20. Baxter

CHAPTER 20

BAXTER

The night Tammy found out she was pregnant…

Tammy's tears have always been my undoing.

Knowing she's upset kills me.

And even though we're not really friends anymore, I can't ignore what I've just seen.

She's sitting on her bed, sobbing into her hands so loudly that I can actually hear her.

As usual, her parents aren't home, and she's all by herself. Her sister's away at college now, and even if she was around, she probably wouldn't bother to check on her.

Where the fuck is Hudson? Shouldn't he be there comforting her?

Unless they've broken up. Is that why she's so sad?

Hope sparks. Selfish, desperate hope.

Edging to the window, I open it all the way and call through the space between our houses.

"TT. What's the matter?"

She keeps her face covered, but I see the way her shoulders ping. I know she's heard me.

Resting my elbows on the frame, I lick my lips and try again. "Come on. You can talk to me."

Her red-rimmed eyes appear—so glassy and puffy. My heart hurts watching her like this. "Can I?"

The question, said with such stony coldness, makes my stomach writhe. "Of course you can."

She shakes her head, slashing tears off her face and sniffing.

"Please. I hate seeing you like this. What happened?"

"I can't tell you."

"Come on. You can tell me anything."

With a huff, she gets off the bed and walks to her window. For a second, I think she's about to close the curtains on me, but instead she slides the window open and stares at me with this desolate frown. "I can't tell you this."

My lips pinch with frustration, and more than half a year's worth of regret piles on me—hot and smothering. Before last summer, we had zero secrets between us. At least I think we did. Now she's living this whole other life with Hudson and her friends, and I'm on the outside looking in. Watching her laugh and have fun while I stand in the cold, unable to interact with her because every time Hudson touches her, I want to break his fingers. And every time she smiles at him like he hung the moon, my own heart shatters into a thousand pieces.

Gripping the frame, I try one more time. "Did Hudson… hurt you or something? Did he dump you or?—"

"No," she snaps, her frown deepening.

"Then why are you so sad?"

"I'm not sa…" Her voice peters out, her body slumping like she can't bear this weight by herself. "I'm just… scared."

The word jolts me, my protective instincts shifting into overdrive. "Of what?"

She bites her lips together and shakes her head.

"I'm coming over." I move away from the window.

"No, don't." She holds out her hand, but I ignore it, grabbing my phone and shoving it into my pocket.

"If you're scared, I'm gonna be there with you. I don't care what the problem is. You shouldn't be alone right now."

"I don't need you to sit with me." Her voice squeaks, fresh tears spilling out of her eyes when I move back to the window.

"Tammy," I whisper, and her shoulders start to shake.

"I can't be here." Her voice pitches. "I can't do this."

She's not making sense, but I'll do anything she wants me to right now. I have to help her. I have to stop those tears from falling. "Tell me what you need. I'll do it."

"I don't know. I just…" She shakes her head, looking more lost than I've ever seen her. It's so unnerving, I end up taking charge.

That's not usually my role, but she's falling apart right now.

"Put on a jacket, grab a flashlight, and meet me at your back gate. Let's go to the treehouse, okay?"

My suggestion surprises her enough to stop her shoulders shaking. She looks up at me and then nods. "Okay."

And five minutes later, we're tramping through the darkness toward the edge of the forest. We started building the treehouse when we were eleven. We wanted it ready by the summer and spent every spare weekend we could finding bits of wood and adding it to the structure. My dad found out about our project a few weeks in and came to check on it… and basically rebuilt the thing so it was up to code. He'd get home from work and disappear for a few hours, and it took me three days to figure out where he was going. By the time I showed up, he'd completed the structure, and then Tammy and I filled it with all our shit. She called them treasures, while most people would call it junk. To us, we were kings of the realm. Tammy didn't want to be a queen or a princess; instead, we were warriors, guarding our keep and fighting off imaginary trolls and dragons. That was the best summer.

Even as we grew older, we'd keep using it, although we haven't been here since senior year began. And as I climb the rickety ladder, I seriously have to wonder about its safety.

I've grown even bigger this year, my hockey training contributing to my strength and muscle weight gain. But it gives me the ability to pull Tammy up with ease and make sure she's secure on the solid floor before closing the hatch.

She sets the lantern on the table and plunks down on the huge pillows Mom made for us. Dust billows up around her and she coughs, waving her hand through the air.

"Wow," she splutters. "You haven't been here in a while either, huh?"

I run my flashlight beam across the walls and nod. "Not since last summer." I can't help a soft laugh. "Remember how we did that sleepover and a frickin' woodpecker decided to have a night rave?"

She lets out a watery laugh. "That's right. I don't think I got any sleep. Plus, I was paranoid my parents would figure out I lied about going to Grace's house instead. They would have killed me if they knew I was out here with just you."

My laughter dies, my tone getting serious without me meaning to. "Still a good night, though."

"Yeah." Her voice is so wispy, I barely hear it.

Switching off my flashlight, I let the lantern take over and stare at her through the soft glow. Half her face is cast in shadow, but I can still see her chin bunching as she fights off even more tears.

"Tammy, what is it?"

She sniffs, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging them tight. "You can't tell anyone. I haven't even told anyone."

"You know your secrets are always safe with me." I try for a smile. "I never talk anyway, right? And who am I gonna tell? I've got like no friends this year."

Shit, I didn't mean to say that.

I clench my teeth and look away from her.

This sad silence seems to fill the air, and I don't know how to get rid of it. Threading my fingers together, I grip them so tight it hurts.

She sucks in a shaky breath. "I'm pregnant."

The world falls out from beneath me. Everything plummets, like the treehouse has just given way and there's nothing to stop me from falling to my death.

"What?" I stare across at her, unable to hide my shock.

She sniffs again. "I just took a test. Actually, I took three, and they all say the same damn thing."

"But…" My chest caves in, the air rushing out of me in a heavy whoosh. "You and Hudson are sleeping together?"

Her expression buckles when I glance at her, and she nods.

"For how long?"

Closing her eyes, she lowers her chin and mutters, "A few months. We… started just after New Year's."

"New Year's." I nod, my jaw clenching so tight I think my teeth might crack under the pressure. "I thought…" I swallow, my voice coming out hard and low. "I thought you weren't ready for sex."