Chapter Thirteen: Fall

Ryder

FALL

Performed by Clay Walker

It wasn’t just Addy who’d beenrelaxed and charmed by my parents. It was Gia…and me. The tension that had been in the air since I’d walked into my brother’s office that morning had all but disappeared by the time we were laughing over pie and scoops of homemade vanilla ice cream.

Addy still hadn’t said more than a word or two, but her shoulders were relaxed, and she’d listened and smiled and even laughed as my parents told her about our family, the ranch, and Mila. They took great pleasure in telling stories about me growing up. I recognized it for what it was—a way to allow the child to get to know me. I was grateful and yet also uncomfortable because it wasn’t just Addy hearing those tales. It was the spitfire I was attracted to in ways I hadn’t been to any woman since Ravyn…maybe even more than I’d been to Ravyn.

That wiped my smile away.

I collected the dishes and made my way to the kitchen to wash them as I’d done my whole life. The kids always cleaned up—end of story. Gia came in with the last stack, standing by my side, drying the items my mother would have kicked my ass if I’d put in a dishwasher.

The silence should have been awkward between us, and yet it wasn’t. It was as if the spell my mother had cast had brought that temporary truce Gia and I had called in my brother’s office into reality. What it didn’t do was dull the way my skin buzzed with awareness of her. In fact, it seemed amplified in the quiet as we worked, fingers grazing, shoulders brushing. It was as if we were slow dancing, the heat flickering and growing with each touch.

“Do you like kittens?” Mama asked.

My head jerked back to the table where Addy sat. Through the window behind her, stars sprinkled in the dark sky. Addy gave an excited nod, and I barely bit back a groan. I could not bring a cat home with us. It was fine if they lived in the barn. They kept the rodents and pests down, and the guests loved the idyllic image of them lazing about the farm, but that was where they were supposed to stay. I didn’t want my leather furniture torn apart by claws, and I definitely didn’t want to clean a litter box. I shoveled enough excrement at the farm without having to do it here too.

“Well, when Ryder brings you over to the ranch tomorrow, you can meet the little bundles the barn cat had. They’re only a few weeks old, but their eyes are open, and they’re starting to get into mischief. And if animals are your thing, we’ve got loads more. Horses and cows and even a pen of chickens I sometimes regret keeping, but I love their fresh eggs. I can teach you how to gather them. Mila is always too excited going into the henhouse, and she riles them all up, but I bet you’d be good at it because you’re nice and calm.”

Addy’s eyes went wide.

“We’re going shopping tomorrow,” I said, drying my hands and heading back to the table. “Addy needs clothes and…well…everything.”

“You can come by after you’re done shopping. We’ll have dinner, and Addy can meet the rest of the family.”

“Mama,” I lowered my voice, conveying a warning to butt out.

“Don’t Mama me. Addy will be fine, won’t you?” My mother looked over to see Addy had retreated again. Her smile was gone, her shoulders were tight once more, and the blank look was back on her face.

Mama’s brows furrowed before she squinted at me with a question in her gaze I couldn’t answer.

“You’re right. I just got overly enthusiastic about having this sweet girl in our lives and wanted everyone else to meet her too. Take your time. We’ll be there whenever she’s ready.” She rose, and my dad did as well. “We’ll let y’all tuck in for the night.”

I knew my mama well enough to know she was itching to hug Addy, but instead, she lightly touched the little girl’s shoulder. “I really am happy you’re here. Next time, maybe we’ll make chocolate chip cookies. Or snickerdoodles. Those are Mila’s favorite.”

Silence invaded for the first time since my mother had arrived. The tension came back into the room, and I hated it, wishing to bring back the relaxed air we’d all been wrapped in for a few moments.

“I’ll walk you out,” I said to my parents.

The three of us headed up the two steps to the entry hall and out the double doors. Dad’s faded-blue Dodge pickup was parked out front.

“When you going to give up on that Dodge and finally get a Chevy?” I teased as my father opened the door for my mother. Between my brother, my dad, and me, we represented all three of the main American car manufacturers and harassed each other about it on the regular.

“Dodge was good enough for my daddy, good enough for you to sit your ass on as a kid, and it’ll be good enough for me until I’m dead and buried.”

“Keep swearing, and Mila is going to be able to pay for college with her swear jar,” Mama said as she climbed in with a smile. Then, her face turned serious. “You going to be able to put her to bed okay? Bath and books and cuddles?”

Shit. I hadn’t even thought about a nighttime ritual. But I’d babysat for Mila a time or two. I was usually a last resort, but I’d done it. I could handle it with a little girl who was supposed to be mine, couldn’t I?

When I nodded, my mother raised a brow and sent a smirk my way, as if she read my hesitation. Dad went around, climbed in the cab, and they both waved as they headed down the gravel drive, tires kicking up dust into the night sky.

When I went back inside, Gia and Addy were at the table, looking at something on Gia’s phone, and I instantly went on alert. I’d been pissed when I’d walked into the bedroom earlier to hear Gia questioning her. The little girl could barely talk, let alone tell us what had happened to her.

I only relaxed when Gia said, “You’re really good at video games.”

As I got closer, I could see there was some kind of brightly colored game on the screen. Candy and objects that Addy was dragging her fingers along.

I ran a hand over my head, scratching at the back of my neck before settling my thumbs into my pockets. “So, I don’t know what time you normally go to bed, but it’s late, and you’ve had a long couple of days. Probably should start thinking about heading that way. Maybe a bath?”

I groaned internally. I sounded like a fucking idiot. Wishy-washy. Mila would have already torn my logic to shreds. Instead, Addy handed Gia back her phone, slid out of her seat, and came over to me. We headed down the hallway, and I felt Gia on our heels.

In the bathroom of the blue-cloud room, I searched the cupboards, wondering if Mila had left any bubbles or shampoo here the last time she’d stayed over, but no such luck. All that was in the tub and shower combo was the grown-up stuff my sisters used. Nothing kid-friendly.

I turned the hot water on and looked back at Addy. If she’d been mine since she was a baby, there’d be nothing awkward about this moment. I would have been helping her bathe since she’d had toes and fingers so tiny they were doll-like. Now, I was sure she was as uncomfortable as I was at the idea of her removing her clothes and getting into the water. Gia seemed to understand, compassion crossing her face in a way that settled deep inside. But I wasn’t sure Addy would be any more comfortable with Gia just because she was female.

When I looked at the little girl’s face, it remained blank and guarded. She had one hand clasped around the other wrist, nails biting into the skin like she’d done earlier to keep herself awake. There were red marks there, as if she’d done it many times, and that upset me all over again.

“I want to help, but I don’t have to,” I told her. “Gia can…or, I don’t know, can you do this on your own?”

She nodded.

“You can do it on your own?”

She nodded again.

“Okay. Why don’t Gia and I just wait right outside the door, and if you need us, you can holler or bang on the wall, and we’ll come in.”

I stepped outside, and Gia followed. I shut the door behind me, listening to the quiet on the other side. It hung on for a long time before the splash of water drifted through the door. My chest burned. My eyes burned. I wasn’t sure I could stand much more tug on my emotions in one day. The soft, compassionate look on Gia’s face remained, and I hated it. I wanted the fierce, confident look I’d first encountered.

“I’m sorry. This…” She shook her head. “I can’t even imagine how hard this is.”

I dragged a hand over my clipped beard. There wasn’t much to say in response. Each minute seemed excruciating, opening old wounds, opening a heart that had been locked down, all while there was a chance Addy wouldn’t even stay with me. We might find out she didn’t belong to me at all, and her real dad would come looking for her. Whether he was someone who deserved her or not wouldn’t matter. I certainly didn’t feel like I deserved the somber and brave little girl I’d witnessed today.

I paced the room while we waited. Eventually, when I was just about ready to go in and make sure everything was okay, Addy came out. Her hair was wet, clinging to her face, and I wasn’t quite sure she had gotten all the shampoo out of it, but that was a problem for another day. She was wearing my T-shirt again, and she was shivering.

“Climb on in,” I said, pulling the covers back. “You’ll warm up right quick.”

As I pulled the covers over her, I noticed she’d repacked her backpack. All her belongings were inside it again. That hurt me in ways I wasn’t sure I could even speak about.

“Do you want me to read one of your books to you?” I asked.

She shook her head.

More pain spiked through me.

“I’m not as good as my brother at it, but I can read.” I tried to make it a joke, tried to keep my voice light like Mama had, and I was rewarded with a little twitch of her lips. But she still shook her head again. “Okay, well. Goodnight.” I ran a hand over her wet hair, and she withdrew into the pillow. My jaw clenched, but I pulled back quickly, stepping toward the door.

“Goodnight, Addy. I’m just one room over if you need anything. You can come get me or tap on the wall, okay?” Gia said. Addy nodded.

When I got to the door, I realized she might need a million and one nightlights, like my niece. “Do you want a light left on? We can leave the bathroom one on and shut the door so it’s sort of like a night light. We can get you one tomorrow.”

I was babbling. Like Mila or Mama.

She shook her head.

Okay, then. Dark it was.

“I know meeting me this way must be real hard, sweetheart, but no matter how it happened, I want you to know, I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad to get to know you.” My voice was rough with unshed tears I hated showing in front of the calm brunette behind me.

“Papa?” God, that whispered word tore through me in a way I could never have expected.

I swallowed over the lump in my throat to choke out, “Yes?”

“I stay?”

“Yes, sweetheart, you’re staying. You’re staying, and you’re safe.”

She nodded again and slid down farther so that the bedding completely covered her head. She was so small, so slight, it almost looked like she wasn’t in the bed at all.

My hand shook as I shut off the light and stepped out of the room, closing the door.

Gia’s eyes met mine, and I saw tears in hers as well. She pushed her long fingers against her eyelids and then opened them again before saying, “Well, fuck.”

I didn’t know what else could be said beyond that. If I said anything, I’d lose it. I’d be bawling like Mila when she’d cried over an accidentally shot crow. Gia’s warm-eyed gaze seemed to read every single emotion as I experienced it, and I wanted to hate it but couldn’t. Instead, I found myself tempted to see if I could lose an entire day’s worth of emotions in fierce lips, stroking tongues, and the pounding of skin on skin.

But I wouldn’t. Couldn’t. Not only because that wouldn’t be fair to either of us but because I wasn’t sure I could lose myself in her warm embrace and not want to linger there. I’d want something no woman had been able to give me—a person who stuck by me. I certainly wouldn’t get it from Gia. She was just like Ravyn in that she’d leave Willow Creek as soon as she got what she needed from us.

So, instead of tempting fate with desires I wouldn’t be able to hold back, I turned away and headed up the two steps that led to my room.

? ? ?

My night had been restless. I’d tossed and turned, reliving my life with Ravyn. Reliving the destruction her absence had left in its wake. Getting angry all over again at her stealing from me—this time something so much more important than fucking money. Tortured thoughts ran through my head about how Addy had lived. What she’d witnessed. And behind it all, I was tormented with a burning awareness of a woman lying just down the hall. A woman whose taste I couldn’t seem to forget when I’d done just that with the woman I’d thought I’d marry. I’d purposefully scrubbed everything about Ravyn from my daily existence.

The sun hadn’t risen, but the sky had started to lighten when I finally gave up on sleep and hit the shower. When I came out of my room, Gia and Addy were in the kitchen, dressed for the day, with Gia at the stove. It was unexpected and disconcerting. Not because it felt wrong to see them there but because it felt right in a way it shouldn’t. It launched another dart into my heart I wasn’t sure I could remove.

My family had always accused me of being snarly before my first cup of coffee kicked in, but I did my best to keep the growl from my voice as I greeted the two of them. Addy had her Switch in front of her, but her gaze kept darting from it to Gia and then to me.

Our morning went much as the day before had gone—quiet questions and single-word answers exchanged over scrambled eggs and toast. After breakfast was cleared, I said, “Okay, let’s hit the mall.”

Addy’s eyes grew wide, and she slid down from her seat, running back down the hall. Gia and I shared a look, but the little girl came back with her backpack slung over her shoulder. It about killed me to think that she wasn’t comfortable enough to leave it here. That she thought she had to have her things with her at all times.

But instead of commenting on it, I headed into the garage with them following me. Gia suggested taking the Escalade because she already had the booster seat in it. Plus, no one would know her vehicle like they’d know mine if they spotted us in the mall parking lot. Willow Creek didn’t have its own mall. We had to drive fifteen minutes to the next town over, but that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be people there who knew me. I wasn’t ready for the questions about Addy. Wasn’t ready for the truth or the lies I’d have to tell. So, I caved and got in the SUV with Gia at the wheel.

Sadie was right. I was a chicken.

We’d barely gotten to the end of the driveway before my phone started blowing up. My siblings demanded to know how the night had gone and what my plans were for the day.

I should have been working on the two unfinished cabins, but I hadn’t even thought about the construction since I’d gone to bed last night. My mind was with the little girl in the back seat, the seven years I’d lost with her, and the sexy undercover agent who’d seemed all too at home in my house.

The snarl I’d woken up with hadn’t disappeared with coffee and breakfast. I was doing my best to keep it under lock and key for Addy’s sake, but I didn’t need to hide it from my siblings.

ME: I don’t want to talk. Stop yammering at me.

WOODY: Did you not have coffee yet?

ME: I have things to do. Leave me alone.

SASSYPANTS: Please do not scare that sweet little girl with your assholeness. Mama said she barely talks and spooks at the drop of a hat. I can’t even imagine her having to deal with you this morning.

ME: I’m not being an asshole. I’m busy. We’re heading to the mall.

GEM MINE: Oh no! The mall! You’re going to melt as soon as you step foot inside.

SASSYPANTS: I could have gone with you. I could have been a go-between for your mall-hating self and that little girl.

ME: I’m muting this conversation.

SASSYPANTS: Never mind, Mama just reminded me that you have Gia there to be your go-between. Maybe that’s why you’re excessively growly this morning. It’s all that pent-up sexual frustration.

GEM MINE: How many times do I have to tell you I don’t like talking about our siblings’ sex lives here? It’s gross. It’s like thinking of Mama and Daddy.

I choked on the sip of coffee I’d taken from the travel mug in my hand.

WOODY: Thanks for that, Gems. I need to go burn every thought from my brain now.

SASSYPANTS: Just go find McK. You won’t have any thoughts left then.

GEM MINE: STOP TALKING ABOUT EVERYONE’S SEX LIVES!

SASSYPANTS: I know we’re supposed to be all gentle with you because of the dick actor we don’t name, Gems, but you’re just jealous they’re getting some and you’re not.

GEM MINE: If you’re so comfortable talking about everyone’s sexual exploits, let’s talk about yours. When was the last time you got laid, Sadie? Spill the beans.

I shoved the phone in my pocket, unable to read any more. I couldn’t think of my sisters in that way without wanting to kill the men in their lives.

When I looked up, Gia’s lips were twitching.

“Your family?”

“Sadie doesn’t respect anyone’s boundaries.”

“But you love them,” Gia said softly. And for a brief moment, I thought I saw something close to wistfulness cross her face.

“You’re not close to your family?” I asked, frowning, thinking of her ex-Secret Service agent brother and his gruff exterior. He hadn’t seemed overly friendly, but then again, I hadn’t been friendly either after he’d led Maddox in a high-speed chase.

“We’re close. We love each other and harass each other in the appropriate sibling fashion, but it’s not a constant in-your-face kind of thing like you’ve got going on with yours. Holden and I are lucky if we remember to check in with each other once a month.”

I thought about what that must be like. To have family, but not. I couldn’t imagine going more than a day without hearing from mine. Life would feel…empty. I craved the solitude of my home at the end of the weekends or holidays spent hip-to-hip with my family, but it never lasted long. If it did, I was usually the one seeking them out.

I tilted my head, taking in Addy with her gaze stuck to the window. Who would she have to run to when her loneliness got to be too much? She deserved an entire gaggle of siblings and cousins to keep her company. But I couldn’t imagine giving her a brother or sister. The cousins would have to do.

I glanced at Gia. She’d said last night that she didn’t want kids and then countered it confusingly. I wondered what she’d look like with a round belly pushing against the steering wheel. What it would be like to place my hands on her stomach and feel a baby kicking inside it. Wondered what it would feel like to experience all the things about having a baby I’d lost out on with Addy.

But then I pushed those traitorous thoughts away.

Because even if I opened myself up again to a relationship—and just the idea of it made me nauseated—it certainly wouldn’t be with a woman who was going to skip town in a few days. So, if Gia ever did get pregnant, it sure as hell wouldn’t be mine.