41. Baxter

CHAPTER 41

BAXTER

I barely slept last night and feel like shit this morning. Even putting on clothes feels like an effort. I need to keep myself busy today. I'll finish painting those bedrooms on the third floor, take Fezzik for an extra-long walk, and thank God for hockey practice this afternoon. I can make myself scarce and avoid having to have any uncomfortable conversations with Tammy.

Real mature, man.

I ignore the irritating voice in my head, shutting it up with a soft growl.

"Baxter?" Kai's hesitant voice makes me spin.

"Hey, buddy." I force a smile as he holds up a car and remote.

"Daddy bought it for me."

My insides crawl, but I try to hide it as I crouch down. "Oh yeah? Looks pretty cool."

"Wanna play?" Those big eyes of his have some kind of magical power, because I nod and take the car from him, placing it on the floor and helping him with the remote.

"Those two." I point to the toggles. "Yep, and go left." I wince when the car whips right and smashes into the doorframe. "Try the other left."

He misses my joke and goes the other way, grinning when the car shoots into the hallway.

Chasing after it, he guides the car down to the end and then struggles to turn it around again. It keeps bumping into the walls.

"Here, can I help?" I take the remote when he hands it to me and show him how to do a three-point turn. "When did your dad give you this? I haven't seen you playing with it before."

"Just now," Kai says casually, oblivious to the fact that the world is crashing down around us. I can practically see the walls crumbling, can feel the floorboards shifting beneath me.

"Your dad's here? Now?"

Kai nods, still more focused on his controller and car than me.

"He's downstairs?"

"Uh-huh." Kai glances my way. "He's talking to Mommy."

I can't breathe.

Holy fuck, I can't breathe.

"Do you… um… has he come to take you home?"

Kai shrugs, and I try to read his face, wondering if this bothers him. Probably not as much as it's bothering me!

"Do you want to go with him?" I ask softly.

He pauses, looking thoughtful as he stares at the car, frozen in the middle of the hallway. His voice is quiet when he finally says, "I want to be with Mommy."

Me too.

My lips feel like lead weights as I try to form a smile. "Good call, man."

He nods and gives me a closed-mouth smile. For a second, I think he looks sad, but then he goes back to focusing on his car.

A boulder has lodged in my throat, making it hard to swallow, and there's a bass drum playing in my head.

He's here.

Hudson's here.

Downstairs.

Talking to my Tammy.

Not your Tammy, his.

No, she's divorcing him. She said she was leaving him for good.

Bile surges in my stomach, and I jerk to my feet, struggling to keep my tone even. "Wanna go downstairs?"

"Okay." Kai runs and grabs his car. "I'm hungry. Can you make me pancakes again?"

"I'm sure we can do that," I croak, my chest spasming when he captures my hand on the top step. I hold it as we walk down to the bottom floor, my head spinning when I hear Hudson's voice in the parlor.

It takes me back to high school and that desolate feeling that washed through me every time I saw him talking to Tammy. He used a special voice for her. It was soft and hypnotic somehow. And the way she used to look at him…

She drank him in like he was everything.

"You're my wife. I love you." His tone is soft and beguiling.

But his words are sulfuric acid. I want to throw up.

"Come on, Tam. I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry."

"I know." Her voice sounds broken and weary.

"Please, you can't just walk away from us. Are you seriously willing to turn your back on the life we've been building together? We love each other. We love our son."

Tammy doesn't say anything, and that's all I need to hear. My doubts from last night are amplified to the point of deafening me.

Fuck, I can't hear this shit.

Walking through to the kitchen, I force polite conversation with Rachel, who seems overly excited by the prospect of making Kai pancakes. Fezzik scratches on the back door and I let him in, picking him up and petting him, drawing what comfort I can. He licks my chin, but even his excited tail isn't making me feel better.

I'm losing Tammy all over again.

But somehow, this time feels worse.