Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

Lala

I pulled into the same parking spot I’d pulled out of yesterday morning. My building was a few doors down and across the street. Looking around, everything appeared exactly the same as when I’d left to drive up to Philadelphia, yet nothing was the same at all for me anymore. I sighed. What a whirlwind two days I’d had.

I’d left New York determined to fix things with my fiancé. Warren had known things between us were off when he left last weekend, and he’d called every night this week to see if we were okay. I hated that I was making him feel uneasy. He didn’t deserve that. So I’d driven home to surprise him, like he had me the week before, in order to assure him everything was good between us. I swear I’d had the best of intentions when I’d left just yesterday.

Warren worked at the lab on Saturday afternoons, so I drove up early and visited my parents. After, I went to his favorite bakery and picked up his favorite dessert—gluten-free carrot cake with vegan, dairy-free “cream cheese” frosting—before heading to his place. But just as I pulled up, a text from Holden arrived. And after that, my visit to smooth things over didn’t go exactly as planned. In fact, it turned out to be one hell of a bumpy ride. I wound up sitting outside of Warren’s house for more than an hour, reading Holden’s text over and over. Then my fiancé noticed my car and came out to see if I was alright.

The moment I opened my mouth to tell him everything was great, tears started streaming down my face.

I couldn’t do it.

I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Now it was late on Sunday, almost eleven o’clock at night, and I still hadn’t responded to Holden’s text from yesterday. I wasn’t sure if he was home, but I was about to find out. Because things between us needed to be settled once and for all.

Adrenaline pumped through my veins as I got out of the car, walked across the street, and rode the elevator up to our floor. I could’ve used a glass of wine to calm my nerves before going to Holden’s apartment, but I was afraid if I went to my place, I’d chicken out and never knock. So I unlocked my door, tossed my bag inside without crossing the threshold, and walked next door.

My hand trembled as I lifted it to knock.

But my heart nearly broke when Holden opened the door, and his face fell finding me on the other side. I never wanted to be the cause of that pain.

He closed his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Lala. I should never have sent that text, and I should never have done what I did last weekend at the bar. I’m a complete asshole.”

“Can I come in so we can talk?”

Holden nodded and stepped aside for me to enter.

My insides felt like a shaken bottle of champagne, and I was afraid when I opened my mouth, I’d spew all over the place. I needed something to calm my nerves. “Do you have any wine?”

“In the kitchen.” He motioned to the other room, and I followed. An unopened bottle of my favorite pinot grigio was in the door of his fridge. He uncorked it before filling a glass and passing it to me. After, he put it away and leaned against the kitchen counter.

“Aren’t you going to join me?” I asked.

“The last thing I need is alcohol when I’m around you. I do a pretty bang-up job fucking everything up when I’m stone-cold sober.” He looked down. “I really am sorry, Lala. I had no right to act the way I did last Saturday night. And I should never have sent that text and unloaded on you. Even if everything I said is true, it was selfish to dump it all in your lap. You’re engaged to be married to another man, and I haven’t shown any respect for that commitment.” He lifted his head and our eyes met. “I’ve done some dumb shit when it comes to you. Can you ever forgive me? Can we pretend I never sent that text and go back to being friends? I know I’ve said it a dozen times, but I will back off and be on my best behavior if you just give me one more chance. I don’t want to lose you completely, Lala.”

When I said nothing, Holden looked pained.

“Please, sweetheart,” he groaned. “I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry.”

My heart pounded as I tried to figure out where to begin telling him everything I’d come to say.

“Tell me I’m an asshole,” he pleaded. “Tell me I acted like an immature idiot. Just don’t not speak to me. I couldn’t take that, Lala. Say something. Anything.”

I lifted the wine to my lips and gulped back half the glass before taking a deep breath. “I’m not engaged anymore, Holden.”

His eyes widened. “What? What did you just say?”

“I’m not engaged anymore.”

“Fuck.” He shook his head. “Is it my fault? Did Warren break things off because of what I did?”

“No, Warren didn’t break things off. I did.”

“Why?”

I looked down for a long time before meeting his eyes again. “Because everything you said in that text? I feel the same way, Holden. You’re all I think about. You said you think about me from the moment you get up in the morning until the moment your head hits the pillow. Well, I do the same, but I can’t even stop thinking about you when I fall asleep. I dream about you.” I took another deep breath. “And my dreams…are dirty.”

Holden’s eyes jumped back and forth between mine. “You’re really not engaged anymore?”

I shook my head and held up my ringless hand.

He stared at it for the longest time before taking a step toward me. “You’re not engaged anymore.”

“Nope,” I whispered. “Very single.”

He closed the remaining distance between us and put one hand on either side of me on the kitchen counter. Every nerve in my body zapped to life. It felt like I had an electrical current running through me.

“Tell me what this means for us, Lala. Tell me what you want from me.”

I swallowed. “You. I want you, Holden. And every which way. I want you inside of me more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.”

“Say that again…the part about wanting me inside of you.”

My chest heaved up and down. “I want you inside of me.”

His voice turned gritty. “Come closer. Tell me in my ear.”

I leaned in and whispered, “I want you inside of me, Holden.”

When I pulled back, a wicked smile spread across his face. He lifted his thumb to my mouth and traced the outline of my lips. “Do you want me in here?”

I nodded.

He pushed his thumb inside. “Suck.”

I closed my eyes and sucked hard.

When I opened, Holden slipped his finger from my mouth and traced a path down over my chin, along my throat, and kept heading south through the center of my body. When he reached between my legs, he dipped his hand under my skirt and rubbed two fingers over my panties. “Do you want me in here?”

I nodded, breathless.

His eyes gleamed as he bent and trailed his fingers even farther back. When he stopped at my ass, I felt a little panicked. Warren and I had never done that before. But I wanted to experience it all with Holden.

His finger pressed into the crack of my ass through my underwear. “How about here? Do you want me in here?”

I swallowed and nodded.

He smiled wickedly. “I’m going to leave marks. Everywhere.”

Oh God. I wanted him to do that, too. In the moment, I was pretty sure there wasn’t anything he could say that I wouldn’t agree to.

Holden lifted his hand to my face and cupped my cheek. “Are you sure about all of this? Because once I touch you, I’m not going to be able to stop, sweetheart. You need to be sure this is what you really want.”

My answer was to crush my mouth to his. Holden laughed between our joined lips. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Oh my God. Shut up and kiss me already.” I threw my arms around his neck and hoisted myself up, locking my legs around his waist.

“Yes, ma’am.” He grabbed my waist and hitched me up higher as he started to walk. In his bedroom, he sat me on the edge of the mattress and dropped to his knees before pulling back to look at me. “I don’t remember a time I didn’t want you, Laney Ellison.”

“I want you, too.” But when I reached for him, he caught my hand and kissed the inside of my palm.

“I need to taste you first,” he said. “I want you dripping wet when I slide inside of you.”

I held my breath as he bunched up my skirt and bent to place a gentle kiss over the front of my panties. If I wasn’t out of my mind with need, I might’ve been self-conscious that they were already soaked.

“You said you want me inside of you. But first you get my tongue.” He hooked his thumbs into the sides of my panties. “Lift your ass or they rip.”

I lifted, and he slid my underwear down my legs before nudging my knees apart. “Open for me. I want to see all of you.”

My knees fell apart shamelessly, but Holden guided them still wider. He licked his lips as he looked between my legs. “Your pussy’s even beautiful. Pink and perfect and so fucking wet for me already.”

Holden lifted my right ankle and placed it over his shoulder before settling between my legs. His very first touch was a simple flick of his tongue over my clit, and I almost jumped off the bed. It felt like he’d hit a live wire. He smiled up at me before sucking the bud into his mouth, and my hands wound into his messy hair.

“Oh God. Please don’t stop.”

I felt him smile against me. “A bomb could go off, and you wouldn’t be able to stop me. There’s no going back now, sweetheart.” He licked up and down my opening, his magical tongue pushing inside and exploring, then returning to focus on my throbbing clit. He hollowed his cheeks and sucked as one finger slipped inside and began to pump. When he added a second finger, I felt my body start to tremble. All of the muscles in my legs tightened as my orgasm built.

“Oh God,” I gasped. “Holden…”

“Say my name, baby. Say it again.”

He sucked harder, and his fingers thrust faster.

“Holden!” I was already about to come, and I tried to pull back. “Slow down.”

“No fucking way. Come in my mouth, sweetheart. Come all over my face.”

While my head wanted to rein things in and go slow, my body didn’t need to be told twice. I flew over the edge, crying out Holden’s name as he crooked the fingers inside me and hit a spot that made my entire body shake. I’d never had an orgasm explode like fireworks on the Fourth of July before.

After, I collapsed back on the bed, still panting. “Holy shit...”

Holden climbed to his feet and unbuttoned his jeans. “Jesus Christ. I can’t wait to feel that on my cock.”

I heard the zipper go down, denim brush over his legs, and the opening and closing of a drawer somewhere. Yet I was still in a fog, unable to really focus. That is…until Holden’s boxer briefs came off.

I pushed up to my elbows and blinked a few times, making sure I wasn’t seeing things.

“Holy crap, Holden. You’re huge.”

It might’ve been the first time this cocky man looked a little embarrassed. No wonder he was always so popular with women. Between what he looked like, that talented tongue, and the thick erection bobbing against his abdomen, it felt like I’d died and gone to sex-god heaven. And if the tatted and muscular package weren’t enough, the way his beautiful, blue eyes looked at me so intensely stole the remaining air from my lungs. I’d never felt so wanted or desired.

“God, Holden. You really are perfect.”

He shook his head. “I’m far from that, but I am going to make you feel like you’ve never felt before.”

The scary part was, I already did. And it wasn’t because he’d given me an earth-shattering orgasm; it was the way he made me feel inside—more alive than I’d ever been.

Holden scooped me from the edge of the bed and set me down in the center before he climbed on himself. He straddled me, one knee on either side of my hips, and used his teeth to tear open the condom wrapper before rolling it on.

I’d thought things were going to continue at the same frenzied pace they had been, but Holden didn’t rush this time. He lowered himself onto me, weaved our fingers together, and pulled my hands up and over my head before taking my mouth in a sweet kiss. When his tongue dipped inside, I could taste myself, and it wasn’t lost on me that Warren had always gone to the bathroom to brush his teeth after oral sex. This way was so much more erotic and intimate. Of course, Holden also really knew how to kiss; his touch was confident, with just the right amount of aggressiveness.

After a while, Holden pulled back to look into my eyes as he pushed inside me. The veins in his neck bulged as he eased in and out.

“Fuck. You’re so wet and tight. If you don’t relax a little, this is going to be really embarrassing for me.”

Considering I’d been in a state of nirvana since his first touch, I didn’t think that was possible, but I tried. It helped when Holden took my mouth again. His kisses were like drugs—they made me forget where I was and everything going on in the world around me. Not to mention, I was reasonably certain they were as addictive as the hardcore stuff.

When Holden pulled back the next time, he smiled. “I didn’t think it was possible for me to think you were any more beautiful, but the way you look when I’m inside you is easily the most incredible thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.” His face grew serious. “I want to watch you come.”

Holden was hard as a rock and rubbing along a spot that made my eyes roll into the back of my head. So he wasn’t going to have to wait very long to get what he wanted. Especially once he started to move faster. His gentle thrusts grew more intense, and he rooted deeper with each plunge down. But he never broke our gaze. The way he stared into my eyes made me question if I knew what the hell I was doing, yet it also made me question how the hell I’d accepted anything less than this feeling before.

Holden reached down and guided one of my knees up. The change in position allowed him to sink deeper, and I moaned as my muscles began to pulsate around him.

“Holden...”

He gritted his teeth. “Right there with you, baby.” His pupils dilated as he continued to stare down, watching my face as he drove into me over and over.

Unlike all the other times I’d had sex, my orgasm didn’t take its time to bloom. It shot out of a cannon, making my toes curl and my nails sink into the flesh of his back. Holden kept going, pumping into me ferociously until my body finally gave out and went slack. Then he buried himself deep with a groan and let go.

***

“You know…” I played with the light smattering of hair on Holden’s chest. “The first time I ever masturbated was because of you.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me about it.”

I’d been curled up on top of Holden since we woke up an hour ago. My cheek was pressed to his chest, but I turned now and propped my chin on my fist to look up at him while I spoke. “You were in the pool in our backyard with Nancy McDonald.”

“Who?”

“Nancy McDonald.”

He shrugged. “I don’t think I remember her.”

“Seriously? You had your tongue down her throat and you don’t remember her?”

“What did she look like?”

“Brunette, long hair, big boobs. She had on an American flag bathing suit. It was a day or two after the Fourth of July.”

Holden squinted. “American flag bathing suit sounds familiar.”

I shook my head. “I can’t believe I remember you kissing her and you don’t.”

“I remember you had a blue bathing suit with silver stars on it.”

“I did. It was my first string bikini. I’d had two-piece suits before, but never a string bikini. I’d talked my mother into buying it for my thirteenth birthday by reminding her I was now a teenager. She’d made me agree not to wear it anywhere but in our yard.” I smiled. “That worked for me, since I only wanted it to get your attention anyway.”

“Oh, it got my attention alright. But go back to your masturbation story. I want to hear how you got off the first time to thoughts of me.”

“You’re lucky you redeemed yourself by remembering my bathing suit because I was considering not sharing my story when you couldn’t even remember Nancy McDonald.”

Holden kissed my forehead. “I only remember the important things.”

“So anyway, while you were busy kissing Nancy in the pool, I was watching from my bedroom window. Getting busy with myself, with my hand down my pants.”

“Whoa! Lala Ellison, you naughty girl. I didn’t know you were a voyeur. My sweet little brainiac is a little bit freaky, getting off on watching others. I like it.”

I laughed. “I spent most of the time pretending I was Nancy, so I think it was more about sparking my imagination and less about me getting hot and bothered watching the two of you together. So you might not want to get your hopes up. I’m pretty sure that’s the freakiest thing I’ve done in my life.”

“We can fix that, you know.”

I bit down on my bottom lip. “I know you’re teasing, but I wouldn’t mind exploring my sexuality a bit with you.”

“That can be arranged. What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know. Nothing specific really. But I’m not too experienced, and obviously you are. I trust you, and I think it could be fun to try something different.”

“I’m game. But you should give me an idea about what would be new to you.”

“Everything would be new to me, Holden. I haven’t done anything daring.”

“Ever been tied up?”

I shook my head. “Nope.”

“Sex in a car?”

“Nope.”

“Sex in public?”

“Definitely not.”

“Sixty-nine?”

I shook my head.

“Anal?”

“Never.”

My cell phone alarm interrupted with a loud buzzing. I reached over to the end table and turned it off, looking at the time. “I can’t believe it’s six thirty already. I need to get to work.” I leaned up and brushed my lips over Holden’s. “I gotta go next door and shower.”

“You can’t leave me now.” He took my hand and slid it between his legs. “Look what you did…”

“I didn’t even touch you. I think you’re just perpetually hard.”

“You didn’t have to touch me. You just told me I’m going to be the first one to do sixty-nine with you and anal. Of course I’m hard.”

I laughed. “I never said you were going to be the first to do either of those things. I said I’d never done them.”

He pulled me to him and flipped us, so I was suddenly on my back, and he hovered over me. “Oh, I’m going to be your first for lots of things, sweetheart.”

“We’ll have to discuss this later, because I really need to get to work.”

“What about my erection?”

I pressed my lips to his and smiled. “You’ll just have to do what I did when you were busy kissing Nancy McDonald.”

Holden pouted. “How about I shower with you?”

I wiggled out from beneath him and got out of the bed. “That will definitely make me late.”

“Can I see you later then? After work? We can order in and eat naked.”

I smiled and leaned down for a kiss. “Okay.”

Holden watched as I collected my clothes off the floor and got dressed. When I got to the door, he stopped me. “Lala?”

“Yeah?”

He folded his hands behind his head. “Since you’re running out on me before finishing our conversation, you need to bring a sex to-do list when you come tonight.”

“A sex to-do list?”

“That’s right. I want a list of everything you’ve ever fantasized about.”

***

I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I’d cheated and Googled sex bucket list to give me some ideas. Then I’d gone through one by one and written down the things I thought might have potential.

Looking at the last entry on my list, I scribbled out sex in public and chewed on the top of my pen. Could I have sex in public?

Too many people have cameras.

Is it even safe to do?

I doubt it.

But damn…I had to admit the thought of doing it in public with Holden was pretty enticing. Then again, the thought of doing it anywhere with Holden made me feel tingly all over. So I put it back on the list, but added a big question mark after it.

What about a threesome?

With another girl?

Definitely not. I couldn’t share Holden.

How about another guy?

What did I need that for? Holden was more than enough.

Sex toys with a partner?

Sure. Why not? I had a few of my own toys, but it wasn’t something Warren and I had ever explored together. I bet it would be hot if Holden used one on me.

Mutual masturbation?

That one was definitely going on my list. Just envisioning Holden stroking himself while I watched made it difficult to sit still in my seat.

Being dominated by your partner?

I think I might be able to get into that, too.

I’d already discovered Holden had a naturally commanding way about him when it came to sex, which I loved. And because I already trusted him, the thought of submitting wasn’t scary. It turned me on a little. But I did have a lot of work to do today, and making this list had me unable to think straight. So before I forced myself to focus on my job, I texted the man responsible for my distraction.

Lala: This list was a bad idea.

My phone buzzed with a response right away.

Holden: The sex to-do list?

Lala: Yes. I have a ton of work to do, and now I’m completely distracted, thinking about the things I wrote.

Holden: What was the last thing you wrote on your list?

The last thing I’d written was the most dicey, so I debated, but then I said screw it. I’d spent twenty-eight years being conservative. It was time I lived on the edge a bit.

Lala: Being dominated by your partner.

The dots started to jump around, then stopped. A minute later, they started again and paused once more before a message finally came in.

Holden: What time do you take lunch?