Chapter 16

‘IKISSEDNOAH.'

‘Sorry, what?' Liv asked down the phone.

Admittedly, it had come out rather hysterically. I tried again. ‘I kissed Noah.'

I was walking aimlessly around the city. The October sunshine filtered through the gap in the coloured leaves above me. People walked past oblivious to the monumental thing that had just happened. It was crazy that London could continue to beat just as it had before that kiss because I felt completely different.

‘Or he kissed me. No, I think it was me, Liv. It was me. I made THE MOVE.'

‘Bloody hell,' Liv said. ‘Are you okay?'

‘Nope, not even a little bit.' I pushed my hair out of my eyes and looked around. I was a mile or so away from the office. I spotted a bench and sank down onto it knowing I couldn't face going back there just yet. I had no idea where Noah was but I really didn't want to see him right now.

‘Okay. Breathe. And tell me what happened exactly,' Liv said soothingly. Thankfully, she wasn't at the library, she was writing in her flat, so my panicked phone call had been picked up immediately.

So, I told her. About Noah apologising for how things ended between us, saying he regretted it, him telling me it was hard to stay professional, that I was more beautiful now… and then the big hitters – him buying the bookshop we'd met in and him saying that our year together had meant everything to him.

‘Then we were in an alleyway, I was against a wall, there was no one around and he looked at me… You know when they give you that look?'

‘Oh, yeah, you didn't stand a chance,' Liv agreed.

‘So, I just grabbed him and pulled him in for a kiss.'

She whistled. ‘Okay, that's hot. I mean, he bought a bookshop for you. Talk about a grand gesture.'

‘I can't even think straight. Why did he say our year together meant so much to him when he was the one who left me? Why have I not heard from him for five years? Why is he saying all these things when I am over him?'

I wasn't sure if the last part was a lie or not. I'd been over Noah, hadn't I? I mean, I thought he was never coming back and I had moved on. But completely over him? I suppose if I had been, that kiss wouldn't have felt so good. Shit.

‘All I do know is he dumped me five years ago and that I don't want my heart broken all over again.'

‘Of course not. That's completely understandable. He left you and now he's acting like it was a big mistake. That's so confusing.'

‘So confusing,' I agreed.

‘I have one question though – what was the kiss like?'

I leaned back against the bench and sighed. ‘It was perfect.'

‘Oh, man. You're in trouble.'

‘I really am. I need to go back to work. What do I do, Liv?'

‘How did you leave it?'

‘I told him I can't do this and I just walked away.'

‘Wow. That's main character energy right there,' Liv said approvingly. She, like me, had read one too many romances but I liked her way of putting it. ‘The ball's in his court then. He needs to apologise, tell you why he left and what he wants now if he really does have feelings for you again. Or still has them. It's not up to you. I think you walk on into your office, head up high, and act like nothing happened. He won't say anything to you at work.'

‘True. He is my boss.' Another reason to add to the list of why that kiss was a crazy thing to have happened. ‘What about at the end of work though?' I asked, not sure I could deal with another conversation with Noah today.

‘Walk out with other people and face the music another day. If you don't know how you feel about things then you don't need to say anything or do anything,' Liv said firmly.

‘That's true. I have no idea what to feel right now. I loved him but that was a long time ago and he's different now. I'm different now. And one swoon-worthy kiss doesn't change the fact he broke my heart. Okay, I'm going back and I will be an ice queen. I will not let on that kiss has shaken me up at all.'

‘I'm waving imaginary pom poms,' Liv said.

‘Thanks, Liv. Speak to you later.'

I ended the call and stood up. I wouldn't bring up the kiss. That was on him to do. And with Liv's pep talk echoing in my ears, I went back to the office, marching straight to my desk without glancing in Noah's office direction.

‘Oh, Stevie,' Gita called over from her desk. ‘Noah said to tell you he's out for the rest of the day so if you need to chat about the Deborah Day event, just email him.'

Talk about an anti-climax.

‘Thanks,' I called back, shaking my head. Of course I would flip out at our kiss and Noah would not be affected by it at all.

Email him! Not likely. The ball was firmly in his court for our next interaction. And for someone who always preferred to have the last word, that was not an easy decision for me to make but I knew it was the right one.

I opened up a document and started to write an email to Deborah Day and her agent about our idea for a launch party at the bookshop that had started all of this mess. All the while, I tried very hard not to think about the kiss with Noah.

Ever get a feeling someone is avoiding you?

Noah didn't come back on Thursday, and on Friday he rushed into his office and holed himself up in there for most of the day. We didn't even have any email contact. I wasn't sure whether to feel relieved or disappointed. I'd spent the night tossing and turning and replaying our kiss outside the bookshop way too many times to not call myself obsessed. That kiss had been unlike anything I'd had the past five years. Every man I'd been with since Noah now seemed like they'd been in black and white whereas Noah was vibrant colour.

But what was I supposed to do?

Yes, Noah had said some things that suggested he was feeling the same pull towards me that I was towards him, and he'd kissed me very enthusiastically, but he hadn't said anything about wanting me back. And until he did, he was still the man who had broken my heart. I had to be careful. I had to be cautious. I couldn't risk being hurt by him again. Because I had got over him once. But twice? I wasn't sure that would be possible.

I stared at my computer screen feeling that Friday feeling. I really just wanted to go home. I was tired. And I was annoyed that Noah was avoiding me. It was all very well channelling ice queen energy but if the person you were trying to ice was never around, it was a moot point. I just wanted to be alone and get into my pjs and maybe eat a lot of ice cream.

I focused on working with Georgina at the bookshop to create the perfect Halloween launch event for Bitten. I sent a brief to Emily who started to design invitations and posters, and I created a list of people to invite. I sent over everything we'd decided so far to Deborah Day and got a smiley face emoji back, so I took that as the closest thing to praise I was likely to get from her.

After lunch, the final copies of Bitten arrived in the office and the whole team helped me pile them in the boardroom with press releases and envelopes. Then I started to pack them all and put on address labels. The afternoon wore on and I was starting to get RSI from the job. The whole time, I was keeping one eye on the clock, waiting for the moment I could escape for the weekend.

But suddenly, Noah marched out of his office and shouted at everyone on the floor to come into the boardroom for an emergency meeting. I sat there with the books and looked up in surprise as everyone filed in.

Noah followed everyone in and stopped short when he saw me and the table covered in books, envelopes and paperwork.

‘What the hell is all this?'

All eyes turned to me and I tried to stay calm. ‘I'm posting out copies of Bitten – to reviewers, authors, retailers, everyone we can think of like we planned,' I said, trying to stay cheerful. ‘Do you like the envelopes?' I showed him the black envelopes I'd found and managed to get at a discount price. We were going full Halloween with the campaign now and the address labels had tiny pumpkins and bats on courtesy of Emily's design skills.

Noah looked non-plussed for a moment then gave a dismissive wave of his hand and moved to the front of the room.

‘Anyway,' he said. ‘I just heard that my father is flying in on Monday. That's Mr Matthews of Matthews Wood Publishing, so I want you stop and spend the rest of today making sure you are on top of the priorities we agreed you should be working on and are ready to answer any questions that he asks you. Because he will ask you questions. And I want everyone in the office by 8a.m. He believes that's when the day starts. And he'll expect to see us here too. If anyone is running late, don't bother coming in at all.' Noah looked around the room. ‘Go on then,' he barked, and everyone scattered.

My mouth fell open. ‘Jesus,' I muttered, and went back to my envelopes.

‘Something to say, Stevie?' Noah snapped at me.

I looked up. We were alone again. For the first time since our kiss. I wondered if Noah was as aware of that fact as I was. Probably not.

I shrugged. ‘No, boss,' I replied, sarcasm heavy.

Noah stormed to the door but then he paused and looked back. ‘This has to go well,' he said quietly.

‘You got it, boss,' I replied, carrying on with what I was doing.

‘Stevie,' he said with an exasperated sigh. ‘Can you not call me that?'

‘What else should I call you?'

He let go of the door handle, spun around and leaned on the desk opposite me. My breath hitched as I looked at the fire in his eyes.

‘You said you couldn't do this again,' he hissed.

‘Do you blame me?' I challenged.

Noah sighed. ‘No. You're right. It was a mistake.' His words pierced my gut like a knife. ‘I am just your boss.' Bitterness tinged his words but I wasn't sure if that was because he regretted that fact or just wasn't happy about having to work with me. ‘I have to focus on work. My father is not coming to see the good things here, he's looking for a reason to get rid of everyone and replace them with a team from New York. Do you want that to happen?'

‘Of course not,' I snapped back.

We stared at one another for a few seconds before I had to look away. I heard Noah exhale.

‘Good. We are on the same page,' he said finally.

I started back up stuffing envelopes, needing to do something with my hands to stop them trying to reach for him. ‘We haven't been on the same page for five years,' I replied.

‘Stevie,' Noah said then, all anger gone from his voice. He said my name like it was a wistful sigh. It made my hands still.

I held my breath for what he was going to say.

But then there was a knock on the door, and Emily edged into the boardroom cautiously, her eyes darting back and forth between us. I knew she couldn't miss the tension in the room. ‘New York are on the phone, Noah. Do you?—'

‘I'll take it,' he said, cutting her off and sweeping out.

I let out a puff of air.

‘What did I just walk into?' Emily asked, her eyebrows disappearing up into her forehead.

‘Nothing,' I mumbled, but I knew my voice didn't sound at all steady.

She looked at me for a moment. ‘Look, I've been wanting to tell you that I'm sorry. I should have backed you up about Bitten straight away. Especially when Paul was criticising romance books. I hate it when he treats love stories like they're beneath him, I always have. I guess Deborah got all our backs up. I hadn't had the time or inclination to read it but I started it yesterday, and you're right; it is really good. I'm glad you joined us here, Stevie. We can learn a lot from you.'

‘Thanks, Emily.' I sighed. ‘That is if I can keep working with Noah though.'

Right now, leaving seemed like the more attractive option but then I thought about not seeing him again and I couldn't imagine it.

‘I'm kind of in a mess,' I admitted then, both to Emily and to myself.

‘Oh, hon,' she said. ‘I know you think me and Gita are gossips but we'd never tell a secret. I won't make you tell me but I think you should think about sharing what's going on with us. I can see you're upset and I know it has something to do with Noah. Yeah, he's pissed us all off but with you, it seems different.'

When someone is nice to you when you're upset, it's really hard not to cry.

I nodded. ‘Thank you.'

I knew Noah wouldn't really want people here to know about our past but it was becoming harder each day to hide it. And it did feel like Emily and Gita would have my back.

‘Can we talk about it later?'

Emil's face lit up. ‘Drinks?'

I was exhausted but I also didn't want to go home alone. ‘Yes, please.'