Chapter 16

Caleb

The next day, Caleb woke up early and went out to the kitchen to start the coffee. He thought of making French toast but changed his mind. Mia had spent the day at Ella's house, and when she came back in, she said goodnight, went straight to her bedroom, and closed the door behind her.

Since it was morning, he hoped that she felt better and that things could go back to… well… if not normal, then their normal.

But Mia came out of her bedroom fully dressed. Somehow, Caleb knew she wasn't going to stay the whole day. "I'll start breakfast in just a minute." Mia headed into the bedroom to check on the children, and then left the door ajar when she left. "What would you like this morning?" she asked, walking past him and into the kitchen, not looking at him.

He shrugged. "Anything you like," he said angrily, and then headed to the backdoor, emptied the contents of his coffee cup outside, and set it on the table. Without another word, he slipped on his coat and went out to the barn. He didn't want to go far in case Mia decided to leave again.

Inside the barn, he leaned against a post. He didn't know why he was so upset. The day before was the first day that she began to distance herself from him… from them. He turned around and punched a board in the barn wall. His hand started bleeding, but he felt nothing.

Of course she started distancing herself from him after he kissed her. Maybe she didn't love him. It was obvious that she loved his children, but what if she didn't love him? It was the only explanation he could manage.

He let out a deep breath as he grabbed the wheel barrel and shovel and started cleaning out a stall. When he was angry, this was what he did… shovel stalls. It was a safe way to get his anger out. Physical activity always helped him when he was frustrated, and this time was no different.

Then, a thought occurred to him. Maybe she was distancing herself because he couldn't give her his heart. He was trying, but he just couldn't let his guard down enough to let her in completely.

But, somehow, she had wormed her way into his heart, despite his best efforts to keep her at arm's length. He just couldn't give her what she wanted… he couldn't be who she wanted… what she wanted… a husband.

Mia was the sort of woman who needed love in her life. She wasn't the kind of woman who could love his children and not expect to be loved in return. But he just wasn't ready. He was mad at himself for thinking that he was. Who knew when he would be ready? Maybe next week? Next year? Maybe never. How could he have done this to himself? To her? Mia had walked into this situation with her eyes open, into his home with an open heart, and he had shut it down. He was the one who did this. He couldn't blame her, an innocent bystander to the tragedy that was his life.

Caleb walked inside, determined to talk to her. To try and salvage what was left of their marriage, of their relationship. But Mrs. Jenkins was there instead of Mia.

"What time is it?" he asked her.

"Noon," Mrs. Jenkins replied.

"Oh," he said as he looked around for Mia. "It's later than I thought."

Her eyebrows pulled together in concern. "Are you all right?"

"Where's Mia?" he asked, ignoring her question as he looked around.

Mrs. Jenkins's eyes were filled with concern. "She went to see Ella."

"Again?"

Mrs. Jenkins nodded as she headed over to him. "Caleb, why don't you sit down, and I'll fix you some lunch? Then, we can talk."

Tears welled up in his eyes, threatening to spill over, as he shook his head. "No, thank you, Mrs. Jenkins."

Caleb walked out and kept walking until he came to the family cemetery under a tree at the back corner of the farm. When he found Jessica's grave, he bent down and cleared the snow away from her tombstone. Then, he turned and punched the snow-covered ground as he fell to his knees on her grave.

"God, why? Why Jessica?" he screamed at the top of his lungs, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Why did it have to be you, Jessica? God, why couldn't you have taken me instead? Damn it! You could have taken me and not her! Jessica!" he screamed as tears coursed down his cheeks, finally letting it out. He had done a good job of holding it together since he lost her, but not now. Not ever again. "Jessica! I need you!" he screamed as he beat his bloody fist on the snow covering her grave. "Jessica, I love you! Come back to me! Don't leave me alone! Come back!" he sobbed. "Come back…."

Finally, he sat on her grave, facing the stone, sobbing into his arms. He cried for Jessica… and now for Mia. He had lost one wife, and now he was going to lose Mia because he couldn't bring himself to think of her as his wife. He knew he couldn't go on like this… they couldn't go on like this. Maybe he should just let Mia go. Then, he realized that he'd never find anyone else like her again. Never. Who else would have come in with a loving, open heart and loved his children? Loved him and asked for nothing but love in return? But he had no love left to give. They were doomed from the beginning. He could see that now. How could it ever work… if he couldn't even give her his heart?

But how could he let go of the past, and let love in? How could he learn to love again?

It was easier said than done.