Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

Lala

“Mom! Oh my gosh. What are you doing here?”

My mother was the last person I’d expected to find on the other side of my door bright and early on a Saturday morning. Sadly, I felt a twinge of disappointment since I’d thought it might be Holden.

Mom held her arms up. “Surprise! I came to take you shopping.”

“Shopping?” My forehead wrinkled. “For what?”

She stepped forward and hugged me. “For wedding dresses!”

Oh.

Ugh. Wedding dresses.

That wasn’t exactly what I felt like doing, but I didn’t want to make my mom feel bad. Plus, I should’ve been ecstatic to go dress shopping. “Wow. Okay. How…awesome.” I waved her inside. “Come in, come in.”

My mother clapped her hands. “I got you an appointment at Kleinman’s for twelve o’clock today.”

“Really?” I blinked a few times. When I’d first gotten engaged, I’d found a few wedding dresses I liked in bridal magazines, and they all seemed to come from Kleinman’s in Manhattan. I’d tried to make an appointment, but they were booked solid three months out. “Did you make it a long time ago?”

Mom shook her head. “I signed up to be notified of any last-minute cancelations. Last night I got a text that an appointment had become available today, so here I am.”

My mom was the best mother in the world, and I was happy to see her, even if the thought of dress shopping made me a bit queasy right now. I’d probably get over it once I started to try things on. “I can’t believe you’re here.” I smiled. “Thank you so much, Mom.”

Two hours later, I was standing on a round modeling pedestal wearing the Vera Wang tulle-bottom dress I’d loved in a magazine. My mother’s eyes welled up.

“Oh my God, Laney. You look like a princess.”

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. The dress was gorgeous, and it fit me like a glove. Yet something about it didn’t feel right.

“It’s really beautiful, but I’m not sure it’s the one, Mom.”

“Really?” She forced a smile. “Well, you need the one when you marry the one, so we’ll just have to keep looking.”

I tried on a dozen more dresses after that, with each successive one becoming harder and harder to look at in the mirror. It was causing me so much stress that the rash I often got when I was anxious broke out.

My mother noticed. “Oh honey, your neck is all red.”

I covered the skin with my hand. “I think the fabric on that last dress may have irritated it a little. It’s fine.”

But by the time we left the store, the rash covered my chest, neck, and the upper part of my back. We’d told the saleswoman I was going to think over a few dresses I really liked and would be in touch soon. Then Mom and I went to lunch at a little café down the block. We both ordered chicken Caesar salads and a glass of white wine.

“Is everything okay, sweetheart?” My mom tilted her head. She was so good at reading me. “You seem a little preoccupied today. Sad even.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I’m not sad. Maybe a little tired. I went out with my friend Tia last night.” I omitted that the guys had joined us. “Also…things have been busy at work. I guess it’s weighing on me more than I realized.”

Mom was quiet for a long time. “Are you sure you’re not having second thoughts about the wedding?”

I stared at my mom, willing myself to tell her she was crazy and of course I wasn’t having second thoughts. But as I tried to get my jaw to move to speak, tears started trickling down my cheeks.

“Oh no…” My mom scooted her chair closer and took my hand. “Talk to me. What’s going on? Are you okay? Did something happen with Warren? Is it the possible move to California?”

I started rambling while fat tears streamed down my face. “I swear, Mom… I didn’t want it to happen, but I can’t stop thinking about this other guy. I have these fantasies… Warren is the only man I’ve ever been with. So how can I be sure he’s the right one? I mean, I love chicken, and if I had only ever eaten chicken, I’d probably be happy because it’s good, you know? But steak is ridiculously delicious, and what if I never tried steak to realize I like it better than chicken? Does that mean the chicken is less good? Or would I spend the rest of my life bored with eating chicken? What if chicken isn’t enough for me to eat for the rest of my life?” I felt a little panicked. “Do I need to eat steak, Mom? Do I? You’d tell me if I did, right?”

Mom smiled and patted my hand. “I think what you’re asking is if it’s normal to fantasize about another man. Am I right, sweetheart? Because I like pork better than chicken or beef, so if that’s not what you’re asking, I think I might be even more confused than you are.”

I laughed and swiped at my wet cheeks. “I’ve been having these dreams about a guy here in New York. Is that normal?”

“Well, I sure hope so, because I’ve had a thing for George Clooney for years. Your father thinks I like when he wears a tuxedo because it means we’re going out somewhere fancy, but really, it’s because he reminds me of George.” My mom leaned closer and lowered her voice. “This one time, the news covered him going to a White House state dinner of some sort. I recorded the news and watched it a dozen times.”

But George Clooney didn’t live one thin wall away from my mother…

And George Clooney didn’t tell her how perfect her ass is…

And I was pretty certain she hadn’t slept in the same bed as him.

“I think some level of fantasy about other men is normal,” Mom continued.

Some level? But not twenty-four-seven obsessing, right? “How do you know when it’s too much, though?”

“I guess when real feelings become involved. I can stare at Mr. Clooney all day long, but I don’t have real feelings for him. There’s a difference between playful fantasy in our head and emotional cheating. You can’t feel guilty because you have a sexy dream or two about a handsome man. Thoughts are only thoughts, sweetheart. Unless you’re considering acting on them, you aren’t doing anything wrong.”

But I had acted on them, hadn’t I? Even if I hadn’t technically cheated, I’d run my toe right across the line on more than one occasion—sleeping in a bed with Holden, looking at him practically naked—letting him look at me. When it came down to it, that was the real reason I’d felt like shit putting on a pure white wedding dress today. It was a stark reminder of the impure thoughts I couldn’t seem to get out of my head about Holden lately.

“It’s normal to have pre-wedding jitters, sweetheart. Really, it is. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself for some innocent fantasies.”

The problem was, none of it was innocent. But I didn’t want to upset my mom or have her think less of me by telling her the full truth. So I nodded. “Thanks, Mom. I’m sorry if I ruined our shopping trip or put a damper on lunch. You’re right. I’m sure it’s just pre-wedding jitters.”

Luckily, I managed to not cry or break out in additional rashes for the rest of our lunch. But when we got off the elevator, I knew that was about to change.

Holdenwas pulling his apartment door shut.

My mom knew me so well, and she would be able to read what was going on in my head just from the way I looked at Holden. Yet there was no avoiding him. He turned, and Mom’s face lit up as she stepped off the elevator.

“Holden Catalano! How are you, honey?” She walked over and engulfed him in a big hug. She held onto his shoulders. “You look wonderful. Then again, you were always a handsome boy. How long has it been?”

Holden’s smile was genuine. “It’s been too long, Mrs. E. That’s how long it’s been.”

“It must be at least five years now?”

He shook his head. “I’m not sure how that’s possible since you look younger than you did last time I saw you.”

Mom waved him off, but I could tell she enjoyed the compliment. Holden had that certain je ne sais quoi that charmed women from eight to eighty.

“Where are you running off to?” Mom asked. “I want to hear all about what’s going on with you.”

Holden pointed his eyes down to the toolbox I hadn’t noticed in his hand. “I was just going up to the fourth floor to fix a garbage disposal. There’s a set of kids in one of our units who are giving me a taste of what I was probably like at thirteen. Those unruly little brats live to amuse themselves. I wouldn’t be surprised if I get up there and a frog jumps out of the disposal.”

“Oh my. Well, come in for a glass of wine first. I insist.”

Holden’s eyes flashed to me for approval. But it didn’t matter that I was trying to keep my distance from him if spending a few minutes together made my mom happy. So I smiled and nodded, and the three of us wound up spending the next half hour talking and finishing off a bottle of wine. Holden told Mom about his band and how he spent his days making repairs at the apartment building where he acted as the super, and Mom told him all about a month-long cruise she was planning for when my dad retired next year.

“Oh, that reminds me.” Mom pointed toward the bathroom. “Since you’re the maintenance man, there’s a leak in Laney’s shower. It’s coming from the faucet. I heard the drip when I was in there earlier, so I took a peek. The tiles underneath are starting to come loose from it, too.”

“Mom, we already made Holden late for one repair, and now you want to give him a new job? He’s already fixed so much around here, and they’re letting me stay for free.”

Holden put his hands up. “It’s fine. I’d actually rather know when the problem starts, rather than waiting for it to grow into something bigger. A little leaky faucet is easier to fix than retiling an entire shower.”

“Well, there’s no rush in getting to it,” I said.

“I have some time tomorrow. Will you be home?”

I shook my head. “No, I have a lot to do at work, so I probably won’t be around much on Sunday.”

“Alright. Well, if you don’t mind, I’ll work on it then. That way I can fix the loose tiles after I fix the leak, and they’ll have time to set before you need to get in there again.”

“Sure. Whatever works best for you.”

Holden nodded and slapped his hands on his thighs. “Tomorrow then. But right now, I need to get upstairs before the tenants who aren’t so easy burn the place down.” He stood. “It’s really nice to see you, Mrs. E. Tell Mr. E I said hello.”

Mom stood. “I will.”

I walked Holden to the door, while Mom went into the bathroom.

“It’s really good to see her,” he said. “I don’t remember you mentioning she was coming. Was it a last-minute trip?”

I nodded. “She surprised me this morning. I had no idea until she knocked on the door.”

“It’s not your birthday, is it? That’s in December, right?”

“No, it’s not my birthday.” I hesitated, but it felt weird not saying more. “She made me an appointment at a bridal-dress store that’s hard to get an appointment with. That’s where we were coming back from.”

Holden’s face fell. “Wedding dresses…”

I nodded.

“Did you buy one?”

“No. Nothing felt right.”

Holden looked back and forth between my eyes. For a second I thought he was going to say something, but then he looked away. “I gotta run. See you around, Lala.”

I shut the door feeling terrible, even though I had no reason to. After trying to collect my thoughts for a moment, I found my mother in the kitchen, opening another bottle of wine.

“More? When did you become a day drinker, Mom? Not that I’m complaining. I never do this.”

“I figured you might need another glass while we talk.”

My brows dipped together. “Talk about what?”

Mom’s back was to me as she pulled the cork out with a loud pop! She refilled both our wine glasses before turning and holding one out to me.

She sipped. “While we talk about how long your feelings for Holden have been back, and what you’re going to do about the fantasies you’ve been having about him.”

***

The next morning, I bolted upright in a cold sweat, completely out of breath.

Holy shit. I glanced next to me at the bed. Of course it was empty, but it still took me a couple of seconds to accept that my dream had only been a dream, and I hadn’t actually been riding Holden.

Oh my. That was the most vivid dream of my life.

The way he’d had my ponytail wrapped around his fist and yanked my head back.

The way he’d topped from the bottom, telling me to ride him harder. Faster. Take my cock.

I reached back and touched my ponytail. Goose bumps ran up my arms as I thought about how passionately we’d gone at it. Things were certainly not that intense with Warren—not by a mile. It completely freaked me out that my fantasy of being with Holden was better than the real thing with my fiancé, so I got up to splash some cold water on my face. When that didn’t work, I decided to take a long shower.

I was still pretty worked up even after drying my hair and getting dressed. But I was determined to get myself in the right headspace. So I made a resolution to focus on the things I should be focusing on for the rest of the day, namely my fiancé and my work.

First, I went back to the bridal salon Mom and I had gone to yesterday. I didn’t have an appointment, but the salesperson who’d helped us yesterday was there, and she helped me place an order for the dress I’d liked most. After, I needed to go into work for a while, but my head was still not fully where it needed to be, so I went back to the apartment to do something I’d never done before. During the train ride, I’d decided the only way to get Holden out of my head was to replace him with Warren. There was absolutely no reason I couldn’t get off to my fiancé. In fact, maybe part of the problem was that while I was taking the initiative to spend time with Holden, I hadn’t been taking any initiative with Warren. So I walked straight to my bedroom with my cell to my ear, determined to be more creative.

“Hi.”

“Hello, my love. This is a nice surprise. I didn’t expect to hear from you until tonight.”

“Well, I’m sort of…needy…and I thought maybe you could help me take care of that need.”

“Oh? What is it that you need?”

I sighed. God, he didn’t take a hint too well. “I need…an orgasm, Warren.”

“An orgasm?”

“Yes, I was thinking maybe we could…you know, have phone sex.”

He was quiet for a few heartbeats too long. “I’m not sure how good at that I’ll be. I’m not even very good at Zoom calls for work, Laney. What were you thinking this would entail, because I have a haircut appointment in forty-five minutes.”

Oh my God.I was sooo frustrated. “Warren, fuck your haircut. I need you.”

“Okay, okay. You don’t have to get so angry about it. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

What I want you to do is not need to be told what to do. “I don’t know…maybe talk dirty to me? I’m going to take off my pants and put my hand in my underwear, and you tell me what you would do to me if we were together.”

“Should I remove my trousers as well?”

“I don’t know! Do whatever you think, Warren!”

“Okay, okay. I’ll leave them on.”

“Great.” I unbuttoned my jeans, pushed them down my legs and stepped out. “I’m going to put you on speaker so I can use both hands.”

“Okay.”

I hated that he sounded so wary. Nonetheless, I got into bed, hit the speakerphone button and closed my eyes as I slipped my hand into my panties.

“I’m ready. Tell me what you’d do to me if you were here.”

“Okay, well, I’d kiss you first.”

I ran my fingers up and down my center. “Okay, then what?”

“Then I’d kiss your breasts.”

“Okay…”

“Then I guess I’d probably touch you between your legs. Rub you.”

Finally. “Go on...”

“Next, I’d insert a digit inside you.”

My eyes flashed open. “A digit, Warren? Really? Can’t you use a sexier word?”

“What would you like me to use?”

“Finger, Warren. Finger fuck me.”

“Okay. Well, I’d stick one finger in and move it around a bit. Then I’d add a second one. Before we go any further though, what word would you like me to use for the male genitalia? There are so many choices there.”

Grrrr.This was a bad idea. “You know what, Warren. I’m not really in the mood after all. Why don’t you get ready for your haircut.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I was just…trying to have a little fun. But I shouldn’t have sprung it on you like that.”

“Well, if you’d like, I can work on some things I might say to better prepare for next time. Maybe we can schedule a call for one evening this week, so I have time to get ready.”

I smiled sadly. “Yeah, sure. Sorry if this was weird.”

“I’ll call you later?”

“Yep. Have a good day.”

After we hung up, I still had pent-up frustration. So rather than get dressed, I slipped my hand back inside my panties, closed my eyes, and began to rub my clit. Sadly, the silence was better than Warren’s version of dirty talk. After a few minutes, I found my rhythm, and my mind started to drift back to the hot dream I’d had about Holden last night. Rather than fight it anymore, I pushed my fingers inside myself and let my imagination take over. It felt good. Really good, even. Riding Holden. Oh yeah. Harder. That’s it… I was sooo close. Until…

Someone knocked.

And not on my front door.

On my bedroom door!

“Lala? Are you in there?”

Holden.

My eyes flared wide, and I froze.

Oh my freaking God!

Locked in fear, I stayed quiet.

“Lala?” Knock. Knock. “Are you in here?”

My heart pounded as I held my breath, waiting for him to walk away.

After thirty seconds of silence, I thought he might’ve…until the doorknob started to turn.

Oh shit!I jumped up on the bed and dove at the door as it opened. It worked. The door slammed shut. Only Holden’s fingers were still inside.

“Fuck!” he screamed.

“Oh my God!” I yanked the door open. “Holden, are you okay?”

His other hand grabbed the fingers that had been stuck in the door. “What the hell, Lala?”

“I’m sorry! I wasn’t dressed and I…I screwed up.”

Holden’s fingers were already swelling and turning purple.

“Go put ice on them. I’ll be right there.”

I frantically dressed and met Holden in the kitchen, where he sat with a bag of frozen broccoli against his hand.

“Do you think they’re broken? Should we go to the hospital?”

Holden flexed his fingers with a wince. “They’ll be fine. I can move ’em. They’re just throbbing.”

“I feel awful. I had no idea you were in the apartment.”

“I told you I was going to come fix the shower today. You didn’t hear my music?”

“I did, but I assumed it was coming through the wall. I hear your music a lot.”

My heart continued racing out of control as the last few minutes sank in—though my horror was now less about getting caught and more about what Holden might’ve heard.

“How long were you here for?” I asked hesitantly.

Holden looked up and our eyes caught. “Are you asking me if I heard your conversation?”

My face heated. “Oh God… This has to be the most embarrassing day of my life.”

“I’m sorry I overheard. Once I realized what was going down, I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I didn’t want to walk out in the middle of it and have you see me and make it even worse. When it got quiet, I tried to sneak out, but then I heard what I thought was crying coming from your room.”

I closed my eyes. “I wasn’t crying… I was…you know.”

Holden nodded. “Yeah, I get that now.”

I shook my head and sighed. “You must think I’m such an idiot.”

“No, Lala. I don’t think you’re an idiot at all. I think a woman who’s in the mood and tells a man what she wants is one of the sexiest fucking things in the world. Warren, on the other hand, is the biggest idiot I know. For a guy who might be able to cure cancer, he hasn’t figured out some basic shit. Like if you don’t give your woman what she needs, there’s always someone else willing to.”

My eyes caught with Holden’s again. His were now filled with so much intensity that goose bumps prickled down my arms. It wasn’t lost on me that this was the way I’d woken up from my dream, too. It felt like my fantasies and reality were starting to blur. Desire had my lips parting, though thankfully, it also seemed to paralyze me and keep me from jumping into the man’s arms.

“Holden…” I whispered.

He swallowed, then stood. “Lock the door behind me. The top lock. I can’t be trusted.”

“Where are you going?”

“To take care of something.”

Before I could ask any other questions, Holden stalked toward the door. He slammed it shut behind him and left me sitting with a crush of emotions. I had no idea what to do with myself.

Then my phone rang from the bedroom. Feeling lost, I walked to it and found Holden’s name flashing.

“Hello?”

“Did you lock the door?” His voice was deep and throaty.

“Not yet.”

“Go do it.”

I didn’t think it was really necessary, yet I did as he asked anyway. Sliding the chain across the top, I nodded, though he clearly couldn’t see me. “It’s locked.”

“Now put the phone on speaker and go back into your bedroom.”

“Why?”

“Just do it, sweetheart.”

I walked back to my room on autopilot. “Okay, I’m in here.”

“Good. Now take your pants off.”

I froze. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? “Holden, I…I’m not sure…”

“Get on the bed, Lala. Get your sexy ass on the damn bed now, or I’m coming over there and we’re going to get you off in a very different way.”

“But…”

“Quiet. I don’t want to hear another word. Unless you’re telling me yes or moaning my name, not another word, babe.”

Oh, God. Why did I like the way he was talking to me so much?

“Now get your ass on the bed, and tell me you’re there by saying yes.”

I couldn’t believe I was doing this, even as I climbed onto the bed. My voice was barely a whisper. “Yes.”

“Now slip your hand into those pretty little panties I know you have on.”

I did.

“Put your middle finger over that swollen bud of yours.” Holden groaned. “God, you’re so fucking sexy. I want to lick your pussy so bad. You’re going to rub yourself while I tell you everything I would do to you if I ever had the chance.”

I closed my eyes and started to rub my clit.

“I’m going to tie you up and lick you until you’re begging for my cock.”

A shiver ran through me. God, I’ll beg now if you’ll give it to me.

“I bet your pussy is so hot and tight. I want to lick you until you’re trembling and make you come all over my face. I’m going to swallow every last drop of your sweetness.”

Oh fuck.I parted my flesh and began to shamelessly finger myself.

“When you’re good and wet, I’ll still keep you tied up. I’ll climb up your body and feed you my cock. I’m going to hold your face between my hands and not give you any choice in the way you take it, fucking your mouth and your throat like I own them. You’ll gag a little, but you’ll love every minute of it.”

My fingers moved in and out faster, and my breath seemed to chase their speed. I didn’t say a word, yet Holden seemed to know exactly where I was.

“That’s it. Faster.” His voice was so gravelly and strained. “Pretend it’s my cock, baby. I’m inside you, and you’re so tight and wet. You’re squeezing me like a vise, and I can barely hold on. I’m going to explode and fill that beautiful pussy with my hot cum.”

My orgasm brewed like a storm, everything swirling around and sucking me into the vortex where I had no control over anything.

“Come, sweetheart. Give it all to me.”

I climaxed almost violently, my body writhing on the bed as I moaned. It was the single best orgasm I’d ever had, and I panted to catch my breath. For a minute, I almost forgot I wasn’t alone.

“Holden…” I whispered.

He took a few seconds to respond. “Yeah, babe?”

“Thank you.”

I heard the smile in his voice. “Anytime, beautiful. I’m going to hang up now. Stay in bed and relax for a while, okay?”

“Okay.”

After we disconnected, I expected the reality of what I’d just done to seep in. I’d just let another man get me off, so guilt would surely consume my thoughts. Yet the only thing I could think was…

If phone sex was that good with Holden, holy shit…what would the real thing be like?