44. Leilani

It’s stating the obvious to say that I’m miserable.

Everyone can see it, and no one seems to be doing anything to change that fact. Even my therapist just had to sit there while I numbly stared at the wall for an hour. She was really good about my inability to talk. I mean, I gave her the very brief rundown, firing out my explanation as fast as I could, and then my energy was zapped.

All I could do was sit.

And she sat with me in silence… and it was honestly all I could manage.

Lack of sleep isn’t helping.

Nights are long and painful as I toss and turn, questioning myself over if I made the right decision and driving myself crazy over my reaction to Harvey. Why did I think he was the one? Why did I have such a physical recoil when I met him? He sent me into a spiral, and he might not even be the one who raped me.

I still can’t make my brain 100 percent believe he didn’t.

But then the thought of Asher’s cousin raping me makes me want to curl into a ball. I’ve lost the man I love either way, but I really don’t want that for him. He’d be so cut up if he knew someone he loves had done something so abhorrent.

Asher.

My nose starts to tingle, my eyes burning as I stare at my laptop and try not to think about him.

I miss him so much.

Not seeing him is the main reason for my misery. I just don’t want to admit it to anyone, because I never wanted to be that girl who needed a guy. I want to be independent and strong on my own, but…

He’s left a gaping hole in my life.

I mean, I can survive without the guy, so maybe I don’t need him. Maybe I just want him because surviving isn’t the same as living.

We weren’t together for that long, but even in that short time, I fell hard. Because he gets me. He’s sweet and caring, and he put a flower on my breakfast tray. The way his face lights up when we discover yet another thing we have in common. The way I can nerd out with him over Harry Potter and trivia… and classical music.

It’s like we were destined for each other, which is a romantic notion that I can’t buy into, because if we were meant to be, then this thing with Harvey wouldn’t be happening. I have to take it as a sign and just accept the fact that Asher will never be mine.

But that thought is a killer. My chest aches, my stomach writhes, my brain burns for him.

I miss him.

I want him back.

But it’s too complicated. Too difficult. Too?—

My thoughts cut off, my body going still when I glance up and spot him walking through the library toward me.

How did he know where I was?

Why is he here?

Why… does he look so cut up?

My heart cracks wide open when he stops by my table, his expression wretched as he drinks me in and looks on the verge of tears.

I sit forward, worry coursing through me. Pushing my laptop aside, I give him my full attention. “Are you okay?” I manage to whisper, my resolve to not see or talk to him again completely disintegrating.

I thought going cold turkey would make it easier, but screw that. He needs me. I can sense it.

The chair beside me scrapes against the wooden floor as he pulls it out and plunks into it.

“Asher?” I want to touch his hand, curl my fingers around his arm… something! But I’m scared that any physical connection will be my undoing.

That was the first thing I succumbed to—his sexy arms and lips and… that one kiss after the quiz night was something I couldn’t control. And let’s not even think about the elevator sex.

Curling my fingers, I take it a step further and sit on my hands.

He rests his elbow on the table and stares at me. He’s wrecked, shaky breaths punching out of him. His eyes are glistening like he’s about to start crying.

I’ve never seen him like this before.

“What is it?” My voice is a gentle coo, because I will do anything to find out what the hell is bothering him so much.

He shakes his head, swallows, then lets out a shuddering sigh.

“Asher, come on. You can’t just walk in here and not say anything. It’s freaking me out.”

What happened to him? Was it one specific thing, or has he been like this all week?

Is his torment still over the breakup? Is he here to try and win me back?

Has he been hurting as deeply as I have?

Shit. Am I strong enough to withstand it if he starts begging?

He opens his mouth, his lips trembling before he manages to choke out, “Please forgive me.”

“What?” My voice is barely above a whisper as confusion shimmers through me. “What do you mean?”

He swallows. “I made you doubt yourself.” His breath hitches. “I didn’t want to believe the truth, so I bought into his fucking lies, and I made you think you were wrong. And I’m so sorry.”

It takes me a second to catch up, but when he finally looks me in the eye with nothing but pure agony, I get it.

“It was Harvey.”

Asher clenches his jaw and nods.

“How do you know?”

His chin bunches, and then he lets out a breath and spills it. Every detail of his horrible family function, from the moment Harvey tried to get him drunk to Halsey’s secret in the pool house to his uncle’s ugly threats.

He’s slashing tears off his cheeks by the time he’s done, and my heart is hurting in new ways I’ve never experienced before.

I bulge my eyes, trying to process all of this and think of the right thing to say.

It’s impossible. There is no right thing to say because… holy shit!

Glancing around, I struggle to breathe evenly, grateful that we’re in a quiet pocket of the library. No one else is around, and that realization helps me find my voice.

“Do you think your uncle knows what Harvey’s like… or does he just suspect it?”

“I don’t know.” Asher shrugs and sniffs. Swiping his finger under his nose, his eyes spark with a dark look of anger… and hurt.

This is killing him.

His nostrils flare as he bunches his fists. “I want to fucking kill Harvey. How could he lie so easily? He looked so innocent, but that ass-fuck is probably guilty of multiple rapes. Fuck!” he whisper-barks, his hair flopping over his forehead.

Thrusting his fingers through it, he lets out another string of whispered swear words.

I let him go for it because he obviously needs to let this all out.

I’m still in too much shock to find my anger. I don’t even know what I’m feeling.

“I should have stuck around and beat the shit out of him before coming to see you,” Asher seethes.

“No.” I curl my fingers around his fist. It’s an instinctual move. Thoughtless. Reckless, maybe.

It’s first contact.

I rub my thumb over his knuckles and can’t deny myself anymore. It feels so right to touch him.

His fingers unfurl and I slip my digits against his palm, squeezing tight and loving his instant warmth. It spreads through me in spite of this harrowing conversation.

He stares at our connection, his face bunching in agony as he raises my hand to his lips and holds a long kiss against my skin. Closing his eyes, he shudders before finally whispering, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Nothing,” I tell him, my voice sounding steady and sure as I comfort him. “Asher, this isn’t your fight. If I want to take this further, it’s between me and Harvey. You don’t have to get involved.”

“I’m already involved.” He looks me in the eye, and I can see new tears building on his lashes.

Is it possible to be more in love with him now than I was three minutes ago?

His agony over this is heart-wrenching and endearing… and speaks to how much this all means to him.

He’s a good man with a soft heart, and… I love him. I love him so much.

Which is why I can’t let him lose what’s most important to him.

“You have to step back from this. Even though I know you hate what Harvey’s done and what your uncle threatened…” I shake my head, scrambling for the right words to convince him. “I can’t let you throw this all away for me. If you have to pick a side, you need to choose them. They’re your family. And you stand to lose so much. Hockey House? I mean, you can’t risk that. You could lose?—”

“I can’t lose you.” His voice is raw with emotion as he takes my face in his hands. “I won’t.”

His eyes are wet with tears, and I can’t help joining him as we stare at each other and I soak in those words.

I wrap my fingers around his wrists, loving the feel of his hands on my face. Hating the agony riding through him… and me.

But in spite of this pain, there’s something else too.

Something I can’t keep pretending I don’t want.

“I can’t lose you either,” I finally blubber, giving in to my heart’s desire and lurching for his lips.

He kisses me back and we sink into each other, his arms winding around me as much as they can at this awkward angle. I nudge my seat around so I can climb out of it and into his lap.

As my chest hits his, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and cling like I never want to let go.

Because I don’t.

Ever.

And I know that means a shitstorm of trouble is coming our way, but if we’re gonna have any chance of surviving it, we need to hold on to each other… just like this.