Chapter 11

Chapter

Eleven

Shay was wrapped in a cocoon of Paul's strong arms. A tingly warmth from his touch spread through her body. Her mind was cloudy with intoxicating desire from his commanding yet tender lips. His kisses filled her with happiness and a future full of every good thing. Paul showed her a new world with his kisses. The sweet words he'd said to her, ‘you are my sun, moon, and stars'. That was fire. Her heart beat a happy rhythm, and the dark night was filled with sunlight.

Paul slowed the kisses down again. She felt woozy, lightheaded from the intensity of their interchange and far too gone over him to stand up straight. Paul seemed to sense that. He slid an arm under her legs and behind her back, sweeping her off her feet.

Shay clung to his strong shoulders and leaned her head into the crook of his neck. "You make me float even better than the water. "

"I like that." He tenderly kissed her forehead and then pivoted and carried her with sure strides across the loft, down the stairs, and into the living room. He settled onto the couch with her cradled against his chest.

It was dark down here, only the night lights on the stairs and in the loft giving any illumination. She wanted to keep kissing in the drowsy darkness, to stay cuddled in his arms all night.

Paul reached over and flipped on the lamp. It wasn't as bright as an overhead light, but she still blinked against the sudden brightness.

"Sorry," he whispered. "I need to look into those beguiling, teal-colored eyes while we talk."

"You are low-key flexing your romance on me," she burst out with. She wasn't certain what had changed tonight from three nights ago when he'd walked away from kissing her, but she wasn't about to second guess it. The past three days had been great being with him, but they'd both had their guard up. She was thrilled to tear that down now.

Paul chuckled at her dialogue. Then he released one hand from her back and cupped her cheek. "Oh, Shay …" He didn't finish his thought but brought his mouth down to meet hers.

She hungrily responded to his enticing lips. They kissed as the world outside his arms was pushed farther away. They could kiss all night and she wouldn't complain. Nobody and nothing could hurt her in the circle of Paul's strong arms.

Paul broke away and kissed her cheek, her chin, her neck. He trailed kisses down her neck to her collarbone. She gasped for oxygen and clung to him.

Paul pulled back and stared up at her, his dark eyes full of desire. "Shay, you are enthralling. "

"No cap, you are too," she said.

He laughed unsteadily. "What does that mean again?"

"No lie." She grinned at him.

"No lie," he repeated. Then his smile slid away, and darkness filled his eyes. "I'm ready to be done lying to you."

"Excuse me?" Her grip softened on him. Paul was lying to her? About thinking she was a little sister? They had already cleared that up.

Paul wrapped his hands around her waist and lifted her off his lap and onto the cushion next to him. She hated that abrupt breakaway. To make matters worse, he stood and paced away from the couch. He turned back and stared down at her. She'd never thought of Paul as ‘broody', but he looked it now.

"Paul?" She stood. "Are you all right?"

He nodded. "If you don't hate me when we're done, hopefully we can talk about … us."

"Hate you?" She shook her head, unable to comprehend what he was trying to say. "Paul, there is no world where I would hate you."

"I hope that's true." He pushed out a breath and clenched and unclenched his fists. "I need to clear some things up."

"Okay." She smiled encouragingly. What things? It didn't matter. She and Paul could weather anything, but her stomach churned from him saying she could hate him.

"When I was twenty-three, I was home on leave and Darian had a break from the law school. He had a friend who set us both up on blind dates with girls from Denver. His date was Carrie. I can't even remember my date's name."

She nodded for him to continue with his story, wondering what Darian's first date with Carrie had to do with anything.

"Darian and Carrie hit it off. Not long after, Carrie started emailing me. I'd been gone from home for five years at this point. I lived and breathed the military life and my team were my brothers, but it was a highlight to get an email or letter from home. After five years, it was pretty much only my parents who were consistent. Occasionally I'd hear from my sisters, Darian, and the pastor."

He paused again.

"Why did Carrie email you?" she asked. She'd been about fifteen or sixteen at the time and she remembered how Carrie had loved her brother. They'd both been at different universities in Denver so the family only saw them on weekends, but Shay thought they had a beautiful romance. She'd never seen Darian so happy.

"She reached out as a friend and I responded. We emailed almost every day throughout that year. I'd heard from my parents that Carrie and Darian were dating seriously, so I told myself we were just emailing as friends." His hands clenched into fists again. "After they got engaged, I went home for a short leave and there was a big celebration for me. I'd graduated top of my flight class; basically, I was Maverick from Top Gun." He smiled slightly.

"I remember how proud everyone was."

"Thanks." He pushed a hand through his hair and swallowed. "I'd barely walked into the park when Carrie ran at me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me."

Shay remembered hearing about it. She'd missed the actual dramatic moment.

"Did you like the kiss?" she heard herself ask, knowing that was hardly important.

"I was stunned, but there was a moment when I thought maybe she and Darian had broken up and our year of writing and developing a friendship could lead to something. I had to pull away and get some answers. The first person I saw was Darian. He was obviously furious and they were obviously not broken up. He stalked off. Everybody was watching us. Carrie whispered to me that she loved me. I had no idea what to do. I told her I didn't love her, that Darian was one of the best men I knew and she should go after him. She started crying and ran off."

He paced again. Shay watched him. Darian had claimed that Paul and Carrie had a relationship and nobody had believed him. She guessed she could see Paul's perspective that they'd only emailed and it wasn't a romantic relationship. Not from his side. Still, it was a detail he'd kept hidden from everyone.

"I had to focus on the party and greeting everybody, but I chased Darian down after. He was ticked at me, threw a couple wild punches. I let one connect to help him diffuse. He yelled at me that I was no friend of his and to leave him alone." His jaw worked. He massaged it. "I left, hoping he could calm down and we'd talk later. Carrie was waiting at my house when I got home."

"What? I thought Darian tried to chase her down at the park and she took off on a mountain bike."

He nodded. "She biked on some of the trails and then went to my parents' house."

"The trail she died on was east of your parents'."

"Yeah." He blew out a breath. "She begged me to love her. I told her I didn't; told her she shouldn't break Darian's heart. She promised she'd dump Darian to be with me. I told her we'd never be together, that I had no feelings for her, and if she dumped Darian it would be a huge mistake. She took off on the mountain bike. She was sobbing and a mess." He hung his head. " I tried to call Darian, but he'd blocked my number. I should've followed her or tracked Darian down and told him where she was. I did nothing. I went inside and ate dinner with my family. I heard later that night that they found her body." He passed a hand over his face. "I've blamed myself ever since."

Shay's stomach churned. She was trying to wrap her mind around this twist in the story and Paul's part in it. "Why didn't you tell anybody that you had a relationship with Carrie? That she came to your house and you rejected her? That you knew she was on a bike by herself and a crying mess, headed up a difficult trail at dusk?"

Paul shook his head, his dark eyes miserable. "I don't know. I wish I could change all of it. I was embarrassed and confused. I didn't want to ruin my friendship with Darian, but I did anyway. It was all a mess. I spent time with my family and then headed back to base. Should I have made a public announcement that we'd emailed and she threw herself at me and her death was ultimately my fault?" Paul didn't ask in an upset way; he was honestly asking her take on the situation.

"You never told Darian any of this?"

He shook his head.

"You should've told him everything. Before you left."

"I should have tracked him down, but I kept second guessing if it would have helped Darian to know the truth or made him more livid."

Shay didn't know. Would Darian be more angry that Carrie and Paul had emailed every day for a year, and that Paul knew she'd gone into the mountains by herself sobbing and a mess? Would it help her brother heal or just stir up more anger and blame at Paul? She honestly didn't know.

"Later on, I told the sheriff, my parents, and two different pastors about my involvement. They all told me it wasn't my fault." He shook his head. "I've tried to believe them. I've prayed for forgiveness and how to help Darian heal. Darian has blocked my phone and email address. If I ever get the chance to talk to him, I have a feeling it'll make things worse, not better."

An uneasy silence fell between them. Shay didn't know what to do, what to think.

"I'm sorry, Shay," Paul said. "I never wanted to hurt Darian, or Carrie for that matter."

"I know," she said, but it still didn't take the anguish away. "Is this why you were trying to keep your distance from me?"

He nodded shortly. "It didn't work. I want you to be my future, Shay, but I have no idea what that will look like. I don't want to drive a wedge between you and Darian, and I don't know if either of you can forgive me for what I did and for not sharing everything eleven years ago."

Shay wanted to tell him he was her future too, but she was upset and needed some time to process. Darian's entire life had been knocked off track by those events. She drew in a breath. "I need some time."

It sounded lame.

"I understand," Paul said. "I pray you can forgive me and I can make this right."

She edged away from the couch and to the stairs. "Goodnight," she murmured, not having any clue what else to say.

"Night." Paul didn't move. He watched her go with tortured eyes.

Shay turned and fled up the stairs. Tears wet her face. For Darian. For Carrie. For Paul. She'd always known her brother's lost love was a tragedy, but it felt even worse now. If Paul hadn't fostered such a deep relationship with Carrie … If he would've fo llowed her on the mountain bike or told Darian where she'd gone, Carrie might have lived. Even if Darian and Carrie hadn't married, it would still be a different world for everyone involved.

They couldn't change the past, but sadly the past could still ruin the future.