Chapter Twelve: Excuse the Mess

Gia

EXCUSE THE MESS

Performed by Ella Langley

I pulled my shirt over mygun as I faced Ryder’s parents. The way they were giving him hell was one of the things I liked most about the older couple. They never let any of their kids get the best of them. They gave it back full and hard in a way that always made me smile. The ribbing was full of love but relentless at times.

My family teased each other, especially my brother and me, but my dad was a military man through and through. He’d earned his seriousness right along with the medals pinned to his uniform. But if both our families were stuck in the same room together, they’d probably get along just fine.

That idea made my heart pitter in a strange way and my stomach flop. There would be no reason for my parents to ever meet Ryder’s. Once I did my job, once Addy was safe and the Lovatos were brought down, I’d never see the Hatleys again.

Instead of easing the pressure in my chest, that seemed to add to it.

Eva started pulling things from the bags they’d brought. It felt like an entire grocery store’s worth of produce along with a few canned goods. It reminded me of our refrigerator growing up, which had always been stocked with healthy options. The refrigerator in the apartment I rented near NSA headquarters had old condiments and a six-pack of Coke.

“It’s nice to see you again, Gia. Even if the circumstances are…” Eva trailed off, gaze searching mine before looking away.

Brandon turned from putting some canned goods in the pantry to take me in for the first time since he’d arrived. His heavy brows furrowed together, doubts lingering in the air. I couldn’t exactly blame him—or any of them. I’d lied about who I was. But to be fair, I gave the same lie to my family, just like I’d told Ryder.

“It’s good to see you too,” I said around the lump that formed in my throat. “I’m looking forward to some more of that olallieberry pie.” I tilted my head toward Ryder. “I’m going to go check on Addy.”

I didn’t wait for his approval, taking off down the hall while trying to pull myself together. I heard their whispers behind me, knew they were talking about me, but it didn’t matter. I was here to do a job just like any other, and I would.

When I opened the door to Addy’s bedroom, the bed was empty. My heart skipped a beat, even as I knew she’d likely just hidden somewhere in the room. Ryder had given her such a pretty speech before about safety and staying in the bed, but I think even he’d realized the words wouldn’t matter to Addy. He’d have to earn her trust just as much as I would.

The toilet flushed, and she came out of the bathroom dressed in the other outfit she’d had tucked away in her backpack—black jeans and a red sweater. Her shoes were on again, her backpack was loaded once more, and I’d bet money the toiletry bag Ryder had set on the sink was inside it also. She was prepared to run—go bag at the ready.

Her black hair was brushed, hanging down around her shoulders, and she reminded me of that hooded pitohui bird again. Small and delicate. Underestimated by those who didn’t understand how deadly they could be. Was it wrong to hope she had the power, the venom, to bring down an entire cartel? Maybe. Maybe I should have her change her name, obtain some fake documents, and leave her with the Hatleys, buried in a sea of anonymity.

But I couldn’t do any of that until I found out what exactly she knew. If this were any other witness, I would have already gotten what I needed from them—through teasing, cajoling, or force. But how did I get the information from a traumatized child?

I pushed back the sudden bitterness I felt toward my job as I said gently, “I know you’re scared, but you’ll be safe here, especially if I can arrest the people responsible for what happened to your mom. The ones the two of you were running from. You can help me with that, you know.”

Her eyes went wide. “Me?”

“Yep. If you can tell me what happened—”

“No.” Ryder’s deep voice boomed from behind me, and I spun around to see anger flash in his bright-blue eyes. “She’s been through enough today. You don’t get to demand that of her. And especially not without me here.”

I glared. “You wouldn’t even be with her if—”

“Stop,” Ryder cut me off, looking from me to Addy and back. I turned to see she’d wrapped her arms around her middle, distress obvious. I didn’t know if it was at what I’d asked or at our raised voices. He brushed past me, the touch scorching me as much as the fire in his eyes had. He looked down at Addy and said, “When you’re ready to tell us what happened, you can. But until then, no one is going to force you to talk. Okay?”

Her gaze flew back and forth between us.

“I catch…bad men?” she asked hesitantly.

“You can help us catch them,” I said, even as Ryder grunted his disapproval.

“Right now, you don’t need to worry about any of that,” he said before I could ask or say anything else. “Right now, my parents are here, and they’re really excited to meet you.”

“Mi abuelo y abuela?”

She sounded so downright hopeful at the idea of having grandparents that it took all my thoughts of the Lovatos and how she might be the key and wiped it away. Ryder was right. I shouldn’t have pressed her so soon. I was pissed off at myself and at him.

“Yep,” his voice sounded rough, full of emotion, but there was also hesitation in it, as if he wasn’t sure himself if they were her grandparents. I couldn’t blame him for the doubts, but the thought of Addy meeting everyone, getting her hopes up, and then being tossed aside if a DNA test proved otherwise sliced through me.

Once again, I wondered if bringing her here had been a mistake. I could have kept her somewhere safe, gotten what we needed, and had her DNA tested all before dropping her into the Hatleys’ hands. Had the pull I felt toward Ryder influenced my decision? Had I let it cloud my judgment already? Regardless, it was too late to go back. Too late to do anything but move forward.

Ryder reached out his hand for Addy’s, and this time, she ever so slowly put her tiny one in his. His jaw worked, and he closed his eyes briefly. When they opened again, our gazes locked. I knew what it felt like to have this child trust you enough to put her hand in yours. She’d done it several times with me now, and the idea that maybe I’d burned that tiny bridge by pushing her made me want to throw up the grilled cheese we’d eaten earlier.

I followed them out of the room and down the glass-walled hall to the kitchen. Eva and Brandon were at work, chopping vegetables with smooth precision. They both stopped what they were doing as we entered, huge smiles taking over their faces. Ryder had his father’s smile, right down to the half-dimple in his cheek, but his vivid blue eyes were his mother’s. Normally, her eyes were sparkling with a mischief she shared with her youngest daughter, but right now, they were practically glowing with adoration for a child she’d never met.

It tugged at my heart in more unexpected ways.

Both adults squatted down so they were face-to-face with Addy. She took a half-step closer to Ryder, but then, as if realizing he was a stranger also, froze.

“Hello, sweet girl. It’s such a pleasure to meet you,” Eva said softly. “I was as tickled as a June bug on a strawberry plant to find out I had another granddaughter. Now, you may not feel like calling me Grandma or even Nana like my other grandbaby does, so you can call me Eva if that makes you more comfortable.”

“Eva, breathe,” Brandon said, his lips twitching as he turned his pale eyes to the girl. “I’m Brandon. Or Papa.”

He stuck a large, calloused hand out. Ryder’s hand would look just like it in a few decades. Worn from hard work. Leathery from the sun. I’d had Ryder’s hands on me briefly, and I knew they were already strong and firm and sure, and there was nothing soft or gentle about them. They’d demanded things my body had craved to give. I swallowed hard, pushing aside those thoughts and forcing myself to focus on Addy.

The little girl didn’t say anything, just stared with a nonemotional look.

“Is Addy your full name, or is it short for something?” Eva asked.

“Adelaide.” The whispered name from Addy’s lips shocked me. I hadn’t even considered that she had another name than the one Anna had given in the letter.

“That’s a lovely name,” Eva continued to prattle. She gestured toward the cutting board. “Your granddad and I were making dinner. I figured you might like some comfort food tonight. I have a very special mac and cheese that my children always ask for when they’re feeling not quite themselves. And a winter vegetable medley that I promise will make you rethink hating veggies like all you young kids swear you do. Plus, I’ve got olallieberry pie for dessert. I brought two because Gia here…she almost ate a whole one herself the last time she had dinner with us.”

Addy’s lips twitched into an almost smile.

“My other granddaughter, Mila, loves to cook with me. Now, don’t feel like you have to, as you’re the guest of honor today, but would you like to help out a bit?”

“Mama, you sound just like Mila. Dad’s right, you need to take a breath,” Ryder said. His face turned up in a wry grin that did all sorts of things to the endorphins I was already fighting. Waves of them were crashing over me and threatening to pull me under.

Addy glanced around at all the smiling faces, and her little shoulders relaxed just a hair. It brought tears to my eyes—tears I wasn’t fond of shedding—and when I looked back up at Ryder, I could tell he’d noticed the way his daughter had relaxed as well, because his throat bobbed, and his jaw clenched again.

“Cook?” Addy asked quietly.

Eva’s face broke into an even larger smile—one so huge I couldn’t imagine anyone seeing it and not feeling completely comforted by it.

“Ryder, go get a step stool,” Eva instructed.

Ryder didn’t even hesitate. He disappeared out the door through the glass walkway leading to the garage. I wasn’t sure where he was going to get a step stool in that immaculate space, but he appeared to have them stored somewhere close by, because he came back not even two minutes later with a small, two-step ladder.

He set it by the sink, and Eva supervised as Addy washed her hands. Then, they moved the ladder closer to a bowl Brandon had just dumped noodles into. Eva helped Addy pour other ingredients into it, and the little girl used a large wooden spoon to stir everything up.

I stepped back, suddenly feeling like the intruder I was. This was a family. A family the little girl needed more than she could know. I went to the glass windows on the far side of the living room, where the view of the valley had turned into a new work of art as the sun began to fade behind the hills. Rays shot into the clouds, turning the world into a hazy mosaic. The warm light filled the room until it seemed like we were standing in a shower of gold. There was a dreaminess to the scene that spoke of romantic walks and champagne picnics. Slow, lazy moments that I’d never wanted. And yet, I found myself tempted to take a picture to share it with…someone. I just wasn’t sure who.

Holden was busy on tour with Leya and the band. If I sent my mom the picture, she’d ask a thousand questions I couldn’t answer without lying about where I was and what I was doing. Dad would want to know what threat he was missing in the photograph. Who else was there? I went to drinks with colleagues occasionally. Found release in the arms of a random guy now and then. But I’d been far too focused on making my childhood spy dreams a reality than on spending time building relationships with anyone. Rory was the closest thing I’d had to a friend in a long time, at least since Gary had quit tagging along with me to parts unknown, and even he hadn’t really been all that great of a friend. He’d hated every minute of our jungle hike with the SEALs and turned in his resignation as soon as we’d gotten back.

I swallowed hard, and instead of taking a photo of the stunning view, I brought up my email app on my phone, hoping I’d have more news from Rory or the Denver PD. Anything to bring me back to the job, and the cartel, and what I actually needed to be doing rather than dreaming about romantic sunsets.

To my surprise, Ryder joined me at the windows. The gold from the setting sun coated his skin and made his dark hair glisten with burnished highlights. What would it feel like to run my hand through those thick waves? What would it be like to grip them tight while those firm lips trailed down my body?

When my gaze met his, his eyes were narrowed, as if he’d read my mind, and I flushed. There was nothing wrong with thinking about sex. Nothing to be embarrassed about, and yet the heat filled my cheeks anyway. Maybe it was because I was thinking about bodies entwined when he was probably still irritated at me for questioning Addy.

Instead of mentioning what had happened in her room, he surprised me by asking, “Is her limited speech because she doesn’t know English that well?”

I considered it for a moment before replying, “I don’t think so. Even when she talks to me in Spanish, it’s the same way. It could be the trauma she experienced. I don’t think we’ll truly know until she becomes more comfortable with her surroundings.”

We both watched as Addy listened to Eva chattering away as they worked. The little girl’s shoulders were looser than I’d seen them since I’d pulled her from the hotel room.

“She should see a doctor. Maybe a therapist? Right?” he said.

“Probably. I’m definitely not a kid expert.”

“She seemed pretty attached to you at the station.”

“Necessity, I’m sure. I am the last person to know what a kid wants.”

“You never babysat as a teenager?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Just because I’m female doesn’t mean I automatically babysat. Nor does it automatically mean my ovaries are going to explode if I don’t have a baby in the next ten years.”

He rubbed a hand along his jaw, partially covering lips twitching at my little tirade.

“Got it. No kids for the snarky undercover agent.”

“I didn’t say that either.” Before the last twenty-four hours with Addy, I would have agreed with him. I’d not seen them in my future, not even with my mom dropping hints to both Holden and me about grandbabies. But holding Addy’s hand, feeling the sag of her little body into mine, was enough to make me reconsider my long-term goals. Make me wonder if I was missing out on something the majority of the world seemed to understand—how having a child could be an adventure more worthy than a spy novel.

Ryder’s brows dropped together in confusion at my contradictory words, but I couldn’t clarify for him, as I was just as confused. Hadn’t I known coming here would do strange things to me? That any interaction with Ryder would leave an imprint I wouldn’t be able to remove—just like the last time.

A tiny whisper of a giggle broke our silence, and both our heads whipped toward the kitchen. Addy had a smile on her face. A full smile. Wide and beautiful and angelic. It was directed at Brandon, who was standing behind Eva, miming her in a completely clownish way. Even though the twinkle in Eva’s eyes showed she knew he was doing it, she continued right on talking and explaining as if she didn’t have a clue.

I hated to admit that telling his parents and having them come here might have been the best thing to have happened. They’d relaxed Addy in a way neither Ryder nor I had been able to do with our emotions running so high. The simple lack of expectation had won her over.

My throat clogged.

While my parents had never demanded perfection from me, I’d always demanded it of myself. I hadn’t been in clubs or sports in high school with us moving so much, but I’d ensured I had the best grades and top-notch SAT scores in an attempt to offset my deficits in planning for college. I’d driven myself with the skill and smarts of my fictional spy friends motivating me. My brother had done the same, demanding only the best from himself. What did that say about us? About our relationship with our parents? With each other?

I’d never considered myself one of those people with, quote-unquote, “family issues.” I’d mostly considered myself lucky to be surrounded by people who loved and cared for each other. Who respected each other. And yet, watching Eva and Brandon charm their quiet grandchild into giggles, it felt like I was watching something I’d never experienced. Some sort of untethered, unlimited love and acceptance. Something rare and beautiful.

I wanted to bask in it. To be covered in it.

“Okay, that’s got to bake for a while,” Eva said, handing the glass dish off to Brandon, who put it in the oven with a flourish. “Which means, we have time to get to know each other.”

Addy’s smile went away, leaving behind a blank expression that was better than the one I’d practiced for years in a mirror. Eva saw it, but she didn’t let it stop her from proceeding. She moved away from the counter, heading to the pantry.

“I’ll point to the food in here, and you just say yes or no if they’re things you like.”

Ryder seemed drawn by this conversation and left me to journey back into the kitchen with them. Addy climbed down off the stepladder and followed Eva to the cupboard. Eva pointed at different things, naming off treats and vegetables and things that weren’t even there. She waited while Addy nodded, shook her head, or shrugged. They moved to the refrigerator, repeating the process. It was easy to see the things she’d had no experience with. If she’d been on the run with Ravyn for her entire life, they’d hardly been staying places where her mother could cook a four-course meal, and it showed in the way Addy shrugged at many foods.

As I watched, my respect for Eva grew. She’d gotten more out of the little girl in an hour than I had in twenty-four. If the child was going to open up to anyone, it wasn’t going to be some snarky NSA analyst. After years of learning to bury my emotions and personality, I was going to have to do the opposite. I was going to have to open myself up for her to trust me.

That sent more waves of fear through me than the gunfire I’d lived through in a South American jungle.