19. Tammy

CHAPTER 19

TAMMY

"Tammy, this is unacceptable," Mom barks in my ear.

My muscles are so taut, I'm surprised they're not snapping. Talking to my mother always has this effect on me. "It's not up to you."

"He is my grandchild, and you are my daughter. I won't let you do this."

I grit my teeth and try to stay calm. "I can make my own decisions. I'm an adult now."

"Well, you're certainly not acting like one!"

"Mom!" I snap. "He cheated on me."

"So you just leave him?"

My mouth drops open. "What do you expect me to do?"

"I expect you to at least talk to him. You don't just walk away without a word. He's been losing his mind trying to reach you, and you cut him off at every turn. He was in tears last night talking to your father."

My insides pinch into such a tight knot it's painful.

"If he loves me so much, why'd he sleep with someone else?"

Mom sighs. "Because he made a mistake. He's very sorry. And you would know that if you just talked to him. This is why I hate texting! Cell phones are a design of the devil."

I roll my eyes, tempted to tell her that she's talking to me on my cell phone right now.

"They're just an excuse not to communicate properly."

"Mom—"

"No. Don't you cut me off again."

I hold my breath, letting her say her piece. I want to hang up, but my inner child wouldn't dare. The wrath of Mrs. Tan is a fierce one.

"I know he hurt you, and you have every right to be mad. But you have a son together, and you can't just turn your back on your marriage. Go to counseling. Figure it out."

"What if I don't want to figure it out?" The question takes me by surprise, and I blink at the wall. Huh. I did not know I was feeling that way.

"Tamara, don't talk nonsense."

I ignore her and keep going, the revelations coming to me as I say them out loud. "Why can't I experience life without him? Why do I have to stay married to him?"

"Tamara," Mom grits out. "You're not seriously going to divorce him. That is absolutely shameful."

"People get divorced all the time."

"Not in Gladstone, they don't!"

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, well, I don't live in Gladstone anymore." Thank God!

"We still do! Think about our reputation. The shame your sister has put us through over the years with her drinking and partying."

"She was a teenager cutting loose, Mom."

"She got arrested once."

"For jaywalking!"

"That's not the point. You father will never live down the embarrassment of having to collect his child from the police station. Don't you dare be like her. Don't put your father and me through this. Please."

"Officer Dawson didn't have to arrest her. He was being completely over the top trying to make some stupid point because he didn't like her. People know that. You can't keep carrying that around with you. It's ridiculous."

"Oh, I'm being ridiculous? I'm not the one planning on leaving a perfectly good marriage!" Mom snips. "Now, tell me where you are. I'll come and get you myself."

I clamp my teeth together, struggling for calm as I repeat this part of the conversation yet again. "I don't want to tell you where I am. I don't want to tell Hudson where I am. I just want some space to think and breathe!"

"But you're not thinking clearly."

"Maybe I am." I square my shoulders, lifting my chin and knowing full well that if my mother were standing in this room, I would not have the courage to be so bold.

"You're not being practical. How are you supposed to support yourself and Kai? You have a child to feed and raise. You're denying him his father. And a safe, secure life."

"He's safe and secure with me, and not once have I denied him access. If Hudson ever asked to speak with him, I'd hand the phone over in a second."

"Yet you won't tell him where you are."

"I don't want him showing up here unannounced. He needs to respect what I'm going through right now."

"Yet you won't respect him."

"He cheated!" I shout. "He doesn't deserve anything from me!" My hand flies into the air, slapping back against my thigh as I let out an exasperated scoff.

Mom's sigh is heavy. I can feel the weight of it from miles away, and my shoulders slump without my say-so. "I know he made a huge mistake. But Tamara, he's your meal ticket. You live in a beautiful home that most people would give anything to spend one night in. You can buy whatever you want. You don't have to take a calculator to the grocery store, and Kai has a good, secure life. He will go to the best schools, and you don't have to be a working mother. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?"

I close my eyes, hearing the pain in Mom's voice, knowing all the things she sacrificed over the years by marrying a man who would never earn much over the minimum wage. She went back to work full-time when I was just one, and she's always envied the time and attention I've been able to give Kai. She would have done anything to be a stay-at-home mother. But there were bills to pay and two daughters to feed. That's why I spent so much time at Baxter's house growing up. That's probably one of the reasons she didn't like Mrs. Brown. She was jealous, and it's only in my adulthood that I've been able to understand it.

"If you choose this solo-mother path, you'll be working all the time. You'll never see Kai. You'll be too stressed and tired to play with him and give him the attention he deserves. I don't want that for him… or you."

"But you're happy for me to be in a loveless marriage?"

"You love each other." Her voice pitches with disbelief. "Of course you love each other. So he strayed a little. He wants you back. That's love, darling. You forgive. You work through it. You move on."

My soul feels gray and depleted as I plunk onto the end of the bed, fighting tears. Guilt wraps its talons around my heart, squeezing until my chest starts to hurt. I rub the spot below my collarbone, but it does nothing to chase away this aching disquiet.

Mom lets me sniffle in silence for a few moments before softly murmuring, "I know this is hard and I'm hurting for you. I am. But you need a voice of reason in your life right now. A little practicality to speak over all this emotion you're battling."

I fist my flowy dress, crinkling the fabric beneath my fingers.

"You can't just run away. Your friend Baxter always used to do that, and it solved nothing."

My blood runs cold at the mention of him. If Mom knew he was the one I'd run to, she'd hit the roof.

"Do you remember? He'd run and hide when he was upset, and you'd get so frustrated with him."

I bite the inside of my cheek.

"And now you're doing the same thing to Hudson. Things don't get resolved this way. They fester and turn nasty."

My swallow is thick and audible. She knows I'm listening, and so she keeps torturing me.

"Be smart about this. You're not the only person you have to think about. Kai deserves a stable life. And you can't deny that Hudson is stable. He'll provide for you. I know you're probably sitting there second-guessing yourself, wondering if you should have married him. You probably felt a little forced into things because of the baby, but it's a good match. I never would have wanted you to end up with someone like that Baxter boy. As soon as things got a little too tough, he would have been out the door, hiding away and leaving you high and dry. You don't deserve that."

I don't deserve infidelity either.

"Tamara, are you listening to me? You haven't said a word."

I let out a dry laugh and shake my head. There are so many things I could say right now, but I'm not ready to do everything she's telling me. Maybe it's immature, but I don't really care right now. I'm not ready to go back to Hudson… and so I take the easy out. "I heard every word, Mom. And I appreciate that you care so much about me and Kai, but I'm not ready to fix this. I don't want to go back to a man who cheated on me. How am I ever supposed to trust him again?

"Now, I'm safe. Kai's safe. He's fed. He's watered. He's happy. And I feel… free." I blink, realizing it for the first time. I do feel free, and I can't even explain why.

"So, it's divorce, then? Without even trying?"

"Yeah, Mom." My voice quakes. "It's divorce."

"But—"

"I'll talk to you later." I hang up before she can argue with me and drop the phone on my bed.

Splaying my fingers, I stare down at my wedding and engagement rings, twisting them around my finger and feeling a deep sense of sadness. My fingers start to shake as I sink my teeth into my bottom lip and wriggle the rings off, fisting them in my right hand while I stare at the tan lines on my naked ring finger.

Am I really doing this?

"Shit." I close my eyes and set my tears free.

I hate that Mom spoke so practically about everything. I hate that she's got some really solid points.

I can't just sponge off Baxter and his friends. Guests will be arriving soon. Kai and I will have to move out, find a place. I'll need to get a job. Kai should properly start preschool soon to prepare for kindergarten, and I'll need to figure out where we're going to live.

It's all so overwhelming.

Can I do this?

Or should I just crawl back to Hudson and accept what he has to offer—a stable life with a side of mistrust? Because how can I ever really trust him again? Every time he calls to tell me he'll be home late… how will I know he's not hooking up with another woman?

For that reason alone, divorce makes so much sense. I let that bubbling anger surge through my stomach as I slump back against the pillows and stare up at the ceiling. My insides start to ache as I imagine my life as a solo parent—working, rushing around, stressed. Do I seriously want to put Kai through that? His needs have to come first, right?

But do they always?

Don't you deserve a little love too?

Someone who puts you first and makes you feel like you're the only woman in the world?

Closing my eyes, I shake my head to rid myself of that fanciful thought. Does anyone ever really get that?

The way Casey watches Caroline zips through my head, followed swiftly by the joy that washes over Liam's face every time Rachel enters a room.

Maybe that kind of love does exist.

But could it ever exist for me?

What are my chances of meeting someone when I have a kid in tow?

If I divorce Hudson, there's a strong possibility that I'll be single for the rest of my life.

That's harrowing. I rest my hand on my stomach, gripping my dress again and resisting the urge to throw up.

Glancing at the bedside clock, I check the time and am surprised by how late it's gotten. Kai will probably be after a snack by now.

Actually, where is he?

I bolt upright, searching the room in case he quietly snuck in while I was distracted by my phone call.

"Kai?" I softly call out.

Getting off the bed, I place my rings on the nightstand and stare at them for a long beat before walking out of the room and hunting the second floor.

I reach the gate that's blocking the stairs for Fezzik and figure Kai wouldn't have climbed over it, but then I hear his laughter and I pause.

"Kai?"

What's he doing up there?

Oh no! I hope he's not getting into the paint! Baxter's been working way too hard and?—

Another laugh reaches me, and I recognize it straight away.

Baxter?

Climbing over the gate, I run up the stairs and follow the sound of their voices.

Moments later, I'm peeking through a half-open doorway, and my heart melts on the spot.

My little guy is painting the wall, his ragged, untamed lines so chaotic compared to the perfectly neat ones Baxter is doing above. BB doesn't seem to mind. He's moving behind Kai and painting over his work like it's no bother at all.

Music is coming from a speaker in the corner, and Kai trots back over to the paint tray, dipping the roller in, then looking up at Baxter with a cheeky grin.

"Don't you do it." Baxter laughs.

Kai's giggle is adorable as he runs the roller up Baxter's jeans before jumping over to the wall.

Bax makes a big show of his displeasure while Kai giggles and squeals, leaning away when Baxter comes after him with his own roller. I can see the paint on his arms already and figure this must have been going on for a while.

They haven't noticed me yet, and I'm glad, because I just want to stand here for a minute and watch them.

My son is getting to experience the awesomeness that is Baxter Brown.

I remember that time we painted my room. I didn't tell my parents we were doing it, and they threw a fit when they got home and found Baxter and me caked in bright orange paint. The walls of my room were jarringly vivid, but I loved them. Baxter's proud smile was everything, until my mother and father yelled him out of the house and told him to stay the hell away from me.

Thankfully, he ignored them, and we snuck to our few secret hiding spots until Mr. Brown managed to smooth things over a week later. Baxter was allowed back under very strict conditions.

At first, I was worried that my parents would totally screw up my friendship with Baxter, but they never could.

No, I left that job up to me and my stupid mouth that just had to kiss him.

My insides clench.

It wasn't just that afternoon that pushed him away.

And it wasn't like I pushed him that hard. I nudged, and he ran a mile. After that, the distance between us just got bigger and bigger.

Then when I needed him the most, he was too far away to reach.

My heart starts to cry as I think about that night I went to him in tears and the despondent look on his face when he told me to leave…