12. Baxter

CHAPTER 12

BAXTER

Present day…

Rubbing a hand over my clean-shaven face, I gaze in the mirror and shake my head. Shit, I look so much younger without a beard. I may be twenty-three now, but I still feel like a kid sometimes. A clueless boy who doesn't know how to navigate this great big world.

That feeling grew a million times worse when I lost Mom, but it started that day I lost Tammy. I mean, I guess I didn't lose her with the brutal swiftness that Mom was taken from us, but it felt like the beginning of the end somehow.

Sadness sweeps through me, weighing down my bones and making me feel small.

I can't let it win.

I've got hockey in forty minutes, and my Mini Mites need me sharp and enthusiastic.

Resting my hands against the sink, I let out a heavy sigh, and that's when the door squeaks behind me.

I glance over my shoulder and spot a little pair of brown eyes. They bulge when our gazes connect, and then he disappears.

A soft chuckle rumbles in my chest. I was just like that as a kid.

Shit, I couldn't talk to anyone. My mom freaking made me say hello to any guest who walked in the front door. It was always torture.

But I loved to stand on the edge of a room watching.

It felt safe somehow. Like I was hidden in the shadows but could see everything.

Wiping down the sink, I throw the towel in the hamper and head down to my room. I live on the top floor with Asher, Ethan, and Liam. The next two floors down are for guests, and Casey has been relegated to the pool house thanks to the stench of his shits and Fezzik's early morning barking and bathroom breaks.

He was pretty pissed about it at first, but he lost the vote fair and square.

Now the only thing to disturb my sleep is Liam and Rachel's sex life. Those two are noisy, and they're in the room right next to mine. Thankfully, Ethan and Mick are on the quieter side, but I still hear the odd moan coming out of their room if I happen to pass at the wrong moment.

Asher's room is down at the end of the hall, so I don't hear much from him. Lani sleeps over occasionally, but she's mostly in her dorm, especially when he's gone for away games. She's pretty into her studying, and now that she's a junior, the workload has intensified that much more.

I don't mind when she stays. She's neat and organized and respects everyone around her. Just quietly, she's one of my favorite hockey girls. There's just something about her that I warm to. I feel more protective of her than I do the others. Maybe because I know what she's been through. Maybe because I let her in on my secret love for Tammy.

Who knows.

But we're tight, and I always love it when she's at Ponderosa.

Padding down to my room, I walk in and dump my stuff before grabbing out my hockey gear.

The door squeaks behind me, and I glance over my shoulder to spot those brown eyes again.

He gasps and disappears behind the wood.

"It's okay, Kai. You can come in. I'm just getting ready for hockey practice."

He doesn't respond, and I assume he's run back to Tammy… until I hear the door creak once more.

I move slowly, keeping my expression casual and my gaze off his face as I pack my bag for practice. I have a few extra sticks to take—they rattle together as I dump them in the open bag.

Kai eases into the room, and I keep ignoring him, not wanting to scare him away.

He's been here for three days now, and although he's still super quiet, he's getting a little braver. Chasing Fezzik around is helping with that. That pup can get Kai's giggles going, and he sounds so much like his mother when he laughs that it always trips me up.

Tammy's been quiet but calm as she potters around, helping Rachel with cleaning and whatever else needs to be done around this place. Yesterday, I caught them swooning over menus and cooking ideas.

I think Rachel's fallen for Tammy as fast as I did.

It's hard not to. She's sweet and funny, and although she's not as lively as she used to be in high school, I can see that spark lingering. At least I think I can. If she wasn't hurting so badly over what Hudson did to her, I'm sure she'd be filling this house with laughter and mischief. She couldn't help herself when we were younger. She was always after the fun, talking me into crazy shit just for a laugh.

Clenching my jaw, I crouch down by my hockey box and sort through a few pucks, throwing them into the bag as Kai shuffles up to my bed. Resting his elbows on the duvet, he cups his cheek and watches me work.

Not saying anything is becoming harder and harder, so eventually I give in and quietly ask, "No Fezzik, huh? He sleeping?"

Kai nods, the left side of his mouth dipping.

"Your mom said you're not allowed to wake him, huh?"

He nods again, and I can't help a snicker. "I guess you just have to think about how much energy he'll have when he wakes up. He'll be busting to play with you."

Kai doesn't respond to that, and I wonder if I said too many words this time.

It's obvious that he doesn't like to talk much, although Casey seems to be able to get the words out of him. When the guy's home, Kai follows him around like a puppy. Casey cracks jokes that make the little guy smile, and he even growled and turned himself into a bear last night. I thought that would scare the shit out of Kai, but he just squealed and took off running, his laughter bouncing off the walls as Fezzik and Casey chased him. Caroline was over, and she got all misty-eyed for a minute as she watched them. Casey nabbed Kai and threw him in the air, catching him and tickling the poor kid until he nearly peed his pants.

Rachel got up and gave her a kiss, murmuring something soft that I only just caught the end of. "…great dad one day. When the timing's right."

Caroline smiled and mouthed, "Thank you," then went back to watching her boyfriend play.

I shared a look with Tammy, who was smiling and crying all at the same time as well.

It broke my heart a little, because I knew it was for different reasons. Caroline still mourns her miscarriage every now and again… as far as I can tell.

Tammy's mourning the fact that her husband is a disloyal shithead… I think.

She's definitely torn up, and I don't know what to do about it… or how to help her.

Clearing my throat, I stand and watch Kai step back from me.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, kid." I smile down at him, then rub my cheeks. "I even shaved off the scary beard for ya."

His nose wrinkles. "You did that for me?"

"Yeah." I nod.

The boy eyes me up, his lips twitching like he wants to smile, but maybe he's just a little afraid to do it.

Shit. What was his home life like?

Hudson may be a douche, but he never struck me as the kind of guy who would scare his family. He was always so charming and cared too much about appearances to be anything other than cheesy.

But was that plastic veneer hiding a darker side?

Part of me wants to ask, but I'm worried Kai will take off if I do. Maybe Tammy will tell me, if I can get her alone for long enough to talk to her. This house is way too busy sometimes, and when everyone's at school, she's always with Rachel.

Crouching back down by the bed, I get eye level with Kai and see if I can coax a proper smile out of him. I have no idea what to say or how to relate to a kid this age, but…

Yes, you do. You coach Mini Mite hockey.

I reach for a stick and pull it out of the bag.

"You like hockey?"

Kai eyes the stick, his right shoulder hitching.

"You ever watched a game?"

He shakes his head.

"Okay, well, it's my favorite sport. Casey loves it too." Even the mention of the guy's name makes Kai's eyes light up. "And do you know what I do two afternoons a week?" I wait to see if he'll respond. When he just keeps staring at me, I hold out the stick to him. "I coach kids about your age how to play. Here."

I jiggle the stick, and he cautiously takes it off me.

"That's it." I grin, standing up and grabbing another stick. I look ridiculous because it's so small compared to my own, but I bend down and get my stance about as good as I can. "Now, you want to hold it here and here." I show him where his hands should go and then move around behind him to correct his stance. "Good job." I copy him and demonstrate. "Now, you swing back like this and then hit through like… this." I swing the stick, hitting an invisible puck and holding my stance for a second before looking down at him.

He assesses me for a long, slow beat before trying to mimic what I did.

"Yeah. Yeah, that's good." I correct his elbow, then crouch down and ask him to show me again. He executes it pretty damn well, and I grin, searching the room for something he can hit.

One of Fezzik's soft toys is just under my bed where he left it, and I snatch it out, placing it on the ground and instructing Kai to hit it.

He misses the first time, only skimming the top. His little face pulls into a frustrated pout, which makes me laugh.

"It's okay. Try again."

His eyebrows dip together, his tongue poking at the side of his mouth, as he lines himself up and let's rip.

The toy goes flying, spiraling across my room and thumping against the wall before dropping back to the floor.

"Yes!" I hold up my hand for a high five, and he gives me a hesitant look before grinning and jumping up, slapping his little palm against my open hand.

It feels like the win of the century.