Chapter Ten

Shelby

I was finally free. Mostly. Kinda. At least in the sense that I could walk laps around the lodge, inside of course; I wasn’t allowed outside without an escort. I could eat whatever I wanted as long as it didn’t hurt, which was most things since my throat had almost completely healed, along with my ribs. The aches were still there, as was the rasp, but it wasn’t steal-your-breath pain anymore. I even got to ditch the walker as long as I felt strong enough and didn’t reinjure myself.

“Whatcha thinking about, pretty girl?” River asked, reaching out to tuck strands of my wayward hair behind my ear.

I looked up to answer him, but finding him so close with his fingertips trailing down my jaw left me tongue-tied. His golden eyes, once so strange but now familiar, meant comfort and safety, and they were fixed right on mine, holding me captive. A little flutter of something I daren’t give a name or attention to took up residence right below my ribs, and maybe a bit lower too. It shocked me. As unexpected as it was, I wasn’t sure I could deal with that just yet, so, I ignored it and went back to my happiness about being given the almost-all-clear to vacate my bed at-will. “I’m out of that damn bed and ready to eat something not delivered to me like an invalid.”

“Is that all you’re ready for?” I felt like he was alluding to what he couldn’t possibly know, but also that maybe there was more to his question that I didn’t understand.

Brow furrowed, I shrugged. “Getting mobile is one more step to getting out of here, right?” I couldn’t tell if his resultant frown was from my deflection or from bringing up leaving. Both were valid, so I chose to ignore it altogether. “I’m hungry and think I can manage that stove, so what all is off-limits?”

River’s confusion at the subject change lasted all of two seconds before it cleared. “Nothing much, I suppose. Don’t touch Dimitri’s fridge and shelves unless he specifically tells you to. Oh, and you should probably steer clear during the hours he cooks. He can be a grouchy bastard, and I don’t want to piss off our cook by giving him an attitude adjustment if he yells at you.” Catching sight of my wide-eyed alarm, River attempted to reassure me. “He’s not mean. He’s just a little…prickly if people eat his ingredients or mess up his kitchen.”

“Right. Makes sense, I suppose. So should I stay clear of the kitchen? I’d rather not upset anyone.” Instead of waiting, I nodded my head and turned my feet right around to retreat to my room in an attempt to outrun my mounting anxiety.

“Shelby, wait.” River chased after me. At one point, he grabbed my arm, only to let go when I flinched, then groaned in pain.

“Don’t touch me!” I rasped, clutching my side. I made it to my room without needing to stop, though I was panting like I’d run a marathon rather than having speed walked down a couple hallways.

The door shut on a bewildered River, but I couldn’t stop to explain—not that I had an explanation. I needed my bed, and I needed my meds.

I ignored the knocking, hoping he would leave me be, but when I fumbled the bottle of painkillers open with shaking hands, I began to cry. The bottle fell to the bed spread, empty. I don’t remember taking the last one . The realization made me cry harder, and then my door was opening despite my refusal to grant entrance.

“Shelby, please, what’s wrong?” River begged as he folded his lanky frame to kneel at my feet.

There was little point in ignoring him since he’d only poke until I cracked. “C-c-can’t be where I’m not wanted.” It was an oversimplified explanation, but it was all I had.

“Who doesn’t want you?”

“No one. No one wants me anywhere but here. I can’t do it, River.” I cried harder, pulling my knees up on the bed with me so I could hide my face and let my hair fall in a curtain between us.

“I don’t understand, pretty girl. Who said they don’t want you? Is this because of what I said about Dimitri in the kitchen? I didn’t mean to upset you— Shelby , where are the pills?” Now frantic, River was no longer gentle. He roughly pulled me to my feet, ignoring my grunt of discomfort and struggle to get away from him, and pried my hands open. Not finding what he was looking for, he shook out the spread, checked under the pillow, and dropped to the floor to look under the bed while I slid down the wall and curled into a ball. “Shelby, goddammit, tell me you didn’t just take a bunch of fucking narcotics!”

His shout startled me enough to peek up, mostly to check if I was about to get hit, but the stark devastation on his face broke my silence. In a barely audible, rough whisper, I told him what had been the last straw for my anxiety and prompted me to cry in the first place. “There weren’t any left.”

Relief warred with confusion in his gaze as he sat opposite me on the floor, his back against the bed and his legs splayed out with his boots nearly touching the wall next to me. “How are you out again? Didn’t we just get you a refill?”

I shrugged, then swiped at my tears and snotty face with my sleeve, unable to explain how I’d gone through them so quickly.

“Are you hurting?” he asked, guilt in his voice.

I nodded though it was slightly untrue. The flare-up had hurt when I’d pulled my arm away and again when he’d moved me, but it was beginning to dissipate. The throbbing ache that would set in soon was what I wanted to avoid. Any strain took days to fully abate. Plus, the medication helped to dull my overactive brain and quell the need to bawl for no apparent reason.

“I hurt you.” It wasn’t a question, and from the concern etching itself into his features, I didn’t think he’d meant to.

Hesitantly, I nodded again.

Anger, which I was pretty sure was directed at himself, creased his brow. “Shit, Shelby, I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to stop and tell me what was wrong. I didn’t mean–I shouldn’t have manhandled you. Do we need to see Blake?” he asked, tipping his head toward the empty bottle.

I shook my head, feeling more than a little miserable for myself and still leaking the occasional tear.

Coming to some decision, River dug into his jeans pocket. “Here, I’ve kept a few on hand. Rain has, too.” He held out a tablet, but it didn’t look like the ones Blake had given me. When I didn’t take it, he moved his hand closer, but I shook my head. “What’s wrong?” he asked, exasperation lacing his tone.

“That’s not what Blake gave me.” I tried to subdue my suspicion, but from the surprise and hurt on his face, I’d failed.

“This is what you were getting in your I.V. I wouldn’t switch it up without telling you, Shelby.” When, again, I didn’t move to take it, he sighed and levered himself up. “Let me see what the label says. Maybe I got it wrong.” He sat on the side of the bed and took a moment to decipher Blake’s chicken scratch. Immediately, his frown turned into a scowl. “What the fuck? No wonder you’re out.” Catching my eye, he asked, “Did he tell you he was lowering your dosage?”

I shook my head as I found my voice. “Not exactly, but he did say he wanted to wean me off them as my pain decreased. I just thought he meant longer in between taking them, but I must have been losing track of time.”

The last bit was a lie.

I’d been taking them closer together than I should have been, but not close enough that I should have been out already. I couldn’t voice that, though, or I’d have to admit I hadn’t been taking them as I should.

It wasn’t only physical pain that I needed them for, and I knew I’d have them taken away altogether if I admitted I was self-medicating for other reasons. I wasn’t completely at fault, they’d mentioned depression before, and they knew I had anxiety and panic attacks, but once they’d taken the I.V. out, they seemed to have forgotten everything except the physical pain. I couldn’t bring myself to ask in case there was any chance that I could leave my pretty prison so long as they thought I was “healed.”

“Do you want me to bust this one in half? It’s the same thing. The color difference is because the ones you had are a half-dose of this one.” I tugged my lip between my teeth to keep from desperately saying ‘yes,’ but River saw the need anyway. He broke it between his fingers, putting one half in the bottle before capping it and putting it back in my drawer. “Here,” he said, holding out the water bottle from the nightstand along with the half-pill.

I reached out and took both from him, then avoided eye contact after swallowing it. Sighing, he walked away, but instead of going out the door, he detoured to the bathroom and returned a moment later with the box of tissues from the vanity countertop.

Hunkering down until he could resume his position opposite me, he set the box down and nudged it in my direction. “Now, what were you saying about nobody wanting you? I can’t fix it if I don’t understand.”

“Do we have to talk right now? I think I’d like to lie down and be alone.” I still refused to look at him, but I grabbed a couple tissues to mop up my face and blow my nose. If words wouldn’t get rid of him, maybe a forest of snot-filled tissues would.

“Shelby, could you look at me, please?” he asked, then waited until I glanced up to continue. “I’m concerned about your reaction in the kitchen and that despite the dosage change, you’re out of narcotics and seemingly don’t remember taking them. I don’t feel like you’re in a good place to be left alone right now, but I’m trying to compromise instead of calling Blake and Gavin.”

I immediately glared at him, instantly going from sad and wanting to wallow to pissed and wanting to throw something at his head. “Don’t you dare, River. I don’t need a damn tattle-tale babysitter. If that’s how you want to be, then do it and get out, but don’t come back. Period. Rain either, because you’ll try to wiggle right back in with him.”

Setting his features into stubborn lines, he shook his head. “You can be as ornery as you please, doesn’t mean you’ll get your way, pretty girl. Now, I apologized, and mind, you don’t have to accept it. I shouldn’t have grabbed at you, but I’m not gonna leave you alone if there’s a chance you’ll hurt yourself.”

The medication began to take effect, loosening the tightness in my muscles as well as my tongue. “No point in hurting myself, River. Not while I’m here, anyway. You all will just put me back together no matter the scars left behind or my wants.

“And if I’m away from here, then I don’t really have any reason to either, right? I should have some money. I didn’t break that ridiculous prenup, though I didn’t marry Di— him , for money. Even if I don’t, I can figure it out. I can sell Mama’s house, move to the other side of the country, and find a nice quiet job away from all of this.”

“See,” he pointed out again, getting on my nerves. “You got Gavin to okay your own room, but if you’re gonna be talking like that, then you’re going back where we can keep an eye on you.” He’d latched right onto the bitterness in my voice when I talked about them putting me back together and completely ignored the fact that I wanted to leave.

“That’s not fair,” I rasped, fighting back the urge to cry again.

“Didn’t say it was. It’s just how it is. So, what’s it to be? You tell me what set you off in the kitchen, then we take a nap, or I call Blake and tell him we need to collect all the sharp and pointy things and take your shoelaces.”

More tired than anything else, I decided I didn’t have enough energy to chance having to deal with Blake until it was time for my evening dose.

“I don’t want to be useless. I want to have a life.”

“Here, you mean?”

“After here, too. I’m not going to get stronger, mentally and physically, if I’m kept in this room. That’s not living, River.”

“Okay, but how did nobody wanting you turn into leaving? I need a bit of context here. Help a guy out, yeah?” He flashed his crooked grin, though it seemed more in exasperation than mirth. It wasn’t as big as it normally was, but it had something loosening further in my chest.

“I’m only here because someone still wants something from me, not for me being me. There’s no choice for any of you except to be around me, and I can’t even be in the kitchen without running the risk of being told to get out. I’m trapped here, River, and… I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t deserve to be kept here. No one will even tell me why I can’t leave.

Blowing out a breath, he nodded to himself. “Alright, I can see what you mean. I’ll introduce you to Dimitri. He’s really not bad, I promise, but as for the rest of it… I want you for you. So does Rain.”

“For what reason? You don’t know me,” I barked out with an unhinged laugh, all ugly and full of disbelief.

“Don’t have to know you. Anyway, I think we do some, now, as much as you’ve let us know you so far. No matter about the length of time or the reason, we just do. It’s how we are, and you don’t have to believe me, but it’s the truth, pretty girl. We want you, and that isn’t going to change. Whatever you need, we’ll do whatever we can to give it to you, to be that for you.”

Brows about to climb off my forehead, I scoffed at him. “Right, so why won’t you help me leave?”

Staring me dead in the eyes, utterly serious, he answered in a way I didn’t expect. “It’s not safe. You or others I care about could end up dead, and there would be nothing I could do to stop it. I, and Rain, will do whatever we have to to keep you alive. What you need trumps what you want , and you need to be breathing for the latter.”

I blinked then blinked again before I could find my voice. With a foreboding shiver working down my spine, I asked, “Who’s gonna explain that to me, River?”

Wincing like he’d overshared, which I was guessing he had by dropping that bombshell, he said the words I dreaded yet fully expected. “We need to get you set up with Gavin.”

“When can I do that?” I was surprisingly calm, but I chalked it up to the detachment the medication granted me. Otherwise, I would have freaked out about the whole being stashed away to keep me from getting dead situation. I was sure I’d have a freakout about it later, though hopefully without any witnesses to threaten me with Blake.

“Well,” he started before rubbing the back of his neck, “he’s a bit busy right now with other stuff. I’ll text him and let him know he needs to have a sit-down with you when he’s back.”

“Is that where Rain is? Gone with Gavin?” Surprise lit his eyes before he could mask it. He and River were usually attached at the hip, so it was basic deduction. But if he was purposely not telling me who Gavin was with… “Let me guess, Carter is involved, too?”

“Shelby, it’s really not my place to tell you what the boss is doing. You understand that, right?” Hurt burned in my chest at his firm yet kind statement. He’d set his boundaries, and, well, I guessed I needed to set mine.

“Do you trust Carter? Because I don’t.” Blunt seemed to be the language of the day. Whether the meds had loosened my tongue or not, I was completely fed up with the vague bullshit they expected me to accept. I was done mincing my words.

He answered slowly, hesitantly, like he wasn’t entirely comfortable being put on the spot. “Generally, yes.”

“And you work for him?” I prodded again.

“It’s not that simple, but yes, in a roundabout way.” His evasion was plain, but I wasn’t stupid.

“Right. So you could see how your expectation that I trust you is asking for a lot more than I’m getting in return. Essentially, you all are my keepers, and I’m just supposed to go along like a stupid sheep? That goes for your brother, Blake, and Gavin, too. How can I trust the men who ultimately answer to the man that stood by while I was regularly beaten, drugged, and raped…and then took part in it?”

The blood rushed into River’s face so fast I thought his head might pop off. “He did what? ” Too taken aback to answer, I could only watch as he yanked his phone from his pocket and started violently messaging someone. I had to admit, it wasn’t the reaction I’d expected. Even if I took shit for revealing something I shouldn’t have, my heart was a little lighter for having done so.

As soon as he finished, River visibly calmed himself and held both hands out to help me up. “I apologize for yelling, and I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. I’d like to do what I can to make you happy, if you’ll let me. I understand if you’d rather I keep my distance, and I will if you ask me to—as will the others if you wish it. If they don’t, I’ll personally whip their asses into next week no matter the consequences.”

I stared at him, and from the resolute way he held his shoulders and the sincerity in his eyes, I believed him. The problem was, I didn’t really want him to keep his distance. I just didn’t want him to be associated with who he was associated with, but there wasn’t anything to be done about that.

I had a decision to make, one I was terrified of making. What if I chose wrong again? What if I learned that the hard way? I didn’t know if I could do it, so I offered the best I could.

“I don't want you to. Keep your distance, that is. For now, anyhow. But I don't want to be kept in the dark either, not when it involves my life. If you break my trust, River…I-I reserve the right to change my mind later if-if, well, I think you know why.” Eyes downcast, I waited for his answer. The pill had relaxed me to a point, making it easier to speak, but the anxiety was still crushing after my meltdown and speaking of the not-so-distant past. I really needed to horizontal on the bed before I passed out on the floor.

River ignored his phone buzzing like crazy in his pocket. “I understand, Shelby, and so will the others.” At my sharp look, he shook his head. “They needed to know we might not be able to trust him, not if he went that far. Let me help you up. Take a nap with me?”

Taking a chance, I held my hands up. After helping me into bed, River pulled my shoes, then his boots, off, and he laid on top of the bed spread, pulling me in close to him. It was different. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but at the same time, I didn’t want to move, so I let it be and took the nap I desperately needed.