Chapter 26

On Saturday, I did all those things you put off all week – washing, tidying, cleaning, watering my plants – and then I did some pampering. I had a long soak in the bath, shaved my legs, washed my hair, and put on a face mask. When I got out of the bathroom, I glanced in the mirror and wondered if I was prepping for tomorrow's date with Noah. I shook my head. It wasn't a date, I wasn't doing it to look good for him; I wanted to feel good for me.

But I couldn't quite convince myself.

A few friends were going out for a drink but I needed a night in to try to relax and get a hold of my confusing thoughts related to my ex. I curled up with a pizza and a book on my sofa with a glass of wine. And it was bliss.

But Noah kept drifting through my thoughts. I wondered what he was doing but I resisted messaging him. I needed to keep up a barrier between us. I couldn't let myself get too invested. Not unless I was 100 per cent sure that he was too.

Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me. My emotions were all over the place when it came to Noah. I had loved him once. I had thought he was the one. Then he had broken my heart. I'd been upset then angry but I hadn't met anyone who had made me feel the way he had. Now he was back and first, I was furious, pissed at him for not acknowledging what we had once been. But I knew he'd done that to protect himself. The same thing I'd done when I'd blocked him on my phone.

Now though, I knew that he'd tried to contact me. He'd sent me beautiful emails telling me he had missed me. And he'd been going through the awful months of being with his mum while she was ill and dealing with his father who had blamed him, made him feel guilty, put a hell of a lot of pressure on him, and then he'd lost his mum. I felt sorry for him. I knew he was devastated. And he and his father had a difficult relationship, which had made him this tough boss but had also made him unable to talk to his father about things. Then there was him telling me he thought he hadn't deserved my love. His father had made him feel that way. He hadn't wanted to tell me the real reason he was leaving. He hadn't wanted me to wait or miss him or love him.

But I had done those things anyway.

So, it was bloody complicated. I couldn't deny the fact I still fancied Noah like crazy. That smile. That dimple. The way he looked at me like I was the only thing he'd ever need. All of this had made me kiss him once already. And that kiss. God. It had been electric. And I remembered the way he'd touched me and held me and made love to me. It had been like nothing I'd had before or since. That connection. I was still looking for it. But what if I could have it again? With Noah?

I picked up my phone and started to read the rest of the emails he'd forwarded on. In them, he told me about his life in New York and how he was wondering about mine, but he always told me that he wished we were still together. He told me about his mother. Her good days and bad days. How hard he was working in New York but how he still felt he hadn't proved himself yet. That everyone thought he had the job only because of his father. And how demanding his father was with him. How they never talked about what his mother was going through. How one night he heard his father crying and wished he could do something. And how he longed to hold me but knew he never would again.

I wasn't sure if you loved me as much as I loved you when we were together. I didn't dare hope that you did. But I should have told you what you meant to me. It kills me that maybe you didn't know. That me leaving you might have made you think I didn't love you.

Because I did, Stevie. And I think I always will.

I finished his emails with that one. God, my heart. It swelled reading that. He really had loved me. He was right. I had wondered if it had all been a lie. Or a game he'd been playing with me. That he'd walked away without a second thought. But I knew differently. I knew he'd missed me. That he'd regretted leaving. And now I was so confused. He was making it too hard. I should hate my ex-boyfriend, right? Only I didn't.

Noah was making me want him again.

I fell asleep thinking about seeing him the next morning and how I longed for what we'd had. I knew we couldn't have that again. If we were ever going to move on from the past, it had to be something new. Something stronger. Something better. And I wasn't sure yet if that was possible.

But as I feel asleep, I knew I wanted to find out.

Noah was waiting outside when I stepped through the door to my building. It was the perfect autumn day for a lover of the season like me. The sun was out and the sky was blue and the air was beautifully crisp. The colours of the trees shone brighter under the gaze of sunlight and the fallen leaves crunched under my boots as I walked up to him. I'd put on leggings and a long cosy jumper with my wool coat to keep warm, and Noah was in jeans and his coat, his gloved hands holding two coffees.

‘I went with the seasonal favourite,' Noah said, greeting me. He leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. I breathed in his musky scent, hoping he'd appreciate the Jo Malone perfume I'd sprayed liberally. ‘Here.'

‘Perfect,' I said, taking one of the coffees. I sipped it and smiled. ‘I've turned you into a basic pumpkin spice latte bitch, I love it. So, let's go on my favourite walk; it's the day for it.'

Without thinking about it too much, I slipped an arm through Noah's and we set off together, sipping our coffees and walking through the leaves. We had met in winter and Noah had left me before Christmas so this would be only our second autumn together.

‘My favourite time of the year.'

‘Mine too,' Noah agreed. ‘New York is the best in the fall. I hope we get to publish Bitten over there as they go nuts for Halloween. It would be a big hit, I'm sure of it.'

I nodded. ‘Definitely. This way.' I steered him into the park. ‘I want to show you my favourite tree.'

‘You have a favourite tree?'

‘Don't you?'

He shook his head. ‘We're not all like you, Stevie.'

‘I'm choosing to take that as a compliment. Just look.'

I stopped us in front of the tree and we both lifted our faces to look. It was huge, twisted and old, the roots stretching out into the ground, going on for who knew how long, and the bark reached high up into the sky. It reminded me of trees in fairy tales, like you could walk through it into another world. And this time of the year, it really came into its own. The leaves had turned the most vibrant of yellows and oranges; some even looked gold in parts as they floated down gently on the breeze like colourful snowflakes.

‘I tried to find out what it is using a tree app but it doesn't recognise it. I'm choosing to see it as one of a kind. A magic tree. You can tell it your secrets or make a wish. It never judges. It always listens.'

I didn't add that I had walked to the tree every day after Noah left me. Sometimes crying. Sometimes kicking at the grass. Sometimes feeling lost. But this tree had always grounded me somehow.

‘It's not a tree but there's somewhere in New York I used to go that made me feel like that. A spot in Central Park by the lake. I used to sit there sometimes just to think. To have a moment of peace. It was a place where problems felt far away, you know? I wrote a couple of your emails there.'

I looked at him and he smiled back. ‘I wish I could see it.'

‘I'll take you there one day.'