Chapter Eleven: Weight of Your World

Ryder

WEIGHT OF YOUR WORLD

Performed by Chris Stapleton

When Ravyn had left, I’d beendevastated. Sorrow deeper than anything I’d ever experienced in my life had filled my soul. And then, when I’d realized she’d stolen money from the ranch and taken our great-grandmother’s ring, I’d been furious, both at myself for trusting her and at her for using me. I’d felt duped. I’d felt like the biggest idiot to have ever been conned. Because that was what I’d seen it as—a con.

That fury was nothing compared to what raged through me at finding Addy asleep on a shelf behind the bar. It felt like a tornado was going to spin out of my chest, whip everything in the room up, and tear out of the house, through the fields, and into the sky.

I wanted to punish Ravyn. I wanted to inflict some kind of injury on her.

And yet, she was already dead.

My jaw worked overtime as I fought back frustration and rage and sadness so deep it felt like it had taken root in my soul.

I squatted, taking in the closed eyes of the little girl in front of me. Dark lashes against cheeks just shy of too thin. Soft pink lips barely parted. Hands clenched tight around her knees. She looked so sweet and so goddamn tormented.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I went to pick her up, to move her, to carry her up to the blue-cloud room Mila loved, but Gia stopped me with a hand on my arm.

“You’ll scare her,” she whispered.

She motioned for me to come out from behind the bar. I looked from Addy to her and then rose, stepping away and saying, “I can’t leave her like that.”

“I can guarantee you she’s used to sleeping in worse places.”

“Worse? Than a fucking shelf?”

“I think it was Ravyn’s way of keeping her safe in case something happened while Ravyn was sleeping.”

“Don’t even try to justify this with damn talk of resilience.”

Gia shook her head violently. “I’m not agreeing with what she did. But what I am saying is, given the circumstances they were in, at least she was concerned enough to teach her how to stay alive.”

Noise behind me had me turning my head to find Addy standing at the edge of the bar, rubbing tired eyes. She couldn’t have slept for longer than a handful of minutes. Her eyes were so shadowed they looked bruised. When was the last time she’d had a full night’s sleep? Had she ever had one?

Maddox had found Mila at one year old, in a dirty diaper, filth all around her, and yet finding Addy like this somehow felt worse. I wasn’t sure how my brother had ever dealt with Mila’s biological mom face-to-face after that without wanting to kill her.

As much as I’d hated Ravyn for what she’d done to me, I hadn’t put her in the same category as Mila’s mom. Maybe I’d loved Ravyn too much to call her what she actually was. Maybe I’d wanted to justify my love. Maybe I hadn’t wanted to believe I could love evil.

But God…what I felt right now…

I stepped toward Addy, lowering myself on my haunches to meet her gaze straight on.

“I want you to know…you never have to sleep like that again.” I tilted my head toward the bar. “Ever.” My voice shook, and the emotion in it seemed to cause her to retreat into herself. I forced myself to stay calm. “The bed in the room I showed you? That’s yours. I promise you you’ll always be safe there. Always.”

And I meant it. I meant it with a surety that I’d go to my grave defending.

I could practically hear Gia’s voice in my head, telling me Addy wasn’t going to just trust what I said simply because I said it. I’d have to prove it to her. But hell, how did I do that?

“Are you hungry?” I asked, changing the subject until I could figure out the answer.

Addy nodded.

I breathed out, “Do you like grilled cheese?”

She nodded again.

“Well, okay, then. Let’s go get them before they cool off too much.”

I stood and offered my hand, but she didn’t take it. She pulled her hands back to her chest. I didn’t let it put me off. Slow and steady. Calm and sure, just like winning over a shy filly. One confident, trustworthy action at a time.

? ? ?

As we ate our sandwiches, Addy’s eyes kept drooping. Every time it happened, she squirmed on the barstool and dug her nails into her wrist as if forcing herself to stay awake. It made the food I’d eaten turn into a congealed mass inside me.

When she’d almost finished her sandwich, I said, “My parents—your grandparents—are coming to dinner. They want to meet you.” Her eyes grew wide. “I know you’re pretty tired. Maybe…shall we get you unpacked and then you could get a few hours of rest before they come?”

She fiddled with the last piece of her bread and then shrugged.

Gia took our plates and placed them in the dishwasher as if she’d lived in my house for years, and that thought stuck inside me right along with the congealed mass Addy had created.

The three of us made our way down the hall to the blue-cloud room. Addy unzipped the backpack and pulled a handful of items out, including another change of clothes and a bag with toothpaste, a toothbrush, and some hair care items. She watched me carefully as I helped her assemble the items in the walk-in closet and on the counter in the bathroom. The meager belongings looked pitiful, especially when thinking about them in comparison to Mila’s closet brimming with items at my brother’s place.

“You don’t have any pajamas. I can bring you one of my T-shirts for tonight. Tomorrow, we’ll go shopping.”

“I have to do a load of laundry myself. Maybe if you brought Addy the T-shirt now, I could wash what she has on with my things,” Gia offered. “Would that be okay?” she asked the little girl.

Addy didn’t look comfortable, but she didn’t say no.

“Let me get it,” I said, turning and jogging out of the room.

When I came back, the two of them were sitting on the bed with one of the books that had been in the backpack. It was a book I knew well from Mila. The Day the Dragons Saved the Universe was a favorite in my brother’s household, right along with The Day the Unicorns Saved the World.

“Your cousin Mila loves that book too,” I told her. She looked up at me wide-eyed. “You won’t meet her today. But soon.”

I handed her a long-sleeved T-shirt. She went to the bathroom with it and came out looking even smaller and more fragile dwarfed by my shirt. It fell almost to her toes.

Addy handed Gia the clothes she’d been wearing and eyed the bed. I pulled back the covers, and she crawled in. I wanted to brush her hair out of her face. I wanted to soothe her. Pat her. Hug her. Something. But she hadn’t even wanted to take my hand downstairs. So, instead, I put her backpack on the floor beside her and the books and her Switch on the nightstand.

When I turned back, she was looking at the windows, brows drawn together. The walls and walls of glass that made up my home were the exact opposite of what someone used to hiding would want. I pulled a remote from a drawer in the nightstand and hit a button. Shades rolled down from their hidden spot in the ceiling, dimming the room and keeping the outside world away.

“This button,” I said and showed her, “opens or closes the blinds.”

I set the remote with her things.

“I know you don’t know me, Addy. I know you don’t know this house or the people who live on the ranch, but I promise you, everyone you meet will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. You’ll be okay in this bed. No one is going to come in and take you from it. Nothing bad will happen to you while you’re sleeping. And if you go somewhere else in the house, if you hide again, it’s going to…worry me.” What I really wanted to say was it would piss me off, scare the shit out of me, and make me want to bring her mother back to life just so I could scream at her, but none of that would make Addy trust me.

In response, Addy slid down, dark hair resting on the pale-blue pillow. She pulled the covers up, and I barely stopped myself from tucking her in like a burrito in the way Mila loved. Maybe that would just make this little girl feel trapped.

I wanted to give her something to reassure her. To let her know I’d be there if she needed me. A lifeline of sorts. A phone. My mental shopping list grew. When Maddox had gotten Mila a phone when she started kindergarten, I’d rolled my eyes even though she only had our family’s numbers programmed into it and had no internet access. But now I understood why he’d done it.

Gia had already moved to the door, and I followed, glancing back and heart stuttering at the lost look on Addy’s face. She fought down her scared damn well, but it was still there in her eyes.

“Do you want the door open or closed?”

“Closed.”

I nodded. “If you need anything, I’m here. Gia is here, and you can just come out and get us. I’ll be in my office. That’s those double doors we passed, but they’ll be open. You’re always welcome in there.”

She nodded, little eyelids already drooping.

We stepped out, and I shut the door behind me. The block of emotions in my chest was trying to unravel. I felt untethered, and if I felt that way, I couldn’t imagine what Addy was feeling.

“I should have asked first before offering Addy, but is it okay if I do some laundry?” Gia asked.

“Yep,” I said, needing away from Gia as quickly as possible. Needing to get myself in check before she said or did something to unravel me a bit more. “It’s up there, the door on the right.” I pointed toward the next level that led to my room.

Ravyn had said laundry rooms needed to be by the bedrooms so you didn’t have to haul linen and clothes all through the house to get to it, and I’d agreed. So many of the things in my home had been built because of what she’d said. I hadn’t sat around in my home, pining for her every day just because we’d designed it together, but ever since Gia and Addy had walked through the door, I couldn’t stop thinking of Ravyn. It was as if her ghost had followed them here, tearing open all those scabs, reminding me of things I’d thought I’d forgotten.

I turned on my heel, heading to my office without another word.

I’d just sat down at my desk and turned on my laptop when my phone dinged.

It was Sadie, texting in the group chat I had with my siblings.

SASSYPANTS: If I wasn’t so pissed on your behalf, I’d call you a chicken for making Mama tell us what’s happened.

GEM MINE: Ry… I just don’t have enough words to tell you how sorry I am. For all of it. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

Gemma was going through her own bit of hell at the moment after the asshole actor she’d hooked up with in LA had broken her heart. Maddox and I had wanted to fly out to California and string the guy up by his balls, but Gemma had threatened to disown us if we did. She’d said the best revenge she could get was acting like he didn’t even exist. Acting as if he hadn’t stomped all over her soul.

ME: You can’t tell anyone about Addy. She’s in a lot of danger, and until we figure out how to get her out of it, no one can know about her.

Maddox came back instantly.

WOODY: Gia find out something else since we talked?

I groaned, knowing immediately our youngest sister was going to latch on to that name I’d purposefully held back from Mama.

SASSYPANTS: Gia? Our Gia? Holy shit! Gia is the undercover agent who brought Addy to you? I knew there was more to her than just that journalist gig she offered up.

ME: Leave it to Woody to give me up. There’s a reason you earned that nickname.

WOODY: How was I to know you didn’t tell Mama she was here? But you know, NOT telling anyone about her speaks louder than you actually saying her name.

SASSYPANTS: Say her name, big brother. Say. Her. Name. I dare you!

ME: Fuck you all. I have more important shit to think about than some lying, sneaky brunette who just dropped a bomb on my world.

GEMMA: Can you call it lying if she was undercover?

SASSYPANTS: We all know Ry would love to help her “under the covers.” Question is, could he handle it? Could he handle even more? Like, say an actual date?

I tossed my phone to the side with a disgusted sigh. I concentrated on typing up a list of things I needed to get for Addy. Clothes. Toys. Phone. Bath stuff. More books. Video games. I wanted to spoil her, shower her with all the things Mila had and more. Plus, I needed more than bread, cheese, eggs, and beer in my refrigerator. I needed fruits and vegetables and healthy shit. I never really had a lot of food in the house because, more often than not, I ate at the ranch or in town.

My phone buzzed a few more times, but I just ignored it.

After making the shopping list, I opened the accounting system for the ranch. Ever since Ravyn had stolen from us, I’d been handling all the financials myself. No way I could trust someone else with it, not after I’d cost us so much already. We were in far better shape than I would have expected us to be not quite eight years after taking that hit. We’d paid off all our loans, generated a decent salary for me and my parents, invested for a rainy day, and were now able to build the final two cabins we’d had to put off.

When I’d first presented my idea to my parents about transitioning the farm to a dude ranch, they’d laughed. But after I’d shown them the studies done by the Eastern Dude Ranchers’ Association and told them how it had saved many landholders with properties even bigger than ours from losing some or all their land, they’d gotten on board fairly quickly. If the black blot of trusting Ravyn hadn’t been hanging over me, I’d be immensely proud of what we’d accomplished with me at the helm.

My eyes slid to the framed drawings on the wall—designs of the cabins, the restaurant’s fa?ade, and the remodel of the barn—all done in pencil and ink with my name scrawled along the bottom. They were good, but the reality was better.

My gaze settled on the largest frame holding a drawing of my home with the mountains sloped up behind it. I may have given up my old dreams, but I’d still had a chance to build something here. I didn’t regret the years of college I’d skipped or the dozen more I would have had to spend at an apprenticeship in order to make a mark in the world of architects.

I was happy. Satisfied with the life I was living.

But in less than twenty-four hours, a hole had been torn through the fabric of my contentment. Now, I could see all the things that were missing instead of all the things that satisfied me.

A quiet knock brought my head up to where Gia stood framed in the doorway. The wall of glass behind her cast a glow around her, making her dark hair shimmer with silver and calling attention to her curves. Surrounded by the halo of light, all she needed was a sword in her hand to pass for an avenging angel.

My body instantly reacted to the vision, longing seeping through my veins. I ached to feel every curve and hard plane of her pressed up against me. I wanted to be surrounded by the feel and scent and warmth of her. Even now, months after I’d kissed her, I swore her sweet fragrance was still wrapped around me like a spell. The scent of her reminded me of my best fall memories—apple picking and hay rides, pine trees and the first rains of the season.

Change.

My first instinct when I’d found her sneaking around in the ranch office was to yank her away and call Maddox to arrest her. But as soon as her slim, muscled frame had collided with mine, I’d ignited. The haughty toss of her chin, the way her shoulders drew back, and the tease she’d sent my way had me slamming her up against the wall and punishing her with my mouth instead of a jail cell.

As if she was remembering that moment too, Gia’s gaze fell to my lips.

It shouldn’t give me as much pleasure as it did, knowing she was thinking about it as well. Thinking about how her hands had slid under my Henley, burning my skin, or how her hips had ground into mine, as if she was greedy for release. Her full, rosy lips had parted, tongue licking into my mouth. We’d tangled and fought for control, each of us demanding the other give and neither acquiescing. I’d been two seconds from tearing open the buttons on her shirt to feast on the taut tips beneath when voices from outside had pulled us both to our senses, dragging us apart with chests heaving.

Desire and regret had hovered in the air around us like a third person.

It clung to the air now as well. My eyes drifted slowly down her body. Was she braless today as she had been then, or had that been simply a way to distract me if she’d been caught? I swallowed hard, jerking my gaze away from her and to the stack of mail sitting on the desk.

It was filled with mostly bills and an invitation to the Kentucky Art Institute’s charity gala being sponsored by the president of the Eastern Dude Ranchers’ Association. I’d gone to one of Jaime’s charity balls before and hated it. It wasn’t just the tuxedos and fake smiles I despised. It was the unrealistic views of the politicians and millionaires who showed up to supposedly support whatever the latest, hippest cause was, only to leave the event behind and undermine it the very next day with their personal lifestyles and political decisions.

“What do you want?” I asked when Gia took two long-legged strides into the room.

“Is there anyone working for you who might be involved with the Lovatos?”

“No.”

“You need to seriously think about this, not just give me a knee-jerk response.”

“No one here is working for the Lovatos,” I growled.

“You didn’t expect Mila’s mom or Ravyn to be working with them either.”

My chest burned with humiliation, but I bit my cheek and said nothing.

She rode over my silence. “In an effort to be transparent, I’m just letting you know I’ll be delving further into the background of all your employees and everyone connected to your family.”

That did get a reaction. I rose from my desk and stalked over to her. She didn’t back off as I stepped into her space, leaving barely room to breathe between us.

“The only people who have brought the Lovatos to our doors have been women who lied and stole from us. That’s more likely to be you than anyone I know.”

She didn’t jerk away, but I saw the flinch in her eyes.

“We’ll be going through your financials too,” she continued, as if I hadn’t said anything. “So, if there are secrets, you might as well come clean with them now.”

I hated that my family’s integrity was being called into question and that I was one of the reasons for it. But I wasn’t going to let her stand there and accuse us of being dirty. Not after how hard my family and I had labored to get the ranch turned around.

“I hate repeating myself. The only one here with secrets is you.”

She stared at me, not backing down an inch, and I didn’t know why that turned me on as much as it pissed me off.

“We’ll see.”

I was two seconds from punishing her for her attitude and her snark with my mouth again when a, “Hello,” rang out through the house.

Gia’s hand went to her back, lifting her shirt so I saw the butt of a gun for the first time. She was about to pull it when I caught her arm.

“It’s my mama. Jesus. Put that thing away.”

The coiled tightness that had taken over her body relaxed ever so slightly as she looked up at me with accusation written all along her face. “Who else has a key to your place?”

“Just my parents and my siblings.”

“Ryder?” my mama’s questioning voice shouted out.

I dropped Gia’s arm and hurried into the entry hall. I didn’t want Mama to wake Addy, if the little girl had slept at all.

My parents were standing with arms full of reusable grocery bags. I grabbed the ones from my mother, asking, “What the hell is all this?”

“Don’t swear at your mother,” Dad bit out. His dark hair was pressed down on the sides from where his cowboy hat had sat—an almost permanent look. His pale, blue-gray eyes were concerned as they met mine, worry lines creasing his brow on a face tanned and leathery from a lifetime spent outdoors. His worn flannel shirt and equally worn jeans were near matches to the ones I’d thrown on this morning—work clothes we spent the majority of our days in.

“Where’s my new grandbaby?” Mama demanded, searching the quiet of the great room as we walked toward the kitchen with the bags they’d brought.

“She was resting until you burst in here, screaming like a banshee,” I groused.

“Ryder,” my father warned again, but Mama chuckled.

“Leave him be, Brandon. It’s sweet to see him already so concerned about her.”

I was concerned. Concerned and terrified. Both were coiled up like a vicious snake nipping at my insides.