Chapter Thirty-three: What I Never Knew I Always Wanted

Gia

WHAT I NEVER KNEW I ALWAYS WANTED

Performed by Carrie Underwood

I hung up with Rory, turned off my phone, and pocketed it before picking up the picture of the couple in the Hollywood hills that sat in the middle of the dresser—an elegant and beautiful pair who resembled movie stars from the golden age of the twenties and thirties. I scrutinized their faces, looking for a hint of Ryder and catching sight of him in the woman’s eyes. The shape of them was the same as his.

“That’s Great Grandma Carolyn and Great Grandpa Harry.” His voice startled me, and I almost dropped the frame. Some bodyguard I was if even Ryder could sneak up on me. He walked over to me, took the picture from my hand, and stared down at it. “They met while working at MGM Studios back in the day. She was a costumer, and he worked in props. They got married and had Granny all while living it up in LA, but something happened that had them running back here, to Harry’s home. If anyone knew what happened, they never passed it down to us kids. But Carolyn and Harry brought tons of old movie memorabilia with them that we loved playing with when we were little.”

I tried to ignore the spike to my pulse that occurred simply by him standing next to me, but it washed through me anyway.

Ryder took in the room, frowning. “Uncle Phil didn’t know shit about decorating. He must have tried to redo the room. None of Granny’s stuff is here, but that comforter is awful.”

“Where’s Addy?”

“She passed out on the kitchen table, so I put her in the bunk in the room across the hall.” He set the picture down and put his hands on my shoulders, turning me to face him. His eyes bored into me in a way that made my feet turn to lead. “I almost lost you both today,” his voice cracked, and I was right back in the moment at his house after Maddox had kissed McKenna. The moment when Ryder had looked at me like he’d wanted to do the same. As if the I love you his brother had given his fiancée was going to slip from Ryder’s lips directed at me. But how could that be? We barely knew each other. We’d spent a handful of days together where we’d just started to share a few pieces of our lives. All of it done under intense pressure.

It couldn’t be love. It had to be attraction. Respect. Uncontrollable lust. And yet, something deep inside me objected to my brushing the idea of love aside. When I’d seen that red dot on Laredo’s henchman’s forehead…when I’d thought it might take Ryder too…I’d experienced the most abject terror I’d ever felt in my life. If he’d been shot… God… I swallowed hard, not knowing what to say. Not knowing if I actually could say any of the ridiculous notions I was thinking.

It didn’t matter if I said any of it aloud, though, because in the fake lighting my phone had filled the room with, Ryder read my soul anyway.

His hand moved, skating along the marks on my throat—the dark spots that proved I’d failed more than once since I’d shown up in Willow Creek.

“Sadie forced an epiphany on me at Phil’s funeral,” he said, his already gruff voice taking on an even deeper, rawer quality. “I was coming back to tell you when I saw—” His throat bobbed. “I know this isn’t your home. I know you have a life that looks nothing like the one you’ve been living here with us. But this…” He cupped my cheek, and one long finger slid over my bottom lip, causing every particle in me to ignite. “What I feel when you’re next to me… It’s worth chasing. It’s worth exploring. I don’t want you to walk away without me telling you how I feel.”

My heart pattered and pounded as if I was a teen girl with her first crush. Except, this was so much more than a crush. It felt like the forever I saw in my brother’s eyes when he looked at his fiancée. I didn’t know how to assemble the reality of the worlds Ryder and I lived in, but I knew he was right. This feeling… the possibility of having this…it was worth something. I just wouldn’t know what it was until we’d explored it fully.

Maybe if we gave in to this uncontrollable need for each other. Maybe if we lost ourselves in each other’s bodies for a few moments, the feelings would loosen their hold on us. Maybe all of this was just some severe form of lust and desire intensified by the situation. But I was also terrified that it wasn’t. That both Ryder and the emotions I felt would end up sticking to my bones in a way that I couldn’t shake, that would have me willing to walk away from my future to become part of his. To be his.

As he continued to stroke my lips, staring into those private places of me I’d never shared with another person, I could feel myself stepping over some invisible barrier that I’d never be able to recross. And yet, I did so anyway. I didn’t tell him to stop, and when he tugged me closer and our hips collided, I simply slid my hands over his shoulders and down his arms.

He’d removed the suit jacket he’d been wearing, and I was suddenly desperate to touch his bare skin, to feel his warmth radiating through me. I undid the shirt buttons with hands that shook, pushing the white cotton aside to reveal the flat, muscled expanse beneath. His breath hitched as my fingers danced over the dark hair and silky six-pack. When I glanced up, there was a fire raging in his eyes but also the questions I couldn’t answer yet aloud. I had to experience this first before I had the conversation he wanted. Before I gave up everything. I needed to know for sure it was what I suspected.

“I can’t talk about tomorrow yet, Ryder. It’s too much.” I covered his hands with my own, moving them to my breasts, curling them over me. “But I want this. I want you. Right now. Make me believe what I feel with your touch.”

His eyes closed. Thick lashes rested against bronzed skin before they opened again to reveal a delicious inferno that would devour me. He pulled away from me, and for a moment, I thought he was going to back away even though I could feel the solid proof of his desire pushing into me. Instead, his palms slid under my ass, and he lifted me into his arms, carrying me to the bed full of dancing fairies—a wildness in their movements that I felt growing in us.

I fitted my mouth to his, and heat burst along our lips. Actual flames I hungered to both douse and ignite. When we landed on the bed with him on top of me, pain shifted along my bruised body, and I couldn’t help a small gasp that escaped me.

He pushed himself up on his palms, corded biceps working, concern fighting with the hunger in his gaze. “Damn it. I hurt you. You’re hurt. I—”

I wrapped my hands around his neck, attempting to pull him back down to me. He fought me. Sinewy muscles pulsed in his arms, but I leaned up enough to snag his bottom lip with my teeth, sucking it into my mouth. He groaned, holding himself tight for a single heartbeat before he gave in and kissed me back with a ferocity that sparked the simmering flames until it felt like they would swallow me whole.

I ran my fingers along the smooth expanse of his back, down over the deep V at his waist, and around to the button of his pants. He stopped me before I could pop it open, pulling back enough to practically tear my flannel shirt off, revealing the same plain bra I’d worn all week.

He growled in approval, one hand finding a pebbled tip through the fabric as his head descended back to mine, lips joining, tongues battling. Theoretically, the embrace was nothing different from what I’d shared with others, and yet this one branded me. I’d never again experience this same intensity. This unbridled desire. This craving that only he could fill.

He unhooked my bra, tossed it aside, and bent to devour one breast with his mouth while gently massaging the other. Every nerve ending in my body sizzled, the energy crackling through the air like lightning strikes. His hands dropped away, undoing my jeans and dragging them down my body, touching, kissing, tormenting as he went with a wet mouth and nipping teeth.

When I was in nothing but my underwear, he rolled back onto me, lips finding mine again, but I sensed he was still being careful. That he was worried about hurting me. I didn’t want him holding back. I wanted everything the heavy weight of him could offer.

“Don’t you dare hold back on me,” I whispered against his lips.

His gaze cut to mine, and I slammed my hips into his, the tension causing a moan to escape us both. He trailed wet, ravenous kisses along my bruised neck before easing down my body, tasting every inch as he went. Savoring me. My thighs shook when the coarse bristle of his beard landed on them. My hips bucked as he sucked at me through my underwear before almost tearing them from me and landing those tantalizing lips on my heat. My body shuddered as my control slipped further away.

His fingers joined his mouth, and I whimpered. It was too much. Too much and not enough. I tugged at his hair, forcing him to look up at me with blue eyes so dark they looked like the depths of the ocean. A soft grin tilted his lips upward.

“Something wrong?” he teased, knowing damn well nothing was wrong. Knowing that every touch and every caress was perfect.

“I’m going to shatter…”

A gasp escaped me as his thumb found home.

“Fair turnaround, darlin’. You’ve been wrecking me since the day you showed up.”

Those words… I loved them and hated them. I wanted to heal not tear more holes.

I pulled on his shoulders, trying to bring us back face-to-face, but he resisted.

“You started this,” he said. “And you can stop it any time you want, but if we continue, I need to control it. You don’t get to drive here. You have to trust me enough to let go.” He waited for my response, eyes dark and glimmering, full of promises and those emotions I was too terrified to say aloud. “What’ll it be, darlin’?”

My body needed what he offered. Needed the release waiting for me. And maybe I needed to let go of the control as much as he needed me to hand it over. We stared at each other for several more heartbeats until I swallowed and nodded. His soft grin turned into that enormous smile he gave so infrequently. He dropped his head, tongue and hands turning back to the job of undoing me. The pleasure grew so fast, so furious, that when my release came, I was shaking from head to toe, quivering as the waves flew through me.

My body sank into the mattress, limbs loose but still trembling.

He eased back up me, tongue and hands working still, showering each piece of me with more attention until he reached my mouth and kissed it with a gentleness that was the opposite of the savageness he’d used before. “You taste like my home and destruction all at the same time. How is that possible?” His eyes glittered, staring into me, searching for more answers I couldn’t give, but I didn’t hold back. I didn’t build a wall and look away. I trailed my hand down his jaw, finger caressing those firm lips. He nipped at it, licking my finger before sucking it into his mouth, and my core quivered again.

“We’re not done, Ryder. You want to drive, I can let you, but we’re not done. I need you inside me. I need to witness you letting go, just like you saw me.”

“Tit for tat?” His brow arched.

I swallowed hard. “I’m not keeping score. This isn’t a game or a competition. This is two people, giving to each other, but it only works if we both give, if we both receive.”

He stared at me, eyes flickering with so much love and desire it drenched me. Drenched me and demanded I believe. That I give in. That I let not only our bodies but our souls touch.

“What’ll it be, darlin’?” I tossed back at him, and he laughed softly before his mouth descended on mine once more, the feel of him seeping into every fiber of my being. It would hurt if I decided to walk away from it. Cause permanent damage to us both. But for tonight, I wouldn’t let myself think about it.