42. Tammy

CHAPTER 42

TAMMY

I'm so confused right now I can't even think straight.

Hudson is looking so remorseful. He's in agony over losing me and Kai. I can see it, hear it in his voice. Am I being a heartless bitch if I turn my back on that?

He's the father of my kid, and he's desperate to make it work.

He wants me back, and he's willing to fight for me.

Dropping to his knees, Hudson clasps my hands, tears lining his lashes when he notices I'm not wearing my rings anymore. "Please," he chokes out, "I'd do anything to take back what I did. I don't know what came over me. You were away, and I was lonely, and I just let her in, you know? I didn't mean for it to go that far, but we got caught up in a moment."

I close my eyes, not wanting to hear the details.

I don't know who she is or how she's related to Hudson. I don't know if he's making it sound like a onetime thing when it might have been going on every time Kai and I visited my parents.

Maybe I should be asking those questions, though. Is she a work colleague? Are you going to see her again? Cheat on me again?

But if I ask that stuff, is that indicating that I want to try and resolve these issues with him? Am I going back to my marriage?

I said I wanted a divorce. I was so clear on that… and now I'm standing here struggling to know what to do.

The bubble Baxter and I lived in last weekend. I want that. When the rest of the world disappears and it's just the two of us remembering old times and playing games.

But that's not practical, is it?

I'm not a child anymore. Now I have a child who is relying on me to look after him and provide for him and give him the best life.

I can't live in my past, reminiscing and playing pretend.

I try to force myself to take the emotion out of this and think logically.

"I'll take care of you. I'll do better," Hudson is saying.

He's still on his knees, tears streaming down his pale cheeks. I wipe them away without thinking, and he leans in, kissing my palm and smiling up at me.

It's so obvious he still loves me.

Even though he screwed up, he's desperate to make amends.

And maybe that would be the easier option, you know?

Kai and I could go back to a place we know. My little man will start preschool where he's already enrolled. I won't have to worry about finances or trying to find a job.

It's all so practically convenient.

Yet it hurts in ways I can't explain.

But what's best for Kai?

"I just want a chance to make things right." Hudson sniffs. "I swear, I'll make changes for us. I'll be home earlier. I'll do better. I'll be around more. I love you. I don't want to lose you."

Staring down at him, I can't ignore the fact that I loved him once. He swept me off my feet. I married him, didn't I?

I could have refused.

Really? Could you have?

Closing my eyes against the questions, I bite my bottom lip, my mind flooding with Baxter.

I need to talk to him.

I want his help to figure this out. Maybe he can tell me what to do.

He'll just beg you to stay, the same way Hudson is begging you to go.

You have to make this choice, Tammy. Only you.

"I just don't know what to do," I whisper.

Hudson's expression crumples, and he rises to his feet, holding my shoulders and leaning his head down to rest against mine.

"Why is this so hard for you? I'm asking you to choose between forgiving me and divorcing me. I'm telling you I won't let this happen again. Our marriage will be stronger than it's ever been. Why wouldn't you choose that over a life of being single and having to share custody… or lose custody of Kai."

I step back, shrugging him off me. "You say you love me, yet you threaten to take my son away?"

He sighs, dipping his chin. "Of course I wouldn't take him from you. You're a good mother. I just… It would make life a million times harder, Tam. I don't want to be a single father, and I know you don't want to be a single mother. Come on, be sensible about this. Do you really want to put Kai through all that?"

He's right.

Divorce is complex and horrible. Maybe that's why I've been hesitating to find a lawyer and get the process started. Because it's freaking terrifying.

And I don't want to put Kai through it.

I hate the idea of him having to take sides or choose. The whole back-and-forth thing. It'd be a nightmare. And if I did live in Nolan, that's a huge commute. Everything would just be so difficult if I stayed here.

And it'll be easier if you go.

The thought hurts my heart. It's an overwhelming, physical pain, and I press my hand against it, trying to understand it, yet maybe not wanting to know.

Baxter.

The name whistles through me like a broken prayer.

If I do this for Kai, I'll be forfeiting my chance with Baxter.

And part of me knew that, right? Which is why I walked away from his bed last night. But now that the reality is so much closer, it hurts that much worse.

My head starts to spin as heartache, desperation, and pain swirl through me.

I don't want to make this choice.

I wish none of this was happening to me!

It makes me want to scream and fist my hair, crumple to the floor and start slapping my hand on the ground.

But then Kai comes running into the parlor, beaming at me.

"Rachel made pancakes! You want one?"

Hudson flinches at the interruption and spins to give him a tight smile. "Not right now, kiddo."

I shake my head as well, and Kai frowns, turning back for the kitchen, his momentary enthusiasm instantly smothered by the tension in the room.

He shuffles away, and I cross my arms, my insides vibrating.

Hudson's staring at me, his face still so handsome. Women have always thought it, and I used to feel so privileged that he chose me above everyone else.

And now he's choosing me again.

Begging for me this time.

Promising to make up for his past mistakes.

He's fighting for our marriage… do I owe him the same?