21. Hayden

21

HAYDEN

I begin to make my way through the dense forest towards my camp, my heart pounding in my chest with each passing step. I cannot believe it’s been months since I last laid eyes on Cagan, my one true love. My heart starts fluttering thinking about him, my pace quickens now with anticipation.

Halfway to my camp, I begin to worry about Amira, leaving her behind with Hera was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Though I feel some slight relief because I know I can trust Hera to keep Amira safe. Soon, my camp comes into view and my mind shifts to the reason for this journey. I need to tell Cagan about our sweet daughter Amira.

My breath catches in my throat as I step into the clearing and find it empty. The anticipation that had been building steadily within me during my journey here disappears in an instant, replaced by a hollow ache blooming in my chest.

I stand frozen, the emptiness engulfs me as I realize this reunion might forever remain a dream. Never again to feel Cagan’s strong embrace, hear his voice say my name, gaze into his golden eyes that saw my spirit like no one else could. My heart sinks like a stone, heavy with yearning and deeply wounded hope.

I wander through the deserted camp, fingers trailing over the charred fire pit and abandoned lean-to. He didn't come. My worst fear confirmed. There is no evidence Cagan has been here for a long time. Just fading remnants of the life we once shared.

I should have known when I disappeared all those months ago, he must have given up hope. My leaving wounded him too deeply and now he’s surely moved on. Grief threatens to crush me where I stand. I long to collapse and weep. To curl up on the ground clinging to memories of his embrace. But I swallow the anguish down. I cannot break, not yet. Amira is waiting for me. For her sake, I pull myself together and take a deep breath, though my heart continues crumbling inside. Slowly, I turn for home.

A week later, I find myself drawn back to our camp once more, unable to let go of the faint hope blooming in my heart that he will be there. That this time, he will have come looking for me. As I approach, the woods are eerily quiet except for the sound of my feet crunching over twigs and leaves. The silence used to be peaceful, but now it feels empty without Cagan’s deep baritone voice filling it.

Stepping into the now familiar clearing, desolation pierces my heart once again. The camp remains abandoned, exactly as I left it that first painful day. Crumpled lean-to barely standing, ashes piled in the cold fire pit, scattered belongings weathered and faded. The camp shows no signs that Cagan came here to find me, to reclaim our life together. My heart slowly breaks as I accept this painful truth.

I don't know what I expected. He surely moved on when I disappeared. But still, irrational hope blooms in my chest. Knees weak, I sink down by the blackened firewood. If I concentrate, I can almost see the ghost of our past here. Cagan grinning as he tends the crackling fire, the rich sound of his laughter, our bodies intertwined beneath the stars. The memories bring equal parts joy and ache.

Soon, the sun begins to set, casting long shadows through the trees. I know I should return to Amira before dark, but I cannot bring myself to leave just yet. Instead, I gather firewood and rekindle the flames in the pit. They crackle and spit, sending sparks dancing into the darkening sky.

Settling in for the night, I go and pick wild berries from the bushes Cagan showed me long ago. Their sweet-tart juice explodes in my mouth, vividly reminding me of him. I sit by the fire, eating berries as the stars emerge overhead.

Closing my eyes, I can almost imagine him here with me. His deep voice telling me how much he loves me, the heat of his body keeping me warm on cool nights. For a moment, the ache in my chest recedes ever so slightly. But when I open my eyes, I am alone in the firelight. The present crashing back in. He is not here, no matter how much I pretend otherwise. I begin to sob, tears pouring down my cheeks. I miss him terribly. I eventually cry myself to sleep. As the sun begins to rise the next morning, I collect myself and rush back to Amira.

Two days later, I decide I need to go back to our camp one more time. I can't quite resign myself to the fact that he is really gone. While preparing to leave the base for the camp, hushed voices reach my ears. I pause, straining to listen. Rumors of an ambush. Cagan's clan destroyed in the dead of night. My heart drops into my stomach. No. It can't be true. I hurry to find Hera, desperation clawing up my throat.

Upon finding her, I ask urgently, "Hera, what is happening? What are these rumors about Cagan's clan?"

Hera's face is solemn, her eyes filled with sadness. She takes my hand in hers. "Hayden, there was an ambush in the night. Cagan's village was raided and destroyed. There were… there were few survivors."

Her words hit me with the force of a blow. I double over, bile rising in my throat. This can't be real. Stumbling outside, I empty the contents of my stomach into the bushes.

Hera follows, rubbing my back. "Let it out," she says gently.

When the heaving stops, I straighten up, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. Tears blur my vision and stream down my cheeks.

"Are you sure he's… he's gone?" I choke out.

Hera's silence is answer enough. A sob escapes my lips and I sink to my knees. Hera kneels with me, holding me as I finally allow the grief to overwhelm me completely.

I cry until I have no tears left. Cagan is gone. My worst fears realized. And I never even had the chance to tell him about his daughter. About the love we created together. After all this time hoping he had simply left, the truth is infinitely worse. Cagan is gone. Truly gone. The tiny bubble of hope I had been clinging to pops and disappears.

I always imagined how it would feel to tell him he was a father. Played the scene over and over - his eyes lighting up with joy and pride as he held Amira for the first time. But now that can never be. My heart shatters, knowing he will never meet our beautiful daughter, the most precious gift he left behind.

My arms ache to hold him one last time. To kiss his lips and feel his strong embrace keeping me safe. I would give anything to see his smile, hear his deep laughter. The enormity of this loss knocks the breath from my lungs. I gasp and sob, drowning in unrelenting grief.

I cry out, demanding answers. Why us? Why now, just as life was taking root? Only silence answers. Forced to accept this cruel twist of fate that stole my love too soon. We deserved more time. I claw at the gaping hole in my soul, but nothing fills the emptiness where Cagan once stood.

I retreat deep into myself in the following days, going through the motions with Amira while she is awake. We often take long walks to the waterfalls during the day. Their gentle roar helps mute the screaming inside my head. To further relax, I like to sit near the waterfalls and close my eyes, letting the cold mist coat my skin. In my mind, Cagan stands before me, water droplets clinging to his muscular frame. He grins and pulls me close. I cling to him, gently kissing his lips. His hands cup my face as his golden eyes gaze deeply into mine.

For a few blissful moments, I can pretend he was never ripped away from us. That our life together continues on as it was always meant to be. But as the visions fade, the crushing weight of reality returns. I am alone and he is forever gone. Only in my whispered memories and deepest longings does his spirit still reach out to touch mine. A ghostly echo of the passionate love we once shared.

Nighttime is the worst. As Amira drifts off to sleep, the torment of losing Cagan rages stronger. Laying in the darkness, tears pour down my face, while endless questions fill my mind. What will I do now? How can I go on without Cagan? How can I raise Amira alone?

The future looms ahead, a desolate wasteland without Cagan's love to guide me. My chest tightens thinking of all the moments he will miss - Amira's first steps, her first words, watching her grow. She needs a father's nurturing and wisdom, things I cannot provide alone.

Doubt festers in my mind, whispering I will fail her as others failed me. Some nights these poisonous thoughts overpower me, threatening to pull me under. But then I feel Amira stir beside me. She grounds me when I feel myself slipping away into the abyss.

I must endure for this innocent life we created together. In her, I see Cagan's spirit living on. For both of them, I will find the strength to go on. Their love will guide me through the darkness.