49. Baxter

CHAPTER 49

BAXTER

The sky is overcast, the chilly wind whistling down my collar and catching the ends of my hair. I pull my beanie down a little lower and hunch my shoulders, tramping over the wet grass and fallen leaves until I reach Mom's gravesite.

Crouching down, I brush the dead leaves away, cleaning up her plot and tracing the letters of her name engraved on the headstone.

"Hey, Mom," I whisper, my soul heavy and sore as I find a perch on the grass. My ass will get wet, but I don't even care. "It's been a while." I hook my elbows onto the top of my knees and stare at her inscription. "Dad's good. He asked me to say hi. We've been hanging out at the house a lot, just… you know." I shrug. She does. Dad's convinced she's watching over us, and I like to believe that, too, so she would have heard every conversation and seen every quiet evening watching hockey on TV and not talking at all.

I work my jaw to the side, wondering why I'm even here if I'm just gonna sit and say nothing. I'm so fucking good at that.

I can bleed ink straight from my heart to a page, but do you think I can say anything aloud?

It's a curse. The words get all jumbled in my throat, and I can't get them out… or I say the wrong thing.

And then the woman I love walks away from me thinking I wanted her to go.

My fingers are trembling as I rub my forehead.

"Dad thinks you'd be stoked that I finally hooked up with TT. You always loved her. And I think you knew how much I loved her too."

"I did." I can see Mom's smile and hear the way she'd answer me.

It brings comfort and despair in equal measure.

"I feel like such a coward sometimes, you know? Like I look back, and I have so many regrets. Why couldn't I tell her how I felt? Why couldn't I tell her to forget Hudson and be with me instead?"

Silence.

It's long and thick and hollow.

Clenching my jaw, I sniff and force myself to talk some more. "I think maybe I was scared that if I tried, she'd tell me she didn't want me, and I just… I couldn't handle that, you know? So I convinced myself that she was happy with Hudson, that she loved him more than she could ever love me." Now my jaw's shaking, the words sounding raspy as I force them from my mouth. "But after spending that time with her in Nolan… the way we were together… what if I was wrong? What if she could love me as much as I love her?"

The breeze picks up and I snap my eyes shut, stiffening my body against the chill.

"But is it right to break up a marriage? To pull apart a happy home?"

He cheated on her. Were they really that happy?

"He made one mistake." I scratch my chin.

Why the fuck am I standing up for this guy?

I frown, glaring at the ground.

You'd never cheat on her. Not ever. You know you wouldn't.

My eyes dart to the gravestone again, and I think about how happy my parents always seemed to be. They were so honest with each other. They laughed together all the time. They told each other every embarrassing secret they had. I'm sure they did, because they knew they wouldn't be judged for it.

My house was a judgment-free zone. It was like this little safety bubble in the middle of Gladstone. That's why Tammy loved coming over so much. She could be herself…

She could just exist, and that was always enough.

"I wish I could tell her that," I whisper to Mom. "Tell her that she's enough just the way she is. That she wouldn't have to change one little thing for me." I purse my lips, emotion rising in me so thick and strong, I feel like I'm on the verge of splintering… or drowning in an ocean of tears.

Yes, that's melodramatic, but… it kind of feels true.

I'm drowning in my own misery.

"I love her." I sniff, battling the burn of tears in my eyes and nose. "I should have told her. I shouldn't have said that going back to him was for the best. Marriage is supposed to be this sacred vow. I know it is. And yeah, people say you have to work at it. That it's a lifelong commitment. But does that rule still apply when it never should have happened in the first place?"

The breeze tickles my neck and I rub at the spot, pulling my collar up.

"Why did she marry him, Mom? Was it just because she was pregnant? Or did she want it? Did she want him to be her husband?" I shake my head, remembering Hudson's big proposal on the field. He'd hooked up the marching band to play her this song at the end of the pep rally. The girls in the stands all swooned as he surprised Tammy and got down on one knee. The place erupted with cheers, and all I could do was stand there as my heart shattered into tiny little pieces. She smiled down at him, bit her bottom lip, and then nodded like she meant it.

I thought she loved him the way I loved her.

But what if I was wrong?

What if…?

"What if I was wrong ?" I stand, brushing off the back of my pants and heading for my car. I'm running by the time I reach it, crashing into the driver's door before wrenching it open.

I don't know what the fuck has come over me, but there's this urgent insistence pulsing through my veins as I grab my phone and start googling. It doesn't take me long to track down Tammy's old high school girlfriends. One of them still lives in Gladstone, and I call Grace before I can change my mind.

"Hello?"

"Uh… hi." I clear my throat.

"Who is this?"

"It's, um…"

Silence. I can't seem to fill it, and things are quickly getting awkward.

Grace lets out an impatient little huff, and I blurt my name before she can hang up on me.

"Baxter? As in Baxter Brown?"

"Yeah." I nod, then hold my breath.

"Wow. Are you in town or something?"

"Yep. Visiting my dad."

"Cool." Her voice picks up, her usually friendly tone returning in an instant. "So, why are you calling me? I haven't seen you since graduation. I'm really sorry about your mom, by the way."

"Yeah, I…" Glancing into the cemetery, I take in the light fall of rain and nod. "Thanks. I just, uh…" Biting my bottom lip, I try to think how to make this call worth the effort.

Start with the truth.

"I was just… calling about Tammy. You still see her?"

The silence that follows my question makes me squirm before she finally says, with a smile in her voice, "Yeah, we catch up whenever she comes to town. I saw her a few weeks ago, with Kai."

"Cool." I nod, then realize when she doesn't offer anything else that I probably need to ask another question. Shit! Why is conversation so fucking hard? "Yeah, I just… uh, I was thinking about her. Remembering, you know… high school." I wince.

"High school. Good times." Grace is smiling again, I can hear it… but then she goes quiet, waiting for me to get to the fucking point!

"Is she happily married?" My voice breaks as I blurt out the question. "I mean… did she want to get married? Is she… are they happy?"

There's a pregnant pause that hurts every one of my senses before Grace lets out a soft laugh. "You're still in love with her, aren't you?"

I release a sigh, my chest deflating as I close my eyes and croak, "Always and forever."

"Kind of wish you'd told her back then."

My heart stutters with surprise, and my eyes ping open. "You do?"

"Well, yeah. You were the sweetest and… her best friend. It always made me so sad that you guys drifted apart. You were each other's favorite. And then… you were nothing."

"It kills me," I rasp. "Do you think she would have gotten married if I'd… told her how I felt?"

"Um… well, maybe." Grace lets out a sad sigh. "Truth is… their parents made them. They really didn't have a choice. There was no way in hell Tamara Tan was gonna have a baby out of wedlock. You know how strict and old-fashioned her parents are. They came down hard. And Hudson's parents weren't any better. They would have done anything to save face, which is why they pushed for such a fast wedding. We were all smart enough to figure it out when she started showing so soon, but before then…" She lets out a laugh that sounds more cynical than anything else. "We were all young, dumb romantics who could only imagine the perfect fairy tale, right? They were the golden couple."

"But were they? Really?"

"They sure seemed like it… back then."

"You don't think so anymore, though, do you?"

Grace sighs. "I don't know what I think, to be honest. Tammy just… She's lost her spark. You can tell she loves being a mother, but whenever conversation turns to Hudson, she just gets this brave smile on her face."

My eyebrows flicker. "And how long has it been like that?"

"I don't know. Ever since they moved to the city… or maybe since Kai was born? I just don't think marriage has been as easy as she'd hoped. I think, maybe if she hadn't gotten pregnant and she'd gone off to college… maybe she and Hudson would have drifted apart naturally. Eighteen is stupidly young to get married, right? You don't even really know who you are. And she never got a chance to find out." Grace sounds sadder and sadder the more she keeps talking. "It just breaks my heart that it all panned out the way it did. She never even had a chance, you know? And now she's locked in."

"She doesn't have to be locked in, though, does she?"

"Baxter, come on." Grace lets out a pitiful laugh. "She's Tamara Tan. Her parents will never forgive her if she divorces her husband. And can you imagine the meltdown the Clarks will have? Good God, that would be thermonuclear. There's no way those four parents are going to let their children break up."

"But Tammy and Hudson are adults now. They can do whatever they like." Anger simmers through me as I spit out the words.

Grace scoffs. "Bax, the Tans and the Clarks are not like your parents. They're Gladstone parents. They're controlling and manipulative, and they will peck away at Tammy until there is nothing left. No matter how old she gets, they're always gonna be up in her grill making her feel bad about her life choices. Could you honestly live with that?"

"What, so she just has to settle for a life of purgatory? That's not fair!"

"Tell that to the Tans," she huffs. "Look, I don't know why you're suddenly asking all of this stuff, and I probably shouldn't have told you that Tammy seems sad. I don't want you to worry. I know how much you care about her."

"Grace, she's my girl. She always has been. She always will be. I need to know she's happy."

There's a long, drawn-out silence. It's filled with sadness and lost hope.

"Oh, Bax," Grace finally whispers, her voice wobbling. "I wish you'd told her that when it wasn't too late."

"I have told her that," I whisper, forgetting she can hear me.

"When?"

"Last week, when she was staying with me in Nolan. I told her… and she still went back to him."

"She left Hudson?" Her voice picks up. "How? Why? When?"

"A few weeks back. Must have been just after her visit to Gladstone. She found out he was cheating on her."

Grace gasps. "Oh my gosh, that's huge! She must be so relieved. She's got the perfect excuse to leave him now!"

"She went back to him, Grace." My voice sounds as dead as I feel.

"But why would she—" She gasps again. "Kai. Hudson must be threatening to take Kai from her or something. She'd do anything for her boy. She'd give up everything for him. That's got to be it. She knows that if she tries to divorce Hudson, the Clarks will make her life hell, and her parents will be no help either. You should hear them going on about how wealthy Hudson is and what a good life he's giving their daughter. They never got that marriage was supposed to be about love, too, because their marriage is so freaking duty-bound." She lets out a disgusted huff. "She's probably making this huge sacrifice so that Kai isn't put through a custody battle or forced to choose between his parents. She's doing all this to protect him." Her voice quakes, and I wonder if she's about to start crying. Grace always was a softy. "Baxter, I don't know what you can do, but… maybe this might help you understand why she's gone back to him. She probably feels like she's got no choice."