Chapter Thirty-Nine

Hayden

Most Likely to Succeed

I try phoning Ashleigh again but it keeps dropping or else goes to voicemail, so I hang up and send her yet another text.

Where are you??????? Starting to worry! Did you go home? Just let me know you re okay?

I realise what a helicopter dad I sound like to my best friend, a grown-ass woman who can more than take care of herself, but I am really starting to worry a bit now. This feels like that time Margot insisted on playing hide-and-seek at the park a few years ago, only to run off and hide behind a tree outside the playground. I almost called the police when I couldn t find her and she didn t come running when I yelled her name.

She is a fiercely competitive little monkey. I had all the parents and kids in the park looking for her before we tracked her down. It was the longest, most unbearable eight minutes of my life.

And Ashleigh has been MIA for a lot longer than eight minutes.

Do you think she and Ryan have actually had it out? I ask Bryony, who has been agitated and muttering and huffing and puffing like she s going to blow the school down for the last several minutes of our search. We clear the common areas and school gym, which I notice has had an upgrade, and pass Morgan and the boys on their way back to the party, after they ve had no better luck than us.

Bryony scoffs. Wouldn t surprise me. They hated each other at school.

She still does. Any time he s on the telly, she gripes about him. Sends me articles that pop up on her newsfeed about him, so she can slate him. I don t always have the heart to tell her I don t think he s such a bad guy.

Total vendetta, she mumbles, and I can tell I ve only got half her attention. It seems better than none, under the circumstances. He never shut up about her, you know. I dunno if you ever hung around him much at school-

We both know I didn t.

Bryony lightens up as she leans into the gossip. Well, she was practically all he ever wanted to talk about. Ashleigh this, Ashleigh that, do you know what she said in class earlier, did we see the glare she gave him in assembly, did anybody else notice how put out she looked when he got top marks in the French vocab test and she didn t? Oh, Ashleigh s too stuck-up to come to a party, Ashleigh s steam-rolled over his sports-day plans and made it into a fundraiser, Ashleigh, Ashleigh, Ashleigh . She rolls her eyes, and laughs. God, they were obsessed with each other. Guess nothing changes.

Guess not.

Can t wait to get fired for a double murder on school property, she jokes, but then her smile slips and she huffs and puffs again. That s just what I need right now. And I bet my whole part in it for organising this reunion in the first place means I d go viral, and then definitely nobody would want to work with me, because I d have such a tainted reputation. I d be, like, cursed. I d be the new Macbeth .

Something about how she says it sets my teeth on edge.

I surprise both of us when I mutter, Could you cut it out already?

Excuse me?

I didn t really mean to say it. It just slipped out.

But she s not going to let it go, and maybe that s for the best. Maybe I need this outlet, and if I could endure Bryony s whinging for the last hour or so, she can certainly put up with a few minutes of it from my side.

So I stop in my tracks just outside the science block, and frown at her.

This pity party you re throwing for yourself. Nobody s forcing you to continue going to auditions or anything, if you find it so miserable and it makes you cry. You told me you like being a teacher - and if you were scared about people finding out, well, it s happened. The world didn t end, did it? Nobody laughed at you. Nobody pointed the finger at you and told you what a failure you are, how sad your life is. Nobody would dare - not like how they ve been doing it to me all night long. I know you like to believe you re the main character, but some of us have real lives and real feelings, too; you re not the only person feeling sorry for themselves or wishing things had turned out a bit differently, you know? You don t think I m not angry about things, that I don t want to shout and scream and throw my toys out of the pram? Well - maybe I didn t, before tonight, but still. This isn t how the world works, Bryony. You don t get to be this self-centred and claim to have all these dreams and not put in the effort - because from what you ve told me, it sounds like you gave up on yourself a long time ago. How do you expect anybody else to root for you, in that case?

Bryony s lower lip wobbles, and, oh, brilliant, I ve made her upset .

Do you really think I ve given up on myself? she whispers.

Why else are you going around lying to everybody about what you do? Moping about it, instead of doing something to change it?

It s only as I lay this out for her, able to see it clearly because it s not my life and I m not caught up in the middle of it, that I realise how it reflects on myself. I ve never felt bad about how my life turned out; I don t mope around every day and feel sorry for myself about it.

She asked me earlier if I was happy, and I didn t really have an answer, because the night had made me wonder if my wilful ignorance could count as happiness.

But - maybe it s not ignorance. Maybe it s just growing up. Taking responsibility. Understanding that the world is so much bigger than just me .

And, I think, I am happy with my life.

I tell her as much, and say, It d be nice if you could let yourself be happy in your life, too, B. You ve always been such a huge personality and presence; it s sad to think you ve made yourself so small.

Bryony s mouth falls open into a small O, and I see something click into place for her.

I think maybe she needs a hug, but that s the moment I notice the wet floor and all the water pooling out from the science block.