. I made the biggest idiot of myself by texting her jealous rants. My feelings were splayed out everywhere like a rodent flattened by a truck. There was nothing I could do to stop myself that night. That’s what jealousy does when you really care about someone. What you did was no different.” He tossed his trash in the garbage. “Here’s the thing… I never got anywhere by doing shit like that, dancing around my feelings for her. Ultimately, I had to be straightforward.”

I nodded. “Easier said than done.”

“I had some of the same issues with Billie that you do with Lala. Not only were we seemingly opposites, but I never felt like I was quite right for her. Of course, there was also the issue of me having a kid.” He sighed. “Yet we still couldn’t stay away from each other. We just went around in circles until we started to communicate in an honest way. I think you’ve gone long enough doing the same dance with Lala.”

“I always get in trouble when I dance with Lala,” I muttered.

“Once she marries him, dude, that’s it,” Colby said. “There’s no going back after that. Lala strikes me as the type of person who’s going to do whatever she can to make a marriage work. I don’t see her getting divorced, although anything is possible.” He exhaled. “I know it’s strange for me to be encouraging you to go for it, but I care about both of you. While I’ll always want to protect her, I don’t know that you’re going to shake this. I’m starting to believe you have true feelings for her. And as your friend, I think you need to take your shot.”

He’s supporting this?A pressure I’d never felt before built within my chest. “Say I take the chance and take my shot. That doesn’t change who I am, though. I’m not the type of guy who settles down, who lives in a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. Everything I’ve ever worked toward has been about having a music career and being on the road. I don’t think it’s fair for me to tell her how I feel if I can’t be the type of guy she needs.”

Colby shrugged. “Well, that’s certainly a decision you’re going to have to make. I think you have to decide whether you’re willing to give up some of those dreams. Or maybe you’ll find you don’t have to choose. The bottom line is, there won’t be a choice soon if you continue to play games.” He nodded. “But you’re afraid. I get it.”

It was more than just fear. I had a moral obligation to protect Lala from me. “I’m not safe, Colby.”

He shrugged again. “The safe choice isn’t always the right one. That’s something I’ve learned with my own relationship. Billie was not the type of woman I thought would ever want to settle down with a guy like me. She was wild and free-spirited, and I didn’t want to hold her back. We were the dangerous choice for each other—but ultimately, our feelings superseded everything. And we learned to make it work.”

“Just to confirm… Are you saying you’re okay with me expressing these feelings to Ryan’s sister? Because you always used to be against the idea of me and her.”

He smiled. “You can call it cautious support. I see things a little differently now, how pervasive your feelings for her have been. That counts for something. From everything you’ve shown me, you seem to really care about her. Moreover, you told me you haven’t been with another woman since she got here? That says a lot.”

“Speaking of other women, you should’ve seen her reaction at the club when I had that girl on my lap.”

Colby made a face. “Clearly, she has some strong feelings for you as well. Aside from that, I also worry she’s not ready to get married, though at one time she might’ve thought that was what she wanted. But she strikes me as the type of person who’d sacrifice her own happiness just to avoid hurting someone. She might go through with it if she doesn’t have a strong reason to reconsider. That’s another reason to open up to her.”

“Yeah.” I exhaled. “Well, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about.”

“You just need to lay it all on the line; be brutally honest. You need to tell her exactly how you feel without worrying about the consequences. Because when we keep feelings inside, they eat away at us, and eventually…we die. Well, figuratively, I guess.” He shook his head. “I can’t picture you at her wedding. Can you? You know we’re all going to be invited. How do you stand there and watch her marry him? I can’t even imagine that.”

“I wouldn’t go,” I said without hesitation.

“You really wouldn’t go?”

“Wouldn’t go where?” Brayden asked as he burst into his kitchen.

“Up your ass,” I said.

“Are we having more secret Lala conversations?” he teased.

I rolled my eyes.

“You and I need to go out more,” he told me. “I can’t count on Owen or this old married dude here.”

“You’re right,” I admitted. “I’ve been stuck in a rut lately, and I’ve only been going out when I have gigs. I need to force myself.”

“Force yourself to stay away from Lala?” Owen said as he entered the room.

“That, too,” I agreed.

Brayden smacked Owen’s shoulder. “Hey, when your client’s sex club opens, can I get first dibs?”

“Again, I’m not even supposed to be talking about it, so keep your trap shut.”

Thank God everyone dropped the subject of Lala for the rest of the night after that.

Once I got back to my apartment, I felt like I’d reached my breaking point. I needed to reach out to her—tonight. I grabbed my phone, knowing if I thought about what to text her for too long, nothing would come. After all, it had taken me what felt like years to decide on a message last weekend when I gave her that bullshit restaurant recommendation. But this? Pouring out my feelings? There was no way to plan for this shit.

So I decided to type exactly what was on my mind. Because Colby was right. This situation was driving me mad.

I could always erase it and not press send, I told myself.

Holden: Hey, Lala. I want to apologize for what I pulled last Saturday night. (I feel like I’m always apologizing to you for my behavior.) This text should have come sooner, but I’ve been so fucked up and didn’t know what to say. While I’m sorry for backing you into a corner like that, I’m NOT sorry for what I said. Because it was the truth. I’m not going to claim that what I’m about to say is good for you. But it’s also the truth. Here goes: I cannot stop thinking about you. I think about you from the moment I get up in the morning until the moment my head hits the pillow at night. I have never felt this way about anyone. I know I’m wrong for you. That’s the thing. That’s why this is so unfair, but I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t give a fuck about that anymore. I haven’t been with anyone since you got to New York. I’ve been incapable of feeling anything for anyone other than you because I’m not interested in anyone else. That girl you saw me with last weekend was no exception. I wanted to make you as jealous as seeing you with Warren made me. It was a game. But I don’t want to play games anymore, Lala. I’m done holding back. I want you to leave Warren. If not for me, then for the sheer fact that, even though you might care about him, he doesn’t satisfy you like I could. He never will. The problem is, I can’t promise anything about what a future with me might look like. That’s the shitty part of all this. What I can promise is that I’ll give you what I know you want right now: to take your body to places it’s never been before. I don’t want to die and not know what that feels like, Lala. I want you. All of you. Do with this information what you need to, but if there’s any chance you feel the same way, you need to let me know, and you need to handle stuff on your end first. On the other hand, if there is no chance of us ever becoming more than we are now, I’ll move on. For good this time. If you love Warren and intend to marry him no matter what, you need to tell me point blank that nothing more will ever happen between us. I promise you, when I hear those words come out of your mouth, I will stop this. It will HAVE to stop. But make no mistake about it, I will continue to crave you.

My heart pounded as my finger hovered over the screen to either erase or send.

Three.

Two.

One…

I paused.

Send.