43. Asher

I don’t know how I left Lani’s room on Monday night. I don’t actually remember it. I think Casey took me away, held my arm as we shuffled out of Huxley Hall together.

My brain has been in a fog ever since.

The week somehow passed me by, and now I’m standing in Uncle Hayes and Aunt Carla’s house wearing a suit and tie while I mingle with the rest of my extended family. My parents have flown in from New York, and my twin brothers are loitering near the fireplace, talking in hushed tones and looking bored out of their minds. I should go talk to them. We haven’t spoken in months, but I can’t make myself move away from the window.

I don’t want to be here.

I miss Lani.

She’s gone cold turkey and cut me off. I guess it’s easier for both of us that way.

Doesn’t make it less painful necessarily, but apparently time’s a healer, whatever the fuck that means.

The guys at Hockey House have been giving me a wide berth, probably because every time they talk to me, I growl at them like an angry bear. Shit, I must be so fucking painful to live with right now. They’re probably all relieved I had to leave the house for the day to come down to this… what are we even celebrating?

Ugh, like I give a shit.

Sipping my whiskey, I stand on the edge of the room, listening to my mother go on about how amazing my brothers are. “They’re really taking the business in a wonderful direction. Austin’s given them two new projects to work on, and they’re both booming.” Her laughter is loud, proud, and fucking irritating.

I glance across the room, glaring at the perfect twins with their smug smiles and bored expressions. They’ve spent their life soaking in Mom’s praise to the point where they don’t even appreciate it anymore.

“And did you hear Austin’s lined up an internship for Asher this summer?” She spins to beam at me. “Like the twins, he’ll need to earn his stripes. He’s got some big learning to do before he can work for Bensens Co.”

“I think it’s so great you encourage that, Annabeth.” Aunt Carla gives her a tight smile. She’s waxing eloquent, but I know for a fact that Carla thinks my mom’s a plastic Barbie doll. And she hates the way my parents continue to pressure me and control my life.

She’s always let her children express themselves and pursue their dreams.

No wonder I like her better.

No wonder I wanted to be a Carmichael and not a Bensen.

No wonder Lani didn’t want to come between us all.

Fuck! I hate this.

I get why she made that decision. If Harvey looks like the guy who hurt her, then I shouldn’t expect her to be around him. It’s too complicated, right?

Logically, I need to let her go and move on.

But I can’t.

She’s all-consuming, and I miss her with an ache so deep, it’s killing me.

Gulping back my glass, I stalk out of the room, nearly running into Harvey and Halsey.

“Hey, man. You good?” He looks at me with a friendly smile, and all I can do is scowl at him. “Whoa.” He laughs. “What’s your problem?”

Stalking away from him, I feel my shoulders tensing as he follows me.

“I know you hate these things, dude. But make the most of it.”

I walk around the bar and find the bottle of whiskey, refilling my glass while he leans there trying to sell this to me.

“You get free booze, plus the privilege of hanging with Zee and me for the day. That’s not a bad payoff to spend a little time with your olds, right?”

Halsey throws me a weak smile, darting her eyes at Harvey before looking over her shoulder. I’m waiting for her to lean in with a conspiratorial whisper and say some shit like “Let’s brainstorm. How are we going to torture the twins today?”

But she doesn’t.

Maybe my foul mood is throwing her off. She can obviously read me better than my oblivious cousin can.

“Dude, seriously. You’re killing my buzz here. Would you smile already?”

I slam the bottle down with a huff and glare at him. “I just broke up with my girlfriend, and you want me to smile and laugh like nothing’s wrong?”

“Oh yeah, that’s right.” He winces. “Forgot about that.”

I narrow my eyes at him, a growl rumbling in my throat. “Considering you’re the reason it ended, I’m surprised you could dismiss it so easily.”

He scoffs and touches his chest. “Dude, we’ve been through this. I am not the reason this ended. It’s not my fault I look like him,” he finishes with a grumble, sipping his vodka and shooting his sister a sour frown. “I told you this guy’s fucking delusional.” He tips his head at me, then gives me a sharp glare. “You can’t go blaming me for this shit. Now get over yourself and let’s turn this snore-fest into something interesting. Or you can fuck off and go sulk in the pool house.”

Clenching my jaw, I feel my nostrils flaring as I snatch my drink and mutter, “Fine,” before stalking out the side door and heading for the pool.

Unsympathetic asshole!

I wrench the pool house door open and storm inside, pacing the room and downing my drink in one big gulp. It burns my throat, and I welcome it. Maybe I should get totally shit-faced. That can dull the pain and make this afternoon bearable, right?

I’ll need at least three more tumblers to really have any effect. Two small glasses is hardly enough.

I walk over to the cabinets, pulling them open and seeing if there are any leftover bottles around when the door pops open.

“I’m not in the mood, Harv!” I shout over my shoulder.

“It’s Zee.” Halsey’s soft voice makes me pause.

I let out a heavy sigh and turn to face her.

Her smile is sad, reflecting the ache in my chest, so I let her stay, because I think she gets it. She must have had some girl dump her in high school or something. I know she was dating some Vanessa chick for over half a year.

Shit, I was with Lani for less than two and my heart is shattered.

“So, Harvey told us about your girlfriend and the rape thing. Said he reminds her of the guy, and it’s put this huge strain on your relationship.”

I grunt, spinning my glass between my fingers and wishing there was still some liquor in there. “It ended it.”

“That sucks.”

“Yep.” I pop the P and look away from her.

“Do you love her?”

My shoulders slump, that familiar sadness swamping me yet again. “Yeah.” My voice sounds rough and raw, doing nothing to hide the pain riding through me. “But it’s all too complicated for her.”

“Yeah, I get it. She can’t be around Harvey, even if he’s not lying. It’s too traumatic for her.”

I nod.

“And if he was lying, well…” Her voice trails off, and I glance up, frowning at her.

She clears her throat, her movements stilted as she edges farther into the room. Glancing over her shoulder, she spins back to face me with a look I’ve never seen before. “We’re not having this conversation.”

“Huh?”

Her eyes take on a worrying sheen and she blinks, looking down at her hands while she fidgets with the ring on her pointer finger. “One of my friends in high school accused Harvey of raping her. It never stuck, because according to what everyone else said, she was making out with him, and no one believed that the sex wasn’t consensual. But she swore that when he started taking things too far and she tried to stop him that he wouldn’t listen. She told me he was rough and just wouldn’t let up. She felt violated and…” Halsey blinks, wrapping her fingers around her arm and wincing. “I, of course, sided with my brother because he’s fun and sweet, and he would never do something like that, right? He was so cut up that she would accuse him that way. You should have seen him.” She glances up at me, her expression buckling even more. “But that isn’t the only time I’ve heard stories like this. And now… I can’t help wondering if maybe he did it. Because I’m pretty sure if you asked around at Lennox…” Her voice wobbles while my stomach writhes. “You might find some other girls who…” She shakes her head, her body snapping to attention when the pool room door opens.

She bulges her eyes at me before quickly turning to spot her father.

“Oh, hey.” I can tell she’s putting on a smile. Her voice is overly bright and breezy.

“Hey, cutie.” Uncle Hayes winks at his daughter. “Mind if I have a quick chat with Asher?”

“Sure.” She glances over her shoulder, her face folding with concern before she forces a smile and walks out of the room.

I watch her go, my heart pounding so hard, I nearly miss the fact that my uncle is talking.

“…find it hard, and I completely understand. Parents can be difficult.”

I blink and try to catch up to what he’s saying.

“But family is important, son. Even when we don’t always like each other, we have to be loyal and true. We fight for each other, no matter what.”

My head bobs automatically because I know that’s what it’s supposed to do.

And it’s only then that I notice the hard gleam in my uncle’s eyes. I’ve never seen him like this before, and my gut twists into a painful knot as he stops mere feet from me and looks me right in the eye. No, not looks—he’s fucking glaring at me.

“How dare you accuse my son of raping your girlfriend.”

“I… I didn’t.” I shake my head. “I simply asked him if he did.”

“Do you not see how abhorrent that is? That you would even think for a second that Harvey was capable of such filth!” He lets out a disgusted scoff. “I’m ashamed of you.”

I blink, struggling to reconcile this man with the fun-loving uncle I grew up adoring. Struggling to wrap my head around this shit when Halsey just told me her secret.

“You know…” Uncle Hayes bites his bottom lip, shaking his head with a disappointed frown. “I’ve always thought of you like my son. I’ve spoken up for you, pulled strings for you. I’ve provided free housing for you. I even got that apartment for your little friends—Rachel and…” He flicks his fingers in the air.

“Mikayla,” I croak.

“That’s it.” He clicks his fingers, then slides his hands into his pockets, all smooth businessman, like ruffling even one of his feathers would be an impossible task.

“So, when you accuse my actual flesh and blood of something so disgusting, it actually hurts me, Asher.” He bores into me with an admonishing stare that’s hard to counter. “You hurt me.”

I end up dipping my chin, hating myself for it, wishing I didn’t feel like a ten-year-old kid being reprimanded. His disappointment is like a tsunami wave trying to take me out.

“How am I supposed to stand up for you when you’d willingly betray the family this way?”

“I haven’t betrayed anyone,” I mutter.

“You bought into some woman’s lie without hesitation. You came at Harvey with nothing but your anger and your bullshit.”

My eyebrows rise as I let out a surprised breath. “I’ve gotta stand up for my girl. You get that, don’t you?”

His eyes narrow as I find the strength to look right into them.

“She was raped. Violated by some asshole. And she thought it was him. I couldn’t just turn my back on that, ignore how she was feeling. I had to make sure.”

“Hmmm.” He nods, his tongue skimming over his top teeth. “I’d be very careful if I were you.”

His soft warning gets my back up, an eerie chill running down my spine.

“You have a lot to lose if you don’t play your cards right here. As I already mentioned, we provide… so much for you.” His voice grows soft and steely. “We don’t have to do that, you know? We’re under no obligation to take care of you. You’re not our son.”

My lips part, his words wrapping around me like poisonous barbs.

“And all of those generous, kind-hearted gestures could so easily be taken away. In an instant.” He snaps his fingers. “You know what I mean?”

And that’s when it hits me.

Like a fucking sledgehammer to the side of my head. I get it.

He’s not calmly throwing out these threats because of some miscommunication. He’s warning me off because he knows Lani might be right.

Well, fuck me.

The truth is like a punch to the gut.

It’s impossible to respond as Uncle Hayes points at me. “All I’m saying is that you need to put your family first. We’ve looked after you, and now you return the favor. Don’t go spreading shitty rumors about Harvey. You stay loyal to him, no matter what. You feel me?”

My only response is a soft breath, which my uncle must take as consent, because a broad smile crosses his face.

“Excellent. I’m glad we understand each other.” Holding out his arm like he wants to hug me or something, he tips his head toward the door. “Come on, buddy. Let’s go eat.”

When I don’t move, he starts walking for the door.

And I can’t follow him.

I’m too numb to move.

I can’t fucking believe this.

I can’t fucking believe?—

A breath catches in my throat.

Lani. I have to get to Lani.

“You coming?” Uncle Hayes turns to check on me, his friendly smile faltering when I slam my glass down on the bench.

“I’m not hungry,” I seethe.

His eyes flash. “Don’t make a mistake now, son.”

“I’m not your son. Remember?” I grit the words out, relieved that I didn’t have time to find another drink. I’m still sober enough to fully grasp this shitty conversation. I’m still sober enough to drive.

Hurrying past my uncle, I head straight for my truck and Nolan U. I don’t bother saying goodbye to any of my relatives. I can’t stand in a room with those fucking people playing pretend. Not after what I just heard in the pool house!

“Fuck,” I whisper under my breath, cranking the engine and tearing away from their lush mansion as fast as I can.

I’ve got to see my girl.

I’ve gotta make this right.