Chapter Forty

Ashleigh

Most Likely to Kill Each Other

I m in a stand-off with Ryan, whose eyes glint and crinkle at the corners with barely restrained laughter, until I finally snatch the flask out of his outstretched hand and take a swig, admitting to the fact that, yes, okay, I did have a sex dream about him. Once. Like, forever ago . It was hardly intentional or anything.

He drank, too, though, so at least it s not just me being humiliated here in our second round of Never Have I Ever.

Check your phone again, I snap at him, before he does laugh at me. Have you got a signal yet?

He sighs. Ash

I check mine for the billionth time, even though I already know what I m going to see. A screen full of error messages letting me know about all the texts to Hayden that have failed to send. He won t just go home and not try to find me to say goodbye though, will he? So he ll notice I m not at the party and he ll find me eventually, right? We won t have to, I don t know, smash a window and escape that way, or risk being trapped here until Monday morning

Just as my brain starts to run away with itself about how bad this situation might be, there s a shriek from the other side of the locked door.

There s a muffled voice and then a shrill response of, Are you kidding me? It s not just a bit of water . The fucking sprinkler system! Oh, God, I m so fired. And my shoes are going to be ruined .

Ryan and I gawp at each other for a moment before springing into action. His body crowds behind mine as we both pound on the door, yelling hello and help and all that kind of stuff. The sound of feet splashing in our direction and the arrival of our rescuers - Bryony being one of them, from the sound of it - has adrenaline shooting through my veins.

Ash, you in there?

Oh, thank God, it s Hayden! I knew he wouldn t abandon me.

Seriously, shoutout to his dad-honed instincts for trouble.

Yes! Hi! It s me! The door s locked itself, and I-

Is Ryan in there with you? he shouts through the door.

Bryony screeches, We all thought you two had killed each other!

Ryan laughs, his breath hot at my ear and neck with the sound, sending a delicious little shiver down my spine. He doesn t move away and his left hand is braced against the door, near my waist, so he s completely encasing me. The proximity does things to me, just like that lean he did earlier.

I wonder how long we would ve carried on enjoying each other, oblivious to the rest of the world. How long we could ve hidden out here.

He s saying, Hayden, mate, Bryony, can confirm - Ryan here. Proof of life! Get us out of here, will you?

No worries! I ve got the code saved somewhere in an email Give me a couple of minutes, okay? Bryony tells us. Try not to kill each other, LOL!

I turn away from the door, expecting this to be the moment Ryan steps back - only he doesn t.

I don t know what s going on between us here; our latest argument and my apology didn t feel like the petty sniping we would both default to around each other. It felt heavy, real . I m not sure if that shift is because we ve grown up, or because we had sex, but I don t suppose it matters anyway. It s still shifted. The fragile sense of mutual understanding and sarcastic quips we exchanged in the last few minutes since I apologised feels so tentative, I m terrified of saying the wrong thing and ruining it, even in an attempt to get closer to him again.

But Ryan lifts a hand to push some wet hair back from my face, and my eyes slide closed, and for once I m glad to let him take the lead, grateful for his ridiculously high levels of self-confidence. He doesn t seem scared I ll push him away.

His palm stays on my face, cupping my cheek, fingers splayed back into my hair and resting against my neck. And I want to sink into him - not to kiss him, just to let myself be held by him.

What are you doing to me, Ashleigh? he asks, just like he did earlier, but that s different this time, too. This isn t hoarse and turned on; it s quiet and yearning, in a way I never would ve imagined Ryan to be capable of, and I didn t know I was the kind of person to want - to need - to hear that.

I don t know when Ryan started being someone I wanted , but I know he s always been tangled up in a mess of emotions I carry around with me. Even if he weren t such a public figure, I m certain he would ve been impossible to forget.

I also don t know how to answer him, so I just lean into his touch. I cover his hand with one of mine and hold his wrist with the other, wordlessly begging him not to move.

It could be, you know, he murmurs.

My eyes open to search his face. The dark intensity in his gaze, the glimmer of hopefulness there, the firm press of his lips into a straight line.

Could be what?

Romantic, Ryan tells me. If you wanted.

Something beeps a few times and the door flies open. Ryan s hand slips from my cheek, but it squeezes my fingers briefly before he lets go, while I m still clinging to him, too overwhelmed for my brain to react in real time. He s already turning, laughing and saying, About damn time! while I blink and try to get my head around that word.

Bryony lets out a horrified scream. What did you guys do ? Look at this place! Ohmigod. Oh my God , I m so fired.

I swear, this wasn t our fault. The sprinklers went off with the fire alarm, Ryan says. I ll cut a cheque for the textbooks, if it s a problem. Alright, Hayden? Thanks for the rescue, team. Hope we didn t put you out too much.

Bryony is too busy staring at something across the room to answer and instead says, Is that a bra hanging off the lights?

We all look up. The long, fluorescent bulbs are suspended by wires from the ceiling to give a snazzy industrial look, and there, draped over one in the middle of the room, is the very bra Ryan flung away earlier and which neither of us could locate afterwards.

Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck, this is just what I need - for Bryony, my new-bestie-turned-frenemy for the night to find out what happened and go blab about it to everybody like the inexorable gossip that she is before I ve even had chance to get my head around it all.

It could be, you know.

I tuck the fire blanket a bit tighter around myself and bite my tongue.

Next to me, Ryan snickers, and masks it with a cough.

What s been going on? he asks quickly, and - God, I thought I d rue the day I ever needed him to come to my rescue, but I almost melt with relief now. What happened with the power and everything?

Blown fuse, Bryony says absently, still staring up at my bra dangling from the ceiling in confusion. She waves a hand. Hayden fixed it.

What happened to you two? Hayden asks us, less concerned with the rogue underwear and more the bedraggled state both of us are in. You guys look like Like

Ryan is laughing in response. Like a wet T-shirt contest, I know.

You look like you ve been shagging , Hayden says accusingly.

Romantic.

Shut up! screams Bryony. Ohmigod! They so have! You so did. Didn t you? Ohmigod, Ashleigh, don t you dare try to tell me that isn t your bra now! With a peal of laughter, she reaches to try and pull the fire blanket away from me to prove it, but Ryan steps in between us with a laugh, slinging an arm around her shoulder and steering her out of the door - like I m not even there at all. Kind of like Bryony did to me in the hall with Freddie.

Ah, come on, Bryony - you know me, never one to kiss and tell. Would I do a thing like that? Better question: would Ashleigh ? C mon, don t we have a party to get back to?

And he s leaving. Walking out, cracking a joke about the power cut, and I m left huddled in the fire blanket, my clothes clinging to my damp skin and dripping cold water onto the floor, still reeling as Hayden asks if I m okay.

With the other two gone, I suck it up and climb on the desk to retrieve my wet bra from the lights, turning my back to Hayden as I wrangle it on beneath my top. My best friend gives me my privacy and doesn t say anything, but once we re following after Ryan and Bryony and their noisy chatter and laughter, he nudges my arm with his and gives me a small, reassuring smile. I try to return it, and fail miserably.

If you wanted.

I wish I had the chance to answer Ryan.

But it feels too late, now. Like those people who opened up and apologised and kissed They re ghosts of our past, left behind, and we go right back to being who we were ten years ago and two hours ago.

Like, in the cold light of day, this version of me could never say yes.