48. Tammy

CHAPTER 48

TAMMY

"I don't suppose you've heard from Baxter?" I ask, my insides roiling as I wait for a response. I shouldn't even be asking, but I can't help myself. The number of times I've pulled out my phone and stared at his contact details.

But I haven't had the courage to call him.

I shouldn't.

He's my friend, but… for those fleeting few days, he was so much more. My heart hurts every time I think about it.

Rachel clears her throat. "He's texted a few times, but…" Her voice is soft through the phone, and I press it closer to my ear, wishing I was sitting in the kitchen at Ponderosa and helping her prepare food while we chatted. She always made me feel so comfortable and at ease.

I want to be back there with a desperate pull that's overwhelming.

But I made the right choice for my son.

Right?

Kai and I are trying to settle back into our normal routine. I took him to an indoor playground yesterday—the big one he loves so much—and watched him have fun on the slides and in the ball pit. I even made myself jump in with him, pretending to be a sea monster and crawling through the plastic balls with growls while he giggled and shouted at his imaginary crew. "Don't let the sea monster sink our ship!"

It was a sweet moment of reprieve. Kai's laughter is the best sound in the world.

It's taking a lot of energy to be the playful mother I used to be, but I have to keep doing it—hiding my pain for the sake of my son.

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be meeting up with another mom from the Skip-A-Doo music class Kai and I attend on Fridays. We're going to the library together so Kai can get out some new picture books. It'll be great. I have to make it be great, because Kai needs my smiles. He needs to know that everything is okay.

I also need to go shopping and get his Halloween costume organized. Our street will be doing a special trick-or-treat like we always do, and Hudson's promised to be home in time for it.

He's promised a lot of things this week. He's been trying to step up in every way he can, and yet it still doesn't feel like enough.

"I'm not sure how long Baxter will stay with his dad. According to Liam, he only goes for short visits because he doesn't love his hometown or something. We don't know all the details. Baxter's always been a closed-off guy." Rachel's voice is sad, and I wonder how badly she's missing him.

It can't be as much as I do.

The last two nights, huddling against the side of my bed so no part of my body can touch Hudson's, I've ached for Baxter in ways I can't even describe.

We had one full night together, and it's ruined me for life. Falling asleep with his arms around me, cocooned by his body… I'm never going to experience that again, and it breaks my heart.

Why hadn't I seen him sooner?

Why had he let me go so easily?

Why hadn't?—

The front door clicks open, and I flinch. "Ray, I gotta go."

"Okay." I can see her smiling in my mind as she tells me to keep in touch… and give Kai a kiss from her.

"And a bear hug from Casey!" he shouts in the background, and I can't help a watery laugh.

"Will do." I end the call as Hudson and Kai walk into the kitchen.

"Who were you talking to?" Hudson places the grocery bags on the counter, and I immediately crouch down to hug Kai so I don't have to look at my husband… or answer his question.

"Hey, Mommy." Kai nestles his head against my shoulder.

"You have fun shopping?"

"Yep." He nods, then darts his eyes to Hudson before looking at me. "Daddy let me buy three candies."

"Oh, really? Just before dinner." I can't help an annoyed little huff. "Promise me you'll still eat your vegetables."

Kai gives me an impish grin, and I'm about to ask if he wants to help me start preparing our evening meal, but Hudson speaks before I can. "Kai, go play in your room."

"But—"

"Now. You can open the new Legos I bought you."

"You said you'd help me build it." He takes the box from Hudson and stares down at the cargo train he'll be constructing.

"Get started without me. I'm just gonna talk to Mommy first."

"Okay." Kai sighs and shuffles out of the room, hugging the box to his chest.

I gaze after him, tension coiling my stomach. Something's off with Hudson. Spending time alone with Kai has always frazzled him, and maybe he's irritated at having to do grocery shopping and then build Legos. It hurts my heart a little, although it is good to see him spending time with his son. That's why I came back, because I'm trying not to rip this family apart. I should be happy that Kai's father is putting in so much effort. It'd just mean more if he actually enjoyed it. I'd like him to want to do it, rather than just do it because he has to… or he's trying to prove something to me.

A shaky sigh rushes out of me, and I make myself turn, forcing a smile at Hudson before starting to unpack the groceries.

He leans against the counter, watching me with a terse frown. I don't know what he's waiting for, until I hear Kai's footsteps stop upstairs. He's in his room now and far enough away not to hear Hudson mutter a curse and snap, "When the fuck were you going to tell me you were staying with Baxter Brown?"

I freeze by the fridge, gripping the handle and trying to sound unfazed by his venom.

"When the fuck were you going to tell me you were cheating on me?"

"Oh, don't throw this back in my face," he spits. I spin in time to see him point a finger at me. "Why didn't you tell me he was there?"

I cross my arms. "Why should I?"

"Because!" His hands fly up before slapping back down on the counter. "The guy was in love with you in high school. Anyone with working eyeballs could see it! And you just run to him the first time we have any trouble?"

My heart starts thrumming, and it makes my voice shake. "He was my best friend."

"Yeah, a pretty shitty one! The number of times you cried over the fact that he was pulling away from you…" Hudson rolls his eyes.

The cool air from the fridge swirls across my back, but I leave the door open, too stunned by the look of disgust on his face. "You knew he was in love with me?"

"Of course I did. That's why I had to work so hard to keep you away from him. I didn't want him ruining what we had! And then you just take off with my son —who can't seem to shut up about the guy—and go and move in with him?"

The fridge starts beeping and I slap the door closed, the bottles rattling in protest. "I didn't know where else to go. It's not like I could head back to Gladstone, or should I say Judgment Central. They would have just sent me right back here to you."

"As they should! I'm your husband!"

"Who cheated on me!" I scream. "You were doing it in our shower!" My chest heaves as I try to control the burst of anger exploding inside me. I point up the stairs, my finger shaking when I realize Kai probably heard me.

I need to lower my voice and get control. I don't want to scare him, but this blinding rage coursing through me right now is hard to counter. My eyes burn as I suck in a few short breaths and grit out, "If I hadn't caught you, would you ever have mentioned it?"

His nostrils flare as he runs his hand through his hair and looks away from me.

"I thought so." My voice is bitter.

"I wouldn't have wanted to hurt you."

"Right." My voice snaps off the T , stalking back to the counter so I can unpack the rest of the groceries.

"We need counseling," he mutters. "You can't hold this against me forever."

"Which means you can't get pissy that I ran to a friend when I was in need. Someone I trust. Someone who I knew would take me in no questions asked."

Hudson's mouth curves into a malignant frown. "You tell him about us?"

"About what you did?" My eyebrows rise. "Yeah, I told him."

The anger pulsing off my husband right now is like a shock wave, and I step away from him. I'm not scared, I just don't want to be near him when he's like this.

But I don't want him near Kai either.

"Maybe you should go for a drive or something. I'll get dinner ready, and then when you get back, we'll both be calm enough to have a pleasant meal. For Kai."

Hudson grips the back his neck, still not looking at me. "Did you sleep with him?"

My blood runs cold.

"Did you sleep with Baxter to get back at me?"

I swallow and am relieved to be able to answer him honestly. "No, I did not sleep with him to get back at you."

He snorts and shakes his head, thankfully snatching the keys and storming out the front door. It slams shut, and I flinch at the shattering sound.

My insides are splintered glass as I rest my hands on the counter and try to still my thundering heart.

I definitely misled Hudson with my answer, but I can't bring myself to tell him the truth either. That malignant look on his face warned me that he probably wouldn't be able to handle the news. How do I look him in the eye and tell him I slept with Baxter because he told me I was the only girl he'd ever wanted? He practically told me he loved me without actually saying it, and I had to be with him. I had to make up for that afternoon at the swimming hole… and then I wanted him over and over again because he made me feel things I never had before.

Then he told me to go back to my marriage and walked out the door.

My legs buckle and I slump against the counter, my heart fracturing in new places.

"Why, Bax?" I whimper and try to tell myself that if it weren't for Kai, I'd still be in Nolan.

But would I?

Baxter told me to go back with Hudson.

He told me it was the right thing to do!

He let me go so easily. Does that mean he doesn't really love me?

I don't want to answer that question.

I snap my eyes shut, shaking my head and gritting my teeth. The point is, Kai does exist, and I can't put my sweet little boy through some heinous custody battle and endless back-and-forth between his parents. It's not fair.

I just have to get over myself. Somehow, I have to forgive Hudson and learn to love him again.

Did you ever really love him?

Of course I did. I wouldn't have slept with him if I hadn't loved him.

I'm just not sure I love him anymore.

I'm not sure that the starry-eyed virgin I was in my senior year of high school is the woman I am now.

I'm not sure if what Hudson and I had then is strong enough to last the distance.

But it must.

Because I have a son who I love more than anything. A son who deserves a stable, happy home.

Slashing the tears off my face, I straighten as I hear Kai coming down the stairs. He creeps into the kitchen, his eyes big as he looks around.

"Where's Daddy?"

"He had to go out for a little drive, but he'll be back in time for dinner." I put on a bright voice, though I doubt I'm doing a very good job of hiding my emotion. I'm sure my face is blotchy.

Snatching a tissue out of the box, I quickly blow my nose, then wash my hands.

"Want to help me make dinner?"

He nods, pulling his stool around the counter so he can reach.

"Sorry Daddy couldn't help you with those Legos."

"That's okay. I didn't think he'd come anyway."

I still, my hand frozen on the carrots I'm about to peel. "You didn't?"

Kai shrugs.

And that cold sadness I'm trying so hard to fight decides to settle into the marrow of my bones.