3. Tammy

CHAPTER 3

TAMMY

It's raining by the time I find a motel and get Kai settled for the night. My bare feet get frozen and saturated, but that doesn't seem to matter. Seriously, wet feet are the least of my worries.

"Where are we?" Kai's sweet little voice and confused expression nearly breaks me, but I manage to paste on a smile.

"We're having an extra-special adventure. Just the two of us."

He's smart enough to know something's off, but he gives me a small smile and snuggles against my chest as I dash through the rain and up the motel steps. I could hold on to him forever. He's my teddy bear. My comfort. I want to sob against his soft hair and cling to him.

But I can't do that. Because his needs always come before my own.

So I put on a brave voice and somehow find a smile. "Look, Kai. You get this whole big bed all to yourself."

"Wow!" He scrambles onto it, and I let him jump and bounce around because I need to hear his laughter.

Then he takes a bath while I order pizza. I let him splash, and he giggles at the droplets running across the tiles. We eat while watching Octonauts , because that's his favorite.

Somehow, I find the strength to read to him without crying. Thankfully, our bags were still in the car from our trip to Gladstone, so I have everything he needs on me. He loves my old Curious George books, and his delighted face as he taps his little finger on the page and laughs, "Silly George," melts my heart.

I kiss his hair and smell his sweet scent.

You can do this, Tammy. You can be strong for him.

But as I'm tucking him into bed, he whispers something that makes my eyes glassy with tears. "Where's Daddy?"

"Um… he's still at home." I try to swallow and nearly choke on the boulder lodged in my throat.

"Working?" His sad, resigned pout is a killer, but I nod, because I can't exactly tell him what else Daddy's been up to.

My stomach clenches into a knot so tight, it hurts.

That bastard!

That cheating slimeball.

Anger rages through me—a sudden hot flash of it that's unexpectedly strong and vehement, but it's quickly followed by a wave of heartache.

He's cheating on me.

My husband is having sex with another woman.

I can feel the rain clouds building inside me—a brewing, black depression that's going to drown me.

You can't let Kai see that!

Clenching my jaw, I run my fingers through my son's black hair and will my voice to come out soft and easy.

"You know… Daddy's gonna be real busy for the next little while, so we might stay away for a little longer. How do you feel about that?"

Kai nods, his big brown eyes so innocent. So trusting. He'll believe anything I tell him, because I'm his mommy, and he knows I'll never hurt him or let him down.

But I will. It's inevitable. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I'm going to let him down.

My soul hurts and aches in ways I didn't think possible, and it's making these tears even harder to fight.

"Where are we gonna go?" His voice is so sweet.

"I'm not sure yet. Mommy's going to come up with a plan while you sleep." I try to smile, but I don't know what the hell my mouth is doing.

Kai's face folds into a frown. His short little fingers touch my cheek, and he strokes my face. "Don't be sad, Mommy. We'll have fun just you and me."

Oh, my heart.

It's melting and hurting and bursting with love all at the same time.

My smile turns genuine as I lean down and kiss his forehead. "Yeah, we will, kiddo. We're gonna have the best time."

He wraps his arms around my neck and gives me a tight squeeze before he finally rolls over and settles down.

I kiss him one more time, tucking the covers up around his shoulders before shuffling to my bed.

My phone buzzes with yet another message from Hudson. He's been calling incessantly, and I haven't answered once. Because I can't right now. He needs to leave me the fuck alone so I can process this shit.

Jumping into a hot shower, I stand under that spray and relive what I saw. I don't want to, but my mind is cruel and uncontrollable. I see her boobs rocking, watch him pinch her nipple.

I hate that feeling. I never liked it when he tried to pinch me. It hurt, and I wasn't into the whole pain and pleasure thing. He tried a few times, spanking my ass and nipping my skin. He even shoved his finger up my butt once, and I shot off the bed like he'd burned me.

I told him I wasn't into that, and he sighed and pulled me back onto the mattress, returning to the soft caressing I enjoyed.

Is that why he's cheating on me?

Because I'm not adventurous enough in bed?

I press my palms against my nipples, then squeeze my boobs. Boobs he's licked and sucked. But not the only ones he'll ever enjoy. My body starts to shudder with these dry sobs, and my legs crumple. I land in the hard bathtub with a soft thud. Curling into a ball, I let the water rain over me and finally let it out.

I don't want Kai to hear me, so I press my mouth against my knee and let those sobs rack my body in agonized silence.

What the hell am I gonna do now?

Where am I gonna go?

I can't go back to Gladstone. My parents will probably scoff at me. "How could you let his eyes wander? Why weren't you a better wife?"

Grace, Miranda, and Kelsey will shake their heads and be sad for me, sure… but then they'll no doubt start up with the whole "So, he strayed a little. Get over it. Forgive him. You can't walk out. He's your security. Look at the lifestyle he gives you."

Hudson's parents will tell me that their boy is a fool, but I can't go taking his child away. "You're a family. You do whatever it takes to stay together."

I heard his mother say that once, in that clipped way of hers. You don't argue with Mrs. Clark. That woman is always right… apparently.

"Like every other mother in that damn town," I mutter while drying myself off.

The towel is rough and scratchy, but I hang it up nice and straight on the rail before creeping into the bedroom to unearth my pajamas. They're soft and silky, the pale purple fabric shimmering.

Hudson bought these for me. I hold them up, tempted to rip them to shreds. These surges of anger are surprisingly strong, but they're followed very quickly by a wave of overpowering sorrow… and then I'm tripped up by this blinding fear.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?

My phone starts vibrating on the bed. I automatically reach for it, then growl when I noticed Hudson's name on the screen. Throwing it down, I get dressed, checking on Kai one last time before crawling into bed.

The phone screen lights up again.

Hudson: Just tell me you're okay. Where are you? Where'd you go? Are you back in Gladstone?

I cringe and shake my head. Is he worried that I've shot back to our small hometown and run his name through the mud? Damn, that would kill him. He's always cared about appearances.

I still remember the first time I saw him.

My carefree, wonderful summer with Baxter had ended in disaster, and I hadn't really spoken to my best friend properly since that afternoon by our secret swimming hole.

He'd gone away to visit his grandparents the week before school started, and I couldn't wait for him to get back so we could patch things up. But then my parents introduced me to Hudson at church that weekend… and he offered to drive me to school the next day. I don't know why I said yes. I should have told him that I always catch a ride with my best friend, Baxter. But the word just popped out of my dazzled mouth.

He was so cool and handsome. He played guitar and wore a leather jacket. There was this swagger about him… this confidence that was so appealing.

New and mysterious, he had this smile that made my instant attraction impossible to deny. With his soft brown hair and sparkling blue eyes, I was a goner.

"Hey." That was all he said, but it was enough to have butterflies dancing through my stomach.

"Hi." I smiled up at him, no doubt blushing.

I couldn't help it. He was looking at me like I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. His gaze was this mix of awe and adoration that made me feel like a queen.

He asked me what grade I was in as I fidgeted with my hair, and then he wanted to walk me out of the building and all the way to Dad's car. It was the sweetest thing… and so…

Well, it was a compliment. Out of all the girls in church, the new, cool, superhot guy with the trendy shades chose me. He wanted to drive me to school, and in that moment, I forgot all about patching things up with Baxter.

Hudson swept me right off my feet, and I was helpless to stop myself from falling hard and fast. He always knew what I needed to hear. He wooed me like I was under his spell, and life changed. The gap between Baxter and me grew so wide, we practically became strangers.

We tried every now and then, but our conversations became more stilted. We weren't besties anymore. I was dating Hudson… and then I got pregnant.

A chill runs through me as I relive the terror of reading that positive pregnancy test. Baxter was the first person I told.

Closing my eyes, I dip my chin and remember that hideous conversation.

"Baxter," I rasp, tears burning my eyes as I rub my thumb over my phone screen.

I wonder where he is now. What he's doing with his life.

He went to Nolan U in Colorado to play hockey, but he would have graduated by now.

I hate that we lost touch. After his mother died, he took off, and he wouldn't reply to my messages. I tried for weeks… months… but then I gave birth to Kai, and my world became all about my little boy.

As the years passed, Baxter's been stored away in the back of my mind, only popping out when I'm feeling sad or nostalgic.

Right now, he's clear as day—his shy smile and soft gaze. I always used to love the way he studied the world. He was so quiet and thoughtful about everything. The way his ears used to turn fire-engine red when he got embarrassed always made me laugh.

I can't help a soft snicker as I see him all over again. My favorite person in the world. My best friend. My BB.

My throat swells as I remember him. As I think about what could have been if we hadn't?—

If I hadn't?—

Snapping my eyes shut, I set a few tears free. They trail down my cheeks as my memories fade and reality comes back with a chill so cold, I actually shiver.

Burying myself under the covers, I settle my head on the pillow and wonder again where Baxter might be.

He wouldn't judge me for taking off and not replying to Hudson's texts.

He never seemed to like the guy much anyway. I didn't understand why. Everyone else loved him, but Baxter was always frosty.

Maybe he saw something the rest of us couldn't.

Or maybe he was just annoyed that Hudson was stealing all my attention.

Baxter used to get it all. He was my safe place, the one I'd run to with a new joke or an angry rant or a sad confession. He always listened to me. And he heard me. He was my best friend.

My insides crumple, and that old familiar ache rises inside me again.

I want to see him.

I want to run to him right now with my sad news. I want to blubber on his doorstep. And he'd stand there and let me get it all out, then say something soft and sweet… or nothing at all. He'd just let me in and let me be.

My lips curl into a soft smile.

I should find him.

But what if he's married or has a girlfriend or ? —

So what if he does? I'm just looking for a place to stay until I'm ready to deal with this Hudson bullshit. I just need a place to hide for a few days and lick my wounds.

Scrambling for my phone, I work in the dark, opening a new search window and seeing what I can find on Baxter Brown—the small-town boy from Gladstone who became a star goalie for the Nolan U Cougars.

"What are you up to right now, BB? Make it something obvious so I can easily find you."