42. Leilani

Caroline and Casey stayed with me, even after I told them they should go out and do something fun. They refused, so we sat on the floor nibbling on melted ice cream. I ate a few spoonfuls but quickly gave up. My stomach feels like it’s been put through a blender.

I sniff again, curling my legs against my chest as we watch a movie on Caroline’s laptop. She chose the most unromantic thing she could find, but I’m still struggling to watch it. My brain is mush.

And as much as I hate this about myself, all I want is Asher.

Which is probably why, when there’s a gentle knock at the door and I hear his soft voice say, “It’s Asher. Can I come in?” my heart almost leaps out of my chest.

I sit up with a gasp, then hold my breath, my chest burning as Casey gets off the bed and opens the door for us.

“Hey, man.”

“Is she here? Is she okay?” The worry in his voice makes my heart hurt.

I still can’t believe this is happening.

I can’t believe how unfair this all is.

“Yeah, bro. She’s here.”

Casey opens the door a little wider, and I spot Asher’s face. He’s pale and cut up, barely able to look me in the eye as he walks into the room and finds a perch against my desk. Gripping the edge of the wood, he drinks me in, and his voice sends tendrils firing through me when he asks, “You holding up okay?”

I nod, my lips trembling as I try to smile at him.

His expression is wounded and raw. And I have to ask, “Are you?”

“No.” He shakes his head, dipping his chin with a heavy sigh. “My girlfriend was raped, and I want to kill the guy who did that to her.”

I let out a quivering breath.

“But part of my problem is… is…” He works his jaw to the side.

“It’s your cousin,” Caroline finishes for him.

“That’s the thing.” Asher looks up with a frown. “I just went and confronted him, and he swears he never did that to you… or anyone.”

My chest constricts, ice flooding my veins.

Caroline glances at me, then back to Asher. “Well, he must be lying.”

“He looked so genuine,” Asher croaks. “He wasn’t defensive. He was horrified that I would accuse him of something like that… and I’m torn in half over this, because I want to believe you.” His eyes land on me. “I love you and want to back up whatever you say. But… what if it wasn’t him?”

I curl in on myself, hugging my knees and blinking.

It would fix it, right?

If it wasn’t Harvey, I could be with Asher and… and…

It’s not that simple, though, is it?

Even if it wasn’t him, Harvey is just like the guy who did that to me. Which means I can never be around him. I’m not strong enough to handle it, which means I can’t be with his cousin. A cousin who adores him and loves him… and is completely wrecked over the idea that he’d do something like that to me.

I shake my head, softly trying to make him feel better. “Maybe it wasn’t him.”

“No.” Caroline shoots off the bed, frowning at Asher, then spinning to face me. “Don’t second-guess yourself. You had a gut feeling today, and it was right. Your physical reaction to seeing him was overpowering.”

“But maybe he just reminded me of the guy. And I can’t go accusing an innocent person.” I shake my head, and Asher’s shoulders dip.

A relieved sigh punches out of him, a trembling smile cresting his lips as he pushes off the desk and walks toward me.

I hold up my hand to stop him. “It still doesn’t change anything between us.”

“What?” His face goes ashen, the broken look in his eyes enough to slaughter me.

But I have to hold strong. My reasoning is sound.

“We can’t be together anymore. Every time I look at Harvey, whether it was him or not, I’m going to be reminded of what happened.”

“So don’t see him!” Asher flicks his hands wide, but we both know as soon as the words are out there that his suggestion is unrealistic.

If we love each other, we’ll want to carve out a life together, and we can’t just exclude an important chunk of his.

“I’m not going to do that to you,” I whisper. “I won’t be the girlfriend who alienates you from your family. They’re too important to you.”

“You’re important to me.” He drops to his knees beside my bed, reaching for my hands and begging. “Please, don’t do this. We can work through it. I want to be with you. I love you.”

I sniff, licking my lips and trying not to fall apart in front of him. “I love you, too, but it’s too hard. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but ending things now will be less painful in the long run.”

He’s shaking his head, but he knows I’m right.

I can see it in his eyes.

Caroline and Casey have gone painfully quiet, though I can sense them in the room still, watching us with heartbroken frowns. They get it. Everyone in this room is hurting.

Because they all know I’m right.

Leaning forward, I take Asher’s face and lightly kiss him. His lips are soft and beautiful, pressing against mine as both comfort and loss swirl through me.

I pull away while I still have the willpower to hold strong on my resolve.

Rubbing my thumb along his cheek, I try to smile and silently let him know how much he means to me.

“Thank you,” I whisper. “Thank you for everything you gave me. I’m really gonna miss you.”