50. Tammy

CHAPTER 50

TAMMY

Kai was so exhausted after a busy playdate that I had no choice but to put him to bed for an afternoon nap. He doesn't usually sleep in the afternoon anymore, but he was lethally grumpy, no doubt spent after an entire morning of interacting with other little people. He's an introvert at heart, and I must remember that shorter playdates work better for him.

We could have avoided the meltdown while buckling him into the car if I'd just left an hour earlier.

Wiping down the kitchen counter, I ring out the cloth, then drape it over the edge of the sink to dry. I've got some laundry to fold while he's sleeping, and maybe I should get a head start on dinner prep. Anything has to be better than last night's frosty meal. The food was hot, but the atmosphere was glacial. Hudson barely spoke, and I had to work overtime, forcing conversation for the sake of Kai.

I guess I'm not used to having Hudson around at mealtimes. He usually works until after eight or goes out for "business meetings"—a.k.a. drinks at the bar with clients. Kai is always settled for the night when he gets home. More often than not, he's already eaten, so he'll walk in the door, pulling off his tie and settling on the couch for some TV time and a glass of bourbon.

That worked for us for so long, because it meant we didn't need to interact too much.

But now he's putting in all this effort, and it's making things so much harder.

Thankfully, he's at work right now, and half of me is hoping he'll text to say he's going to be late.

My stomach pinches at the thought of that message popping up on my screen.

Is he ever really working late?

Or is he meeting up with some blonde with big, pinchable boobs?

I snap my eyes shut, not even wanting to think about it. Or consider the fact that I'm hoping my husband will get home late. What kind of wife does that make me? What kind of couple does that make us?

The phone starts ringing, and I'm almost relieved for the interruption, until I hear Mrs. Clark's voice down the line.

"Ah, Tamara. Glad to hear you answering the phone, dear. Hudson told me you were back." Her tone could not be more unimpressed if she tried.

"Hi, Lydia. What can I do for you?"

"Can't a mother-in-law simply call to say hello?"

Yes, she absolutely can, but you never actually do.

I force out a laugh, hoping it sounds cheerful enough.

"Is Kai there?"

"He's sleeping."

"Oh really? An afternoon nap? Isn't he a little old for that?"

My insides simmer, but I work hard to keep my voice light and unaffected. "He was exhausted after a very busy morning. He doesn't usually nap, but on the odd day, things catch up with him."

"I see. Have you been keeping him up too late at night, then?"

"No." I grit my teeth. "His bedtime is pretty routine."

"Even when you were on an extended vacation with him? I know how a lack of routine can really throw a child. Hudson was always such a great sleeper because I made sure I didn't throw him off course too often."

I clear my throat, desperate to get out of this conversation. "So, did I tell you I found a cute little costume for Halloween? Kai's going as a hockey player. He was so insistent, I couldn't talk him into anything else." Is my laughter bright enough? I feel like my heart is being squeezed to a pulp. When Kai asked to go as Casey Pierce, I nearly started bawling in the Walmart costume aisle. "But I managed to find him a jersey that fit, then bought him a little stick and helmet. He looks adorable all dressed up. I'll send you a photo tomorrow night."

"A hockey player. Well, that's new. You'd think he'd want to go as a guitarist like his dad used to be."

"Maybe next year," I rasp, doing whatever it takes to appease this woman and get her off the phone.

"Well, I should hope so. It seems more appropriate that he'd want to emulate his father."

"He's only ever seen his father in a business suit." My voice is flat. "Hudson never plays the guitar anymore."

"Well, that's a shame. You must make sure he does. That'll be good for Kai."

"I'm sure it would, but Hudson works long hours and doesn't have much time. When he is home, he…" Doesn't want to play with his son.

The words fall through my body like bricks, wounding and bruising me on their descent.

Clenching my jaw, I try to will the tears away.

What the fuck am I doing?

Why am I still here?

Why did Hudson even want us back?

"Yes, well, I know Hudson wants to do everything in his power to ensure you two are well taken care of. He's a hardworking, good-hearted man. He's sacrificed so much for you two."

I can't help a soft scoff.

I don't mean to release it and instantly regret it when I do.

"Excuse me?" Lydia's stone-cold question makes my insides shudder.

Clearing my throat, I try to brush it off. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

"You just scoffed. Do you not think your husband is a good, kind man who works hard for you?"

"I think he works very hard," I manage.

I think he works hard so he doesn't have to come home and deal with his family.

"He would do anything for his family, Tamara. He would fight any battle he had to. He loves you too much to just let you walk away."

The words fight any battle ring in my ears, the underlying threat impossible to miss. I clutch the phone, swaying on my feet and having to lean my hip against the counter for support.

"It would be foolish of you to leave him again. You are his wife, and you promised to love him until the day you die. I sat there and watched you share your vows, young lady."

Anger bursts through me in a fiery spray, stealing all common sense along with it. "Did you hear him say his vows too?"

"What?"

"You know, the part about being faithful."

"He has always been faithful to you."

"No, Lydia. He hasn't."

The truth is ugly and sits between us for an awkward beat that's painful.

"Okay, fine. But it was one small mistake," she sputters. "A tiny lapse in judgment, which he is very sorry for. And he wanted to make amends immediately, but you wouldn't let him. You just took off with his son and ignored him."

I squeeze my eyes shut, my head bobbing erratically. "Have you ever walked in on your husband fucking someone else?" My tone gets sharp and snappy, and my usual shock at saying something so bold to my mother-in-law is nowhere to be found.

Lydia gasps, no doubt clutching her pearl necklace as I bark at her.

"It's not pleasant. So rather than berating me for walking out the door, you should be praising me for having the courage to walk back through it!" I hang up before she can respond, my chest heaving as I try to bring my senses back online.

Oh shit, what have I done?

And why does the word courage keep hitting me over the head? Why did it taste like acid in my mouth?

Was walking back through that door really so courageous?

Because right now… it doesn't feel like it.

Right now, it feels like I took the easy out. I've given up on the things I truly want the most. For what? A loveless marriage? Because I'm scared of a custody battle?

Resting my hands on the counter, I stare at the expensive granite and shake my head. Who gives a shit how expensive my kitchen is? How nice my house is?

Is this really my life now? Endless days of living in this fancy house with a husband I don't even want to be around?

I'm doing this for Kai, but… what will become of me if I stay?

"I don't know if I can do this anymore," I whisper, tears flooding my eyes. "I don't think I can." My voice catches as my stomach jerks with a sob. "I don't think I can."