Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

Lala

“When you’re good and wet, I’ll still keep you tied up. I’ll climb up your body and feed you my cock.”

Holden’s words had haunted me for two days straight. I couldn’t even count the amount of times I’d replayed them.

“Come, sweetheart. Give it all to me.”

We hadn’t spoken since, and I was all sorts of messed up inside, my body in constant arousal.

As I stood at my bathroom mirror, blow-drying my hair, I felt like I was going crazy, once again replaying everything. I’d go from being horrified to smiling uncontrollably about it.

You know who I felt like right now? Diane Lane in that movie Unfaithful. Ironically, I’d watched that once with Warren. There was a scene in the film where Diane’s character was on a train, heading home to her family in the suburbs after having amazing sex with the French artist she was having an affair with in New York City. She was manically laughing and giddy while somehow also overwrought with guilt and looking like she was about to cry. She deserved an Oscar for that scene. While I was watching, I remember thinking: “How could she do that to her family—no matter how good the sex with the artist was?”

I’d never imagined that there would come a time in my life when I could relate.

You didn’t have sex with him, Lala. This is nothing like that movie.

You’re okay.

Holden never even touched you.

These were the kinds of neutralizing thoughts I’d use to attempt to feel less guilty, only to be immediately followed by other, less-forgiving thoughts.

Who are you kidding?

You’re a horrible person.

I needed to talk to someone rational before I exploded.

Thankfully, I had dinner plans with Billie Lennon tonight, and she was the unlucky person I was going to open up to about all of this. Poor, unsuspecting Billie. Colby’s tattoo-artist wife was really cool and someone I felt like I could talk to, although I still wasn’t sure exactly how much I should divulge.

As I walked to the restaurant to meet her, I started to feel anxious, my palms growing sweaty. I didn’t want her to think I was a horrible person—because that’s exactly what I thought of myself.

Billie had already gotten a table at the Mexican restaurant a couple of blocks down from our building. She waved to me from a corner of the dimly lit place as faint mariachi music played on the overhead. Billie was stunning with her long black hair and vibrant body art cascading down her arm. It was hard not to stare at her because she was so beautiful.

“Sorry I’m late,” I said as I slipped into my seat.

“No worries. I’m enjoying the quiet. It’s not every day I get a girls’ night.”

“Yeah,” I breathed. “I really needed this night out, too. You have no idea.”

She tilted her head. “Everything okay?”

I licked my lips. “Um…”

“You look a little frazzled.”

I shook my head. “No. I’m good.”

“Really? Because as dark as it is in here, I can see that your neck is all red.”

“I’ll fill you in once I’ve had a drink.”

“Okay.” She flashed a sympathetic smile.

I opened the menu. “Anyway, I’m so glad we could do this. It was long overdue.”

Billie grinned. “So many times people say they’re gonna get together for lunch or whatever and never follow through—it’s all talk. I hate that bullshit. I appreciate a girl who walks the walk, so I was glad when you texted me.”

I hoped she wasn’t disappointed when she figured out that I had an ulterior motive and needed to unload on her. I took a long sip of my water as I perused the menu. “What’s good here?”

“I love the chicken taquitos. Colby’s favorite is the chimichanga.”

“Both of those sound great,” I said, though my nerves had made me not at all hungry.

A waitress appeared. “Hello, ladies. Can I start you off with something to drink?”

“Do you have vodka cranberries?” I asked.

“Sure, we can make that for you.” She turned to Billie. “And you?”

Billie held her palm out. “Oh, just water for me.”

The waitress nodded. “Got it.”

After she left, I said, “Well, now I feel stupid drinking if you’re not having anything.”

“Oh, believe me. I would partake if I could.”

It took me a few seconds to notice the look on her face, like she was waiting for me to figure it out.

“Oh my God.” I covered my mouth. “Are you…pregnant?”

Billie nodded, unleashing a huge smile.

“No way!” I stood up from my seat and pulled her into a hug. “I am so freaking happy for you guys!”

“Thank you!”

I returned to my seat and leaned in. “Tell me everything. When did you find out?”

Billie clasped her hands together. “So, first off, you’re the only one from the crew who knows right now. Colby and I are planning a get together to announce it to the guys and Saylor at the same time. I’m just telling you right now because I need to tell someone. I’m going crazy keeping it inside.”

Damn, could I relate to that feeling.“Wow. I’m super honored that you’re trusting me with this. How far along are you?”

“Two months. So, we’re not out of the woods yet. They say three months is a safer time to start announcing it.”

“Have you been sick at all?”

“Surprisingly, no. I haven’t gotten morning sickness. It would suck if I had to work on clients like that, so I’m grateful. But the one bummer is that coffee now turns me off, so I haven’t been drinking it. I used to love my cup in the morning.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard you can get aversions to certain things.”

Billie was always gorgeous, but she was absolutely glowing right now.

“I’m so excited, Lala. I never expected it, you know? A biological child wasn’t something I had to have because Saylor is truly my daughter. And believe me, she’s more than enough. For a while there, I wasn’t even sure I could get pregnant because we hadn’t been using anything in forever and nothing happened. But then one day, I just felt different. Not bad…just different. And I had a feeling. So I took a test, and there it was.”

“Are you gonna find out the sex?”

Even the word sex coming out of my mouth brought a fleeting wave of guilt.

“Actually, we’ve been talking about keeping it a surprise.”

“Really.” I moved some ice around with my straw. “Gosh, I don’t know if I could be so patient.”

“I think not knowing makes it so much more exciting.”

“Well, I’m very happy for you and Colby.”

“A baby might not be that far off into the future for you,” she said. “Do you want kids?”

My stomach churned. “Oh, yes. I’ve always wanted kids.”

“Is that something you and Warren want to get going on soon after you’re married, or do you think you’ll wait?”

My drink arrived before I could answer. Thank God. I took a long gulp as Billie watched me. Then I started fidgeting in my seat.

“What’s going on with you, Lala? You don’t seem like yourself today.”

That was my cue.

“I’m not myself, Billie. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.” I took another sip and when my straw made a slurping sound, I realized I’d already finished the damn thing.

She looked down at my empty glass. “Whoa. Okay. Take a deep breath. Then tell me everything.”

“I feel horrible bringing this up after the news you just gave me. This dinner should be about you.”

“Fuck that, Lala. This baby will be incubating inside me for another seven months. There’s plenty of time to talk about me. Whatever is going on is eating away at you. You need to let it out now.”

I nodded. “When you mentioned Warren just now, and what I want in the future, the most incredible guilt came over me. I should be thinking about my upcoming marriage and babies. I should be yearning for all of that. And I do—I want that stable kind of life. But my mind has been somewhere else completely lately. I have these…” I paused. “Desires that I can’t seem to shake.”

She crossed her arms and nodded. “It’s Holden, isn’t it?”

Shocked by her perceptiveness, I blinked. “How did you know?”

“The last time you guys were at our apartment, I got a vibe. The way he jumped to leave with you, the way you guys danced at our wedding. Don’t think I didn’t catch that. There’s a vibe for sure.” She raised her brow. “It’s not exactly new, though, is it?”

I looked away. “Holden and I have a connection that goes way back. We used to have these conversations when no one else was around—that Ryan didn’t even know about. It was all very innocent then, though. Whatever is happening now…doesn’t feel so innocent.”

“What are we talking about here, Lala? I need you to be upfront with me. No bullshit.” She sighed. “If all this is just flirting, I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it. I mean—”

“We had phone sex,” I blurted before sucking down the remnants of my basically empty glass.

Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.

Billie’s eyes widened, and she lifted her hand to the waitress. “She’s gonna need another drink.”

I blew out a long, shaky breath. “Not so innocent, huh?”

“Okay. Back up. How did that happen?”

I proceeded to tell Billie everything that’d happened in the month since I’d arrived in New York, from going to Holden’s shows, to the hotel-room stay, to the phone sex. She listened intently with a look of complete nonjudgment, which I appreciated more than she could know.

“Okay…” she said. “So while not innocent by any means, when you originally said you had phone sex, I assumed it had been a little more interactive. No offense, but I couldn’t even picture you doing that, for some reason.” She laughed. “Not that the one-sided stuff you participated in was right. But you literally just listened to something and got off. Sort of like porn. So, it’s not as bad as it could be.”

“It was bad enough.”

“Let me ask you something, though. Is this attraction to Holden more than just sexual?”

The woman came by to take our order, which gave me a minute to think about Billie’s question. I chose the beef tacos while Billie ordered taquitos.

After the waitress left, I returned to Billie’s question. “So…like I said before, he and I have always had a connection. I don’t think these feelings would be messing me up so much if they were purely sexual. Holden is not what anyone in their right mind would consider boyfriend material, but he does have some really good qualities. He’s incredibly down-to-earth, wears his heart on his sleeve, and would do just about anything for anyone. I never feel judged by him. I feel like I could tell him anything.”

Billie leaned in. “I’m gonna be straight with you, Lala. I don’t know how to feel about this. On one hand, I know Holden’s reputation and history would seem to make him a bad partner. On the other hand, I’m a believer that everyone has to grow up sometime. Maybe he does have the capacity to change. I mean, my husband was apparently just as big a playboy as Holden at one time. He’s not anymore—otherwise he’d be dead.” She chuckled. “I guess what I’m saying is, if you have true feelings for Holden, maybe you need to consider pausing your plans with Warren.”

I swallowed. “Cancel the wedding, you mean?”

“I hate to say it, but yeah. I’m not saying break up with him, even. But for fuck’s sake, sort this shit out before you end up marrying the man.”

“Not sure how I end our engagement and keep the relationship alive, though. It’s either break up or don’t.”

“Do you love him?”

“Who?”

Billie’s mouth slowly opened. “Oh my God…you had to think about who I was referring to? Think about that, Lala.” She shook her head. “I was talking about Warren. But in your mind, you were also considering whether you loved Holden.”

Jesus.I rubbed my eyes. “I do love Warren. But I don’t know what that means anymore. I care about him deeply. Is that really enough? I think the scariest part is that I don’t know whether all of this is a phase. My biggest fear is letting go of someone who will truly make a great partner because of a fire inside of me that could eventually burn out. Or worse, it destroys me. What happens then?”

“You might be alone. That’s the truth. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. But life is about taking chances, Lala. The safe route isn’t always the best. What if you missed out on something mind-blowing because you weren’t willing to risk losing everything? I get that Warren is safe and you love him on some level. But as someone watching from the outside? It’s clear to me that you’re looking for more.”

The room felt like it was swaying. “Yeah,” I muttered.

“Whether that more comes from Holden or not, I can’t be sure. I also don’t want to put all of my faith in him because I don’t know that I can do that, either. I would love to believe he could change, though.” She smacked the table. “Do me a favor. Don’t waste any more time beating yourself up over what already happened. Just vow to do better. Make wise decisions that won’t put you further into a state of guilt. That doesn’t mean taking the safe way out, either, Lala.” She leaned in and whispered, “If you want to fuck Holden, do it. But handle things with Warren first. Tell him you need space to sort things out. Make a clear decision one way or the other. Because it’s this in-between shit that’s driving you mad.”

“You’re right,” I murmured, feeling tears form at the thought of hurting Warren.

“I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, babe.”

I nodded. “I know you and Colby probably share everything. But if you could not tell him about this conversation, I would appreciate it.”

“He doesn’t need to know about this. I won’t say anything. But don’t be surprised if Holden eventually clues him in. Holden has a pretty big mouth.”

The thought of Colby finding out what Holden and I had done the other night made my stomach sick. I also didn’t want the guys giving Holden hell for anything because it was just as much my fault.

It felt good to bounce all this off of Billie, even if she spoke some harsh truths. I certainly had a lot to think about.

Once our food arrived, we managed to keep the rest of the evening light. After our meal, Billie went ahead of me back to the building because I needed to stop at the pharmacy for a few things on the way home.

During the walk back, my phone lit up with a text from Warren.

Warren: Are you alone?

Laney: I’m walking home from dinner.

Warren: I have no pants on.

Laney: Oh?

Then it hit me what he was trying to do. Before I could respond, he wrote back.

Warren: I was hoping you’d want to duck.

Warren: Duck.

Warren: Duck.

Warren: Damn autocorrect!

Warren: Fuck! You know, do it virtually. Over the phone. Tonight. I felt bad about how the other attempt went.

My sweet boyfriend.Overcome with emotion, I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and closed my eyes. I couldn’t do this anymore. It needed to stop.

***

My renewed determination to avoid Holden ended the following evening when my smoke alarm started beeping randomly. It reminded me of what had happened with the carbon monoxide detector when I’d first stayed here. The battery probably needed to be replaced, and I didn’t have one. I didn’t want to have to call him, but this was going to drive me absolutely bonkers and keep me awake if I didn’t. So, I finally gave in and texted Holden.

My heart thundered against my chest when the knock on the door came.

I opened. “Hi.”

“Hey.” He smiled. “I’ve got the battery. Should only take me a few.”

“Great.” I moved aside to let him in, instantly buzzed by his musky scent.

The tension in the air was thick as I stood watching him loosen the detector from the ceiling. Neither of us said a word, which was certainly odd.

When he finished, he turned to me. “Anything else you need?”

I cleared my throat. “No. Thank you.”

He stared at me for a few moments. “Is this how it’s going to go down now? You not saying anything to me while you turn red?”

I let out what felt like all the air in my body. “Even hearing your voice now makes me think about it, Holden.”

“I’m not gonna lie, Lala. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, either.”

“We took things too far,” I said.

He looked down at his shoes a moment. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t force me to do anything. I wanted it.”

Holden groaned and ran his hand through his thick hair. “No one but us will ever know about it, okay? Choose to give yourself a break. I was helping you get a little relief. That’s all it was.” He paused. “We’re still friends. Right? I don’t want to lose you because of some impulsive decision I made.” He sighed. “I promise I won’t pull anything like that again.” He smirked. “I mean, unless you happen to call me some night after midnight.” He winked. When I didn’t laugh, he frowned. “I’m kidding, Lala. Look…my intent was to make you feel good. That was it. You deserve that.”

I cocked my head. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“This whole dance we’re doing? You act like it’s all about me. But it’s messing with your mind, too.”

“I’m not going to deny that.”

“Did you get off too…the other night?” I asked.

His eyes bore into mine. “You’re gonna have to be more specific.”

“Not sure how to phrase it any better.”

“Are you asking if I came while I was getting you off?”

I nodded.

“I know you, Lala. You’re asking me that so you can feel more guilty if I tell you I did it along with you, right?” He exhaled. “I was turned on. You know that. But I was focused on you, not me.” He muttered, “I mean, I did jerk off after we hung up. But…” He shook his head. “Again…you didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t even touch. It is what it is. And I do take the fall for it. Even though you say it takes two. This one’s on me. And I’m telling you, it won’t happen again.”

“Okay,” I whispered, feeling no less unsettled.

Silence filled the air again. “Let’s change the subject,” he said after a moment. “How was your mom’s visit? I mean, besides the part I was there for.”

“You want to know the truth?”

“Yeah.”

“It was a little weird. Not only did I find out that my mother sometimes day drinks, which is kind of cool, but she was definitely on to the vibe between you and me. That was unsettling.”

“Shit,” he muttered and looked away. “That whole wedding-dress thing. It made you getting married feel very real.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me.”

“I know it may not always seem like it, but I want the best for you, Lala. I swear, I’m not trying to mess up your life.” His eyes were sincere.

“I feel like you have just as much control as I do lately, Holden. And that’s really not that much.”

“You’d be surprised how much control I have, sweetheart. It’s hanging on by a thread sometimes, but I have control. There’s a lot I’ve wanted to say and do that I haven’t.” He shook his head. “Look, I’m going to back off, okay? This is your life. It’s not a game. And I’m not gonna make it complicated for you anymore.” We stood in silence again before he simply said, “I’d better go.”

Then Holden stormed off.

I lay in bed that night feeling empty, like I was at a crossroads. I could take the safe direction with Warren. In my head, the Warren road was perfectly paved and tree-lined, with classical music playing and the sound of children’s laughter in the distance. It was peaceful and safe. Then there was the Holden road: bumpy with cobblestones and flashy lights, rock music—plus lots of sex. That road made my heart race. And there was a big sign at the entrance that read: Enter at your own risk.