19. Thane

19

THANE

I’ve almost calmed myself by the time Ramanu reappears in the room. Of course, them arriving with a strange human woman in tow erases all the work I’ve done to ensure I’m as collected as possible. I pull Catalina closer on instinct, and she gives a sad little laugh that makes my chest ache.

“It’s okay.” She pats my chest.

It’s not okay. I don’t point out that I could feel her shaking the entire time I held her. I certainly don’t ask her again if she wants to do this. She’ll take it as me putting my feelings forward, and I don’t want her to think I’m willing to do anything but support her in this.

I fucked up. There’s no other way to look at it. It’s been so long since I was with someone for any length of time, and I’m so used to magical pendants preventing pregnancy that I never bothered to ask if Catalina had a human version in place. It never even occurred to me.

Fool.

Selfish, damned fool.

Ramanu guides the woman toward us with a hand on her back. “This is Lenora. She’ll get you sorted, love.”

Lenora gives me a sharp look, and I have to fight not to hold Catalina even closer. Either I trust Ramanu to ensure this is done, or I don’t. I don’t think they’re out to commit harm against Catalina, but I don’t know this stranger. “Who are you?” I ask.

“I just said—”

The woman raises her hand, cutting Ramanu off. She’s got lightly tanned skin that might be from the sun or genetics, long dark hair, and sharp features. She also has an aura of magic around her that almost seems to bite at the air. Dangerous.

She holds my gaze. “I’m a witch, and I know more about this sort of thing than you do, so release the girl, and she and I are going to have a nice little conversation, and then if it’s what she wants, I will walk you both through the steps.”

Catalina pats my chest again. “It’s okay,” she repeats.

Letting her go is the hardest thing I’ve done in a very long time. I want to keep her wrapped up, but I helped put her in this position, and I can’t protect her without help. Goddess, I really am a fool.

I’m tense as I watch Lenora and Catalina move just out of earshot. Lenora doesn’t exactly go soft, but she’s clearly taking care with Catalina as they speak. I’m grateful for that, even if I don’t like this witch much.

“How did this happen?”

I glance at Ramanu. “I don’t think I should have to explain the biology of it.”

“Not that.” They swipe a hand over their bare skull. “There are dozens of birth control options. Why didn’t you request one for her?”

Shame heats my skin. “It didn’t occur to me.”

“It didn’t?.?.?.” They shake their head sharply. “Azazel would rip your heart right out of your chest if you said such a foolish thing to him. I highly suggest you don’t.” They look back at the women. “I should have been here. If I’d realized you were fucking, I would have suggested it myself.”

I don’t ask where they were. I saw the way they touched Lenora, and they have what looks like a binding mark on their arm. There’s a story there, but I honestly couldn’t care less about it. Not in this moment. “There have been a lot of missteps with this situation, but the blame lays solely with me.”

“Yes, well, make it right.” They hesitate. “You’re shit at the soft stuff, Thane. Unless something’s changed in the past few weeks, I suggest you let me take her back to the castle while she recovers. She’s going to be a bit raw emotionally, even if it’s just with relief, and if you open your mouth and say some foolish shit, you’re going to hurt her.”

“I would cut my own heart out of my chest before I hurt her.”

Their mouth works for a few beats, but no sound comes out. Ramanu clears their throat. “Things really have progressed between you two.”

“Okay, this is how it’s going to work.” Lenora approaches again, an arm around her shoulders. She keeps her voice soft as she speaks to Catalina. “I have a potion that will do the trick, as well as a secondary one to ensure you’re comfortable. A little magic will help it along. Any questions?”

“How fast can you make the potion?” Catalina asks.

Lenora shares a look with Ramanu. “Give them a few minutes to collect my things, and we’ll start immediately.”

Catalina’s shoulders slump. “Good. I want this done.”

“Of course, honey. We’ll get it done.” Lenora gives me a sharp look. “And you, don’t say anything that makes me want to hex you.”

I expected the worry and guilt. I didn’t expect the fear that rises in a wave I can’t escape. I know what this sort of thing requires from one of my people, but humans are a different story altogether. I’ve almost forgotten how small Catalina is compared to the rest of us. Surely it’s so much easier to break her. To do something that meant she wouldn’t wake up afterward. “How dangerous is this?”

“No more dangerous than most other medical procedures.” Lenora shrugs. “Less dangerous than childbirth itself.”

People die in childbirth. Even with all the magic we have at our disposal. It’s something I’ve always taken as fact. Now I want to rail at the goddess herself for the risks involved. “Have you done this before? Because if not, I’ll go find someone more capable. Catalina deserves the best, and—”

I can’t lose her.

“Don’t insult me. I like the darker arts, but I’m a trained midwife, and this goes with the territory.” Lenora turns to where Ramanu has reappeared again, a bag in their hands. The brown satchel seems too small to contain whatever is necessary for this, but the witch takes it with a soft smile. “Thanks.”

“I threw in a few extra things you might need.”

“Good.” She rolls up her sleeves. “Let’s get started.”

In the end, it goes just as smoothly as Lenora promised. As best I can tell, Catalina sleeps through the entire thing. I’m glad for it. I sit next to her and clutch her limp hand and watch the witch like a shark. It’s everything I can do not to pepper her with questions about the process, but I don’t want to do anything to put Catalina at risk, and that includes distracting Lenora.

“She’ll be waking up soon.” Magic sizzles in the air, making my nose burn, and all evidence of the procedure vanishes. Lenora weaves a little. “Damn, teleportation magic never gets easier. I’m still woozy from coming in.”

“I could have done it for you.” Ramanu loops an arm around her waist and tucks her against their side. “Sit down. I’ll get the bottles ready.”

“Thanks.”

After they’re done, Lenora sets a pair of bottles on the nearest table, along with a small earthenware cup. “If there’s any lingering pain.” She points to the first one. “Half a cup, no more.” Next, the second bottle. “For sleep, as needed. Again, no more than half a cup. They’re safe to take at the same time, so don’t worry about overdoing it as long as you stick to the dosage. I’ll be back in a few days to check on her, but if there’s excessive bleeding or if she goes lethargic and unresponsive, contact me at once.”

It’s hard to speak past the fear that spikes in response to her words. I thought we’d be out of the danger zone, but apparently that’s not the case. “Is that likely?”

Her expression softens a little. “Not likely, but still something to watch for. Everything went smoothly.” She hesitates but finally shakes her head. “Look, people react to this sort of thing differently. Some cry. Some don’t. Sometimes there’s guilt or shame or whatever the fuck. Sometimes there’s just relief.” She must see my confusion, because she points a sharp black fingernail at me. “My point is that no matter how she reacts, it’s the right way for her, and your only job is to be there and be supportive.”

“I do support her.”

“Supportive does not mean fucking her brains out unless that’s something she wants to do and feels ready for. Even if she says she’s ready, you should wait a week, likely more.”

I jerk back. “After all this, that’s what you think I’m prioritizing? Don’t insult me.”

“Good. Then we have nothing to worry about.” She glances at Catalina and then at Ramanu. “Should we stay until she wakes up?”

The demon’s watching me, their mouth pulled into a tight line that I can’t read. “No, I think Thane has it from here. Don’t you, Thane?”

I don’t know that I have anything at all, but I will do whatever it takes to ensure Catalina gets what she needs. Whatever that looks like. In fact?.?.?. The first whisper of a plan takes root in my mind. A way to make this right, once and for all. It hurts to even consider losing Catalina, but I can’t pretend I don’t deserve hurt after how poorly I’ve mismanaged this entire situation. “I have it covered.”

“Good.” Ramanu’s tone is still unreadable. They offer their hand to Lenora. “Let’s go.”

She hesitates, but after one last look at Catalina, Lenora slips her hand into Ramanu’s, and they teleport out.

Then there’s nothing to distract me from Catalina herself. I stroke her knuckles with my thumb, over and over, measuring the cadence of her breath. Inhale. Exhale. The faintest movement of her chest. Is she too pale? There was some blood, but I have no frame of reference for if it was too much or the expected amount. Lenora hadn’t seemed concerned.

She is fine.

She is breathing.

She will be okay.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I’ve mishandled this from the beginning. I don’t know how the contract hasn’t been triggered at this point, because there’s no point in pretending you weren’t harmed by my actions and words.”

She keeps sleeping peacefully. My gaze travels to her stomach, and I don’t know what I expected to feel, but all that’s present is relief that her need was met. Children are not?.?.?. There’s nothing wrong with children, but I’ve never had a burning desire to have any of my own. I meant what I said—I would have supported Catalina in whatever choice she made—but I feel no loss.

I’m just happy she’s okay. I haven’t lost her.

Yet.

Her hand twitches in mine. “Thane?” Her voice is hoarse, but when her eyes flutter open, it’s the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. “It’s done?”

“It’s done.”

She smiles a little, though it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who—”

“If I have nothing to apologize for, then neither do you.” She closes her eyes again. “Did they leave?”

“They thought you might prefer a quiet recovery.” I reach for the first bottle with a tentacle. “Are you in pain?”

“Only a little.” She opens her eyes and watches me pour the correct dosage into the cup. “I’m mostly tired.”

“Drink this, and then you can sleep.” I glance at the bed and then away. As much as I want to hold her right now, this isn’t about my needs. It’s about what she needs. “If you want me to take you up to your old room, I can do that.”

“Thane.” She accepts the cup with hands that shake a little. “You’re doing the noble-sacrifice thing, and I don’t have the energy to navigate it right now, so I’m going to be blunt. I’m shaky and don’t know what to feel beyond relief, so I would greatly appreciate it if you’d hold me tonight.”

“Of course.” Do I sound too eager? I’m not sure I care.

After Catalina takes the dosage, I help her to the bathroom and allow her to chase me out of it. I don’t go far, though. She seems steadier on her feet, but that doesn’t mean she won’t fall. Again and again, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve botched this beyond all reason. Maybe she doesn’t see it that way in this moment, but I know she will as soon as she gets some distance.

I?.?.?. want her to stay.

Not for the night. Not even for the seven years. Forever. I haven’t felt this kind of connection with anyone since Brant, and while it’s very much different than what I felt for my late husband, it’s no less strong.

But my desires have little to do with what’s right for her.

There is the territory to consider as well. I can’t officially step down from leadership of the territory until the demon deal is finished. It would put my people in danger, would make us look weak. Embry is more than capable of leading—ze is doing it in everything but name already—but ze doesn’t have a human partner, which means ze doesn’t have the promise of a potential half-human child to keep people in line. To keep all the territories on even ground.

If I were putting my territory first, I would have insisted Catalina keep the pregnancy.

The thought makes me sick to my stomach. If I weren’t king, there’s a decent chance Brant would still be alive. I am heartily tired of others paying the price of a position given to me by birth.

I know I should wait, should let Catalina rest and recover, and be nothing but a silent support for her, but I can’t quite manage it. As soon as we’re in bed and she’s back in my arms, I say the thing that’s been plaguing me since the procedure. “Do you want to go home?”