48. Chapter Forty-Eight

Chapter Forty- Eight

Nolan — Now

E verything was falling apart at the seams.

The wood cracked and I cursed, chucking it across the shed. I rubbed at my jaw, taking a deep breath before I fetched a new piece of scrap wood. Grabbing a pencil, I again carefully drew the outline of what I was trying to carve. It would be easier to use a stencil, but I was prideful, and I needed this done by hand.

The door groaned open, and I glanced up, finding Brooks. “It’s about time,” I said, grabbing the drill gun. “I need you to attach these brackets onto the flower boxes. Please.”

He lingered in the doorway, looking like he wanted to say more, but whatever it was, he held it in and grabbed the drill gun. “Everything alright?” he asked, measuring where to attach the brackets. “You sounded kind of . . . frantic on the phone.”

“Everything’s fine.”

“You sure?”

I rolled my eyes. I was tired of everyone asking how I was. “I’m fine.” I grabbed my chisel and hammer, slowly engraving into the scrap wood. There was no way I’d try this on the real piece until I had it perfect. I’d already tried five different designs before this; nothing seemed good enough. “Indy might be leaving sooner than I thought, so I’m trying to get these things done. Thanks for coming to help. You got those papers I asked for?”

He reached into his back pocket, setting the papers on the table. There were perks to having a brother in the Forest Service. “Something happen?”

I shook my head, grateful he accepted that as answer enough and started on the flower boxes. I didn’t mind talking to him about it, but I didn’t know what to say when I wasn’t sure what had happened.

I’ll see you at home.

Then why wasn’t she home?

I pulled out my phone, my chest squeezing when it confirmed what I already knew. No missed calls. No new messages. I hesitated before putting it away, considering calling Indy’s dad again. But what more could he tell me than he had when I’d called before?

She left in my truck about an hour ago. I don’t know where she went.

I put away my phone and started to chip into the wood again. Maybe I was wasting my time. Nothing was working. I had no idea how her conversation had gone with her mom, only knew she’d told me she was coming home. I should trust her—not everyone left.

But that wasn’t true. Whether it was today or next week, soon Indy was leaving. It was inevitable, a fire waiting to burn us alive.

I should want her to leave sooner.

“Is there a reason you won’t ask her to stay?” Brooks asked. “I’d get it if you two were just looking for a good time, but this”—he motioned to the flower boxes, the papers he’d brought—“no one puts this much effort into a fling. You’re more gone for her than you were as a teenager, Nolan. It’s obvious Indy feels the same.”

I clenched my jaw, almost snapping at him to mind his own business. But as I watched him finish the flower boxes, I realized, if anything, my brother might understand. “You remember when Shay left a few years ago?” I asked, already knowing he did. “You came home from the hospital without her, said she went back to California. Levi and I were madder than hell at you for not chasing her down and asking her to come home. But you held firm. Said you wanted her to decide to be here all on her own.”

Brooks tipped his chin, understanding settling on his face.

“It’s kind of like that for me.” It wasn’t quite the same. Brooks had something to offer Shay. “Indy gave up everything for me. She planned her whole life around me and my dream. I’m not sure anyone has ever wanted me to win as badly as she does, and for once, Indy deserves to win. I want to watch all her wildest dreams come true, even if it means losing mine.”

My chest burned, further proof of how right I felt about this. Slowly, I’d come to accept that Dad hadn’t intended for this to be a second chance to get our marriage right. He’d truly intended for this to be a second chance at goodbye.

After all, that was what Indy and I had agreed on. I refused to ask her to take a risk on me again. Not when I knew she’d always put me first—even when it hurt her. It didn’t matter that I’d accepted I needed help and was on medication. There was no fixing me. I might feel okay now, but my mind would never entirely be my own. I’d always be holding my breath, waiting for the fog to roll in and block out the light again. I was okay with that. I’d come to terms with it, that I couldn’t change this piece of myself.

But I could protect Indy from it.

I worked longer than I planned, staying even after Brooks left. It wasn’t until hours had passed, the sun had set, and I’d splintered three more blocks of wood before I accepted defeat and stepped out of the shed. Stepped into the reality where Indy might already be gone. It was why I’d pushed off calling her, not wanting to succumb to the possibility she’d left.

I had no choice but to accept it now.

I walked up the back porch and opened the door, surprised as a ball of black fur scurried past my feet. “Genny!” Indy cried, her voice a breath of fresh air. She stood in the kitchen, grocery bags hooked on her arms. “Nolan, could you grab her please? I have a few more things I need to bring inside.”

Dumbfounded, I grabbed Genny before she could wander off. I held her with one arm, cradling her to my chest as Indy carried more bags in. “You will not believe how many funny looks I got for pushing Genny around in a shopping cart.” She unbagged the groceries, giving me no explanation as to what was going on. “I mean, it’s Walmart. One time I saw someone with twelve-inch toenails walking barefoot through the store—I think I should be allowed to push my cat around in peace. Oh! I hope it’s okay I just came inside; the door was unlocked—Why are you looking at me like that?”

She froze with one hand on the fridge, her cheeks blooming beneath my gaze. If I was looking at her any different than I usually did, I didn’t know. All I knew was I couldn’t look away. “You didn’t leave.”

“The month isn’t over.” Her voice was hesitant, like she thought I might disagree. “I know it’s dinnertime, but I thought we could make breakfast for dinner? Or we could wait until the morning?”

She held up a carton of eggs and a box of pancake mix. She wore a sheepish smile, probably believed it was a simple, silly thing. To anyone else, it might’ve been. But to me, having the woman of my dreams plan a future with me—no matter how small a time frame—was everything.

“Both.”

She smiled, and I set Genny down before I moved for Indy, pulling her in for a kiss. As we made up for lost time, I thought of the way my conversation with Brooks had ended.

“What about you?” he had asked. “What about how you’ll feel when she’s gone? I don’t . . . I don’t want to lose my brother again.”

I had shrugged him off. Told him I’d be fine.

It was a lie, and he knew it as well as I did. I was riding a high, and soon enough I’d have to come down. I’d crash and find myself broken. But I kissed Indy anyway, pretended she was mine to hold and cherish. Pretended we weren’t outrunning a ticking clock. I didn’t care if I hit rock bottom as long as I didn’t bring her with me.