53. Baxter

CHAPTER 53

BAXTER

It's time to head home. After my outburst on Main Street yesterday, Gladstone is abuzz with gossip of the troublesome Brown kid. I feel kind of bad for Dad as I pack my stuff.

He hands me the box I had hidden under my bed. I don't know why I want to take it with me. It's not like I could look through it before, but I'm shoving it in the back of my truck anyway.

Dad buries his hands in his pockets while he watches me, and I can feel his sad gaze on my back.

With a heavy sigh, I close the trunk and turn to face him. "I'm really sorry if you're gonna get heat over this."

He shrugs. "Don't worry about it. I learned a long time ago not to take any notice."

I wince, studying his lined face. He's gotten so much older since Mom died.

"Why do you stay?" I whisper. "How can you stand it?"

His laughter is soft and humorless, but then he looks up at the house and his eyes get all misty. "She's here, Bax. All the best memories I have of her are within those walls. And I can't leave her."

My heart hurts for him, and I push off the truck, walking toward him and lightly taking his shoulders. I don't remember when I got taller than him, but somehow our positions suddenly feel so different.

"You've still got so much life left to live. And those memories will go with you no matter where you are. I mean…" I run my tongue over my teeth and force myself to say, "Maybe it's time to let go. Move on."

His gaze is bright as he grasps my elbows and murmurs, "I could say the same thing to you."

I let him go, stepping back and crossing my arms.

"When you love her… you love her, you know? I don't want to let go." He shrugs. "She's the only woman I've ever been with. The only one I've ever loved. And I'm okay with that." His smile grows genuine, his eyes warm with affection. "So, I'm staying."

I let out a wry laugh and shake my head. "And I'll keep coming back to visit."

He grins and pulls me in for a hug. We slap each other on the back a few times, and he promises to come to Nolan next time.

"I'll make sure you get one of the nicest rooms in the house." I wink, and Dad lifts his hand with a broad smile.

"I'm gonna hold you to that, son."

Getting behind the wheel, I start the engine and idle for a minute, not quite ready to pull away.

Confusion flickers across Dad's face as he steps up to the truck. I lower the window, and he leans his hands against the frame.

"Did I do the right thing?" I murmur.

"That email you wrote sounded real good to me." He nods. "The ball's in her court now."

"What if she doesn't take it?"

Dad's smile is sad as he pats me on the shoulder. "Have a little faith, son. These things have a way of working out. I don't think God brought her back into your life for no good reason." With a stiff nod, he steps away from my car, and I pull out of the driveway, wondering if he's right.

Mom was always such a big believer in the divine. She always talked about how God was watching out for us and had our backs.

"He wants to make our dreams come true. And He will… if we just get out of the way and let Him." She'd wink, and I'd believe her.

Until the day she was snatched away so suddenly.

With the love of my life marrying some other guy and then Mom being taken, I lost all faith in some supernatural power.

But maybe it's always been there, just waiting for me to wake up… open up… again.

I suck in a shaky breath as I leave Gladstone in my rearview mirror.

It's time to head back to Nolan and slip into the life I've established for myself. My Mini Mites need me, and I kinda love being the handyman at Ponderosa. As I reflect on my time since graduation, I realize how content I really have been. I love my hockey family… but it wasn't until Tammy and Kai walked through that door that I really came alive again.

Damn, I miss them with an ache that's overpowering.

But I sent my email.

And now I've just got to… "Have some faith," I murmur, willing my heart to believe it.

My phone starts buzzing with texts.

It's Ethan, checking up on me.

I smile and decide to be a good boy and call rather than doing the whole texting/driving thing.

"Hey, man." Ethan's voice is upbeat.

"Put him on speaker," Mick chirps in the background.

Ethan does as he's told, and soon a chorus of greetings is reaching me.

I grin. "Hey guys."

"Where you at, brother?" Casey asks me.

"I'm just heading home. Should be there by Friday. You guys gonna be around, or do you have an away game?"

"Home game this weekend," Liam calls. "You should come."

"Yeah, I will, man. For sure." My voice sounds brighter. I can hear it, and it makes me smile to realize how much I've been subconsciously missing my friends.

"So… uh… how are you doing?"

Trust Lani to cut through the bullshit and get straight to the point.

I sigh and struggle to know what to say.

"Baxter?" Rachel's voice sounds farther away but then gets closer. "You still there?"

"Yeah, just trying to figure out how to answer Lani's question."

"You don't have to, man," Asher assures me, and then I hear a soft "Ow. Well, he doesn't."

"You're not helping," Lani argues. "He needs to learn to talk about his feelings. Don't give him an easy out."

"Says the woman who is allergic to conversations like this."

"I am getting way better, okay? And you know how I've gotten better?" Her voice gets sharp and snappy. "Because assholes like you make me talk about my feelings!"

Asher chuckles, his voice getting low and husky. "I only do it 'cuz I love you, boo."

"Exactly. And we all love Baxter, so talk, big man. What are you feeling right now?"

I laugh. "Amusement at listening to you two fight over how great you are for each other."

Mick snorts. "He's got you there. You two are ridiculous. Seriously, you guys can argue over an agreement."

"Takes one to know one." I can picture Lani's eyes bulging. "You and Ethan are the worst! You're constantly bickering."

"Yeah, but in that cute, fun, playful, couple goals kind of way."

Ethan laughs. "It's just so impossibly hard not to tease her when she's such a cute lil' mouse."

"Would you stop booping me on the nose!"

I hear a raucous laugh and then a clatter. I can only assume that Mick has somehow launched herself at Ethan, and they are no doubt wrestling on the floor or something.

Rachel starts laughing. "You guys! Baxter!"

"Oh yeah," Ethan calls from farther away. "We're here for you, man." Mick lets out a squeal, and he keeps talking like he's not tickle-torturing her or whatever he's doing. "How you holding up?"

"I'm okay."

I'm about to wait out their play fight, but then Lani's in my ear again. "Have you heard from Tammy?"

"No." I shake my head.

"She keeps calling to check in on you," Rachel tells me.

My stomach pinches with… what? Hope?

"I think she's really worried about you."

"Yeah, well, I'm worried about her too. She shouldn't have gone back to that douche nugget."

"Preach it!" Casey shouts.

"So, what are you going to do about it, then?" Lani asks.

"Well, I… sent her an email. Telling her what I think and how I feel and…"

"You told her how you feel?" Rachel's voice is bright with enthusiasm. "Yay you!"

"Thanks, yeah…" I chuckle. "I guess I just have to wait to hear back from her."

"You should go get her," Ethan interjects.

"I can't just rock up on her doorstep."

"Why not?" Mick asks.

"Well, because… she's married."

"To the wrong guy."

"Yeah, but… it's her choice what she wants to do. I've told her I'll be there for her no matter what she decides. If she wants to stay with him, then I can't go breaking up a happy home."

"As long as it's happy, I get that…" Lani sighs. "But Bax… do you really think she's happy?"

"No." I check my mirrors, then change lanes. "Although I don't know if that's me just wishing she wasn't so she could have a good excuse to leave and be with me. But?—"

"No buts," Liam cuts me off. "You didn't see it because you were too busy being in the moment, but I'm telling you, man. You two have that thing."

"What thing?"

"That soulmate thing. That perfect vibe. I say you go get your girl."

I grip the wheel, an adrenaline surge pumping through me at the very idea of that.

"What if he shows up and she's like ‘No, thanks.' Won't that be more painful?" Caroline asks. "I mean, the romantic in me is saying go for it, Bax. Seriously, I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I just… I hate the idea of you getting more hurt over this, you know?"

"Yeah, I hear ya." I nod. "I appreciate that. Thanks."

"If he shows up and she says no, then he comes home, but at least he has closure." Liam's head must be turned toward Caroline or something, because his words aren't as clear, but I can still hear them.

They ring through me, and it's kind of nice to know that if my life falls to total shit, then at least I still have these guys.

"Hey, man, at the end of the day, the choice is yours. We'll support whatever you decide," Asher assures me.

"I know."

"But you should go get your girl." He laughs. "I know it's probably terrifying, but it's not like you're showing up there to steal her away. If she says no, you come home."

"And what about Kai?" I murmur. "Gotta factor him into this mess. What if he wants to stay with his dad?"

"He's gonna want to be with his mother," Rachel says. "I can assure you. Those two are tight, and by the sound of things, his dad's not around much anyway."

"I just hate the idea of him having to deal with a broken home."

"Kids do it all the time, and it doesn't mess all of them up," Caroline tells me. "As adults, you can keep it amicable and make it work for his benefit. You're all mature enough to do that, right?"

"Not sure Hudson is," I mutter.

"Well, you'll just have to make him see reason."

"I think he's threatening some hideous custody battle if she tries to leave him."

"Well, lucky for her, my dad's lawyers have kick-ass connections," Asher tells me. "We'll find her the best divorce lawyer in the country."

"It's true," Lani agrees. "The lawyers they organized for me were freaking amazing with the whole Harvey thing. It hasn't even gone to trial thanks to them. Harvey's doing his time, and I—and every other girl he's hurt—can rest easy."

I'm so relieved it worked out that way for her.

"Just rest assured that we have contacts, and if Hudson decides to be a total asswipe, then Tammy's going to get the support she needs to battle this out."

"Yeah." I nod.

"And if it helps, you go ahead and tell her that."

There's a long pause, and I don't know how to fill it. I can picture them all around the table, exchanging worried frowns. I get it. This situation sucks. Turning up at her door might be romantic and all, but there's a whole shit ton of ugly we'll have to wade through in order to be together.

If she wants me.

"Hey, Bax?" Ethan's voice is deep and sincere.

"Yeah, man."

"Sometimes the greatest pain comes before the biggest blessings, you know?"

"Wow," Mick whispers. "Baby, that's deep."

"I know it's not on the same scale or anything, but the shit we went through before we finally got together fucking sucked. But then I got to be with you, and… it was all worth it."

"Aw." Mick's voice gets all mushy, and I think they're kissing now.

"Yeah, okay. You two, your bedroom's upstairs," Lani mutters. "Seriously, why do they always make us watch this?"

"Because they have zero idea that there are other people in the room right now." Asher's tone is dry, and Rachel starts giggling.

I shake my head with a grin and hang up, which I'm sure nobody even notices.

Staring at the long road ahead, I navigate the highway back to Nolan, wondering the whole time if my friends are right.

Should I just show up at Tammy's door?

Shit, I don't even know where she lives.

But I could find out easily enough, right?

I could find out… and then I could change the course of our lives for good.

It'll either be my chance to get her back… or let her go.