34. You Promised

34

YOU PROMISED

LOVE ME TIL’ YOU LEAVE ME, GAVN!

Manny

This trip is coming to an end and I can feel the ominous decisions looming over us. Do I let her go? Do I keep my end of the deal and take Cara home, or do I tell her how I feel and hope she feels the same? I know she likes spending time with me but would that ever be enough for someone like her? Do I help her shine brighter like she deserves or will I dim her light when everything is said and done?

We were only five hours away from her house this morning but I took us down the back roads and up through a little town a couple of hours away from Baker where they have a fair. We’ve been here all afternoon, eating too much greasy food and riding all these carnival rides while the ticking time bomb follows us around, threatening to detonate at any point.

The fairgrounds’ atmosphere buzzes around us—music, children’s laughter and machines announcing winners everywhere. Even though the bright lights twinkle above, and the air is thick with the scent of cotton candy and fried dough, I can’t seem to find the joy in this moment. It’s hard to feel anything but dread, with a knot in my stomach thinking about Cara and leaving her at her house tomorrow, never looking back. Like I didn’t just learn what love was and now I’m supposed to move on like it didn’t happen. Like I didn’t learn what is like to truly live and not just go through life.

I glance at Cara, her face is illuminated by the neon glow of the carnival rides and she turns to face me, opening her eyes wide and pointing in front of her. “Oh. My. God. Look at the puppies!” She laughs and pulls me by my hand, her hair catching the light and flowing in the air, both pulling at my heartstrings with excitement and making my heart ache. I want to capture this moment and etch it into my memory forever, make it into a bracelet moment. Deep down, I know time is slipping away. Every second, every moment feels like a damn countdown. One laugh and I’m taken back to the day she set the rules. One look into her eyes reminds me of the inevitable. She wants this to end tonight and I don’t know how to fix it.

We weave through the crowd until we make it to the pen full of puppies with a sign that says, ‘Ready for a furever home.’ She asks the worker if we can play with them and when she nods, Cara opens the pen and lets us in.

“Hi puppies,” I say, holding out my hands to all the golden, brown, and black puppies. When they start swarming around me, I drop to the cold dusty ground. They crawl on my lap, reminding me how much I love dogs and how I’ve always wanted one.

“I knew you liked dogs after seeing you pet one everywhere we go, but I didn’t know that it was a sit-on-the-ground, let-them-lick-your-face kind of love,” Cara explains, picking a puppy of her own and snuggling it close to her face, never dropping her eyes from mine.

“I’ve always wanted a dog but moving all my life didn’t let it happen.”

“What about now?”

“Now? I don’t have the lifestyle I need to have a happy dog. I don’t want a dog that won’t see me ever or that will only get me for two hours at night.” I see there’s a line of kids waiting to enter the pen so I get up and offer my hand to Cara to help her up.

“Thank you,” I say to the girl waiting by the gate as we walk out and past the kids. We fall into an easy pattern, walking slowly toward the Ferris wheel. She tucks her hand into mine, intertwining her fingers and laying her head on my shoulder.

“Maybe now that you’ve taken a break from work… you could consider scaling back?” she asks.

If you’ll have me, I’ll take all the time, I want to reply, but I don’t. I just nod and walk us through the line waiting at the bottom of the Ferris wheel.

“Are you going back to work tomorrow?” she asks, stepping through the gate and waiting for me to hand our tickets to the worker. We get into one of the baskets, sitting next to each other, and I pull her under my arm.

“No, not tomorrow, but after that I will. I don’t think I’ll keep working the crazy hours I was, though. I don’t think that would fulfill me anymore, Cara.” I bring my hand to her face and pull her hands on my other one.

Her eyes sparkle when she looks at me as we ascend slowly, allowing time for other people to sit in the baskets below us. “What would fulfill you, Manny?” I don’t know if she asked that question knowingly. Can she see the turmoil in my eyes? The love? Can she see that I would live these three weeks ten times over if it meant I get to spend more time with her? Just with her. “We spent so much time talking on this trip about me and so little about you, other than seeing how happy you seemed. What would make you happy?” She grabs my baseball cap, flipping it backward and gives me a quick kiss.

It’s now or never. I’ve asked her over and over not to hide from me and now it’s my turn to do the same and tell her how I feel. “You,” I whisper against her lips.

“I—what?” she asks with confusion in her eyes. The light of the sunset reflects off her beautiful green eyes and I don’t know if it’s the yellow dress she’s wearing today, reminding me of the pure sunshine she is, or the fact she’s so close to home she can taste it but her eyes are so light today. Instead of deep green pools of emotions, today they feel like soft feathers flying in the air. Light. Airy. Safe.

“You would make me happy, Cara. You do, actually. Not only you being with me, but who I am when I’m with you. You’ve shown me so much in these three weeks. So much more than I’ve learned in my entire life. I’m a better person because of you and honestly I want that for more than just these three weeks.”

“Manny,” she whispers, closing her eyes.

“No, no, let me finish. You showed me how to enjoy and appreciate every moment, every hour, every minute, of every day and I want that for longer. I also want all your moments. I want to spend so many moments with you and turn them into memories together. I want to wake up next to you and cuddle under the stars. I want to hear how many names for street signs you have and how long you can dance before falling asleep in my arms. I want to spend more time getting to know you like nobody has ever known you before. I want to spend time showing you how easy it is to make you my priority. I just need you to let me.”

Two silent tears drop over her cheeks and her eyes find mine. “I know I don’t deserve you. I know I don’t deserve the moments you collect like these bracelets on your arm but let me show you I can earn them. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make more memories with you, Cara. If you let me.” I mean that with everything I have. Turning moments into memories with her might be the only purpose I have left in life. I want them all and I want them all with her.

The minutes pass and she stays quiet; speechless in a way I’ve never seen her before. Silent tears keep rolling and her skin turns blotchy as the sounds of the fair fade into the background. We start the descent and she still hasn’t said a word. If there’s anything that I’ve learned about Cara through the years is that she rather stay silent than say something that would be hurtful. She’s making the silence the answer I need. She doesn’t feel the same.

“Please say something, Carita.”

She tenses in front of me as my words hang soundlessly between us. I wanted to wait until the perfect moment to tell her how I feel, but there was never going to be a good moment if she didn't feel the same.

“I’m flattered, Manny, I am. You know how much I care about you and this trip was more than I could ever imagine.” Cara brings her hands to her eyes and wipes the tears off her face.

“I care about you too,” I reply.

“I had no expectations on these three weeks, Manny, but if I did, you would’ve surpassed them all. I forgot how happy I could be just doing the things that fill my cup and you gave me that back.”

“But…” I add because I can feel it coming and I want her to know that whatever it is she can trust me. Even if it breaks me in the process.

“I don’t know that I actually make you happy, Manny. Three weeks is not enough time to turn your life upside down to follow a girl just because you think she brings you joy,” she says, completely serious and turning her knees away from me. She’s putting a barrier up with her words and her body, hitting me with a harder blow.

“But you do, Cara. I’ve always been happier around you, my whole life actually. All my damn life and now that I had you in my arms, now that I know exactly what my life feels with you in it, I don’t know that I could ever go back.”

“I hear you, Manny, and I agree to an extent. I just think a lot played into the happiness we both felt these three weeks. Outdoor time, time away from work and the rest of the people who may bring us problems. You haven’t taken a vacation in years and your brain is probably high on dopamine from not being stressed out all the time. And yeah, I’m sure hormones played a big part and the whole forced proximity thing. But tomorrow… tomorrow when we go back to reality, you’ll go back to your corporate life and I’ll be trying to rebuild my life.”

I lean against the cool metal railing, the air warm against our skin. “And I don’t fit in that plan,” I answer flatly, rubbing my chin, trying to ground myself amidst the storm brewing in my chest.

“What are you saying, Manny? Are you saying you’ll quit your job and move to Baker Oaks and go on hikes with me after I get home from school?” Her voice is sharp, piercing through me and leaving me hollower with each word.

“No, Cara, that’s not what I’m saying.” My words hang in the air, heavy and unwieldy. Below us, the carnival lights flicker like fireflies trapped in glass jars. We’re suspended at the top, caught in the cycle of this conversation—one that spins around and around with no end.

“Exactly, Manny. I finally want to do something for myself.” She gazes out at the horizon, where the silhouette of the town is just a shadow against the darkening sky.

“I want to move to Baker and learn my new job and be around my friends. I want to be in the town I’ve loved all my life from afar, and for once I want to be happy.” Her voice cracks, the truth of her words echoing between us. You don’t make her happy, Manny . Once, maybe, but now that she remembers who she is, she doesn’t need me anymore.

I swallow hard as she says, “We said this was over when the trip was done, and now it is. You did promise me, though.”

“I promised you what, Cara?” The lump in my throat grows thicker, making it hard to breathe as I search her eyes for the answers I’m terrified to see.

“You promised you’d still be my friend at the end of this and you’re a man of your word, right? I don’t want to lose you, Manny.”

She doesn’t want to lose the happy-go-lucky, go-with-the-flow Manny. Her friend Manny. But that’s it. When I tell her that I want her in my life, then that’s not what she wants. I did promise her that and I am a man of my word. So even if I hate it, that’s what I’ll be. I’d rather be her friend and be in her life than be nothing at all. She wipes her tears under her eyes as she gives me a tentative half smile. She’s afraid I will say no. She’s afraid she’ll lose me and I rather lose myself than lose her.

“You’re right, Cara. I did promise to be your friend at the end of this, so that’s where we're leaving it now.” I pull her to me, kissing her on the forehead and swallowing those three words I’ve been dying to say all day.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers as the basket makes it back down, completing the ride and marking the end of our conversation. I was exactly what she needed, but now it’s over and I’m not in her plans anymore. Her perfectly curated bullet points don’t include me beyond tomorrow. Point taken. It’s funny, really. How something so simple, so innocent, can turn into something this heavy. Something I’ve carried with me every day without even realizing it—this longing, this wish that maybe, just maybe, before just wasn’t our time. That the years and the distance between us was just shaping us into who we are today and that I wasn’t too late in telling Cara how I feel. But the truth is, I’ve always been too late. I’ve watched her from the sidelines for so long that I’ve forgotten how much my heart desires her. And now that I finally crossed that line she doesn’t feel the same and there’s no point in stretching out longer. We had fun. She healed. And now we get to go our separate ways.

I will show Cara respect even if it means going against what I think is best for both of us. She spent twelve years in a relationship with someone who didn’t respect her or her wishes and I won’t be the one doing that to her. Even if it kills me. So I squeeze her shoulder as I step out of the basket, giving her my hand to help her come out. Guiding her out softly. I fall into a silent step next to her. There’s nothing else to say or do, so we might as well head home. I might as well drive her home.