Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

Lala

Twenty-four long hours passed, and I hadn’t seen or heard from Holden. Even though I couldn’t seem to stop my mind from visiting him, I’d managed to keep a physical distance. Since my well-behaved streak needed all the help it could get as of late, I decided to stop downstairs and ask Owen for the ride I was going to need later, rather than knocking next door.

He opened with his toothbrush in his mouth. “What’s up, Lala? Come on in,” he mumbled through foam and stepped aside for me to enter, holding up one finger. “Just give me a second to rinse.”

“Sure. Take your time.” I walked a few steps into the apartment and froze, finding that Owen wasn’t alone. None other than Holden leaned against the kitchen counter. “Uh…what are you doing here?” I asked.

He lifted a coffee mug to his mouth. “Owen has a fancy new cappuccino maker. He needed a ride this morning, so I traded him the ride for being my bitch, which included making me this deliciousness and avocado toast.”

Owen walked back in the room. “Sorry about that. What’s going on, Lala?”

Ugh.This sucked. I knew Holden wasn’t going to be happy that I’d come to ask Owen for a ride instead of him. And it also seemed Owen wasn’t going to be able to help. “Uh, I was hoping maybe you could pick me up from the PATH train later?”

Through my peripheral vision, I saw Holden frown. “The PATH? You going to Jersey?”

I nodded. “Today is the first day of interviews at one of the nursing homes where the participants in my research study live. The oil light in my car is on, so I don’t want to drive that far without getting it checked. I’m also overdue for an oil change. Tia is picking me up so we can drive together, but she’s visiting her mom who lives in Jersey after. So I’m going to take the PATH home. But I’ll have a bunch of boxes on the way back, so the subway will be kind of difficult to navigate.”

“Makes sense you’d ask Owen to pick you up,” Holden said evenly. “You know, with your arms full of boxes and all.”

“Right. Well, I figured the PATH isn’t too far from his office…”

“Sorry, Lala,” Owen said. “Holden’s actually dropping me off at the airport in a little while. I have to go up to Boston on business for the night.”

“Oh.” I forced a smile. “No biggie. I’m sure I can just grab an Uber or something.”

Holden lifted his mug to his mouth. “Or I can pick you up.”

“No, it’s fine.” I waved him off. “I don’t want to impose any more than I already have. I was only asking Owen since it was near his office, and I know sometimes he drives because he picks up clients.”

“Where in Jersey is the nursing home?”

“Hoboken.”

“Well, you’re in luck. I’ve been putting off going to The Heights, which is right next to Hoboken. I have some equipment the band borrowed from a friend that I need to return. I can do that this afternoon and then swing by and pick you up right from the nursing home. That way you don’t have to take the PATH or the subway.”

“Oh, no. I don’t want to put you out.”

Holden’s jaw flexed. “I insist. Text me the address, and I’ll be there.”

Damn it. This was exactly the reason I’d come to Owen and not Holden. Now I was already excited for the day to end, just because he’d be picking me up. The man was like kryptonite. I forced a smile. “Thanks, Holden.”

Owen put his coffee mug in the sink and thumbed back toward his bedroom. “I gotta finish packing. Sorry I couldn’t help out.” He narrowed his eyes at Holden. “But I’m sure Holden will be on his best behavior when he picks you up.”

Holden glared back at his friend. “Aren’t I always?”

Owen sighed. “Have a good day, Lala.”

“You, too, Owen.”

Left alone with Holden, I motioned toward the door. “I should be running too.”

He nodded. “Don’t forget to text me that address.”

“I won’t.”

“Oh, and Lala?”

“Yes?”

Holden smiled. “Owen’s office is nowhere near a PATH stop. So if you’re going to pretend you’re asking one of the guys because it’s more convenient for them and not because you’re trying to avoid me, you should probably look at a train map first.”

***

“Don’t you worry about that.” Theodore Mills waved me off as I straightened the covers on his bed after helping him up. “My Clara does that. She hides a piece of chocolate every day while making up the bed and pretends it wasn’t her. Been doing it since we were sixteen.”

My heart warmed. “Wow, since you were sixteen?” I walked around the bed and offered my arm. “The nurse said it’s either me or the walker. You don’t want me to get in trouble on my first day here, do you?”

Theo made a face, but took the arm I held out nonetheless. We walked side by side, at a snail’s pace, to one of the lounges and sat down on the couch. Today had been about assessing the participants’ memories, so I’d sat in on some standard tests the neurologist had given each patient—things like being asked to remember a few random words, answering a series of questions for five minutes, and then having to repeat the initial words at the end. But standardized tests didn’t always tell the full story, so I wanted to get to know the subjects a bit more.

“How did you and Clara meet?”

Theo smiled. “We met at a Halloween party. She was dressed as Marilyn Monroe, and I was Joe DiMaggio.”

“Wow. Sounds like it was meant to be from the start.”

“I was smitten the moment she walked in. I’d had my eye on her all night, but she was talking to a vampire. At one point, she took off her shoes. So when she wasn’t looking, I picked one up and held onto it until she was getting ready to leave. I knew she’d have to find it before she went home, and I didn’t want to miss a chance at meeting her, even if it was only to give her back her shoe.”

I laughed. “Oh my gosh. That’s so sweet.”

“When she came looking for it, I knelt down and slipped the shoe onto her foot. She said she felt a little like Cinderella, so I suggested that’s what we come dressed as the next year—Prince Charming and Cinderella—since they found their happily ever after and Marilyn and Joe got divorced.”

“How old were you guys when you got married?”

This was the first time today Theo hadn’t had the answer on the tip of his tongue. His face wrinkled as he tried to remember. Eventually he just shook his head. “When I walked her home that night, I told her my favorite candies were Now and Laters—they made them in a factory in Brooklyn, not too far from where I grew up. The next day when I put on the jacket I’d worn the night before, I found a few in my pocket. My Clara had slipped them in without my knowing. I have a sweet tooth, and she’s been hiding candies ever since.”

Forget Warren and Holden, Theodore Mills might be the man who won my heart. I’d been spending ten or fifteen minutes with each patient today, but I sat and listened to story after story about Theo’s life. There was something so sweet about how he never referred to his wife as Clara—it was always my Clara. At one point, we were both laughing when a woman approached. She smiled warmly.

“It’s good to see my man can still charm the young ladies.”

“He most certainly can.” I smiled and stood. “Your husband has shared so many amazing stories. I’m glad I got to meet you today. I’m Laney Ellison. I run the research study your husband is participating in. You must be Clara.”

The woman’s smile wilted. “Mary, actually.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry. I thought you were Mrs. Mills, Theodore’s wife.”

“I am Theo’s wife. He sometimes confuses my name with someone else from his past.” She paused. “His first love was Clara.”

Oh, Jesus. Where was a giant sinkhole when you needed it? Right about now, I wanted the Earth to open up and swallow me. I felt like a complete jerk.

The nurse who had drawn everyone’s blood today walked in. “Theodore, it’s time for your meds. You want me to bring them in here?”

Mrs. Mills, whose name was apparently Mary, looked down at her husband. “Do you want to rest for a little while before you have dinner?”

He nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good. Okay.”

The nurse came over to help Theodore up.

“Thank you for today,” I said. “It was a pleasure meeting you. I’ll see you again soon.”

“You got him, Patti?” Mrs. Mills asked. “I’d like to stay and speak to Ms. Ellison for a few minutes, if that’s okay?”

“Sure, take your time,” the nurse said.

Once we were alone, I closed my eyes. “I am so sorry for calling you the wrong name.”

She smiled. “It’s fine. No big deal at all. He calls me Clara quite a bit lately.” She motioned to the couch. “Why don’t we sit for a few minutes? I can fill you in on some of the things that are going on with Theo.”

“Sure, that would be great.”

Once we were seated, Mary sighed. “Theo and Clara met sixty years ago, when they were just sixteen. She was the love of his life back then, but eighteen months into their courtship, Clara’s father lost his job, and they had to move two-thousand miles away. They wrote letters back and forth for several years after that and had planned to run away together when they were both twenty-one. Theo and I met in college and had become good friends. Well, at least he considered me a good friend. I had a giant crush on the man.” She smiled reflectively. “He was always a charmer. Anyway, one night we were at a party. We both had a little too much to drink, and one thing led to another. I wound up pregnant. I knew Theodore was in love with Clara, but he insisted that he loved me, too, and we needed to get married. He’s a good man. And he’s been a good father and husband for the last fifty-five years, but his torch for Clara never really extinguished. My husband’s mind is going. Some days he can’t remember me, but he never forgets his Clara.”

I had no idea what to say, but I hated that I’d dredged all of this up for her. “I’m so sorry.”

She squeezed my hand. “There’s no need to be sorry. I’m not telling you to make you feel bad. I thought it was important for you to know how his mind works and what state he’s in. It’s easy to think a lot of these people in here are of sound mind when you talk to them, and sometimes they are. But it’s often difficult to ascertain when their mind isn’t as sharp as you might think.”

I nodded. “I appreciate you letting me know. You’re right. I had no idea Theo and I were talking about someone from so long ago in his past. And properly measuring the stage of his disease is key to obtaining the right results in my study.”

Mary smiled. “Well, next time you visit, if he talks about Clara again, he might actually mean current times. I’ve invited Clara to come visit Theo. I want him to be happy while he can still remember how to be happy, so I thought the two of them might like to spend some time reminiscing.”

“Wow.” I shook my head. “That’s…very generous of you.”

“It’s the least I can do after the many years of generosity Theo has given me.” Her eyes welled up. “Sometimes I feel like I robbed him of something irreplaceable. I assumed their connection had been extinguished long ago. But this disease has taught me a lot about love. True love doesn’t extinguish when people are separated. True love is when people are separated and your feelings never extinguish.” She wiped her cheeks and stood. “I better go make sure Theo isn’t giving the nurse a hard time about taking his meds. It was lovely to meet you, Ms. Ellison, and I wish you the best of luck in your research. God knows we need a cure for this terrible disease.”

“Thank you, and please call me Laney. It was very nice to meet both you and your husband.”

After that, my mood could best be described as melancholy for the rest of the day. I couldn’t stop thinking about whether maybe Holden was my Clara. It sounded like Theo and Mary had had a wonderful life together, but there was something tragic about their story, too. I knew I could be happy with Warren. We’d live a very pleasant life together. But was that enough to wipe away the lingering questions about my feelings toward Holden? Or would I still be thinking about what might’ve been when I was Theo’s age? It was a lot to consider, and it weighed heavy in my heart for the rest of the afternoon—at least until Holden arrived. He strolled in and smiled, and my pathetic heavy heart took off in a gallop.

“Hey. You didn’t have to come in,” I said. “I didn’t want to make you park.”

He shrugged. “You said you were going to have boxes, so I figured I’d help carry them.”

“Thank you.”

I wound up having eight boxes filled with patient files and notes. So even taking the PATH train would have been difficult, let alone the subway. Holden and I loaded them into the band’s van and got situated in the front.

“Thanks again for picking me up.”

“No problem.” He had his hand on the key in the ignition, but then he stopped and shifted in his seat. “Talk to me before we get on the road. Why did you really go to Owen for a ride instead of me?”

I looked down. “I’ve just been asking you for a lot. I’m like the pain-in-the-butt little sister you never had.”

When I didn’t look up, Holden reached over and put two fingers under my chin. He lifted until our eyes met. “Bullshit. Look at me and tell me you aren’t avoiding me because of what happened between us the other night on the phone.”

When I couldn’t, Holden blew out a jagged breath. He hung his head. “Fuck. I royally screwed up.”

“We’ve already talked about this, Holden. It’s not all on you. I could have hung up. Besides, you’re the one who’s single.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t want to lose you, Lala. I care about you. A lot.”

“You won’t.”

He caught my eyes again. “It feels that way. You can’t even come to me for a damn ride home.”

“I’m sorry. Me not coming to you is more about the stuff going on in my head. It doesn’t have to do with our friendship. Things will go back to normal once I’m not so jumbled. I promise.”

Holden’s shoulders slumped. “Okay.”

He started the van, and we headed back to the City, mostly making small talk. Holden was quieter than he’d ever been and seemed lost in thought. I felt bad about the distance between us, but I decided it was probably a good thing at this point.

When we arrived at the apartment building, Holden double parked and helped me carry up the boxes. After, he said a clipped goodbye, mumbling about how he needed to move the van, but I had a feeling it was more than that.

Hours later, I tried to fall asleep, but my mind wasn’t having it. So I got out of bed, poured myself a glass of wine, and decided to get some fresh air out on the fire escape. But when I climbed through the window, I realized I wasn’t alone.

“Oh!” I froze. “Sorry. I didn’t realize you were out here. I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d get some air and have a glass of wine.”

Holden held up a bottle. “Same.”

“Are you…just drinking it straight from there?”

He took a big swig and looked out over the City. “Yep.”

His tone wasn’t exactly welcoming. “I’ll leave you alone then?”

“Why would you do that when I haven’t left you alone since the minute you arrived in town, Lala…Fa la la la la, la la la la.” He sang that last part to the tune of “Deck the Halls.”

My brows pulled together. “How much of that bottle have you had?”

He brought the top of the bottle to his eye and peered inside. “Enough that I don’t think I can share.”

I laughed. “It’s okay. I poured my own glass. But are you sure you want company?”

“I’d love your company, Laney Jane Ellison.”

I sat down. “Uh-oh. You’re calling me by my full name. I must be in trouble.”

Holden shook his head. “I think I’m the one in trouble. I’ve been a bad boy. A very, very bad boy.”

“What are you talking about?”

He wagged a finger at me. “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been with a woman?”

Before I could even answer, he pointed to me.

“Wrong! Longer than that.”

I chuckled. “Dry spell, huh?”

He pointed to his crotch. “He’s lost interest in other women.”

Other women?Holden was at least a little drunk, but it sounded like he was saying the only woman he had an interest in was me.

“How come?”

“How come my dick’s lost interest? Because he’s stubborn. He always has been.” Holden looked up at me. “He wants you more than you can imagine. But don’t worry…” He tapped his pointer to his temple. “I’ve got control of him now. For a while there, things were touch and go about who was steering the ship. But not anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I made him a date.”

I felt panicked. “What?”

“He needs a distraction. Kayla Weathers is one with a capital D.” He snort-laughed. “And she likes the D, a lot.”

My insides were in turmoil. It felt like I’d drunk sour milk and wasn’t sure how things were going to turn out in the near future. The thought of Holden with another woman was crushing, though I knew I had no right to feel like that. I was freaking engaged, after all.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend,” Holden eventually whispered.

“What are you talking about? You’ve been such a good friend. You’ve driven me all over the place, fixed everything in my apartment, helped me with my car a half-dozen times…”

Holden shook his head. “A better friend would have kept his distance.”

“I’ve been just as culpable. You said you want me more than I could imagine. Well, you’re not the only one with desires, Holden.”

He smiled sadly. “I know. Desire can be a fucked-up thing. But whatever is going on between us ends tonight.” Holden climbed to his feet. “I care about you too much to be your biggest regret. Take care, sweetheart.”