2. Baxter

CHAPTER 2

BAXTER

Laughter bounces around the old walls of the dining room as I share a meal with the girls at Ponderosa Countryside Villa. They've all come over to watch the hockey game together. The guys start in about half an hour, and we'll move into the parlor to watch their game against Providence. Can't believe I live in a place that has a parlor. It's more like a TV room/library thing, but Rachel insists that we all say parlor because it sounds fancier, and when guests start arriving later in the year, she wants to make a good impression.

So, parlor it is.

"I'm telling you, the new goalie isn't half as good as you." Caroline points at me, her red curls flying when she flicks them over her shoulder.

I smile at her. "He's pretty good. He's gonna have a great season."

"I don't know." She frowns, clearly concerned. "I just think Falco should be starting the game."

"Falco isn't as good as Tyrell."

She blinks at me like I've lost my mind. "He's better!"

I shake my head. "The kid might be fast, but he lacks the experience. Tyrell has been subbing for me since last year, and he's gotten really good. He's gonna be great this season. You just wait. Now that I'm out of the way, he has a chance to really shine."

Mick nudges me with her elbow. "We'd rather have you, dude."

"Hey, I'd rather be playing with the guys," I agree. "But watching the game with you ain't so bad either," I finish in a mumble, and Rachel makes this sweet little "aw" sound before starting to collect the empty plates.

"Let me help." Jolie jumps up from her seat, the nervy little freshman looking relieved to have something to do. She showed up about an hour before dinner and spent most of it in the kitchen, I think. I was hiding away out back, keeping busy in the maintenance shed. As much as I love the girls, when they're en masse like this, it gets a little intimidating. I didn't really need to tidy the shed. It's all straight and looking super safe and professional, just the way Vanessa wants it. She's the lady Mick's dad hired to make sure we're checking all the boxes. Every time she stops by, we're all on edge, but at least she said my shed was looking passable. Probably because I spend so much damn time in there. It's quiet. I like it, and Fezz does too. I've put a little doggy bed in the corner for him, and he'll often follow me out there for a nap.

But I couldn't stay out there all night, so I put on my big boy pants and joined the girls for dinner. Ray would have been gutted if I'd just taken a plate to my room. These ladies are missing their men, and I think they like having me around.

The guys flew out on Thursday and should be back tomorrow. The house is so much quieter without them around, but I'm happy that their season is finally kicking off. They've been desperate for these first games, and last night's was a winner. Hopefully, tonight will be one too.

Damn, I wish I was with them.

Not hitting the ice this season has sucked.

I mean, I've been on the ice, but not in a way I ever thought I'd be. Coaching Mini Mite hockey has been an experience, that's for sure. It's not so bad. The kids are cute and only a little annoying. Their enthusiasm makes up for their inability to listen and follow instructions… most of the time.

I can't help a small grin as I pass Jolie my plate. I'm thinking about my little team, but she doesn't know that, and I glance away from her blushing, twitchy smile so she doesn't think I'm flirting with her. That's the last thing I need.

Jolie's been hanging out here a lot since school started. She's obviously struggling to fit in at Nolan U. Caroline's helping her out. They're cousins or something, and Casey's cherry girl has gone full-blown mother hen looking after her. Like Caroline, Jolie's in the dorms, but I don't think they're in the same building. I'm not sure of all the details, but the snippets of conversation I've heard make it clear that Jolie's not sure if this is the right place for her.

Caroline's desperate for her to stay and throwing out suggestions whenever she can.

"Why don't you join the school paper? You love writing, and that'd be a chance to meet some new people."

Jolie nodded at that one, but she seems to nod at everything, so I wonder if she'll go for it. I hope so. I think Caroline would be a little heartbroken if her cousin bailed after only a month or so here. She was so excited to have her join us.

Jolie's lucky, you know. When I started at Nolan, I knew exactly zero people. That kind of thing didn't bother me too much, I guess. People are tiring, and it's easier to stick to myself. I don't mind my own company, and it's better than navigating a minefield of conversations and social mixers. That's why the second Asher showed up in my sophomore year and started talking about this place his uncle had hooked up for him, I had to get in. Thankfully, he agreed, and I finally got my own room. Living in the dorms my freshman year was a nightmare. As soon as I moved to Hockey House, I found my mojo and never looked back.

Space. Quiet. A place where I can hide away.

That's all I'll ever need.

The sound of sweet laughter echoes in the back of mind. It doesn't belong to any of the girls here. That melody is a memory from my past. It hurts, and it soothes, and it makes me ache and pine in ways I'll never recover from.

I miss my girl.

Even though she belongs to someone else, she'll always be mine. Well, she'll have my heart anyway. Not a day goes by when I don't think about her. It's an undeniable torment.

Tammy Tan.

I wonder what she's doing right now.

She'll have a kid. I'm guessing around four, if my calculations are correct. I try not to ask Dad for deets. I know he'll have them. Gossip and Gladstone are synonymous. He knows everything… he's just wise enough not to tell me.

I don't want to hear that she's happily married, living in the city (he let that one slip) and being mother of the year.

She would be.

Damn, she'd be an amazing mom—fun-loving, kind, playful, organized, invested. She'd love that kid with everything she has, because that's Tammy.

I just wish she could have loved me.

Chosen me instead of him.

Maybe if I hadn't shut down so quickly after?—

I snap my eyes closed, not wanting to think about it.

Pushing back my chair with a loud scrape, I wince and jerk up straight when everyone glances at me.

"I'm just gonna…" I point over my shoulder and feel my muscles tighten at Lani's astute gaze. "Take Fezz for a walk."

His ears perk up at the word walk , and he trots around to my feet, his tail going a mile a minute.

"You're not going to watch the game with us?" Caroline's bright eyes fill with disappointment.

Shit. Why did I say I would?

Because you want to watch the game, dumbass!

I clear my throat, my pulse quickening at that gnawing in my chest, which I can't seem to shake. I just need to walk for a second, get her out of my head… then I can focus on the game.

Rachel eyes me up with her soft, green gaze, her lips twitching before she quietly murmurs, "I'm sure Fezz would love that. You'll be back in time, right?"

Her wink does me in, and I agree before I can stop myself.

"Sure," I mutter, walking out through the kitchen and grabbing the lead from the mudroom. Fezz is prancing at my feet, his excited bark cute and adorable. "Calm down." I grin at him. "Now sit."

He does as he's told, his little body quivering with eagerness. I chuckle and pat the top of his head before clipping on the lead.

"Raf-raf!" He tells me it's time to go, and I walk him out the door, the cool night air kissing my skin.

I should have grabbed a jacket, but I'm not going back in again.

I just need me a minute.

A long, quiet one.

Gazing up at the stars, I'm transported back to those summer nights when Tammy and I would sit on the back lawn, pointing out constellations to each other and making up funnier stories of what those Greek gods really got up to on Mount Olympus. She'd have me in stitches every time.

Will I ever hear her laugh again?

Not like that.

Not like the way it was—all carefree and unchecked.

She's a married woman now. A mother.

Things will never be the same.

I lost her.

And it kills me.