Chapter Thirty-Eight

Steph

Most Likely to End Up Together

I m sorry, sweetie, I tell Curtis, making a beeline back to him before I follow Bryony s instructions, which I don t dare disregard right now. I should

Just go wandering off again with my ex-boyfriend, the one I very nearly kissed after spending an hour alone with him at the back of the school, immediately after telling my fianc every single detail of it all. That s not a red flag in the slightest, is it?

But kind, lovely Curtis just nods, and throws a smile at Bryony as she retreats into the school. Seems like your friend is really going through something - go on, it s fine. I hope you find the others. We ll talk later, though?

It s timid, edged with that nervousness I saw in him at the beginning of our relationship, spiking up again around our milestone moments. It s a request, a plea, and one I m so grateful to have the chance for. I nod, and we kiss each other on the cheek before I peel away to join the search parties.

God, I love this man.

I hope he still loves me, after all this.

Shaun is saying something to his fianc e, who looks, understandably, pretty miffed. I hope that they manage to work things out, too; I know I m not responsible for Shaun s mistakes, but I still feel guilty for any hurt I ve caused her. Still, she smiles politely enough to me, wrapping her arms around her waist before she follows the tide of people making their way back to the hall.

The others are already on their way to start looking for Ashleigh and Ryan, and Shaun and I are left standing alone outside.

He struggles to look at me and jabs a thumb over his shoulder. We d better

I nod, having to clear my throat. Yes. Definitely.

For a second or two, neither of us move, and I can tell that Shaun s wondering if, as soon as we venture off alone together, we ll resurrect that feeling from the back steps and be about to kiss all over again.

My stomach flips; I can t quite tell if it s nerves or butterflies.

It feels different this time as we wander the school corridors. Lights are already turned on and there is a hubbub of voices that seems to come from all around, the other people Bryony dictated as her search parties chattering away and their voices bouncing off the ceilings, amplified. It doesn t feel like this is out of bounds or against the rules now, and the silence between Shaun and I stretches on, curdling into something tense and agitated that scratches at my skin and makes me want to run in the opposite direction.

Hoping that if I break the silence, things might find a more normal balance, I say, That was a bit of a surprise, finding out

And at the exact same time, Shaun says, Wild about Bryony, don t you

We make eye contact again, both of us smiling now, and the horrible, nasty tension dissipates instantly.

And there is nothing else rising up in its wake. It s as if a spell has been broken and the nostalgia stripped away, and this doesn t feel like reconnecting with my first love anymore, the great unanswered question in my life. It feels quiet, and normal , and like when I got chatting to the girls again or saw Greg or Hiro or Hayden. There s a nice, warm feeling in my heart at spending time with someone I once knew well - but now, it s not joined by attraction or heartache or anything else.

Shaun waves for me to continue, so I say, Yes, it is a bit wild, isn t it? I just didn t see it coming from her! Online, she always looks so And she s got all those stories! It can t all be untrue; I don t believe that.

He shrugs. I guess maybe it s something she does on the side and isn t as successful as we all thought. I just can t imagine her as a teacher . I mean - Bryony!

I laugh, knowing what he means. She s so fierce and bright and bold, and I don t know, she seemed quite stern when she was telling us all off. If she s half as enthusiastic about teaching as she was about pulling this party together, I bet she does a great job.

Shaun hums thoughtfully, smiling as he pictures it. Yeah, to be fair. She must be a really fun teacher.

We start with our search of the music and drama classrooms, and I give an excited little squeal when I find Bryony s name on one of the doors. Maybe it isn t quite the same as seeing it in the credits of a movie, but even so. I do feel bad for her that she felt she had to hide it all this time, and I hope she s not embarrassed or ashamed. She doesn t deserve that. And I hope she doesn t get any flak from her bosses about the fire alarm or the state we might be leaving the school in; she has tried so hard to keep order tonight, and that was apparent even before the power cut or the fire alarm went off.

Most of the classroom doors are locked, but Shaun and I knock and call, Hello? Ryan? Ashleigh? Are you in there? just in case anyway. It doesn t take long to clear through, and by then we ve looped all the way around to the edge of the maths department. Roisin and Elise are nowhere to be seen, so they must already have gone back to the party; I wonder if they found them.

Well, the coast is all clear here. I get my phone out and, since I don t have her number, I find Bryony on Instagram, so I can send her a DM and let her know. As I m doing that, I say, I suppose we should head back-

Wait. Wait, just Please?

I look up to find Shaun has stepped in front of me, keeping his distance but a hand raised, palm out, and a crushed expression on his face that I immediately understand, with a pang of sympathy - not for him, but for who we used to be. Once we go back to the party, that s it; both of us will have to face up to what almost happened outside on the steps and really speak to our partners about it, and deal with whatever happens next, but that won t involve each other. We might not ever bump into each other again after this, and simply return to liking each other s social media posts every once in a while, and occasionally commenting politely and supportively.

This is our last chance to talk.

So, I wait, and Shaun lowers his hand and takes a shaky breath.

I am prepared for the speech I know is going to come out of his mouth because I have already thought it all, too, in the last twenty minutes. It s been so good to reconnect and hopefully we can stay in touch, but we both got carried away and should never have

I think we should give us a go, he says.

Wait, what?

I blink rapidly, not sure I heard correctly. Pardon?

Shaun repeats himself, and adds, You and me. We both needed to go our separate ways ten years ago, but I think tonight has made us both realise that we made some mistakes, and this - us - isn t all in the past. We could have a real future together, Steph. We re endgame - meant to be, like everybody always said we were. Tonight s made me remember how much I love you, and I think we should give it a real chance.

I m stunned into speechlessness, lips parted and unable to do anything except stare at Shaun and search his face in case this is some sort of joke, but he is entirely earnest. He carries on, emboldened by his own words, and paints a picture of the life we were always supposed to have together, the one he believes we could still have.

It s a pretty picture, and so achingly familiar.

He talks about the big house we would have near good schools, the dogs and the kids and the weekend barbecues with friends and family and neighbours, the big white wedding and the holidays to France to visit his parents in the summer holidays, but not like it s an old, half-forgotten daydream this time - like it s the reality he craves. He tells me how happy and content we would be, how we d do it all right, and would grow old together in the home we make, watching our children grow up and looking after grandkids in the school breaks.

And

None of it matches up with the life I ve envisaged for myself in the last few years. It s all the life I thought I wanted when I was a teenager and in love, because it s everything you re told to want.

I m shaking my head and Shaun reaches for my hands, an urgency glittering in his eyes and edging his words.

I know it s scary, Steph, and I m not saying nobody would get hurt - we re both engaged to other people, and I m not saying it would be easy, but it feels so right, you know? It s like you said - we got it all wrong. This is how it s supposed to go, for us. We can still make that happen!

That isn t Shaun, that s not

I stumble back, pulling my hands from his, and close my eyes for a moment as I try to concentrate on forming a clear, coherent sentence.

I don t want that, I finally tell him.

Now it s his turn to stare, not comprehending. What?

I m sure it would be a lovely life, but it s not for me. I don t want any of those things. I like my flat in the city centre, even if the only green we have is some house plants, because we don t even have a balcony. I don t want pets, and I don t want children. I enjoy my career but I want to retire early, and travel. Maybe take up crafts, or cooking classes, or learn another language. I don t want any of those things like you re talking about, Shaun, and, even if I did I wouldn t want them with you.

I cringe, hating how that sounds, even if it s true.

What I mean, I press on, is that I did get it all wrong, in doubting my relationship with Curtis. I wasn t expecting all those old feelings to return so strongly when I saw you tonight, but - that was the mistake, giving in to them, letting them blind me to what I have. What I want. Who I want. We ll always have a connection, Shaun, and you ll always have a place in my heart, but I love Curtis and if you re going to ask me to choose, then, I choose him. Every time, I ll choose him.

Shaun s lovely brown eyes fill with tears, but his face is slack with shock. I give him some space to digest what I ve just said, not wanting to upset him or push him.

When he finally closes his mouth and nods a bit, his first question is, Did you tell Curtis about what happened?

It s not a threat, I understand that; he s only confused, and I sense the guilt there, too, and realise he didn t tell Aisha anything. I m too stunned to fully process that right now. How could he have not immediately confessed? Didn t he feel even half as guilty as I did about what almost happened?

But in answer to his question, I nod and say, Yes. I told him everything. And we still have some things to talk about, but I have to hope he ll understand how overwhelming it was to see you again, and that even if I thought I wanted to kiss you, I was still thinking about him and feeling horrible and guilty for it. If that s not something we can move past, then it s something I ll have to deal with, but I can t just throw that away. Not for anything. I m sorry, Shaun, but whatever happens, I just can t picture a future that includes you in it.

I twist my engagement ring around my finger, centring the diamond where it has slipped sideways, and I hope that my future will still include Curtis. But I know, in my bones, even as I look at Shaun s stricken face and feel I ve broken his heart all over again, that whatever happens next, I ve made the right decision.