18. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

Indy — Now

T he Falcons had won.

We’d left the stadium an hour ago, but I swore the cheers were still echoing in my ears. The fans had been so loud, so rowdy, you would’ve thought it was them who’d won. It had been a good game, and since the agency represented a few of the players on the Falcons, I should have been excited for the win. And I was.

But I hadn’t won a single thing.

“I’m going to get something to drink,” Levi shouted over the music, the club strobe lights casting a blue hue on his skin as he climbed out of the booth. “You sure you don’t want anything?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” I told him, feeling guilty when Nolan didn’t follow him to the bar and stayed in the booth with me. I shouldn’t have accepted Levi’s offer to go to a club and celebrate. But one look at Nolan and his somber expression had me agreeing. Inviting Levi to the game had been a spur-of-the-moment decision. I thought he’d be a good buffer, and it’d been something of a peace offering to Nolan, knowing how much he adored his little brother.

Then why did it feel like I’d done something wrong ?

“Don’t feel like you can’t drink just because I’m here.” Maybe something I’d said last night was holding him back. “I don’t mind.”

His gaze was on the table as he smiled to himself. “Nothing I’m trying to hide from tonight.”

I forced a dry laugh, even though there was nothing funny about it. “Well, thank you,” I mumbled, not sure if he could hear me over the music. “I’ll take it as a compliment that you can be around me without needing to be plastered.”

“I told you I haven’t found anything strong enough to kick you yet, peaches.”

My eye twitched—I despised that ridiculous nickname. “Suit yourself. I’m getting a drink.”

I shifted out of the booth, stopping when Nolan looped his fingers around my wrist. His calluses were rough, but his hands were warm and careful. “Be here with me.”

I swallowed hard, understanding. He wanted me to be here, truly here. No intoxication, no hiding. He was asking too much. “I’m just having one beer.” I slipped out of his hold, grateful he didn’t protest. He might be strong enough to be around me without a drink—or boundaries and walls—but I wasn’t. He was already making me want things I’d long left behind.

After shoving my way through the herd of sweaty people, most of them wearing Hawks or Falcons T-shirts, I found Levi at the bar. But instead of ordering a drink, I said, “I’m going to head out.”

He glanced at Nolan, likely assuming his brother was the reason for my sudden departure. “Alright. But before you go, I figured out how you can make it up to me for pretending I stopped existing just because my brother’s an idiot.”

I laughed, not sure how I managed through the twinge of pain in my chest. “I’m sorry.” When I moved to the East Coast, I’d considering reaching out to Levi—he’d always been special to me—but I’d convinced myself it was better I didn’t. I’d never once considered how that could’ve made him feel. “You couldn’t stop existing even if you tried, Levi. But I promise I’ll do a better job of showing it.”

He wiggled his brows, his grin boyish and young. “You better. Especially since I’m technically still your brother-in-law—”

I groaned, hiding my face in my hands at the sound of his laughter. When I’d called Levi before my flight to invite him, I thought he’d be shocked to hear I was still married to his brother, but Nolan had already told him. I might’ve been annoyed had I not been so envious over how open and unabashedly himself Nolan was with his family.

He used to hide from them, but it was obvious he didn’t anymore.

Before I could stew in self-pity, Levi put his hand on the small of my back. “Come on, you owe me a dance.”

“What?”

“I told you: I figured out how you can make up for ignoring me, and this is it.” He ushered me toward the dance floor, even as I pushed down on my heels, protesting. I hadn’t danced in years, and while I was fine embarrassing myself, I didn’t want to dance. Levi must’ve realized I was one second away from bolting and mustered up the best puppy dog eyes he could. “Please? It’ll make all my wildest dreams come true.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.” One dance wouldn’t kill me. I grabbed his hand, putting it on my waist. “My feet aren’t leaving the ground, and if you even try, you’ll find my shoe where the sun don’t shine.”

“Deal.” His other hand found my waist, prompting me to put mine on his shoulders. “But I was really hoping you’d pick me up.”

I laughed, and it was distraction enough that I didn’t panic when I realized the song we were stepping into was some kind of hip-hop—and most everyone around us was grinding on each other. Levi must’ve been as uninterested in doing that with me as I was with him, as he kept us at a slow two-step. But I learned this might not be about dancing at all when he pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of us.

“Why did you send a picture of us to Brooks?” I asked, seeing his brother’s name on the message.

He gave me a sheepish look. “A couple years ago, Nolan danced with Brooks’s girl. He’ll be happy to see justice served.”

I shook my head, and before I could remind him I wasn’t Nolan’s girl, I spotted something else on his phone. “Was that . . . was that your niece? ”

“Yeah. Wren—but we usually call her Winnie. Have you met her yet?”

“No,” I rasped, only now learning her name. Sensing my curiosity, Levi handed me his phone, this time with a photo of his niece on the screen. I’d caught a glimpse of it at the game when he’d shown me his artwork, but I’d been too afraid to look.

Heart burning, I peered down at the picture, immediately drawn to the little girl’s eyes. They were blue and round, full of genuine joy. She was propped between Nolan’s and Levi’s shoulders, her fists tangled in their hair, the three of them wearing silly grins.

“She’s beautiful.” When he didn’t ask for his phone back, I continued to look through his photos, namely the ones of his niece. “You can definitely see pieces of Brooks in her.”

“It’s funny how life works out like that,” he agreed, a bit of awe in his voice. “Shay says it’s because she was meant to find Brooks.”

“What’s their story?” I asked, gathering there was something more, though I wasn’t sure I deserved to know.

Whether I did or didn’t, Levi told me anyway. “About a year after Dad died, and Brooks was about to drive Nolan and me up a wall, Shay moved into town. He was bound and determined to make her get lost, but she wouldn’t have it.” He shook his head, smiling to himself. “There’s a whole lot more to it, and I’m sure if you asked Shay, she’d tell you, but she’d found herself in a bad situation. Instead of letting it break her, she broke free instead. She moved to Wallowpine, alone and pregnant, to start her own life. Lucky for Nolan and me, she made room for Brooks too. They got married, and he officially adopted Wren shortly after that.”

Warmth flooded my chest, and I was surprised with how good it felt to know Brooks had found something worthwhile. “Her name is Wren . . . Is she named after Jake’s wife?”

He smiled, but this time I could see the sorrow in his eyes. Sorrow we all felt. “The one and only.”

I pressed my lips together, not knowing what to say. Wren had been a phenomenal woman. She’d always been in my corner. I was grateful to know she must’ve impacted Brooks and even Shay enough that they’d named their daughter after her. I was glad a piece of her lived on.

“Nolan . . . he didn’t tell you any of this?” Levi asked.

“I didn’t ask.” I avoided his gaze, not wanting him to see my shame. The regret I’d felt for not wanting to know, thinking it was better to stay in the dark. “I’m still learning how to be around Nolan again.”

Levi closed his mouth, his shoulders rising with a deep breath. “If I’m being honest, I’m surprised you two ever learned how to live without the other.”

Needing a break, I thanked him for the dance and slid off to the bathroom. Locking the door behind me, I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself to relax. To forget Levi’s words, and everything they’d brought to the surface. No matter how I tried, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever learned how to live without Nolan. But I wasn’t about to admit something so vulnerable to anyone. How it felt like I was simply going through the motions—focused on graduating, the internship—all while keeping my eye on the end goal. I was barely living at all. But anytime I slowed down, life caught up to me and reminded me why I was running in the first place. After everything I’d done, the heartbreak I’d inflicted and the life I’d stolen, I had to make it right.

I had to keep going.

After patting myself down with a damp paper towel, I combed my fingers through my hair, cringing at the mess—I was Raggedy Ann reincarnated. Curls were high-maintenance, and I hadn’t shown my hair the care it deserved in years. Accepting there was no hope in taming my curls tonight, I slipped out of the bathroom and into the hall.

The lighting was dim, the music distracting enough I almost didn’t spot the figure leaning against the wall. “You warmed up for me?” Nolan’s arms were loosely crossed over his chest. He wore his ball cap backward, and his jeans were worn and faded, as were his boots. There was no denying how out of place he looked in the city, nor how good he looked. “I can wait all night if I have to, but I want to dance with you.”

A shiver crawled up my spine, my voice a choked rasp. “You already had your turn. ”

“I need another.”

“We don’t always get what we want.”

“Exactly. That’s why I said I need another. It’s much more than want.”

I faltered, hearing the desperation in his voice. I’d heard it before, but never for me . I glanced down the empty hall, my heart pounding. Each beat was confirmation I’d done the right thing turning him down. It was dangerous—exciting—being here alone with him, hidden from everyone else.

I leaned against the opposite wall, keeping as much distance between us as I could manage. Nolan asked in a whisper, “How are we supposed to work through the past if you can’t even stand to be with me for more than five minutes?”

“What are you talking about? We’ve been together the entire day—”

“No, we haven’t.” His voice was low, but he spoke with enough intensity I kept my mouth shut. “You might believe otherwise, but I know you better than anyone, and I know when you’re shutting me out. Whether it’s watching what you say, wearing your headphones, or putting my own brother between us, it’s obvious you’re trying to keep me away. If that’s what you want, fine. But it’s not going to help us at all. We’re supposed to be fixing the past. Not burying it even more.”

I blinked quickly, opening and closing my mouth as I tried to come up with some sort of response. What was I supposed to tell him? How could I possibly let him in, let him see what I was feeling, when I could barely stand to feel it myself? “It’s only been a few days—you can’t expect us to be best friends already.”

“No, but I thought you’d at least be willing to try.”

I bit my lip, wanting to tell him he wasn’t trying either. But as I stared at him, saw the exhaustion in his eyes, I realized Nolan flying across the country with me had been him trying. And I’d repaid him by shutting him out.

“It’s hard for me . . . It’s just been me for years. I don’t know how to let someone in.” I’d admitted it quietly, hoping he wouldn’t hear me over the music. But from the fierceness in his gaze, he’d heard me loud and clear. Not liking how it felt like he could see beneath my skin, I added, “And yes, I invited Levi because I thought he’d make tonight easier, but I invited him mostly for you.”

He snorted. “Yeah? Was kissing and dancing with him for me too?”

“I’ve never kissed Levi—” I shut my mouth, finally understanding why he was being like this. Why he’d been in a mood most of the night. “Are you . . . jealous?”

There were shadows cast on his face, but I could see his skin darkening along the collar of his shirt. He avoided my gaze, likely uninterested in talking about this any longer. That was too bad. He’d wanted me to let him in, so I’d let him in.

“I kissed his cheek, Nolan. His cheek.” I pointed a finger at him. “It’s not my fault you did nothing. You don’t get to be upset because you let life happen to you instead of doing something about it.”

When I saw our faces on the jumbotron, I’d frozen. I’d never wanted to crawl under my seat more than I had then. But the cheering fans and the high of the game was enough to break my fear, and it’d been second nature to lean toward Nolan. But when I caught sight of his rigid frame and the emptiness in his eyes, I’d remembered myself and leaned the other way.

Once the moment passed, I hadn’t thought of it again. Not only because it was harmless and done in good fun, but because I couldn’t think about it. I didn’t want to remember the sour taste in my mouth, the rejection in my heart. But now, seeing how bothered Nolan was by it, like he had any right to judge who I did or didn’t kiss . . . it made me see red.

“What more do you want from me?” I bit out, not bothering to wait for a reply, or to consider having this conversation elsewhere. “I gave you everything. My dreams, my heart, my body. I saved all my dances for you. I gave you all of me. And now, years later, after you let me go—you can’t handle the fact you have to share? That maybe, just maybe, someday I’d like to kiss someone else? Dance with someone who isn’t you?”

Nolan just watched me. Was he silent because he was embarrassed? But when his lips stretched into a crooked grin, I realized how wrong I was. “Are you saying you’ve only ever been with me? ”

I froze, realizing what I’d said. I opened my mouth to tell him he was delusional, but then stopped. What was the point in pretending it wasn’t true? I’d only ever been with him, big deal. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. I wasn’t embarrassed by that. But there was something deeply vulnerable about standing in front of the only man who’d ever held my heart, knowing he couldn’t say the same. I’d never seen him with another woman, but I’d heard stories of how he bounced from girl to girl, and those were painful enough.

“Go on.” I held my chin high. “Have your fun. Tell me how pathetic I am.”

I waited, waited for him to crack a joke or laugh in my face. But he didn’t do that. No, instead he stepped toward me, giving me nowhere to run. The tips of his shoes touched mine, leaving only frail inches between us. I didn’t move, didn’t dare breathe as he leaned over me. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” His voice was a low rasp, meant for only my ears. “Keep letting me in, Indy. I like what I see.”

He shifted, close enough his heat became my own. My mouth was dry, my chest rising in shallow breaths against his frame. I made no move to slip away from the wall, away from him. It was what I should’ve done. But I didn’t want to peel my body from his, to break the daze he watched me with, as though he truly liked what he saw.

Just when I was about to do something foolish, two men stumbled into the hall, shouting. Nolan grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the way as one of them shoved the other into the wall.

He gripped my waist, urging me out, and I would’ve let him, had I not seen a familiar face.

I twisted in his hold, searching over his shoulder. “Is that—”

“Calder Rohan. Yup.”

Shit.

I ended up doing something foolish after all.