13. Tammy

CHAPTER 13

TAMMY

The kitchen smells amazing as Rachel and I test out one of her latest recipes. She wants to perfect her high tea menu. Right now, we're working on her scone recipe. We've made them small so they'll fit onto the tiered plates she's ordered, but trying to get the texture "just right" is turning out to be quite the mission. The counter is crowded with baking trays of various designs—from plain scones to ones with dates and another with cranberries.

I nibble on the apple and cheddar creations that have just come out of the oven.

"Oh my gosh," I groan. "The flavor is so great."

Rachel's nose wrinkles. "But the texture is still pretty crumbly. I want them to feel like they're biting into a fluffy cloud, you know?"

"These are not far off," I assure her. "I think you're being too hard on yourself. Seriously, I could eat this whole tray. In fact, these would be great made bigger as like a one-off order. There'll be some people who just want a little bite and a drink, you know? You could have a glass cabinet with a bunch of yummies on display."

"That's true. I've been thinking about that, actually." She pulls out a notebook and starts flipping through the pages. "I've been jotting down ideas of one-off items, but I'm liking your thoughts on the glass display cabinet. We could make it look so pretty." Her eyes start to dance, and I can't help but get in on her enthusiasm. What she's trying to achieve here is so cool.

And in just a few weeks, the place will open for the first round of guests and visitors.

Mikayla's father and step-grandfather are already working on the soft launch. From what Rachel's told me, their marketing team has been emailing constantly with details of what they're promoting and how it's all going to go down.

There's a giveaway running for exclusive weekends in November, and apparently entries are flying in. Plus, on November first, the doors to the café will open for high tea. Rachel is putting together a warm, wintery selection that will be the perfect escape from the icy winds outside. She's got this whole spiel the marketing team have been helping her with.

I'm just stoked to be along for the ride… for now. It's a good distraction. These guys are letting me stay here for free, and I want to pull my weight. I've been cleaning and making sure the renovated villa stays spotless. Baxter is still working on finishing third-floor rooms, and I've been trying to keep Kai and Fezzik out of his hair and away from the fresh paint.

It's been three days living like this, and it's surprising how normal it all feels. Kai seems to like the hockey bros. They're fun and friendly—especially Casey—bringing out a side of Kai I've never really seen before. The girls are lovely too. I've met all of them but Lani, and so far, they're awesome. Mikayla cracks me up. She has no problem telling us exactly what she thinks, and Rachel's the biggest sweetheart. Caroline, with her shock of red hair, is adorable, and the way Casey smiles at her melts my heart every time.

I honestly don't know if Hudson has ever gazed at me the way these guys seem to gaze at their women.

There's a lot of love in this place, and it makes it warm and inviting.

It also makes the thought of going back home to my husband and mess of a marriage so much harder. Guilt constantly niggles. I know I should make contact with him. It's my responsibility as his wife to at least hear him out, right? If I love him, then I should.

But… I don't want to right now.

My house in Chesterfield feels cold and lonely compared to the warmth of this old villa. I know I can't stay here forever, but this is the first place to make me feel this way since… I used to hang out at Baxter's house. His mom would be in the kitchen, creating some kind of healthy option which she swore tasted great but totally didn't. Cookies without sugar don't work. It didn't matter, though, because we'd all laugh and tease her, and she'd pull hidden treats out of the pantry and throw them at us.

"Go watch a movie or something, you cheeky monkeys!"

We'd laugh and scamper off, then snuggle under her handmade quilt and watch TV or play video games.

I miss those days.

They were simple and sweet and?—

My phone buzzes, and I tense. Eyeing it up like it's made from hazardous materials, I'm tempted to ignore it, but Rachel's gazing at me. Snatching it off the counter, I check the screen, my shoulders relaxing a little when I see that the message isn't from Hudson. It's from one of the moms in Kai's swim class.

Does Kai want to come over for a play? Max is driving me insane. He's got so much energy I think he's going to explode! He's like a human tornado today!

I grin, picturing poor Lisa as she tries to manage her wild child. To be honest, Kai doesn't like him that much, but out of politeness, I force him to go there sometimes. It's good for him to learn to interact with all kinds of people—even the slightly annoying ones. I always go with him, though. Which is probably what Lisa is hoping for as well—a little adult company to break up the day. She's a full-time stay-at-home mom like me, and the days can be long sometimes.

Wincing in sympathy, I text her back, unable to ignore my relief as I type:

We'd love to, but Kai and I are still out of town. Thanks for the invite, though.

I hold my breath as little gray dots appear on my screen. I'm hoping she's not going to ask for details and the reason why I'm staying away longer than I originally planned.

Sad face! I hope you and Kai are having a wonderful time. Let's catch up when you get back.

She ends her message with a string of emojis, and I respond with a simple thumbs-up and a love heart. My fingers are shaking as the words when you get back pulse on the screen in front of me.

When I get back?

A panic that is becoming all too familiar slices through me. I try to cut off the emotion and focus on the positive fact that I don't have to explain myself yet. I can only imagine what the mothers and nannies at Kai's various playgroups and activities are going to say.

Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.

Placing my phone back down, I grip the edge of the counter and bite my lips together.

"So, I really love having you here." Rachel grins at me, obviously trying to make me feel better. "It's nice to have a cooking buddy. Have you always enjoyed working in the kitchen?"

"Not really." I shake my head. "My mom was the kitchen queen, and whenever I tried to make something, she'd always take over under the guise of helping." I roll my eyes. "I've had to learn how to cook all on my own, and I've had my fair share of disasters in the last few years. I'm getting better. Slowly."

Rachel laughs. "How about baking? You seem pretty good at that."

"Well, I definitely prefer it. I didn't get many chances as a kid, although I used to try at Baxter's house." I laugh as memories hit me from all sides. "His mom was a bit of a health nut, so it was hard to find the right ingredients for baking something delicious."

"Was she?" Rachel's face lights with curiosity. "Wow. I didn't know that. Baxter never talks about her." She lets out a soft snort. "He hardly talks at all, actually. The guy likes to stick to himself."

I watch her face, wondering if she'll give more away, but she doesn't say anything, and I can just imagine. I mean, when we were young, he didn't have a bunch of friends, but he definitely hung out with me any chance he could. But the day his mom died in that car accident, both Baxter and his dad shut down. It was like the light went right out of both of them. I was devastated, too, but didn't really have time to process it because I was trying to adjust to married life, deal with the fact that I was pregnant, and still get a good score on my SATs.

Seriously, it was crazy and all too much.

All I wanted to do was run to Baxter and hold him, comfort him… but I couldn't. And the day after graduation, he left.

"Hey, you okay?"

I jerk when Rachel's hand brushes my arm.

"Yeah, sorry. Just thinking."

"I know you've probably got a lot on your mind right now. I don't know all the details, but I'm a really good listener if you want to offload."

My shoulders slump with a sigh, and I plunk onto the kitchen stool. "I was just remembering my wedding and that time of my life."

"Oh yeah?" Rachel's expression turns sympathetic. "How long have you been married? Or is this too painful to talk about?"

"Not painful…" I shake my head and wince as though it is. "I was only eighteen. Our parents really wanted us to tie the knot before the baby was born. And Hudson's mom in particular couldn't bear the thought of me showing when I was walking down the aisle, so we had this little wedding thrown together in like three weeks flat." My throat grows thick. "We didn't have a honeymoon. I was at school two days later, going to class and trying to study for my SATs. We lived with his parents until after graduation, which was… awful. " I bulge my eyes. "I mean, they're not bad people, it's just not a comfortable way to start a marriage. I felt like I was under a microscope, and my mom was constantly calling and checking in as well." I huff and stick out my tongue. "That summer, his parents let us live in their rental, and I guess it got a little easier after that, but it just…" My shoulder hitches. "Wasn't what I'd dreamed as a kid, you know? Some shotgun wedding and then moving in with my in-laws. It…" I let out a humorless laugh and shake my head.

"Yeah, I can imagine." Rachel starts cleaning up the counter, throwing away eggshells and wiping up flour dust. "So, the fact that you're staying here for a while… does that mean your marriage is not in a great place or…?"

"I guess that's one way of putting it." My shoulders hitch with a hopeless sigh. "I caught him cheating on me."

"Oh shit."

"Yep." I nod. "They were doing it in the shower."

Rachel gasps. "You walked in on it?"

"Yeah." My eyes bulge, a shudder running through me. "And I have no idea if it was a onetime thing or if he's been seeing this woman for months. He works long hours in the city, so who the hell knows."

"Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry." She means it. I can tell by her sincere expression and gentle tone.

I rest my elbow on the counter, cradling my chin with a sad pout. "I really don't know what to do other than ignore him for now. Though that's probably immature. I need to face this, but I just want to hide and pretend like it isn't happening to me."

Rachel nods, rinsing off the dishcloth before turning to face me. "Do you still love him?"

For some reason, the answer doesn't come quickly. It's not that I'm struggling to word things just right. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I'm feeling.

Eventually, I nod and murmur, "He's the father of my child."

"But do you really love him? Do you feel it here?" Rachel taps her chest.

I close my eyes, thinking about my time with Hudson. We did have some good moments. When we first got together, I adored him. I was obsessed. He was everything. And then I got pregnant, and it was terrifying. Marrying him was the only option our families would let us consider, so we did, and I guess it was pretty good. His proposal was this big romantic gesture, and when I said yes, the whole school cheered. It felt great. But then Kai was born, and he became my world. We moved to the city and Hudson got that job, and we just turned into two ships passing in the night. He was desperate to impress his bosses and rise through the ranks. He did. Fast. Because he's so good at what he does. And I made my life all about motherhood and filling the spaces for Kai when his dad couldn't be there to play with him.

Do I still love Hudson?

A part of me always will, I guess. "He's the only guy I've ever been with," I admit out loud, then feel the heat rise through my body when I think about that summer with Baxter. Our swimming hole mishap will be forever burned in my memory.

I've wondered a thousand times what would have happened if we'd slept together that day. Would he have become my boyfriend? Would Hudson have not even caught my attention?

Would my life have turned out completely differently?

"That's why the betrayal hurts so much more." Rachel's voice is soft and kind. I glance at her, and we share a sad smile that gets disrupted by the oven timer.

She takes out the next batch of scones, and we eye them up like scientists until Baxter walks through the door.

I see him from the corner of my eye and can't help turning to face him. He's so big and powerful, yet those eyes are so gentle and?—

"You've shaved." I state the obvious with a wispy voice as I'm hit with a battering ram of nostalgia. Without that beard, he looks like my best friend from high school. Sure, his face is more refined and manly, but there's my BB.

And he's one hot ticket.

The pulse of desire that beats through me is intensely strong, and I jerk my eyes back to the safety of the scones so I can catch my breath before daring to look at him again.

"Yeah." He rubs his face. "Sorry I didn't get to it earlier."

My eyebrows buckle. "Why did you do it at all?"

He glances down at Kai, who's hovering behind his legs. "Thought it was about time I stopped looking like a big, scary bear." He gives me a subtle wink.

And there goes my heart, melting to putty. Baxter has always been the sweetest, most considerate guy. That's why he was my best friend.

Kai steps to the left, and I notice the hockey stick in his hands.

"Whatcha got there, kiddo?" I ask, then laugh when he gives me that hopeful smile of his. "What's up?"

My gosh, he's so cute. Those big eyes and that adorable face. My heart starts bleeding as I think about the way he has his father's nose and chin. No matter what I choose to do over Hudson, a piece of him will always stay with me.

My son looks up at the giant beside him. They share a wordless conversation of some kind, and then Baxter chuckles and looks at me. "Do you mind if I take Kai to hockey practice with me this afternoon? He's never played or seen a game, and I thought he might like it. He's got quite the swing on him." He lightly ruffles Kai's hair, and my son's smile turns shy and proud all in the same second.

"Sure, I'm okay with that. I can get you his booster seat out of my car." Crouching down beside Kai, I squeeze his shoulder and quietly double-check. "You want to go?"

He bobs his head.

"Baxter will take good care of you."

"Yes, he will," Rachel pipes up. "Baxter's the best."

Now it's his turn to look all bashful and proud.

He always was adorable.

I look up at his handsome face and can't help grinning at him. His lips curl up at the corners, and I drink him in for a second.

I've missed you so much.

The words are right on the tip of my tongue, but I can't say them. Instead, I go to grab my car keys and sort Kai out for his little adventure into town.

With Baxter.

Wow. That's a shift from the day we arrived. It hasn't taken much for my son to defrost in this place. It feels miraculous somehow. Kai's always been a slow burn when it comes to people. He watches them carefully before sharing a smile. He studies from a distance and creeps into a game after he thinks he'll enjoy it.

And now he's willing to drive off with this man he barely knows so he can watch a hockey practice.

A man I trust, even though I haven't seen him in years.

As I walk up the stairs, I can't help asking myself that question once more. If I hadn't chickened out that summer, would things have been different?

And yeah, I think they would have.

Sure, Kai wouldn't exist, so obviously I'd never wish to change what happened. But for a fleeting moment, I let myself imagine that Kai is Baxter's son. And it's impossible to deny that my little boy would be having a very different life if that were the case.