31. Pretending

31

PRETENDING

PRETENDING, GLEE CAST

Cara

Stops 11 and 12: Chattanooga and Atlanta

Five days of hiking, exploring, swimming, and dancing. Reading books every night, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears as we spend time together with our bodies and our souls. I know I was supposed to find myself on this road trip but what I think I found was him instead. Opening my eyes to the amazing human that is Manuel Zabana has been an utter delight.

I don’t know how I didn’t notice him before. He’s so funny and sweet and kind and freaking listens. He’s giving me so many good memories, so many moments to keep as mine and I wish I could keep him too. I have no idea how anything long term would work with him. There’s no way that I can keep a man like that forever but God what wouldn’t I give to try to.

I love spending time with him. I love how we can go from laughing until we’re crying at breakfast, to him reading books to dogs at the shelter, to hiking up to a waterfall in the afternoon, to skinny dipping and fucking under the water while being afraid of being caught. I like spending time with him and sharing small and big moments. He never gets tired of my silly games and now he’s even pointing when we see a turtle-ish road or a jumping deer sign, he said that the highway patrol should rename them because my cute names are better.

We went to a soap-making class and he enjoyed smelling all the combinations for me because my sense of smell isn’t great so I don’t trust my nose. He then purchased all the soaps I loved because he said he needed to smell like my favorite scents at all times.

We saw a field of sunflowers and he pulled over to let me walk through them. I loved it. And he knew I wouldn’t want to pick any, just wanted to see them and snap some pictures. He even posted one of me on his social media from the back, you can’t tell it’s me which is why I didn’t say anything but he titled it “catching sunflowers” and I don’t know what else could’ve been more fitting since he kept running behind me trying to catch me as I bee bopped around through the flower field.

We went wedding outfit shopping and I made him do the runway strut for me which he did happily. Have you ever met a human puppy? Because that’s exactly what Manny is. Loyal, funny, and playful. Adventurous too. We have gone hiking countless times, we tent-camped one night, even though he hates bugs. Jumping from bridges into the river and eating food we couldn’t pronounce were some of the things he decided he wanted to try. We also had sex in the most adventurous and public places and I don’t think I would’ve done that with anyone else. I’ve never been as comfortable as I am with him. I feel protected, cherished, and happy, and the fact our trip is coming to an end is hurting my soul.

Another thing Manny does? He communicates. We had a whole conversation about safe sex after our condomless shenanigans that could’ve been awkward with anyone else but not with him. We talked about how important it was for me especially since I didn’t use protection before and then I was spiraling thinking the worst when I found out he cheated on me. He got a full STD panel after that. It came back clear, which I had a suspicion it would, but it felt good having that conversation and doing the responsible thing.

I’ve talked to my parents and they’re ready for me to be back home but I haven’t been able to reach Nellie. Mom says she’s traveling a lot which doesn’t surprise me since she’s about to start working full time. Nellie is such a wild child, wild grown-up now, I guess. All I can do is hope she stays safe. There’s no taming her, so might as well just show her how to not die while she’s trying to live her life.

We spent the day at the Georgia Aquarium yesterday, knowing that today will be the wedding of hell and that we wouldn’t get as much time together. We took our time and explored downtown Atlanta on electric scooters. And we ate so much food that I was seriously worried my dress wouldn’t fit today—but you only live once so I ate it all.

I’m lying in bed in this beautiful hotel, that’s also the wedding venue, waiting for Manny to come back up with breakfast, and texting Allie to check if I’ll see her before the wedding.

The Bestie: Do you want me to come to your room and we can get dressed together?? We need to talk about all the things .

Fuck. I forgot I had told her to do that with me but now that I’m in this room with her brother, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.

Me: I don’t feel great so maybe I’ll see you right before the wedding? Do you want to get drinks before? Pregame so we can deal with the shit show that today’s gonna be?

I hate lying to her but what am I supposed to say? Oh yeah, you can’t come over because I’m sharing a room and a bed with your brother? I don’t think it would be a really big deal if I told her we were hooking up, but I also don’t want to deal with this when we only have two more days on this trip. Tomorrow, we’re heading home and then I can start my new life on Monday. And on top of the Manny stuff, there’s the whole thing with Tasha and Cole and I don’t want to add more stress to an already stressful night.

The Bestie: Sure. Is Manny still coming? Let’s all go get drinks at the hotel lobby. 3:00?

Me: YASSSS! Can’t wait to squeeze you future Mrs. Clarke.

The Bestie:

“Croissants, eggs, grapes, and coffee for my queen,” Manny shouts from the door. When I look up, I see him carrying a tray and a giant smile. He’s in such a good mood today and has been since he woke up at the crack of dawn and said he was going to the gym.

“How was your workout session and thank you! That sounds delicious.” He puts the tray on the bed and kisses me on the forehead, before sitting across from me and grabbing a water bottle. He stretches a leg over his lap and takes a sip .

“It was good. I’m ready for a shower, you want to join?”

“Do you ever get enough, hotshot?” I ask, pulling the covers over my chest and grabbing the food, ready to snack on something before figuring out when to start getting dressed. The wedding is at four but if we’re meeting Allie and Jake at the bar, I need to start getting ready soon. Especially blow-drying my hair—which takes forever.

“Of you, sunshine? Who could ever get enough?” Manny gets up, removing his shirt with one hand, like Adonis himself, and walking toward the bathroom. His workout pants hang low on his hips and when he makes it to the bathroom door, he turns around to look at me before saying, “I promise a good time and you know I can deliver.”

Fucking hell , I know he’s right. I shove a piece of croissant into my mouth and follow him into the bathroom to hopefully get in my Manny fix before the day ends.

“Bitch, you look stunning!” I shout when I see Allie in her smoke-show navy blue gown. Her skin glows under her dress and her hair pulled up in a bun with her curls falling over her face makes her look even more stunning than usual.

“Me? Look at you!” she says, holding my hand and spinning me so my gown twirls around me. I’m wearing this off-the-shoulder black gown with a slit almost to my hip. I thought I was going to die when I put it on and swore I wouldn’t wear it, but Manny had other things to say and he offered to buy it in every color they had. So I did.

“Enough about our fabulous selves, let’s go find our seats.” I pull her by the hand and outside to the patio where the ceremony is taking place. We ended up canceling drinks because according to her she was having hair issues, which I can’t tell by looking at her. However, I’m sure dealing with her curls can’t be easy all the time so she gets a pass.

It worked out in my favor in the end because my stomach has been in knots thinking about the possibility of seeing Tasha and Cole tonight. Manny can tell I’m tense because he spent all day exploring my body and helping me relax in so many ways. Or at least he tried. It’s not only the wedding that’s been looming over my head. The fact that our time together is coming to an end is bothering me too. I’m not happy about it and it’s stopping me from living in the moment and more like in my head. He, on the other hand, seems to be enjoying every minute we do have together. Taking my bracelet advice and making it his own.

We sit side by side, Jake and Manny next to us as we wait for the ceremony to start. Alex found the love of his life in Livie, something we never saw coming because that man is as grumpy as they come to everyone but us. We never thought he would ever let himself love anything more than football and his mom. When his career ended his whole life stopped, too. His attitude became worse and he was almost unbearable to be around. He healed through a shit ton of therapy and yoga but he still was a little dull. Then Livie happened, literally almost crashing into his arms and the rest is history. They dated for, like, four months before he put a ring on it and they decided not to waste time and get married right away. I usually don’t believe in insta-love but those two are proof that when you know, you know. My radar must be off though because I also thought I knew, and I was clearly mistaken. I’m hoping theirs is a lot better than mine.

I’m so lost in my thoughts that I almost missed everyone standing up to look back at Livie walking down the aisle. She’s radiant in her princess style gown as she glides all the way to the arch at the front made with beautiful white and beige flowers. My gaze wanders to the second row in front where I see Tasha’s pretty blonde hair draped over Cole’s shoulder. I tense at the sight but quickly avert my gaze back to the soon to be husband and wife. When Livie reaches Alex, he steals a kiss from her before anyone can say a word.

“Sorry, I had to,” he says and the crowd laughs.

We take a seat and watch this beautiful ceremony take place while I’m constantly wondering if that will ever be me. Not necessarily the girl holding the flowers and wearing the pretty white dress but the girl walking to someone who is looking at her like that.

“You’re beautiful tonight,” Manny whispers in my ear. “I meant to tell you earlier but I was starstruck and couldn’t form coherent thoughts.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” I whisper back, squeezing his thigh quickly before settling my hand back on my knee. I force my attention back to the couple but my mind is completely torn thinking about Manny and about how good he feels next to me, and how much I like talking to him, and I almost choke on a laugh at the most inappropriate moment thinking about how fucked up this whole situation is.

Even if I were to tell him that I think I like him, what would he do with someone like me? There’s only so much I can give him. We seem to fit together on this summer road trip where responsibilities don’t exist and he doesn’t have to go to work functions and fancy events. When he doesn’t have to parade me around in front of cameras or investors. I’m his silly summer fling—a good time. All I’m good for.

Looking at the back of Cole’s head as the ceremony continues I remind myself of everything he used to say, not with his words directed at me but with his actions and little innuendos. Never taking the time to do anything I wanted to do made me feel like I wasn’t important. Never having a wedding talk with me and letting me think he wasn’t ready until he broke up with me and put a ring on someone else’s hand. I pump my leg up and down rapidly with all the thoughts swirling in my head. Manny brings his hand to my thigh, settling it down with his touch and grounding me back to the present moment.

“You may kiss your bride,” the officiant announces and we quickly stand up to clap for the newlyweds. I have a few minutes to get my shit together before I’m sitting at a table with Manny, Allie, and half our friends, pretending that I’m not falling in love with this man.