Chapter 12

Chapter

Twelve

Paul spent an absolutely miserable night. He finally tried to lay down and rest but was up before his alarm. He paced the loft area, waiting for Shay to wake up, anxious to see her and talk to her but worried she wouldn't want to see or talk to him. He felt like a defendant awaiting the judge's sentencing.

All the guilt had been dredged up again last night. It was worse seeing the shock and pain on Shay's face. What he wouldn't give to go back and never respond to Carrie's emails and even more importantly change that day and stop her from leaving on the mountain bike or get word to Darian somehow to follow her. But he couldn't. Nobody but his parents, the sheriff, his pastors, and now Shay knew about his regrets. Should he have told the entire town, forced Darian to listen to him? Taken all the blame and humiliation publicly? Would that have helped Darian or been more embarrassing for his former friend? Paul didn't know .

He did know that he'd found reasons to not get into serious relationships in the past to avoid having the conversation he'd had last night. Paul wasn't certain what it meant that the time he finally opened up was to Shay, Darian's sister. Some would say it was karma or fate. It felt like the nightmare had come full circle. Maybe he, Darian, and Shay could move past it and heal. At the same time, any other woman he dated would've had an easier time dealing with such a confession.

He hung his head. He'd dated many impressive women, but nobody had broken through his barriers like Shay had easily done. He'd laid himself bare for her and he had no idea if she could love him with this standing between them. Darian wouldn't accept him, and it could tear their family apart.

He could admit to himself that he loved her. And she might hate him and ask him to stay away after what he had admitted last night. Maybe he should be the bigger person and stay away. As soon as that thought arose, he didn't know how to push it away. Did he love Shay enough to not rip apart her family? He pushed a fist at his mouth. He'd thought the agony of Carrie's death and deaths of buddies in the military had been rough. Pushing Shay away, if she was willing to give them a chance after what he'd revealed, might kill him.

Her door opened. Shay was in a simple white sundress. She looked angelic with her golden-brown hair and her teal-colored eyes. What was in those eyes? Did she hate him?

She gave a whimper and then she ran at him, flinging herself against his chest. Paul easily caught her and held her fast. She cuddled into him, wrapping her arms tight around his back and holding on like he was a lifeline.

Paul simply held her for a few beats, then kissed her temple and whispered, "Shay? Are you all right? "

"No," she cried out. She looked up at him, her beautiful eyes bright with unshed tears. "This low-key bites."

He almost smiled at her lingo, but it did bite. Holding her close just reaffirmed how much he loved her, craved her, wanted her to be the most important person in his life, but how would they ever be together with this standing between them?

"It does bite." He pulled her in tight again and thankfully she didn't resist. With her in his arms, he felt like everything could work out. His mouth rested against her silky hair. He fought himself to stay strong and not trail kisses to her lips and forget about everything for a long time.

She hugged him fiercely and then looked up at him. It was almost a glare. It was so like Shay to express herself and be open with him.

"I'm confused and sad and …" She pulled away from him. "We need to get to the trial. Maybe after I get through that nightmare, I can deal with this one."

Paul's stomach flipped over. He didn't blame her for needing more time or needing to focus on being the star witness for a huge criminal trial in a few hours. Would she walk away from him after the trial was over?

He wouldn't force her to forgive him or give him a chance. He didn't know that he'd fully forgiven himself. He nodded. "Okay. Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be." She gave a forced smile and walked a wide arc around him and down the stairs. Paul let her go. He was sick. He'd finally admitted to something he'd hidden for years. Shouldn't the truth set him free? Instead, he felt shackled to his past mistakes and terrified they would ruin his future with Shay.