35. Welcome Back

35

WELCOME BACK

BEFORE YOU GO, LEWIS CAPALDI

Cara

The Bestie: Ronnie’s tomorrow?

The Badass: Lord yes. I have to train first but then I can. 8:00am? Is that too early for you Cara?

Me: 8:00 works

adds The Sweetie to the conversation

Me: Hey Nats, want to have breakfast tomorrow? I’M BACK!

The Sweetie: I can! I’ll leave Bella with her grandparents. Ronnie’s?

Me: Yup, 8:00am

The Sweetie: you’re waking up early on purpose ?

I doubt I’ll even sleep, I think as the message comes through. We’re already in my neighborhood. We left the fairgrounds after the conversation and we’ve been in silence ever since. I opted to grab my phone and pretend I’m busy doing something because I don’t have it in me to continue talking to Manny. There were only so many words I could offer without telling him that I’m terrified of trying something more permanent with him just to not be enough or be able to compete against his job.

The music is playing softly in the background as Manny drives up my parents’ long entry road. If there’s something I love about living in Baker, it’s how every home has so much land before you even get to the actual house. My parents’ cars are in the driveway but no sight of Nellie’s. I was hoping she would be back home by now, but it looks like it’s just them and me tonight.

It’s already almost 11:00pm so I doubt they’re awake, and if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want to talk to them tonight. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to lay my head on my pillow. Laying my body on the bed that has held me through so much, that has supported me as I cry myself to sleep more nights that I can count. The bed that has been there since I was in high school because my parents refuse to turn my room into anything else. You’ll always have a place to call home they say, so they keep both of our rooms intact for us to crash into whenever we want.

“This is me,” I murmur like a damn idiot. Manny has the address on GPS so of course he knows that. We agreed he’ll take the van with him tonight and we’ll figure out tomorrow how I can pick it up. He’s staying the night at his Jacksonville condo so at least it’s not too far away.

He parks, walking to my side of the door and opening it for me. Helping me to get out, he then leans in to grab my bags from the backseat. We walk in silence to the door, the week and the whole Ferris wheel conversation hanging between us. My heart is on my throat and the words “stay with me” are right on the tip of my tongue but I don’t think it’s fair to either of us.

He places the bag next to the wooden door. “Thank you for everything, Manny,” I offer quietly. “This trip was truly the highlight of my year.” Of my life, I want to say but I don't. I bring my hand to his arm and squeeze it gently, his muscles tightening under my touch.

“No need to thank me, I was happy to do it, Cara.” Cara . Manny stopped calling me Carita the minute I told him I thought he was wrong and I truly didn’t make him happy. What if you do, Cara? What if you are exactly what he needs and he is what you need?

“Talk to you tomorrow?” I won’t ask any more questions; I won’t admit to him I think I want more. I won’t tell him because I know for a fact there’s no good way out of this. He would want me until he’s busy with work again and then he won’t need me anymore and I can’t do that again. I can’t go through this again.

“Yup, sounds about right. Good night, Cara.” Manny brings his face down, kisses me on the cheek and walks away from me. I open the door, step through it and slide myself down to the floor. Letting all the tears I’ve been holding for what feels like a year all at once.

It’s funny how Manny called me sunshine for three weeks straight, because right now I feel like the complete opposite of that. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of the cliff watching the storm form on the horizon. But instead of the storm being far away, the storm is reflecting my heart. My sorrows. It’s brewing deep within me.

All night I couldn’t sleep. My chest tightening around my heart and my lungs making me feel like I couldn’t breathe. The pit of my stomach in knots telling me that I’m wrong. Telling me that I made the wrong call. How could I have made the wrong choice when my heart was already breaking at his words—and that’s without giving it the chance to wither even more? Without giving it the chance to grow more attached and to connect with him even more. Eventually he would get tired of this small town life. I don’t belong in his perfectly curated world; at least this way, I can mourn what I wish I would have and not what once was. There’s no surviving losing Manny so at least this way I get to keep him as a friend, without fucking it all up by trying to make a relationship work. I know I’m enough, I know that. I know that Cole wasn’t really it for me or for anyone for that matter. I know that the years he made me feel like I was a shit show and not good enough for him were just a reflection on him; I know that my relationship with him doesn’t dictate the way the rest of my relationships will go in life. But I need to take time to do the things I want to do without worrying whether my partner wants to do the same too.

Even though this feeling of despair is not dissipating by any means, I’m sure it’ll go away once I shower, eat something, and see my girls. Maybe it’s just the crash after spending three weeks filled with adrenaline or the exhaustion of it all. But either way, something’s gotta give.

I’m fully expecting my van keys not to be on top of the granite countertop in the kitchen, where the rest of the keys lay, so I take a step back when I see them there. My bright pink cowgirl hat keychain attached to my keys lies on top of a note. I grab the keys and read the note, immediately letting out a sigh because I think I broke Manny’s heart. If I actually did, I will never forgive myself. The thing is, how do I let him down gently when I’m trying to protect my heart too? How do I prioritize his when I know how much it hurts being replaced by someone more accessible? I refuse to go back to the spot I was, thinking I was worthless and useless because I wasn’t enough for a piece of shit of a man. But Manny is nothing like him, the little voice of reason echoes in my head. Deep down I know it’s right but I just can’t risk it. Not right now.

Cara,

I know I was supposed to come back tomorrow to return the keys and the bus but I decided to just call a car instead. I got my things out of there so it’s ready for you to take on new adventures. I hope I didn’t leave any trace of me being there but if I did, just toss it away. I have a lot of work to catch up on this week so if you don’t hear from me, that’s why.

Welcome back home, Cara. I hope you get everything your heart desires and I hope Baker brings as much light as you brought into my life these past three weeks.

Don’t let other’s shadows cast over your light but don’t let yourself dim your own flame either. You are the sun, Cara. Never forget.

Love,

M.

I wipe away the tears that were threatening once I saw the note but that quickly were unable to be held back at his tender words. How did I manage to spend three weeks with Manny and somehow it feels like it was both longer but also not enough? He opened his heart to me. He let me in. He let me see him and I did the same; but is that enough for us to mess everything up and try to make this work? He needs more and I’m not in the position to do it. I’m not in the position of dropping everything and becoming the type of girlfriend he needs. Fancy and put together and a good representation of his brand everywhere. One thing’s for sure; whoever he decides to share his life with will be the luckiest girl in the world. I just need to be brave enough to be able to offer him the one thing I asked from him: friendship.

Three Weeks Later

Being back home has been every bit of the dream I thought it would be. Breakfast at Ronnie’s, coffee with my mom, daily walks with Allie, drinking with Roe, hanging out at Natalie’s shop’s couch while I blabber nonstop about random shit, and so much more. It feels so good to be back, except something’s missing.

I feel like part of me is not really here but rather stuck on the road trip. Stuck in those three weeks of bliss. I haven’t talked to Manny much, just quick text messages here or there. I’m sure he’s busy with work but I miss him. I don’t know how many times I’ve written and deleted those words in text to him, because what am I supposed to say—“Hey does that offer to see where this thing goes stands? Do you still think you could be happy with me?”

Allie had sent out some frantic SOS text, so I just got to her house to see what the hell is going on. If she tells me she’s pregnant, I’m going to be very happy but also, give a girl a call and stop with the SOS texts. I walk in, not bothering ringing the doorbell. I look around and although I don’t see Allie, Roe and Natalie are both here.

“I’m sorry, Cara, but you look like absolute shit,” Roe confesses.

"What are you sorry about? That you’re telling me I look like shit, or because I actually do?" I snap, my voice sharper than I mean it to be. Without waiting for an answer, I collapse onto Allie’s couch, the cushions sinking beneath me like they’re trying to swallow me whole.

"Both? Either? What’s going on?"

“Nothing is going on other than me being tired. What if I told you that you looked like shit, huh?” Roe huffs and I roll my eyes, taking a deep breath. It’s the same question I’ve been hearing over and over, and it’s wearing me down, piece by piece. I’m happy, I truly am. I love my life here. Is something missing? Yes. Is that something Manny? Maybe.

"I’m fine," I reiterate, but it feels like a lie in my mouth. "Just... tired. The move here’s been more than I thought."

It’s the same line I’ve been repeating to everyone, including myself when I catch a quick glimpse of my smile not reaching my eyes or my eyes roaming, wondering if Manny is thinking about me or if he’s lost in work again.

I know it’s not just the move. It's everything—the house I’ve been obsessing over, the one that should feel like a fresh start? It feels right but when I keep looking at it, it just seems emptier than it is. It feels quiet and eerie. I can’t even pinpoint why. So I just keep avoiding it, keep putting off making an offer even though that is literally the house of my dreams.

Natalie’s gaze is soft but heavy with concern. "Cara, we’re just worried. You haven’t been yourself. You’ve been... pulling away." Her words hang in the air between us, a sharp ache.

I hold up my hands, palms out, like I can ward them off. "Nothing’s wrong. Really. I’m just... tired. Can we please stop talking about it?" The words tumble out sour in my mouth at the lie I keep repeating.

Natalie’s eyes are soft but relentless. “We’re not gonna stop asking, Cara. Not until you talk to us. We’re your friends. We know you’re struggling. We know you, we see it. Do you even know? Do you even know you’re not happy?”

I bite down on my lip to keep from saying something I’ll regret. I don’t want to be seen. I want to keep pretending everything is fine and nothing is missing until that becomes a reality.

Before I can say anything, Allie walks out of her bedroom, looking both annoyed and determined. She sits next to me with a sigh, her eyes locking onto mine with that look—the one she always gives when she’s about to say something she knows I won’t want to hear.

“You’re not fine. We all know it and we’re done beating around the bush. Today, we’re talking about you and Manny because you two idiots can’t get it together on your own.”

The room falls into a heavy silence. The air feels thick with unspoken things, and for the first time, I’m not sure I can hide behind my tired excuses anymore.

“What?” I ask.

"Don’t even try to hide it, Cara," Allie demands, her voice cutting through the tension in the room like a knife. She doesn’t wait for me to reply, her eyes already narrowed, like she’s been holding this in for far too long.

"When you came back into town, I was hoping you’d tell me the truth—any version of it, since you already talked about it in Nashville leaving me out of it completely. I’m not an idiot, and I’m not blind. I saw it, okay? And then at the wedding, I told my stupid brother to finally tell you how he felt. So imagine my surprise when you came back, and we went to breakfast, and you looked even more heartbroken than when I left you in Chicago almost a year ago. You didn’t say a word, not a single thing. And that’s when I knew something was off. The minute we left the restaurant, I called Manny. He didn’t answer, so I put two and two together."

My stomach lurches. I stare at her, wide-eyed, as if the words are still circling around my brain, trying to find their place. I knew Roe and Natalie had figured out what happened with the fling, but this? This is something else entirely. Allie knew everything ? How had I not seen that coming?

"What the hell, Allie?" I manage to choke out, the shock in my voice louder than I want it to be.

She doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t back down. She leans forward, her eyes hazel eyes hard but still kind. "No, Cara. You don’t get to ‘what the hell’ me. Listen up." Her words are slow, deliberate, like she’s making sure they land where they need to. "For the past three weeks, I’ve watched you—this version of you. You pretend you’re fine, you wake up and you go places with your fake smile on your face that I think even you believe, when in reality you’re heartbroken. You’ve been sad—and I mean really sad. A kind of sadness that’s deeper than I’ve ever seen in you. And if it was for a good reason—if you were hurting because of something real, something we could work with, we could deal. But you didn’t say anything. You just kept it to yourself. Have you even admitted to yourself you miss him?"

I feel the weight of her gaze like a physical pressure on my chest. She’s right—I have been sinking into something darker, something I don’t know how to explain. Something I can't seem to shake.

"You didn’t say anything. I gave you three weeks, Cara. We’re supposed to be best friends and you didn’t say anything about being in love with my brother and missing him. So I went to see Manny," she continues, her voice lowering just slightly, as if the next part of this story might be a little too much for even her to say. "And guess what I found? He’s just as bad off as you. Equally sad, maybe worse."

I blink, stunned. Manny? My Manny, the guy who always made me laugh, who had his flaws but somehow made me feel seen in a way no one else ever did. He has his job and his back into his life. Why would he be sad and why hasn’t he told me?

"What? Why?" My voice cracks on the question, and I hate how vulnerable I sound. But I can’t help it. I’m actually worried about him now. I’m worried about both of us, if I’m being honest. My stomach churns as I imagine him, sitting in some dark corner, just as lost as I feel. I need to know. I have to know.

But Allie just shakes her head, her jaw tight. "I don’t know yet, Cara. But something’s broken between the two of you, and I can’t keep watching you both fall apart like this." She rubs her temples, like the weight of it all is finally hitting her too. "You two need to figure it out. You need to talk."

The silence that falls between us is thick, suffocating almost. There’s no easy way to undo what’s been broken, no neat bow to tie around this mess. And now, knowing that Manny’s just as wrecked as I am? It feels like I’m standing at the edge of something, too scared to jump, but not sure I want to climb back up, either.

“Talk about what, Allie? We’re friends. We got closer on this trip, yes but he said he was going to message me when he was done with work. I’m sure he had a lot of catching up today now that he’s back but overall, he doesn’t owe me anything. And honestly, he’s back at work doing what he loves. And yeah, we haven’t talked as much as we did on the trip but that’s no reason for him to be desolate like you are implying. Why would he look miserable?”

“Because he loves you, you clueless, clueless girl! I’m pretty sure he has loved you all his life. Didn’t he tell you?”

I’m a better person because of you and honestly I want that for more than just these three weeks. The words that have been echoing in my mind for the past three weeks come out loud now, even clearer than before. You’d make me happy, Cara. You do. Was he trying to tell me that he loved me? Was he trying to tell me more than what I let him say? I know I interrupted him and I’ve been playing that interaction in my mind every night all this time. But I’ve considered that sharing while with words may be hard for him, he did spend weeks showing me I was priority for him, and I just didn’t listen.

“He told me he cared about me, not that he loved me.”

“I’m pretty sure what he said was that he wanted more than three weeks with you and that he was ready to wake up next to you every day, or am I wrong?” Allie asks.

“Allie,” I whisper.

“Am. I. Wrong?” she asks again. Allie found her backbone for sure.

“Well shit, remind me to never pissed Allie off,” Roe chimes from her spot on the chair and Natalie just laughs at that.

I shake my head and Allie continues. “I know I’m not wrong because I have asked him to repeat to me what happened over and over again. I have begged him to call you and tell you—to show up, to beg, to do something—but all he says is that your choices were not respected once and he refuses to be that person. He said that he’d rather be your friend than nothing at all and Cara, you don’t think that’s love? ”

“Fuck, I don’t know,” I add, bringing my hands to my face. “I clearly don’t know the first thing about love. I don’t know the first thing about lust versus love. Caring versus friendship. He told me I made him happy but he’s always happy you know? How am I supposed to believe all of those feelings were love? How do I know?”

“You do know, babe,” Roe adds. “You know love is not supposed to hurt. You know love is friendship. Love is companionship. Love is finding yourself while you’re learning to love someone else, while you’re learning to share your ups and downs with someone else. You know that love is not selfish and that love is patient right?”

Her words settle over me, warm but heavy, and I feel a pang deep in my chest. It should be that way, shouldn’t it? Love should feel like something solid, like a foundation you can build on. But right now, it feels like everything is crumbling beneath me.

“You can’t fall in love with someone in three weeks.” I wipe my tears with the palm of my hands as the three of them look at me with softness behind their eyes.

“Oh but you can and you did, didn’t you?” Allie asks. I look around and shake my head. Refusing to believe this. This is crazy. This can’t be true. I know that I miss him but is this loneliness, this longing, this yearning for more, because I’m in love with him?

Natalie leans forward, her expression soft and understanding, like she’s trying to catch every fragment of my heart that’s falling apart. "You know love is acceptance," she adds, her voice gentle but firm. "Love is respect. It’s about joy, and laughter, and finding someone who sees you for exactly who you are—no filters, no pretending." She smiles, that kind of smile that makes everything feel a little brighter, even though I know she’s talking about something I can’t seem to reach .

I swallow hard, trying to hold myself together as her words hit me one after the other. It feels like they’re sinking deeper than I want them to, like they’re chiseling away at the walls I’ve built around my heart. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe I need to let them break through.

Allie’s voice is the next to wrap around me, her tone both fierce and warm, like she’s trying to light a fire inside me, something I can hold onto. "Cara," she says, leaning closer, her eyes searching mine like she’s trying to remind me of something I’ve forgotten. "You know exactly how to love without saying those three words. That’s how you love all of us. Fiercely. Without hesitation. You’re there for us no matter what, no questions asked. Don’t you see it? All he wants is to be that person for you, bestie girl."

Her words hit me hard. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own hurt, in all the ways I’ve convinced myself that love is supposed to be hard , that I’ve forgotten what it really is. I’ve forgotten how to let it in and to let myself be loved.

But Allie, Roe, and Natalie—they’re right. Love is supposed to feel like home. It’s supposed to build you up, not tear you down. And maybe, just maybe, I’ve been pushing away the one person who’s trying to be that for me. The one person who has always seen me. I just kept seeing it all as a game that even when he tried to tell me he wanted more, I brushed him off.

They’re not wrong. Manny may not have said that he loved me but he sure as hell tried. He also showed me every day for weeks how much he did with his actions and his listening ears. With his patience and his demeanor. And then he tried to tell me he wanted more, and I shoved it all down for fear of not being enough. For fear of not being able to compete with his job.

“What about his job?” I ask between a sob I’m not able to hold. Did I mess it all up? Am I too late ?

“What about it? That’s something for the two of you to discuss but you need to stop being a dummy and go tell that man that you love him, too,” Allie insists and those words shock me to my core.

“You love him, don’t you? It’s written all over your face. I’ve never seen you so connected with someone like you were in Nashville, and then at the wedding,” Natalie adds, a teasing grin on her lips.

“Stop lying to yourself, Cara. What are you really afraid of?” Allie presses, her gaze sharp.

A knot tightens in my stomach, and I can feel it pulling, twisting, like a weight sinking deeper and deeper. If I can’t admit this to them, how the hell am I supposed to face it myself? How am I ever going to tell Manny? I swallow hard, the words fighting to escape, the truth I’ve been avoiding for too long.

"What if what I have to give is less than what he wants? I don’t want to uproot my life for a man. I want to live it fully the way I’ve always wanted without feeling like I'm failing a partner for not putting their wants first," I finally blurt out, my voice cracking on the edge of the question. It’s been lingering in my mind for weeks, maybe longer; a nagging, relentless whisper that refuses to let me go.

The room falls into silence for a second, but then Natalie leans in, her expression soft yet firm, like she’s pushing the doubt away with nothing but the sheer force of her belief in me. "You are enough," she urges, her voice warm and steady like a lifeline. "Just because that jerk couldn’t see it doesn’t mean no one else will. We see you, Cara. And you’re worthy just the way you are. Nothing about you needs to change. What you have to give is plenty and I’m sure you and Manny can come to an agreement on things but Cara, I don’t think you understand... his job is not as a priority as you think anymore. I’m pretty sure you are his only priority.”

I raise an eyebrow, the smallest flicker of curiosity sparking through me despite the heavy weight of my thoughts. "I’m whose priority?"

"Manny’s!" she says with a grin, and her eyes sparkle like she’s sharing a secret only we’re in on. “I’m sure he’ll give it all up to make you happy but you have to let him.”

The laughter that follows bursts from them, deep and free, and it catches me off guard. I can't help it. I laugh, too. It’s a sound that bubbles up from somewhere inside, loosening the tightness in my chest, even if just for a moment. I look at them—at these women who have held me up more times than I can count—and the tension starts to slip away, piece by piece. Maybe I am seen. Maybe I’m not as invisible as I feel sometimes.

"Agh, this is so hard," I groan, flopping dramatically back onto the couch. I let my body go limp, surrendering to the weight of everything I’ve been holding in. The room spins for a second, and I let the comfort of these familiar people settle around me like a warm hug. Keeping me safe and warm and sound.

"It really isn’t," Allie says, her voice carrying that no-nonsense tone she always uses when she’s ready to shake things up. She crosses her arms, sitting up straighter, that determined gleam in her eyes. "It’s just a matter of you believing it. Manny believes it. We all believe it. Now it’s time for you to believe it, too."

The words hit me, not like a blow, but like a wakeup call, a reminder that I’ve been holding myself back for too long. I close my eyes for a moment, letting their laughter echo in my mind. Maybe, just maybe, I don’t need to fight this alone .

“And you’re okay with all of it? You’re acting entirely nonchalant about this. This is your brother, Allie.”

“Who better to become my sister than you, my sister by choice? It’s not a big deal to me, Cara, because I can see how much he cares about you. And if how shitty you’ve been feeling for the past few weeks is any indicator, I think you feel the same. Actually, I know you feel the same,” she replies, smiling softly at me as she brings her soft fingers to touch my hand.

“So what? I’m just going to call him and be like ‘Forgive me, Manny. I love you,’” I mock, looking at them with worry in my eyes but seeing nothing like that in theirs. They all seem to feel strongly about this in a different way than I thought they would take it. Even if I realized it before that he is the piece I’m missing, by the time I realized that it was too late. It’s been too many days.

“Welp, that’s when we come in for help. We have an idea,” Natalie announces with a big smile that mirrors both Roe and Allie on their faces.