52. Tammy

CHAPTER 52

TAMMY

Hudson texted me to say he'd be home late because a last-minute meeting came up. I paced the floor, wondering if that was the truth.

Is he really in a meeting?

Ugh, am I ever going to be able to trust him again?

Give yourself a break. He cheated on you!

I nod, gripping my arms and trying to lean into that fact, yet unable to ignore the question that's been nagging me.

Why'd he cheat?

If our marriage was so awesome and happy and wonderful… why'd he need to cheat?

The truth is simple…

Our marriage wasn't any of the things it should be.

I'd just been too afraid to admit it to myself, to him… to anyone.

I didn't want to think about what it might mean to leave him. How difficult it would be for Kai. How terrifying it would be to step out into the big, bad world alone.

But now that I've done it for a short time…

Now that I'm back…

I can't keep denying this truth.

If I stay, I'm gonna die.

I'm going to shrivel into a soulless robot. And what kind of mother will I be for Kai?

He deserves my joy, doesn't he?

He deserves a mother who is energized by life and love and hope.

I can't be those things if I stay. The amount of effort it's taking me to play "happy mommy" is only getting greater. It'll wane, and then what will he be left with?

My throat swells, acid burning my windpipe as I try to swallow and come to terms with this.

When I drove away in shock after I caught Hudson and that woman, I hadn't really thought all of this through.

But I've had all afternoon and evening to mull this over.

And now I can face it with logic.

I just wish logic didn't feel so damn scary.

The garage door starts to whir, and I tense, staring at the internal door like a deer in headlights. Even when it pops open and Hudson appears looking end-of-the-day tired, I can't move.

"Sorry I'm late," he's muttering. "Had to go for drinks with a client after my meeting and then…" He gives me a confused frown, dumping his keys in the bowl on the counter. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

I can feel the color draining from my face.

Is this it?

Is this really happening?

But what about Kai?

I start to panic, terror ripping through me at the idea of an impending court case. Does Kai want to leave? What if he begs to stay with Daddy? What if?—

"Tam." Hudson clicks his fingers in my face.

I flinch, snapping out of it.

I can smell the alcohol on his breath as he leans down and lightly kisses my cheek. I go stiff, then quickly shift away from him, stepping into the kitchen.

"Seriously, what is wrong with you?" He glances around. "Is Kai in bed?

"Yeah, I settled him about an hour ago," I mumble, irritated that he doesn't know his son's routine.

It might be irrational. It's not like he's around to know it.

The thought burns bright in my mind, and I end up slapping the fridge closed after opening it.

Hudson pulls off his tie with a weary groan. "Okay, what? What have I done now?"

"Nothing." I shake my head, then frown. "Why would you ask that?"

"Because you look pissed… or something. Do you not believe that I was with a client? Because I was. Had to sit through the guy's long-ass tirade on some political shit while smiling like I wanted to be there. I wasn't off with some woman, okay? You've got to trust me, Tam. I told you I wouldn't cheat on you again, and I meant it."

I bite my lips together and cross my arms, staring at the floor and willing myself to say it.

Just say it!

"I don't think I can do this."

"Do what?"

My eyes sting with tears as I look back at his face. "Stay."

His lips pinch into a hard line. Resting his hands on his hips, he mutters under his breath. "It's been less than week. You've barely tried!"

"I don't want to try." My voice is so soft in contrast to his barking, and I wish I could be stronger.

"Is this because of Baxter?" he growls. "I knew that guy was going to ruin everything."

"This has nothing to do with Baxter." And part of me knows I need that to be true. I can't leave Hudson just to be with Baxter. I need to leave him for me. I need to walk out that door knowing I'm risking single motherhood for the rest of my life. There's no guarantee Baxter will want me back. He told me to go. He walked away.

But you're the only girl he's ever wanted! He's always been yours.

I snap my eyes shut against his sweet face when he said those words to me. I can't think about that right now. This decision has to be made because… "We never should have gotten married."

I open my eyes in time to see Hudson clench his jaw and look away from me.

My stomach starts to hurt. "I'm sorry, but you know I'm right. If I hadn't gotten pregnant?—"

"I would have asked you after college."

"How do you know? Neither of us went to college. We lost our chance of growing up and figuring out who we wanted to be. We were thrust into adulthood with zero say in the matter. Your parents found you your job with your uncle. They helped finance this house. Everything has been decided for us."

"You could have said no when I proposed."

"In front of the whole school? Are you kidding me?" I shoot him an incredulous look. "There was no way our parents would have accepted anything other than our marriage. And for a fleeting second, I thought it just might work. I thought I could settle and be the wife you needed me to be. But then…" I tip my head with a hopeless frown.

"Then what!" He starts pacing.

I let out a sad sigh. "The closer we got to Kai's birth, the tenser you became. And then after he was born…" I shook my head. "You didn't want to be a father at nineteen. It's okay to admit that."

His face bunches into a deep scowl.

"And working your ass off all the time, just to avoid having to be a parent, is wearing you down. And it's wearing me down. We need to stop playing pretend."

"I'm not pretending," he snaps.

"Hudson," I whisper. "You cheated on me. And—" I hold up my finger to stop him from interrupting. "You wouldn't have done that if things between us were great and wonderful… and the way they should be. You were looking for an out. Whether it's conscious or not… you want an out."

He's shaking his head but not verbally disagreeing with me.

Maybe deep down he knows he'd be lying if he tried.

I'm right. I can feel it in my core as my courage builds and I say the things we both need to hear.

"It's okay to fail at a marriage that was forced onto us. We shouldn't feel guilty about that."

"You're my wife," he murmurs. "That's supposed to be a lifelong thing."

"Yeah." I nod. "It is. But not when it's killing you."

His eyes flash with something I can't decipher. I don't know if he's livid or hurt or disappointed—maybe all three.

Sucking in a ragged breath, he rests his hand on the counter and mutters, "You really going to leave me?"

"I think I should. For both our sakes."

He works his jaw to the side, nodding and staring at the wall before finally saying, "Fine. Do what you want. But I'm keeping Kai."

"What?" The word is more of a squeak than anything. He can't be serious. "You… you don't even want him!"

"He's mine."

"That's not the point!" I start to yell. "He's mine too. And I'm the one who's raising him! He barely sees you! You work all the time. Who's supposed to look after him?"

"I'll get a nanny."

My eyes bulge, my head jerking back in horror. "My son is not being raised by a nanny when he has a perfectly good mother who will give him everything he needs and more. You are not taking my son away from me."

"And you're not taking him away from me!" he thunders back. "Which means you have to stay!"

My shoulders deflate as I stare at him with a pitying frown. "You're seriously blackmailing me to stay?"

His nostrils flare.

"Why? Why would you want to be married to someone who doesn't even want to be here?"

My words hurt him, and I hate myself for it, but this needs to be said.

"Please," I whisper. "Be reasonable."

With a stiff shake of his head, he snatches his tie off the kitchen counter and stalks out of the room.

I'm too numb to move.

This can't be the end of our conversation.

But do you think I have the energy to keep it going right now?

I guess a small part of me was hoping I could pack my bags and walk out the door tonight. Maybe I still could, but I can't imagine Hudson letting me take Kai without a fight. I won't put my son through that trauma.

My freedom is going to have to wait.

Looks like I'll be fighting for my kid before I can finally leave this house.

I just pray I have the strength to withstand what's coming my way.