24. Carson

"Now this is how you should spend Christmas," I say, settling my head on Brayden's chest. Both of us are still naked and totally cum drunk. Goddamn, he tastes good. I can't help myself when I'm around him.

We've been here on vacation for a month now, and I gotta tell you, if I could get away with it, I'd move here and never leave. Of course, I'd have to build a racetrack here because I'm starting to get a little twitchy, missing it, but still.

Being here in Brayden's strong arms is really enough for me.

Which is a little scary. I'm young. I know that. But some people find the person they want to spend their lives with at this age all the time. I'm just one of the lucky ones.

"You don't miss a white Christmas?" He sounds genuinely interested in my answer, not judging me in any way.

"I don't. Not at all. I never wanted snow, not even on Christmas." He chuckles. "Do you?"

He shrugs. "My mom wasn't thrilled I wasn't coming home this year, but I think she'll get over it, and no, I don't miss the snow. I'm happy right here."

I grin. I met his mom once or twice at races. She's nice, but kind of stern. She wasn't thrilled about our fake bromance. Maybe she knows. "Does your mom know you're bi?" I blurt out and curse my lack of filter.

He just strokes through my hair, and a laugh rumbles from his chest. "Yeah. She does. I think she knew before I did. She's not an asshole though. Doesn't bother her."

"Good," I say firmly.

"What about your parents?"

I shrug, not really wanting to talk about this, but hoping I can play it off. I can feel Brayden's body go tense, and yup, here we go. He's in full-on protective mode now. "They're fine. They just don't ever want to talk about it. They don't ask me about my dating life. They're really big into their church back home." I try to say it casually like it doesn't rip my heart out, thinking about it.

My mom shushing me any time I'd bring it up. Wanting her approval, even though I know I shouldn't.

"So they're fine with it, but they don't want you to talk about it?" I hear the anger in his voice.

"Yeah. It's fine," I try.

"No. It's not," he says firmly, and damn him.

I huff out a sigh. "No, it's not, but it's strange. They're my family. I don't want to just tell them to fuck off, you know? But I also don't want to be around them if I can't be me. It's a mindfuck."

He hugs me to him. "I love you."

Holy shit. Did he just say what I think he just said?I think he broke my brain because I can't seem to move, and I for sure can't get a word out of my mouth. Maybe I heard him wrong.

There's no way he just said that to me.

I'm freaking the fuck out because I want him to have said that. I want him to love me the way I love him. I'm so desperately in love with him.

"Carson?" He sounds worried. Say something, you dumbass.

But I'm just blank. My brain totally offline. What if he didn't say that? What if he doesn't mean it if he did say it?

Does it really matter?

Does it change anything for me?

No. I realize it doesn't because that's how I feel. I look at him, rolling my body so I can look into his eyes. "I love you too."

A whoosh of air leaves his lungs, and he hugs me tight. "Jesus, fuck. Are you trying to kill me?" He chuckles fondly and kisses me softly. "Always keeping me on my toes."

"So you did say it?" I ask dumbly, still unable to believe it.

He cocks his head to the side, studying me, and then sighs, shaking his head at me. "Of course I did. I'm so far in love with you, Carson. I'm..." He looks unsure for a moment but then determined. "I'm happy with you."

"I'm happy with you too," I say honestly. I grin. "Who'd have thought you'd fall in love with me? The little impatient shithead who drove you crazy."

He kisses me hard and then laughs. "You still drive me fucking crazy. And you are impatient."

I frown, my eyes narrowing. "I'm getting better."

"No doubt," he says easily, pulling me back down so I'm snuggled into his side where I really love to be.

"Does it bother you that I'm not out yet?" I have to ask, my chest tight with fear. How long can I really expect him to go on like this? He's a grown man. I'm sure he's ready to settle down.

Maybe even start a family. Even though we haven't talked about that yet, I'd totally be cool with a couple of kids running around.

"It bothers me that I know you can't," he says, placating me and brushing his hand down my spine.

"I could," I say defiantly, even though the thought of it terrifies me.

"No." I can feel his eyes on the top of my head, but I don't look at him. "You can't, and we both know it. Miles is an asshole." He confirms what I already knew.

If I come out, I'll lose my spot on the team. They'll make something up, not able to say it's because I'm gay. And even if I sued or made a big deal about it, my career would likely be over.

We both know it, and we both don't talk about it.

"I'm sorry," I say honestly. I hate this. I want to claim him as mine. I need to claim him as mine, but I can't.

I'm so damn in love with him, and I can't tell anyone.

It's not fair.

"Hey," he says softly, brushing his hand over my hip and holding me close. "We're going to figure this out. We have time."

"Do we?" I ask bitterly. I can't help it. I hate when he's so calm when I want to be irrational, damn it.

"Yes," he says easily. Damn. Him. "We do. I'm not going anywhere, Carson."

I bite my bottom lip, pleading with myself to not say what I'm thinking, but of course I do. "Eventually, you're going to want more. You deserve more. You shouldn't have to hide. You're established. You've worked hard. If anyone deserves to be living his truth, it's you."

"My truth lies with you, Carson. Nothing else matters to me."

"I believe you," I say honestly, and I do. I can feel his love, and I know he'll sacrifice his happiness for mine. But it makes me angry because he shouldn't have to.

I know it'll get old eventually. He's only human. I'm sick of it already.

"I love you," he whispers in my ear.

It just isn't fair.