18. Catalina

18

CATALINA

The next block of time is one of the happiest of my life. I don’t even know how long it is. The days are normal enough here, but without any responsibilities to call my own, time feels fluid and insubstantial. And the nights? The nights are like a fever dream I never want to wake up from.

Thane still does have official responsibilities, but he makes time for me every day, even if only for a few games of not-chess before he takes me to bed and blows my mind seven ways to Sunday. The sex is outstanding and only seems to get more so as time goes on, but the quiet moments in the aftermath are my favorite.

The way I’ve found my favorite spot on his chest to cradle my cheek. How he strokes me absently as we talk, whether with a hand up and down my spine or a tentacle caressing a leg or arm. The conversations themselves, carefully curated topics that seem designed to avoid the pitfalls of my mother, my exes, and Brant.

I learn that Thane never wanted to be king, but because he was the eldest, he got the position. Not all the territories in this realm run like that, but both krakens and dragons do. In fact, for a pair of territories that seem to have the most conflict, they seem remarkably similar in a number of ways. Maybe that’s why there’s so much conflict. I don’t know.

When Thane is able to take full days for me, he shows me new places in the territory. We start with a series of underwater caves that open into a graveyard of ships dashed on the rocks above. There are so many ships, I could spend months exploring that space and not see them all. Thane is indulgent as he swims behind me, keeping an eye out for predators as I let my curiosity run free.

There are ships that look like they came straight from a pirate movie and ones that almost look like spaceships. And everything in between. It’s strangely delightful to discover how small my world really is. Maybe that would be scary for some people. I find it comforting.

Once I’ve exhausted my exploration of the ship graveyard, Thane shows me an underwater?.?.?. reverse waterfall? I don’t even know what else to call it. It’s beautiful and slightly terrifying, and I love it.

Today we pay a careful visit to a spot overlooking an inlet that apparently serves as the breeding ground for the dobhar chu. They’re a strange mix of hound and otter, though the adults are nearly ten feet long. The babies, of course, are cute as shit. “Awww.”

“They’re very dangerous,” Thane murmurs. “They mostly keep their hunting to these waters, but they’ve been known to venture out farther. If you see one, get out of the water.”

I give him the look that comment deserves. Get out of the water. Right. Because there’s so much land in his territory to flee to. “Sounds like if I run across one of these, I’m dead.”

“No.” His voice goes sharp, but then he softens it. “You’re safe.”

This is one of those weird arguments we still have. He wants me safe, but he can’t understand there’s no real safety in this world or any other. Even locking me in a tower—there’s nothing to save me from falling down the stairs and breaking my neck or something equally mundane.

But I’m not going to give him shit for wanting to take care of me.

I watch the dobhar chu for a while longer, enjoying the way the babies bounce and frolic as babies of every species seem to do. They look cuddly, but I know better than to say as much a second time.

Thane doesn’t rush me. He never does. He simply waits at my side for my curiosity to run out. I like that. I like him. We spend every night together now, and though sleeping with a man who’s half tentacles was a strange experience at first, I enjoy it far too much now.

“Okay, we can go.”

He sweeps me into his arms, and his tentacles make descending the cliff significantly easier than my weak-ass human hands and legs. We descend slowly, carefully. Thane glares at the water that gets closer with every second, as if daring it to produce a monster like the ones we were just observing. “We’ll come back in two months when the young are old enough to start the fall migration. It’s a sight to behold.”

“Two months?” I blink. “Wait, how long has it been that day you taught me how to swim?”

He pauses and gives me a look. “I’m not sure. Well over a month, I think.”

I go cold. Over a month. A month of adventures that have been uninterrupted by my cycle. That means.?.?. Oh no. “Thane.”

He must hear the fear in my voice, because he stops our descent. “What’s wrong?”

I don’t want to ask. I don’t want to pop the bubble of happiness around us. Surely if I just close my eyes and pretend I don’t know how to count, reality will kindly step away and let me continue to exist in this space.

Yeah, right.

Still, coward that I am, I close my eyes. “I should have had my period. God, I can’t believe I didn’t realize.” I feel like the biggest fool, but I’ve never been all that good at tracking my cycle. Usually there’s a moment where I’m sure everyone hates me and I hate myself, my body, and everyone breathing who’s near me, and then a couple days later, my period starts, just like clockwork. “But that can’t be right. Ramanu said something about magical birth control.”

“There is a pendant that the bargainers use. I didn’t think to ask for one.”

A pendant. Not a tattoo. Oh god. I open my eyes to find Thane staring at me. I didn’t realize how open he’s become around me until now, when he’s completely closed off. His sigh shudders out. “We’ll discuss it when we get home.”

Home.

Funny, but the tower has started to feel a bit like home. Or, if not the tower itself, then Thane’s room at least. Somehow I don’t feel like that will be the case after this monumental mistake.

It was only a matter of time. I should have known it was coming. Nothing good lasts forever, especially when I’m involved. I always manage to shine a light on just how much of a fuckup I am. Thane may care about me, but surely this will be the last straw for the camel’s back of his patience.

We reach the surface and slip beneath it. It’s almost a relief that we can’t talk like this. I know Thane and the rest of the kraken can communicate underwater, but though he’s tried to teach me a bit, a good portion of that communication is body language using tentacles, which I don’t have. I think that’s why the translation tattoo doesn’t recognize it enough to work.

The return trip to the tower seems to take no time at all. Thane surfaces in his room—what’s become our room—and sets me carefully on the rock ledge. His hands linger on my hips, but he seems to put some distance between us.

Of course he does.

Later, that will hurt. Maybe. Probably. Right now, the full clusterfuck of this situation is hitting me. I press a hand to my chest. It feels like I can’t breathe, but I’m breathing. Funny how my brain can’t quite comprehend that. “I can’t have a baby, Thane. I can’t.”

“Okay.”

I barely hear him. “You don’t know what it was like growing up with my mom. I can recognize that she was a monster in her own way now, but there’s some damage I just can’t undo no matter how hard I try. If I have a baby, I’ll just be passing on that generational trauma.”

“Catalina—”

“I can’t.”

“Lina, look at me.” He catches me gently by my shoulders. “Generational trauma does not make you more or less worthy of being a parent.” He tightens his grip slightly. “But if you don’t want children, no one is going to make you have a baby.”

“But the contract—”

“Fuck the contract.” He pauses and seems to try to temper his tone. “This is your choice, and if Azazel or anyone else thinks they can force your hand, I’ll kill them.”

I blink, my panic skidding off the rails. “You can’t just murder someone on my behalf.”

“I promised to keep you safe.”

“But?.?.?.” Why am I arguing? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. “But if you have a baby with a human, that will benefit your territory.”

“Fuck my territory.” His hands tighten briefly on my shoulders again. “You are not a pawn, Lina. You’re not a womb to be utilized or a body to be used for others’ benefits. You are a person, and you get to choose what you want.”

He’s saying all the right things. Why does it hurt so much? “You’ll resent me no matter what I do.”

He shakes his head slowly. “No. I never intended to have children, but if you are with child and want to keep it, I will celebrate with you. If you are pregnant and don’t wish to be, I will go to Ramanu and discuss our options. My people have ways of dealing with such circumstances, but you’re human, and I won’t give you anything that might harm you.”

“Just like that,” I say faintly. My choice, and he’ll support me either way. “I’m sorry, Thane. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“It took two of us to get here.” Shame flashes across his face. “I should have discussed protection with you and ensured you were taken care of that way. I’m sorry.”

Despite everything, I laugh a little. “Trust us to be the only two people falling all over ourselves to apologize and take responsibility for this kind of thing.”

He smiles a little. “It is incredibly typical of us, isn’t it?”

I pull in a breath, and it almost feels like my lungs fill all the way despite what feels like an invisible band wrapped around them. No blame. He’s not accusing me of anything or being shitty. He’s simply giving me the choice to do what I need. I can do this. I know I can do this. “Please contact Ramanu.”

Thane nods. “Consider it done.”

I expect him to dive back beneath the water, but he moves deeper into the room. I watch him dig through a chest that looks like it was pulled from some ancient wreckage a million years ago. He finally straightens with a small mirror in his hand.

I lean forward, expecting some magical something or other, but Thane just taps a finger against it until I’m ready to scream at the sound. Just when I’m about to tell him to knock it off before I break the damned thing over his head, there’s a shift in the air and Ramanu pops into existence.

They curse and prop their hands on their hips. “You know, there are less annoying ways to get my attention.”

“I couldn’t risk you ignoring them.” Thane sounds as cold and distant as he did on the day I met him. “We need your assistance.”

“We?.?.?.” Ramanu turns and focuses on me. They start to grin, but the expression falls right off their face. I can’t be certain, since they don’t have eyes and all, but I’m pretty sure they’re focusing on my lower abdomen. “Someone’s been busy.”

“I want it gone,” I blurt.

Ramanu opens their mouth, but Thane speaks first. “Think carefully before you start quoting the contract at us, demon. Forcing her to keep a pregnancy she doesn’t want is harm.”

“No shit.” They look absolutely disgusted. “I don’t know how they do things in this territory, but we would never force anyone to go through that.” They cross to me and take my hands curiously gently for the anger I can practically feel emanating from them. “Is this what you want?” they ask, so low that I have to strain to hear. “It’s your choice. Not his.”

Against all reason, I’m trying not to cry again. I’ve liked Ramanu since I met them, but I’m used to their cutting wit and irreverent attitude. This soft caring makes me feel wobbly, like the ground has shifted beneath my feet. “I want it gone,” I repeat.

“Okay.” They squeeze my hands, taking me at my word. “I have to retrieve someone who knows more about this sort of thing, and she’ll see you through the process.” They squeeze my hands again. “It will be quick and painless. I promise.”

“Thank you,” I say, voice thick.

With a faint pop that I feel more than hear, they’re gone, leaving me alone with Thane again. He moves closer but looks like he’s not sure if he should give me space or try to comfort me. A few weeks ago, I would have retreated, but?.?.?. “Thane?”

“Yes, Lina?” He lifts his hands and then lets them drop back to his sides.

I drag in a breath, and then another. “I would really like you to hold me right now if that’s okay.”

He’s at my side in an instant, pulling me into his arms and hugging me tight. “I will be there with you the entire time. No harm will come to you. I promise.”

I bury my face in his chest and cling to him. I have no doubts this is the right call to make, but I’m already mourning the way it’s going to change our relationship.

How can it not?