47. Baxter

CHAPTER 47

BAXTER

Dad was surprised to see me when I showed up on his doorstep, but his smile faded when he took in my expression. He stepped back to let me in. Without Mom around, the house is always painfully quiet. I usually relish quiet, but not within the walls that used to ring with Mom's laughter.

I don't know how Dad stands to live here without her.

I don't know why I came back.

The need to get out of Ponderosa was overwhelming, and I flicked into autopilot, hauling ass home, then realized the second I walked in the door that it can't be home without her.

And now Ponderosa is going to reek of that same feeling. Because Tammy was there for nearly a whole month, and having her around was perfect. Until, yet again, Hudson came along to ruin everything.

I glare at the flames flickering in the fireplace. I've been home for a couple days now and have barely left the house. I did go and help Dad on his latest building project yesterday, but only because it's just outside town—an old farmhouse that is getting major renovations done. It felt good to work and lose myself in nails and sawdust. On the way back to the house, I slumped low in my seat as we drove down Main Street. The idea of bumping into anyone from Gladstone makes my skin crawl. Anyone but Tammy.

"Shit," I mutter under my breath, closing my eyes and tipping my head back. The couch cradles my head as I clench my jaw.

"You gonna tell me exactly what happened?" Dad murmurs.

I've told him bits and pieces. Little snippets keep dropping out of my mouth when my guard is down.

"I've told you already," I mutter.

Dad sighs. "All you've said is that Tammy showed up crying, you took her and Kai in… obviously fell pretty hard all over again…"

My head pops up. "I never said that."

Dad gives me a side-eye before sipping his beer and then finishing, "Hudson shows up and drags her away. Is that about right?"

"He didn't drag her, she left. She chose to go."

"And you didn't stop her." His shoulder hitches.

My frown gets deeper. I can feel my eyebrows bunching tight. "What was I supposed to do? He's her husband. The father of her kid."

"Did she know how you felt before she walked out that door?"

I close my eyes and nod. "We shared some pretty personal conversations, and…" I shake my head.

I can hear him shuffling in his armchair and creep my eyes open to see that he's facing me now, studying my expression with a surprised look. "You slept with her, didn't you?"

Running my tongue over my top teeth, I refuse to answer his question, but my silence no doubt speaks volumes.

"Wow." Dad settles back in his chair, facing the fire again. "And then you just let her go."

"What?" I jerk forward. "She chose to go."

"Did you tell her not to leave you? Did you tell her you love her?"

I open my mouth to try and ward off some of the stinging guilt and remorse riding through me, but no words come out.

Instead, I slump back against the couch with a hard thump.

Dad looks at me again. I can sense his gaze and refuse to meet it.

"I told her she was the only one for me," I finally murmur. "Told her I'd been saving myself for her."

With his beer halfway to his mouth, he pauses, his lips curling up at the edges. "Good for you, son."

"Yeah, right," I scoff. "Saving myself for a woman I was never supposed to have in the first place. She's married!"

"Well, she shouldn't be married to that jerkoff," Dad mutters.

I snap my head to gape at him.

"Oh, come on." He winces. "Your mom and I knew you two were always meant to be together. If Tammy hadn't gotten pregnant, I'm sure she would have broken up with Hudson eventually, and you would have been there waiting for her." Dad's eyes glisten for a moment, his lips curling into a barely there smile. "Mom would be so happy to know you two finally figured it out."

"We didn't figure anything out." I hunch forward, resting my elbows on my knees and squeezing my forehead. "You don't know that she wouldn't have married him anyway. She was pretty in love with the guy. And she still must be, because she left with him after one conversation. He fucking cheated on her, and she forgave him and followed him home!"

"Did she tell you why?"

"What do you mean?" I snap.

"Well, did she say, ‘I'm forgiving him because I'll always love him and want to make my marriage work'?"

"No." I glare at the flickering flames in the fireplace and mumble, "I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"It's not like we talked about it!" I throw my hands out wide. "She came through, and I knew what she was going to say, so I told her I couldn't say goodbye and left."

Dad frowns at me like I'm an idiot. "That's it?"

"I said goodbye to Kai." My throat constricts. "And then I…" I shrug before deflating on a heavy sigh. "I told her it was probably the right thing to do."

There's a horrible, thick pause that makes me want to dry retch before Dad makes it a million times worse.

"You told the woman you have been in love with since you were a child that it was probably best that she went back to the arrogant prick who was cheating on her?"

I refuse to answer that question because I feel like total shit right now.

"You didn't tell her that you love her and that you'd never do something like that to her?"

"Marriage is a sacred vow," I mutter.

"Which he broke!"

"He said it was just a onetime thing, and he was really sorry."

"Bullshit!" Dad barks. "It's Hudson Clark we're talking about here. Don't sit there and tell me he could ever love Tamara Tan the way you do. That he could ever take care of her the way you would."

I clench my jaw and grit out, "He's rich, and they have a kid together, and he can give her?—"

"I don't give a flying fuck how much money that guy makes." Dad shoots out of his chair. "True love is a rare and beautiful thing. I would give anything to have your mother back… even just for a day." His voice breaks and he squeezes his mouth, obviously struggling to pull his emotions in check. I've never seen my dad this impassioned before, and all I can do is gape at him. "You got a second chance to finally win that girl over… and then you just let her walk out the door."

Bile surges up my throat and I clamp my teeth together, staring at the floor.

The silence permeating the room is the worst it's been since I got here, and I'm gonna drown in it if I don't move.

Jerking off the couch, I face my father and try for one last justification. "He's her husband, and she loves him. I couldn't stop her."

Dad shakes his head, his disappointed expression quietly calling me out on my bullshit before I stalk from the room and thump my way upstairs.

Acting like a petulant teen, I slam my door shut to let him know how pissed I am before snatching my pillow off the bed and hurling it at the wall. It hits my framed photo of Mom, which topples to the floor. Bending down with a curse, I pick it up, brushing off the dust, relieved that the glass didn't crack.

Caressing my thumb over her pretty smile, I slump onto the floor and rest against my dresser. Mom and Dad had the best marriage. I always wanted one just like it. Mom told me once that she married her best friend, and that's why they hardly ever fought and were so happy together.

"Marriage is the easiest thing in the world when you marry the right person." Her smile was so sincere, and I knew she meant it.

I think I'd been about twelve, and that's when I knew I had to marry Tammy Tan one day.

But I lost my chance.

Because I couldn't get over my humiliation at the swimming hole.

Because I didn't try to fight for her when Hudson came along.

Because I let her walk out that door three days ago.

"Fuck." I hit my head against the dresser and wince, rubbing the sore spot, then opening my eyes and spying a dusty box beneath my bed.

Crawling toward it, I wrestle it out of hiding and flip the lid. I can't remember what's in here, but the second I spot the worn leather journal on the top, I know exactly what I'm looking at.

A deep loneliness swamps me as I unearth the book and all the pictures and memorabilia beneath it.

I always loved to write—something no one but my mom knew about me.

That's why she bought me the journal. I'd sit up in bed at night, scribbling my thoughts and dreams. Writing love poems to Tammy in secret.

The pads of my fingers travel lightly over the pages and photographs I'd glued into the book. Mostly Tammy and me, the odd one of my mom and dad.

My eyes catch on a poem I wrote for Tammy in my freshman year of high school.

It's your smile that gets me, like an arrow through the heart.

Cupid knew what he was doing, right from the very start.

The first day I saw you, it took my breath away.

And as I've grown to know you, I have loved you more each day.

I wish that I could tell you how you make me feel.

But what if you reject me? The pain would be so real.

And so I'll be the best friend that I can possibly be.

And wish upon each falling star that one day you might see.

That I could love you better than anyone else could do.

And hopefully one day I'll hear you say, "I love you too."

I let out a sad laugh, cringing over how cheesy it is. Rachel would no doubt think it was adorable. A fourteen-year-old boy, scribbling words like that about his best friend. My hockey bros would never let me live this down, which is why they will never, ever see this journal.

But a small part of me wishes I'd shown Tammy.

Maybe if I'd given her this poem in high school, she wouldn't have married Hudson.

"But she loves him," I mutter darkly. Why else would she have been so willing to forgive him and go back?

Dropping the journal back in the box, I slap it closed and shove it back under my bed.

My fourteen-year-old self was delusional. Wishing upon falling stars. What the fuck?

Dreams like that don't come true.

Reality is harsh and filled with unexpected pregnancies and fatal car accidents and the only girl you've ever loved walking back into your life for a fleeting moment, stealing your heart all over again, and then leaving you gasping for air.

Part of me wishes I'd never had the second chance in the first place.

But then I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I got to love Tammy the way I always wanted. I got to show her a piece of my soul.

Shit, I'm always going to love her.

There is no other girl.

There was no other goal.

She's always been it for me.

And I just let her walk away.