40. Tammy

CHAPTER 40

TAMMY

The expression on Baxter's face is glacial. I can feel him retreating into himself, and part of me wants to fight for him to come back, but I'm too exhausted to try.

I don't know how we can go from epic sex to a disagreement, but it's happening.

I can't even remember exactly what I said to make him shut down like this.

Maybe I'm just kind of reeling that he's wanting to move in with me—form some kind of family unit. I wasn't expecting that. I get that I'm his high school crush. I get that he's only ever wanted me. And that is so freaking sweet and endearing, but we've barely spoken for five years, and now he's wanting to set up a life with me?

I'm not the girl I was from high school.

He doesn't know what he's proposing. Taking on a kid who's not even his? Taking on what could be a brutal custody battle? If Hudson gets even a whiff of Baxter, he'll no doubt use it against me, making this whole process a million times harder.

And even if we do survive all of that, how is Baxter going to support me and Kai? I don't even know if he gets paid to work here. And I'm guessing he makes minimal money as a hockey coach. Kai and I can't live off that.

And even if I do get a job and we somehow scrape together enough to live off, what if things go wrong? What if Baxter decides stepfatherhood isn't for him, and then Kai has to go through losing another parent all over again?

Why the hell are you spiraling right now, Tammy?

Stop being so fucking practical!

You should be stripping off your clothes and getting back against his warm, solid body. What the fuck are you doing?

An apology is wedged in my throat—soft words that might have him opening up to me again.

But for some reason, they won't come out.

I should explain what I'm feeling—tell him each and every one of my fears. Tell him about Hudson's threat and my primal need to protect my son above all else.

But… Baxter won't even look at me right now. It's happening again. I say something he doesn't want to hear, so he silently pushes me away.

Why isn't he begging me to stay? Fighting for me? Telling me I'm wrong?

Disappointment wars against my practical logic.

What will getting back into his bed really achieve? More confusion.

Kai can't wake up to find us naked together. How will I even explain that to him? We're lucky we didn't get busted on the weekend and that he so easily bought Baxter's sleepover story.

But sleepovers are an occasional thing, which means I need to get back to my son.

I open my mouth to say good night, but Baxter won't even glance my way when I move. His eyes are fixed on the wall, and the stony expression on his face is killing me.

So I slip out of the room and head downstairs.

Kai's blissfully unaware of my turmoil as I slide into the bed. His soft, sleepy sounds can usually lull me to sleep as well, but I can't switch off. Tears make my eyes ache, and I sniffle into my pillow. It's cold and lonely without Baxter, and part of me wishes I had the courage to invite him into my life this way.

But how are we supposed to make it work?

Ponderosa is a dream. A break from reality. But it's not a long-term solution. It's time for me to stop running away and ignoring the problem. I need to figure out a plan for my life, and the question has to start with "What's best for Kai?"

* * *

A soft knock at the door wakes me. I have no idea what time it is, but there's light behind the curtains, and Kai is sitting up in bed, flicking through a stack of picture books.

Rachel's head pops through the door, and she cringes at me.

"What?" I sit up, my head groggy after such a restless sleep.

"You've got a visitor," she softly tells me. I can sense by her tone and the pained look on her face that it's a visitor I don't want to see.

For a second, I worry that it's my mother. But how'd she find out where I was?

Ugh. Hudson probably called and told on me.

Anger bubbles as I try to steel myself for whatever awaits me.

"I'll be there in a minute," I grit out.

"Okay." Rachel disappears, and I turn to look at Kai.

"Hey, Mommy." His sweet smile does my heart in, and I touch his face.

"Morning, kiddo." I kiss him and force myself out of bed.

I'm shaking as I pull on some sweats and a hoodie that's still stained from the last time Kai and I made chocolate cake. We had a bit of a cocoa powder incident. Our laughter skips through my memory, and I smile down at my son, knowing that whatever choices I make going forward have to be for his benefits. That's the role of the mother, right? Children first.

What does he need?

Sucking in a breath, I turn for the door and hear him jumping off the bed. When we step into the hallway, he grabs my hand, and we walk down the stairs together.

My stomach drops the second Hudson comes into view. Part of me is relieved it's not my mother, a small part of me skitters at the sight of him—he'll always be handsome—and the last part of me seizes up in mild panic. Shit. This is the moment I've been trying to avoid, but it's here now, and there's nothing I can do but face it.

"Hey, family." Hudson smiles up at us, as if nothing has even been wrong. As if I didn't ask him to call and arrange a time with me first.

Anger splashes through me, another emotion to throw into this Molotov cocktail I'm trying to deal with.

I gave him too much information yesterday. Why didn't I just say Nolan? Why'd I talk about this being a bed-and-breakfast? In my attempt to cajole him, I spilled way too much and now he's here and?—

"My two best people." Hudson's voice rings with that upbeat quality I first fell in love with. He was always so enthusiastic about life, so charismatic. Then we moved to the city and he became a stressed-out workaholic trying to provide for his family. We had to grow up way too fast.

Kai squeezes my hand, leaning against my leg as he peers down at his father. "Hi, Daddy."

Hudson grins. "I got you a present." He holds up a large wrapped box, and Kai lets out a delighted gasp, nearly tripping down the stairs trying to get to it.

Hudson is always buying him stuff.

I guess it's a way to make up for when he's not around. Working late nights in town or going to sales conferences on the weekends means he doesn't get to spend much quality time with Kai. Whenever he's away, he always brings back gifts, and he's gone extra big this time around.

"What is it?" Kai takes the box.

"Open it and see." Hudson musses his hair, then kisses his forehead and glances up at me. His smile is broad and proud— Look at me being dad of the year. Aren't I doing great?

I can't smile back. Instead, I stay on the stairwell, gripping the railing and watching my son's delight as he unwraps a remote-controlled car. "Wow!" He gives his dad a shy smile, then turns to me and beams.

"That's very cool." I nod.

"Why don't you go outside and play with it?" Hudson points at the door, and for some reason, my hackles go up. Once again, Kai gets dismissed.

"You can play in here," I tell him. "It's a little cold outside. Why don't you set it up and drive it around the entryway?"

"Or a different room," Hudson suggests with a bright smile. I frown down at him, and he meets my glare with a pointed look. "We need to talk."

I know we do, but that doesn't mean I want to.

With a soft sigh, I walk down the rest of the stairs and tip my head toward the parlor.

Kai's too busy unboxing his new toy to really notice the tension, and I try to keep my voice low as I walk to the parlor window and stare out of it.

"What do you want?" I murmur.

Hudson huffs, scraping his hand through his hair. "Gimme a break, Tam. I drove through the night to get here, okay? The least you can do is listen."

He drove through the night. For me. I wish I could ignore that fact, but I can't, because it's kind of huge.

It says a lot.

And that probably means I should listen.

Closing my eyes, I rest my head against the window and wish I could disappear. I get why Baxter shuts down sometimes. It's safer that way, right? You can just block out the world and pretend the bad stuff doesn't exist.

If only it'd take away the problems at the same time.

But life is not that simple. And unlike Baxter, I don't have the luxury of just turning my back on the things I don't want to deal with.

Hudson's here.

And it's time to face this.

Gritting my teeth, I force myself to stand tall, open my eyes, and look at the man I married.