19. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Ninetee n

Indy — Now

I f I’d learned anything interning at Victory Lap Agency, it was to expect the unexpected. Evelyn had ensured I understood that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t always be able to anticipate my clients’ thoughts, and I needed to be ready to go with the flow and do what was necessary to fulfill their needs.

I couldn’t say I ever anticipated being almost knocked out by a major league baseball player.

“I’m fine,” I murmured as Nolan pulled back the ice pack I had pressed against my eyebrow, inspecting it like he had any clue what he was doing. “It’s not a big deal.”

“I still think you should press charges.”

“For what?” I laughed, wincing at the throbbing pain beside my eye. “If anything, Calder should press charges against me. I’m the one who jumped on his back.” I curled my legs beneath me on my futon, relieved to be home and off my feet.

I was exhausted, both from traveling and the game, along with the events that occurred after I’d attempted to break up the fight. I’d barely landed on the baseball star’s back before I earned an elbow to the head and was tossed on the ground. It’d taken Nolan and Levi both to tear them apart, and after confirming Calder and the upset Hawks fan, both too drunk to stand straight, didn’t want to call the police, Nolan had helped me get Calder out.

Despite it being one in the morning, I tried calling Evelyn again, groaning when it went to voicemail. Not knowing what to do after I’d gotten Calder in a cab, I’d tried getting ahold of her. After thirty minutes of nothing and a mumbled address from Calder, I’d had a car take him to his home in Boston. I could only hope that when she woke up, she’d think I’d done the right thing.

All day, I’d stressed over when I’d have to take Nolan back to my apartment—or lack thereof. It was less than four hundred square feet. I’d shoved my dresser in the closet, leaving enough space for a futon, one cabinet, and a miniature fridge and stove. I’d told Nolan he’d have to sleep on the floor and likely wouldn’t fit in the shower, but he didn’t seem to care.

He sat against the wall across from me and stretched out, running a hand through Genny’s coat as she lay beside him. “You gonna tell me why you threw yourself between two men twice your size, or should I just assume you were that eager to get away from me?”

I bit my lip, playing with a loose strand from the blanket on my lap. It was stupid of me to try and intervene in the fight. But I couldn’t live with myself if once again, I stood by and helplessly watched as someone threw all their hard work and talent out the window. But I didn’t tell Nolan that. “Calder’s one of the agency’s clients. He has somewhat of a not-so-good reputation, and the agent who represents him is a friend of mine. I thought I could help.”

He hummed under his breath, and I hoped he’d leave it at that, but then he continued, “He’s amazing at baseball, that’s for sure. Probably could go down as one of the greatest—but that’s only if he doesn’t drink himself into the ground first. I’ve heard he almost never plays a game sober. If she cares about him, she’ll get him some help.”

I had no idea if Calder did or didn’t play intoxicated, but he wouldn’t be the first. It was banned, but there were plenty of MLB players who enjoyed a drink or two in the dugout. “Evelyn does care about him.”

“Yeah, probably cares just enough to make sure he can keep playing. ”

I bristled, not liking the accusation in his tone. I knew for a fact how much Evelyn cared about Calder, about all her clients. “It’s not fair of you to judge him.” Maybe it wasn’t fair to throw Nolan’s drinking in his face, but neither was him being a hypocrite.

He chuckled under his breath, smiling like I hadn’t called him out. “Anything else you want to say?”

My stomach churned. This wasn’t the route this conversation was supposed to take. We weren’t ready for this. We didn’t survive the first time, and we wouldn’t again. But then I remembered . . . Nolan and I had already lost everything. Having this conversation wouldn’t destroy us.

We’d already done that.

“I knew you shouldn’t have come.” I despised the rattle in my voice. “You knew it was a bad idea, yet you did it anyway.”

“What the hell does that mean?” His glaze flicked to mine, his brows furrowed. “Besides you not wanting me here, why shouldn’t I be here?”

I let out a heavy breath, telling myself to give it to him straight. “Nolan,” I started, not a hint of judgment in my tone, “you wanted this life. You wanted to be on that field, under those lights. But it didn’t work out that way, and I wouldn’t blame you if being here . . . being here with me brought up some bad memories. If it made you sad, or even bitter. I wouldn’t blame you.”

He laughed, the sound abrupt and short. “You think I’m jealous of Calder Rohan?”

“I don’t think you’re jealous. But no one likes seeing someone living the life that should’ve been theirs.”

He stared at me, and not for the first time I wished I could read him like I used to. Know him like I used to. I was clueless, lost. One minute it felt like he couldn’t stand me, and the next it seemed like he couldn’t stand to be without me.

“You’re right, I didn’t get the life I wanted. But not a piece of me wishes to trade lives with Calder or any other player. ”

“You’re telling me if you could, you wouldn’t go back and change the past? You wouldn’t do things differently, so it was you on that field?” I pressed, not knowing why I couldn’t accept his answer as enough.

“I’d change a hell of a lot.” I gave him a look: see , I told you . But then Nolan said, “That doesn’t mean I’m envious of Calder. If anything, I feel sorry for him. And after everything we’ve been through, I can’t believe you’re not trying to help him more.”

“He’s not my client,” I said in a rush, my palms sweaty. “But even if he was, what do you expect me to do? I can’t make someone do something they don’t want to. You know that more than anyone!”

“So his health, his well-being, none of that matters as long as he comes out on top?” He shook his head, and I didn’t know if it was disappointment or sorrow in his eyes. “Winning is not everything, Indy. And you of all people should understand that. You should be learning from the mistakes we made. Not repeating them.”

“When have I ever won anything?” This conversation was no longer about Calder. It had never been about him at all. “No matter what I do, I never win! Every day is a loss—I’ll never be able to change the past. I can’t give you your dreams back, and I can’t save you! My only hope is somehow landing this job, so I can maybe give someone a chance—”

“Wait.” Nolan narrowed his gaze, his tone hard. “What do you mean, land this job?”

I rolled my eyes. Of course, out of everything I’d said, that would stand out to him. “You want me to let you in? Fine. I’m not an agent—the only thing I’ve ever been is a glorified assistant. I’m twenty-seven years old, I’m unemployed, and the only sure thing in my life right now is my student loans.” I gritted my teeth, hating that it wasn’t judgment or anger in his eyes. It was concern. “I have no idea where my life is going, but you know what terrifies me the most? It’s not getting this job or being alone. It’s that redemption might not be possible for me and I’m going to feel like this forever.”

“Redemption? What the hell do you need redemption for? ”

How could he ask me that? How dare he look at me like he couldn’t see my stained and broken soul. As though he hadn’t been there when I destroyed something pure and innocent.

“Why do you think I went into this career?” I cried. To hell with boundaries and secrets. “My life has always revolved around you—always! But it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. And I made you lose everything! I just want to make it right. I want to prove to myself, and to that whole damn town, that I can be different. That I can give someone what I failed to give you.”